Thursday, November 20, 2014

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Nene's 'Bout to Put Her Drag Queen Out of a Job

They’re baaaaack…Yes, kiddies, those crazy gals and near-gals from Hotlanta are back and raring to zoom into another RHOA season. Some new faces are promised and some past faces are gone. Specifically the one face that wondered how the locomotives travelled through the Underground Railroad church visited last season. Yes, I’m talking to YOU Porsha. Although, just like in RHONJ, even though some of the housewives don’t have the official beginning-of-the-show quotation they appear anyway so we do get to see Porsha. In fact we get to see LOTS of Porsha since Kandi catches up with her at some kind of photo shoot wherein Ms. P The Former Mrs. Cordell Stewart is clad in some kind of black body sling that mostly looks like the Unikini that Sasha Baron Cohen wore in Borat. In other words: HIDEOUS. And a little scary. Of course the first thing out of Ms. Kandi’s mouth is to ask Porsha if she’s yet had anyone “suck on them new titties”. Uh, OK…Porsha falls into gales of the fakest laughter in a sea of fake laughers but does not confirm or deny. Only later does Kenya helpfully inform us that Ms. Porsha is reportedly bedding some “old ass married man”. Ouch. But maybe it’s for the best ‘cause if he’s old enough he might be toothless and, well, you get the picture. With the new titties and all.

Nene Leakes isn’t even fucking IN Atlanta as we begin this new season. No, ya’ll, Nene’s in Vegas, baby getting ready to take on the MC role in some Cirque De Soleil monstrosity called “Zumanity”. I’m watching these clips from rehearsals and honestly I used to think of Cirque as a pretty classy gig what with all the double and triple jointed gymnasts floating around on ropes and spinning tent-sized scarves. This Zumanity Cirque appears to be nothing more than a live sex show, so, yeah….Cirque’s on the downstroke, folks. Anyway, Nene has been hired to be the Master (or Mistress) of Ceremonies for this melee and, true to Nene form, in her talking head she’s got it puffed up to be a rival for something with, you know, class. She natters on and on about learning her lines and her wigs and her outrageous makeup. We see her getting all dolled up and when they put the finishing touch on her, a wig that appears to weigh about 50 pounds and would make Dolly Parton blush, Nene’s first response is that she looks like a drag queen. Of herself! Crickets as nobody disagrees. Anyway in the glimpses we get of the show it appears that Nene spends most of her time twirling around on some kind of circular platform that comes up out of the floor to stage level and then slinks around the stage making arch comments (HER LINES!!) to the hapless “volunteers” from the audience who are either too drunk or too bummed out from losing at the craps tables (or both) to understand that they’re being brought up on stage to “participate” in The Cirque De Soleil’s Skin in Sin City Show…aka Zumanity. Also, a quick camera pan out into the audience shows us that there are a few (quite a few) empty seats and that those in attendance are pretty wasted. No matter; Nene Leakes is nothing if not her own best shill and she makes it seem like her performance will soon enough end up in Oscar contention. Also, I forgot to mention that Nene’s new catchphrase to begin the show is “Why be so nasty and so rude when I can be so fierce and so successful?” We’ll see how long that lasts. I give it another one and a half, maybe two episodes.

We’re brought up to date on the newly married Kandi and Todd, who are preparing their palatial home to welcome Todd’s 18-year old daughter (You got a brotha?) who’s coming to live with them. In this sequence we get a quick pan into Kandi’s daughter Riley’s room and it appears that Riley has her own talk show in there. The place is fucking HUGE with her name in eight foot letters splayed across one wall ala Oprah! Plus, girl’s got a TV in there that’s bigger than the screens at my local multiplex. I think she MIGHT be 13. So Kandi and Todd (but mostly Kandi) are fretting that Todd’s kid might be a little intimidated by the Riley Show in the next room so they’re trying to put in a few little touches to make her feel welcome. I don’t know guys, but you might be past “little touches” at this point. I’d start with an Olympic hot tub in her bathroom. Just sayin’. Kandi and Todd are also still not seeing eye-to-eye on one evil MIL, namely Mama Joyce, she of the evil eye and constant threat to cut a bitch. Apparently in the RHOA hiatus Kandi bought her mother a house but Mama Joyce has decided that she doesn’t like that house, so Kandi, being the abused…er, I mean, devoted…daughter that she is, takes her ungrateful crazy-ass mother house shopping. We watch as they tour a seven bedroom house, down the street from Kandi and Todd (we can hear Todd’s hair turning grey) that comes with a built in pool, several full baths, a basketball court (for when Mama Joyce wants to practice her layups, I guess) and, did I mention, SEVEN BEDROOMS! Now remember, Mama Joyce is single and will be living in this monstrosity ALONE. Whatevs, Kandi, you gotta do what you gotta do, but truth be told: YO MAMA IS CRAY CRAY! And kinda scary. But it’s all good ‘cause Mama Joyce is happy. She’ll deign to live in this house that her groveling but wildly successful little girl is buying for her. Hey Todd: is there enough booty in the world to cover this new turn of events? DOWN THE STREET, BROTHER…DOWN THE STREET!

What else? What else? Oh, yeah: Apollo Nida and Phaedra Parks. He’s going to jail and she could not care less. ‘Nuff said. But seriously, I have always had a love/hate relationship with Phaedra so I find myself falling more on the love side during this FUBAR mess. Phaedra’s got two darling little boys to raise and their father has done nothing but fuck up since day one. On the other hand, she KNEW what she was getting when she married him because our Phaedra is no dummy. Anyhoo, the big, new reveal on the Apollo front is that, now that he’s poised to enter federal prison AGAIN, this time for eight years, he feels the need to make things right with those he wronged. Apollo, not bright enough to understand the 12 steps is kind of picking and choosing amongst them and jumps directly to Step 9: Making Amends. The amendee is one Kenya Moore, the pariah of the last two seasons of RHOA, the one witchy, evil woman that everyone, especially Phaedra, loved to hate. Namely because she chased after another woman’s husband. We’ve heard for the last two years about how Kenya chased after Apollo and how she offered him many, many blow jobs (creepily, the Bravo producers chose to refer to it as fellatio, so we got to hear that icky word several times during the episode). Finally, Apollo, on the eve of his new incarceration, and at Cynthia’s BarOne “I’m Old and Still Hot and Here’s My Ebony Photo Spread to Prove It” party, corners Kenya and, face-to-face, admits that he lied about her pursuit of him, that he lied about the sexting, that he lied about the BJs! Wow…what a shock! A felon that lies! Kenya tersely acknowledges his admission but tells us she’s holding out, and won’t be happy, until she gets an in person apology from Miss Phaedra. Hmmm….Hell is actually not scheduled to freeze over for another several millennia, but, whatever. When Kandi, Todd, Cynthia and Old Ass Uncle Ben hear, from Apollo himself, that he made all that shit up, they look like they’ve just heard that news from Mother Theresa, not a two-time felon who earned his second trip to federal prison by doing what now? Oh, yeah: LYING MOTHERFUCKERS!

I give props of the episode to Old Ass Uncle Ben though, ‘cause he ended the episode with the

funniest line of the night: “Shit, we gotta apologize to that woman for calling her a Ho for the last two years.” Ya think, jackass? It can only go downhill from here, right? Shit, The ABIB’s counting on it. Also? I’m taking a poll on how long Nene’s gonna be able to stay true to “Fierce and Successful versus Rude and Nasty” shtick. Everyone knows that Nene positively LIVES for rude and nasty. Maybe she’ll do a hybrid and be Fierce and Successfully Rude and Nasty. Stay tuned.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

The RHONJ Season Finale! Fake Boobs! Fake Tears! Fake Feels! Fake Tans! Real Jail Time!

You could almost hear the director:
"OK, Jacqueline, Kathy, I almost felt it this time. Again...remember you're shocked...scared...sad...Let's go, folks: the jail sentence reveal: Take 30!"

Yeah, it was like that in this season's RHONJ finale. All throughout this entire lackluster season of The RHONJ the running back story has been the Guidice Fraud-A-Palooza and will they/won't they go to jail, get deported, break a nail. Whatever. So here we are at the last episode and, even though the season was filmed several months ago, Bravo had to find a way to shoehorn in the actual legal outcome of T and JJ's future since it was announced in real time earlier this month. So what did they do? They filmed several "reaction" shots spanning three of the housewive's, well, houses. We caught up with Amber and Jim, the Asshole From Outer Space, who, due his extraterrestrial space pack, apparently has some kind of smartphone that gives him blow-by-blow details directly from inside the courtroom. He tells us just as JJ admits to a "problem with alcohol", he reads us verbatim JJ's address to the judge, followed sometime after by T's address. I'm watching this wondering what kind of phone this fucker has that he can give a blow by blow of what's going on downtown AS IT'S HAPPENING! Amber is, of course, adequately SHOCKED! GASPING FOR BREATH! COVERING HER FACE IN HORROR! CONTEMPLATING NEXT SEASON NOW THAT THERE'S A PERMANENT HOLE IN THE CAST!

But nobody can beat Jacqueline in the "I'm Alive So I'm Going To Find Something To Cry About" sweepstakes. We join Kathy, her idiot husband and Rosie the Riveter at Kathy's house also apparently tuned by phone into some special cousins-only broadcast channel, 'cause the idiot husband, just like the Asshole From Outer Space, is filling the two ladies in with minute-by-minute updates. Soon Kathy receives a text from Jacquelinw, worried as usual, and is told to get her and her husband's asses over there. Sure enough, one commercial break later and now Kathy's little kitchen is crammed with her three loons and Jacqueline, her gun-nut husband Chris Laurita, and their special brand of loony-ness. Well, truth be told it's only Jacqueline that is loony, but she's loony enough for both of them.

Astonishingly the minute she arrives Jacqueline immediately focuses the drama on herself. With lip-quivering fake acting 101, Jacqueline, face down in her phone begins to wonder aloud what this whole thing will mean to her "friendship" with T. How can she cope with everything that's going on? WHAT ABOUT HER FEELINGS!? SHE HAS A CHILD ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM!! Can Chris the gun nut at least pistol whip some sense into this whiny, monumentally annoying ninny that he married? Also interspersed throughout this finale was stock footage, accompanied by appropriately police-y sound effects, of T and JJ walking the press gauntlet into and out of the court. But seriously, Bravo? We can see that it's ALWAYS the same 15 seconds of aren't fooling us just because you throw in some WOOOOOOOO sounds effects of a police car siren. Also? The cutaway shot of the helicopter circling overhead? It's T and JJ; not OJ, relax.

Also featured in this finale was the culmination of all of Dina's season-long planning for her "Ladybug" charity event. Hosted at a friend's "house" that appears to have at least four wings and a central spiral staircase that makes Scarlett O'Hara's Tarah look like a rickety back entrance, elevator. The plus side is that this "house" has three wonderfully huge and adorable Great Danes and one very adorable, stocky as hell bulldog. Having dogs just kinda warms me up to a person from the get-go. What can I say? The ABIB is a sucker for a wet nose and wagging tail. The charity event is mere days away and Dina is putting the final touches on the childrens' fashion show while simultaneously putting the fear of god into both the twins, Nicole and TerESSa, and T, to lay off the family-hater drama still simmering from I Fucked My Mother In Law Gate. The twins are still "incensed" (Rino's been sharing his Word of the Day calendar) that T would pass along such a vulgar rumor once it was heard from Victoria Gotti. T, as is her wont, admits zero wrong doing and in fact insists that, by sharing the rumor with Dina in advance of the Boca Bash, she was PROTECTING the twins since if things got out of hand Dina would be able to quash the troubles. Of course, we know it didn't turn out that way, thanks to big mouth Amber and her Asshole From Outer Space husband. Dina ominously tells us that if anything cray cray gets started at her Ladybug event, the person who starts the bitch fest will lose a friend; namely her. Tread lightly, ladies; my girl Dina is subject to work a root on your assess if you cross her.

Needless to say the drama launches shortly after the Ladybug event begins, but not before we get to see T and Melissa's two little hookers in training strut their stuff down the "catwalk". So cute, two little seven year olds learning early just how important stuff on the outside actually is. These two future little golddiggers can't start learning soon enough. Melissa's kid especially doen't have a prayer as we see her mother, earlier in the episode, drooling over Joey The Ape as he pretends to drive an earth mover, shouting at him above the rumble of the engine to "dig our house! build our house! You're such a MAN!" She tells us that she's just plain helpless in the face of a man in an earth moving machine and that there are none sexier than her very own Joe Gorga. Can I just say here, in case I've not yet made it clear, that I flat out despise Melissa Gorga? She is everything that is wrong with the world in one overly pampered, surgically altered, idiotic package. I mean I just plain hate on her. Melissa the Gorgon is THE WORST.

Back to Great Dane Manor and Dina's charity event is well underway but the twins and T are in the process of "reaching closure and moving forward" from their earlier "I hate her unto death" standoff. Things between them reach a predictable Bravo-scripted resolution (it is the season finale, after all) but not before we get a talking head confessional from TerESSa telling us that all the shit that's going down with T has been brought about by the ill treatment afforded TerESSa's family by T and her part in the Victoria Gotti rumor from MIL hell. I believe the actual quote from TeRESSa is "Karma's a bitch, what can I say?" Oh, kids, she's gonna pay for that somewhere on the upcoming three part RHONJ Reunion. On a side note, can i just say that, it may be the Botox injections, but the twins' mother, Santa, herself the target of the I Fucked My Mother In Law rumor never seems even remotely phased by it whenever the topic comes up. Further proof that Bravo is really grasping for storylines here.

Another little concluding arc that we learn in about 30 seconds is that Dina's daughter, Lexi, she of the NYU reject pile, has been accepted to "a great school in the city". Considering it's unnamed and that these women positivelly live for status statements, we have to believe that the "great school in the city" is actually Wayne Community College. Yeah, not expecting any brainiacs to come out of any of these ladies.

So we end where we began this recap, with the Bravo director, offscreen coaching the fuck out of Jacqueline and Kathy to wring out a few crocodile tears on behalf of the dreadful sentencing verdict that they JUST HEARD on their own, private Guidette Bat Channel. The last shot is of them in each others' arms, dissolved in "tears" as someone, I SWEAR I HEARD IT, supresses a chuckle just offscreen. My money's on that bozo Richie Wakile, but serioulsy, facing that Waiting for Guffman display who the fuck can blame him?

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Shit That Annoys The ABIB, Part Two

Fuckers Who Walk and Text

Here he comes! Outta the way! He will crash face first into you before he relinquishes eye contact with his phone. Hey, moron: are you issuing landing instructions for the Space Shuttle? Are you describing the steps in real time for open heart surgery? Are you in the process of securing the launch codes for the Red Phone? No? Then LOOK AWAY FROM YOUR PHONE WHILE YOU’RE WALKING, NIMROD! The ABIB kicks off this episode of Shit that Annoys The ABIB with “Fuckers Who Walk and Text”. You’ve seen them; they’re everywhere. Walking down the street, exiting an elevator, grocery shopping, ordering coffee and never, ever for one motherfucking second do they look up from the critically important movie times, message about who’s going to the movies or checking out their Twitter feed. It’s an epidemic of electronic navel-gazing jackassery that is, frankly, taking over our planet. Don’t you want to grab that fucking phone out of their hands and toss it under an oncoming bus? The ABIB does. In fact, The ABIB has fantasies of crashing into one of them head first and making enough of an impact that their fucking phone goes flying, preferably into a body of water or under an 18-wheeler. That would be outstanding, right? The look of shock followed immediately by utter dismay as they watch their precious phone get sucked under some destructive force, vaporizing for all time that essential message thread about Mary’s shoes or Alan’s latest sushi place discovery. The best part would be The ABIB’s own sorry-not-sorry frowny face: Whoops! My goodness, guess I wasn’t looking where I was going, was I? Dipshit.

Motorcycle Engine Revving

Three words on this one: Cocktail Weenie Dick.

One Word Facebook Status Updates



I’m done!


Yeah, I could go on…but you get the picture. These are relegated largely to young women for whom there is no amount of attention that is enough. So rather than be grownups and actually reach out for support or input or a willing ear (likely dwindling), they resort to these manipulative one word utterances aimed at comments like: What’s wrong? Are you OK? Having a bad day? These well-meaning but hapless suckers get drawn into the 25-year-old-middle-school-drama-queen’s angst, willingly submitting to her need for both attention and control. Her one or two word missives ensure that she remains in control why? Well, because people need to ASK HER for further information so that they can formulate appropriately sympathetic responses. Even more aggravating is that many times these fragile little witches get a ton of “likes” which means that lots and lots of people are actually paying attention, always a bad idea: don't encourage them, you cretins. Yes, those likes seem to say: tell us more you mysterious, tragic figure! We’re waiting with baited breath to hear the next chapter of your monosyllabic sound bites. Me? I’m The ABIB so I’m generally concocting succinct responses to these annoyingly whiny fuckers. Fearful of wrongful prosecution I never actually USE any of them…but they sure are fun to think about.

The ABIB: Mouthful of bad spooge?

The ABIB: Jump!

I’m done!
The ABIB: About time!


The Facebook Humble Brag

A close cousin to these annoying one-word FB status updates is the ever-enraging humblebrag, itself a FB status update staple of idiots everywhere. I’ve seen them a million times (at least it seems that way) and each and every time I want to reach through the computer screen and bitch slap the self-aggrandizing asshat. Also, these fuckers are chronic overusers of the ever-annoying emoji. Here’s a sample:

Oh my gosh! I am so exhausted! Between the awards banquet last night and the show rehearsal all afternoon I’m beat. Off for a nap, I’ve got dinner with the husband tonight! Not enough hours in the day! (sigh)(sleepyface)(bug-eyed surprised face)(three different hearts)

What’s up with my director? How am I supposed to learn ALL THESE LINES by tomorrow night? Sleep? What’s that?(angry face)(shoulder shrug)(sleepy face)(winky face)

I am SO busy at work that I do NOT have time to breathe! I mean, are there NO other people that can do all of these jobs? Looks like no…. (frowny face)(sigh)

(fuck face...The ABIB wishes)

You get the idea. These are people who want you to know how delightfully beleaguered they are, stressed by all of this tiresome opportunity and exposure! The ABIB actually has a single response to every humble bragger on FB no matter what they are humble bragging about: Hey motherfucker: drop dead! I know, I know The ABIB says out loud what everyone else only thinks. You’re welcome.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Shit That Annoys The ABIB, Part One

Following is the first installment in a new feature here called: Shit That Annoys The ABIB. I know, I know…doesn’t EVERYTHING annoy The ABIB is what you’re thinking. Well, truth be told, pretty much everything DOES annoy The ABIB but I’ll try to confine these to things that really, really annoy The ABIB. So, let’s begin, shall we?


Top of this list is the monumentally annoying response that some people choose to offer when they hear the word: “Hello” or “Hi”. As in:

“Hello, Brad”


Greetings? Really? Why not just add the word “earthling” to the end of that expression because you’ve clearly ID’d yourself as being a complete geek from another planet. People that do this generally think of themselves as quirky, offbeat or original, that is to say, somehow different from the rest of us. So different, in fact, that they become Mr. Spock when simply saying hello. Guess what, weirdo? You wipe your ass just like everyone else; get over yourself.

Backing In To Parking Spaces

This one is so annoying to The ABIB that she actually covered it in an entire post a few years ago. Right Here. Basically when people choose to back into a parking space what I hear them thinking is one of two things:

I am entitled to hold everyone behind me up while I perform the 80 point turn necessary to back into this space because their time is of zero value in the face of me needing to prove my driving prowess by doing backwards what everyone else does the regular way. Or,

I know I’m just being paranoid but you never know when you’re going to have to jet out of a parking space with no delay. The Popo comes immediately to mind.

The ABIB just watched some idiot back into a parking space today and, true to habit, this moron took about eight full minutes to park her car because she had to back in and out and in and out and in and out about 30 times. A dream of mine is to actually see one of these pinheads scrape one of the cars on either side of their masterful back-in job so that I can report their asses. A bitch can dream.

Quizzes on Facebook

What Color is Your Aura?

How Alike Are You and Your Mother?

What Is Your Spirit Animal?

What is Your Redneck Name?

The list goes on forever. I really don’t know who began these moronic activities, but just like every other mindless meme in social media, they’ve taken hold and won’t let go. Now, The ABIB admits to having taken one or two of these but she realized quickly that, heck, how can someone tell me what Disney character I’m most like? Oh, I see how: one of the questions is: What Makes You Happiest? A. Hanging out With an Old, Talking Tree? B. Living in an Inaccessible Tower and Growing Your Hair Out For 15 Years? C. Sharing a Deep Woods Cottage With Seven Tiny Men? D. Finding a Book to Read in a Dark, Drafty, Remote Castle Owned by an Angry, Large Creature? So, I became disillusioned with the whole Facebook Quiz phenomenon which happened right around the time that I was told that my aura is Pink which is ridiculous; someone as angry as The ABIB must have at least a deep magenta aura, even a royal, holier-than-thou purple would work, but PINK? I was done. So I gave up on the quiz culture altogether and have taken up the cudgels for their full and complete elimination. Right after I read The 15 Reasons Why Pizza Is Everything. Which brings me to…


Lists are another social media meme that hook you in with gateway lists like: well, The 15 Reasons Why Pizza is Everything, but before you know it the clock says 2:30 in the morning and you’re reading 51 Times Lorde Was Your Life Coach. And it’s making sense. I’m convinced that the whole fascination with Lists, so easy and breezy (who can’t read a list for fuck’s sake?) is geared toward getting us to become numb to moronic, vapid content so that when we’re nice and sated, stuck with an open laptop and an old box of bad Chinese food several hours into a random linking path on Buzzfeed, we realize we ARE actually Pochahontas and have been waiting our whole lives for the ultimate quiz/list hybrid which we can now and only now write: 85 Photos of Corgis Rolling on the Grass and Jumping Into The Pool While You Eat 30 Delicious Totally Vegetarian Roll-Ups Because Your Bad Hair Days Are Killing Your Health And Have Left You Asking: Which Dyson Cleaning Tool Will Answer The Eternal Question of the Meaning of Life. And then you book a trip to Disney World because Grandmother Willow is way behind on gossip. Greetings, earthling; we are now inside your head.

RHONJ Recap: Bobby Emerges From the Bathroom Long Enough to Give Joey The Ape Mouth-to-Mouth...AKA He Kissed A Boy And He Liked It!

Well, the promised big reveal happened FINALLY on this week’s ep and frankly speaking it was completely blah. Jimmy The Asshole From Outer Space did the honors, loudly stating to an already tearful Nicole…or wait, was it TeRESSa? Anyway, Jimmy came out with it: HE FUCKED YOUR MOTHER! And actually, I was waiting for the Boca house to implode, or at least for JTA to commence a righteous beatdown of Jimmy for daring to invoke a mother…ANYONE’S mother in such a vile manner. But none of that happened. He loudly shared the dastardly rumor and everyone scattered. Melissa made a lame-ass grab for screen time with her fake outrage face. See, Meliss? That’s what too much Botox’ll do to you, dumbass; your face showed nothing, nada, zippo babe. Amber was SO upset with her Asshole From Outer Space that she went outside and HAD A CIGARETTE!! As if to increase the severity of what this meant Amber kept reminding everyone, and us, as she puffed away, that SHE IS A CANCER SURVIVOR! Oy, do these two noodnicks deserve each other or what? Anyway, she’s outside, she’s crying and smoking and crying and smoking and Dina, bless her heart, leans in and tells Amber how sorry she is that Amber is married to a dick. Attagirl, Dina; way to say what everyone is thinking. I think that it’s of critical importance here to stop and remind my readers that by this point in the evening EVERYONE was completely shitfaced and for some people that’s not a very good thing. Jimmy the Asshole From Outer Space? Not so much a nice drunk. Jimmy is kind of a mean drunk. But once they’re alone in their Boca bedroom he repeatedly tells Amber, and us in his talking head confessional, that he did it all for Amber. Uh, what? Yeah, that was our resident Alien’s rationale: these bitches had treated his girl so badly (cue the flashback on camera to the unfortunate hair-pulling incident involving Nicole and a hank of Amber’s hair left in a tangled heap on Bobby’s granite countertop), SO badly, that they deserved to be punished and if nothing else Jimmy is the one to mete that out. Hence his outta-the-gate-hate all evening.

Amber, finally appearing to have a semblance of awareness, is all like: WHAT? HUH? THAT MAKES NO SENSE! WHY? Jimmy the Asshole from Outer Space gets all kinda creepy quiet, lowering his voice and inching closer to Amber on the bed, offering to rub her feet. At that point Amber is struggling to keep from cracking up and it becomes clear that this is a totally scripted scene and I’m done. So the question I pose to Bravo is this: is Jimmy the Asshole From Outer Space as bad as all that or did you hand pick him (with an accompanying bump in salary) to serve as this season’s resident weirdo/motherfucker ala Teresa way back when, and/or Danielle? If so, he’s doing a decent job, although that last scene kinda blew his cover for me. So…

Back to the others and Nicole is packing her bags to leave THAT NIGHT! She cannot stay in this crazy house another minute so will be driving up to hang with potential real life motherfucker, and her husband, Rino five minutes away at “their home down here”. So, all this time Rino’s been five minutes away? Huh. Nicole tearfully begs her to reconsider in the morning, but, well, you know how it is with drunks: they gonna do what they gonna do especially if they’re already prone to be full blown drama queens. Which, actually, every single person in this house from Floridian hell is. So off she goes, taking the big black limo back to Rino when, truth be told, bitch probably could have walked. And frankly, tromping off on foot into the darkness, trailing her giant rolling suitcase behind her would have been way cooler. But that’s just me.

At some point in this melee we’re taken back to Jersey to connect with Jacqueline and Kathy who are having lunch at Jacqueline’s soon-to-be-sold McMansion in Franklin Lakes. Stilted, scripted conversation ensues over bites of, what else, salad, although at one point Kathy, probably thinking she wasn’t going to be on camera for a hot second, put a forkful of greenery into her mouth that would have choked an ox. The look on her face when she realized she WAS being recorded was so awful and in spite of that she managed to get all that stuff in and close her lips around it without even mussing her lipstick. What a trooper! Poor Kathy; I really do like her even though her taste in men is troubling to say the least.

Awkward plot-advancing dialogue follows wherein Kathy reminds Jacqueline for the 18 millionth time how wonderfully she’s been with Nick her autistic son which, again, call me the worst, but I’m SO FUCKING OVER the Nick storyline. Bravo at its clunkiest is when it tries to take an advocacy role to prove that all this exploitation is for the greater good. What with the scenes of Jacqueline’s kid and the cancer storyline over at Chez Amber. It just comes off as what it is: a network whose bread and butter is broadcasting one freak show after another trying to get us to believe that IT CARES. Just makes me want to say: shut up and bring on the dysfunction. If I wanted gratuitous pandering I’d watch the Jerry Lewis Telethon. .

Kathy’s lines give Jacqueline the chance to openly shill her upcoming appearances (with her husband) aimed at raising awareness amongst other couples of disabled children, of how much more challenging marriage under those circumstances can be and how to cope. Yeah, thanks Einstein; what advice are you going to give them? Here’s how to unburden your life and improve your marriage in spite of having the extra stress of a disabled child: be rich. Done and done. Jacqueline is such a putz. Jacqueline, of course, because it wouldn’t be an episode of RHONJ if she didn’t, cries on camera when she talks about her kid or was it when she was talking about missing out on being able to hover over T during these dark, lawsuit times in which she and JJ are embroiled. Truth be told she probably cried for both, sophomoric bitch. Oh, and in a flash to her date night with Chris “I Have An Armada’s Worth of Artillery In My Family Room” Laurita we get to hear him utter some of the most stilted scripted dialogue in…EVER. He tells us about their past and how they met and….I got up to get a glass of OJ, so there you go. Bottom line: since they’re poor now they, like T and JJ, are “downsizing” and it’s going to be sad to move out of their giant home and into a smaller one. Chris has all the feels. As if.

T and JJ are also out on a date night across the bridge in NYC having dinner and spending the night in a big, fancy hotel. T looks kinda worried the whole time, quietly expressing her concern that the whole set-up looks kind of “expensive”. At least one of them is thinking about the, oh, I don’t know, THE APPEARANCE on their part of some frugality, considering their current legal sitch. Which BTW, let’s just stop right here and acknowledge the news this week that both of them will be doing jail time. Kind of shocking that the judge is locking T up, but she is. So, I’m guessing that Andy Cohen is intermittently dancing a jig and looking appropriately somber as he considers the possibilities of exploiting IN REAL LIFE the whole Orange is the New Black vibe that is currently at the top of the A List. You bet he’s got folks working already with the New York State Office of Corrections to set up at least some film time for the next season of RHONJ on the inside with T. Last night was a special Watch What Happens Live with T and JJ that I’ll be blogging about just as soon as I can watch it. But at dinner across the river, JJ offers T a nice toast about being the luckiest guy in the world because he's married to her. Awwww...then he ruins it by announcing that the food here is so good he's getting a boner. Even without the oysters. You got a hotel room for the night, JJ, calm the fuck down; don't wanna peak too early if you know what I mean...wink, wink, nod, nod, say no more, say no more. Thanks, Monty Python.

Back to Boca. Next morning Jimmy the Asshole Alien is up bright and early making scrambled eggs for everyone who are like…uh….OK…didn’t we have a major kerfluffle up in here last night of which YOU, Mr. Eggs, were the chief perp? Melissa who as you all know by now I hate with a white hot intensity, comes shuffling into the kitchen wearing her giant dark glasses even though she’s indoors. Yeah, everyone was shit-fucking-faced last night and now they are all soooo hungooooover. Melissa sidles around Chef Jim and heads directly to the pool area where JTA is already applying the Hawaiian Tropic and shit talking with Nicole and Booby. Oh, sorry. Bobby. Amber comes out to eat her eggs and suddenly there’s a thunderclap of silence as everyone stops the hater-ama because they’re little passive aggressive wimps who can’t follow through on all their haterriffic shit. Everyone except for my girl Dina, who comes directly up to Amber and, in, I thought, a very straightforward and respectful way basically tells Amber that she and Jimmy have to get the fuck out. Now. No kidding; you guys have to go.

After a weak attempt at changing her mind (my Dina is implacable) Amber gets up and leads her crazy better half up to their Boca bedroom where she tearfully packs her things and huffily leaves. When last we see them Amber and Jimmy the Asshole From Outer Space are sitting on their bags, on the curb, waiting for the same black sedan that ferried Nicole back to her motherfucking husband the previous night. Amber is, what else, crying as she intones over and over, “those people are the worst”. Um, Amber? You’re ALL the worst. Except my Dina.

The Leftovers (Nicole, Bobby, Melissa and JTA) spend the day drinking like the alcoholics that they so clearly are, on a rented yacht as it cruises the Intracoastal Waterway. At one point, as Melissa disrobes down to her, frankly kinda covered up for her, bathing suit. JTA, already lazing in the hottub repeats over and over and over “Look at who I’m married to….this is why I love coming home every night…I come home to this….look at who I’m married to”. Jesus H. Christ ya fucking moron, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!! We GET IT!! YOU’RE STRAIGHT!! Oooopss…maybe not, though, as drunken horseplay ensues the two loaded dudes jump overboard, to the clear dismay of the boat’s captain, and proceed to splash around in the water, eventually swimming to “shore” where Bobby, he the “fireman” rolls JTA over onto his back and begins to administer “mouth to mouth”. Yeah, so that happened. I’ll say no more about it. Except this: "horseplay" between two dudes is NEVER not about that whole homoerotic subtext. Never.

The episode ends with a chef-prepared dinner back at the Boca house with all the remaining “friends”: Melissa and JTA, who manage to remind us that they’ve now fucked TWICE today…yeah, JTA, keep it up, brother. Ever hear the expression: “Methinks he doth protest too much”? Yeah, I didn’t think so, but trust me I’m pretty sure it applies to you, asshole. Nicole is there but Bobby is too hungover to come downstairs, that is until JTA pours water on his sleepy head and tickles his wittle feet. That gets him right up and down to the table. Of course Dina’s there, too. And who’s this driving up? Well, none other than wayward twin TeRESSa and her motherfucking husband, Rino, who regales the group, scoffing at the rumor, spread the night before about him and his MIL. Apparently, Rino’s Word of the Day calendar had “Outlandish” as that day’s word since he used it about 80 times to describe Jimmy Marchese, he of the Amber and Jimmy Against The World show.

So that’s this week’s recap, folks. The big reveal was kind of a bust but what the hey…we’ve got the budding bromance between JTA and Booby to look forward to. Stay tuned!

Monday, September 29, 2014

RHONJ This Week: Fan Boats, Gators and Man Bitches Hiding In Bathrooms

Yeah, but still no I-Slept-With-My-Mother-In-Law-Gate. I figure at this point Bravo's just fucking with us and they'll air it sometime around next Easter. Whatever...I've given up caring. EXCEPT I HAVEN'T, YOU FUCKERS AT BRAVO! Again with the end teaser trailer previewing next week and offering the false promise of a I-Fucked-My-Mother-In-Law-Gate-A-Palooza. Only difference being is that in this trailer we actually hear Asshole From Outer Space, Jim, shout the words "HE SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" So...maybe...NO! I refuse to be duped by Bravo for a third straight week. Christ ABIB, its not like you're going to stop watching. Truth.

So we rejoin the girls chilling in Boca, hanging out at a reptile ranch and falling in love with a baby gator born with no tail. Dina especially, she of the hairless cat and dog with no front legs, is charmed, crooning that she wants to take the little fella home. Until she remembers that he'll eventually eat her and her other pets. Not to mention a likely revenge-fueled rampage through her DSW sized shoe collection some of which HAVE to have originally been one reptile or another. Yeah, so no little tail-less alligator. Next the girls hop onto two fanboats for a fast trip through the swampy Everglades to spot some real gators in the wild. which they do and its kind of boring, frankly. They're just gators, in a swamp, floating. ZZZZZZZZZZZ The girls seem to like it though, screaming and waving their arms as another lackey shuttles them around and basically becomes a water taxi. At this point I'm pretty sure that these girls are always totally hammered, so even a bug-laden swamp is fun, fun, FUN cause they're drunk!

Back in Jersey the families Guidice and Wakile are loading up on fambly time, T, JJ and their girls over at JJ's bro's house, and the Wakiles over at Kathy's place listening to Rosie the Rivet Head prattle on and on about how she and Ellen broke up and she's sure that there's someone out there for her. Someone like her own mother, she pines, who is always at her side no matter what. The sentiment is kind of sweet until you realize that she's pairing the concept of her loyal mother and a future sexual partner/wife. Theeeennnnn it gets a little creepy. Even Rosie realizes what she's saying and laughs uncomfortably. Yeah, Rosie, we're right there with you. Let's not rule out nervous laughter, said Rachel Green, better than anyone ever. Everyone at the Guidice dinner table is crying, like every week someone is crying this season and this week it's JJ, his mother, T, JJ's old Dad, JJ's brotha...fuck it: everyone at the table is crying over all the sentimental crap everyone is intoning. Weekly lectures this season about IMPORTANT TOPICS! FORGIVENESS! DEVOTION TO FAMILY! VALUING WHATS IMPORTANT! OFFSHORE ACCOUNTS! GETTING A BETTER FUCKING CPA! Stuff like that. Also, we get another tearful visit to the Laurita's with Jacqueline-san and her crying over the kid. Oy, is this going to become a weekly event? Seriously? Who gives a shit? Sorry, I might be the only one here, but Jacqueline Laurita annoys the crap out of me.

Back in Boca shits starting to get real with the arrival of Amber and Asshole From Outer Space, jim. Either Jim's a really stupid,mean drunk or his role is scripted to the point of him nearly looking into the camera and twirling his mustache ala Snidely Whiplash. I mean, who talks like that? As soon as he and Amber sit down he starts to pick a fight with Nicole's boyfriend and Jim's ex-BFF, Bobbie. Bobbie listens for a hot second and then runs upstairs and locks himself in the bathroom after accusing Nicole, who in her 12-inch Jimmy Choos, is hobbling after him as fast as her wobbly legs will carry her. "You're so stupid!" Bobbie yells at Nicole who is quickly losing ground on him. He repeats that Mean Girl line about three more times and then locks himself in the bathroom. Yeah, I wondered the same thing, too: what grown man locks himself in the bathroom? Whatever, it prompts a rapid acceleration of the drama downstairs as one-by-one, starting with Amber all the girls run to the kitchen and start to cry. This mayhem makes zero sense even for a Bravo RH franchise so I figure it's very badly edited or the producers are just getting lazy with the scripts. Probably both. Soon Amber's crying, Nicole's crying, Jim's still cussing out every dude in the room, which at this point is only Joey The Ape. Melissa is shaking her head and looking distraught, running between the tear frenzy in the kitchen and JTA's side on the couch. Jim still won't shut up. That's what its like when you're an Asshole From Outer Space, the rules of our world just don't apply. Dina is trying to Namaste the hell out of Amber who WON'T STOP CRYING EVEN THOUGH THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. Amber and Jim def deserve each other. Meanwhile, as the episode draws to a close Jim is heard dissing ex bestie Bobbie with tales of his cheating by way of a condo he maintains with a ho on the side. THE ENTIRE TIME HE'S BEEN DATING NICOLE! She won't hear of it and TeRESSa jumps into protective twin mode, vowing in her talking head confessional: "You mess with my sister you mess with me! You hurt my family, I hurt you!" All we need is Kathy's canollis and Don Corleone and it's a wrap.

Joey the Ape weighs in by calling Jim a bitch. Good one JTA, pretty articulate of you. At this point in the show I was struck by the audacity of men who are wholly supported by their wives' participation in this three ring circus using derogatory terms for females to insult their fellow freeloading husbands/boyfriends. Pretty ironic, dontchathink? So the episode ends with Asshole from Outer Space Jim drunkenly crashing into a glass table on his way out to the pool to continue in his harangue of Bobbie who has finally emerged from the powder room, apparently having regained his composure. So there you have it, next week promises to continue the Brawl in Boca and I'm pretty sure that Rino's gonna convieniently show up just in time for the big I-Fucked-My-Mother-in-Law-Gate...not that I'm getting my hopes up; Bravo is a fickle, fickle temptress.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Oh Honey Boo Boo, Honey, Honey Boo Boo

Uncharacteristically slow on the uptake here, The ABIB is (SHOCKINGLY) just now reporting on the break up of the...what was it exactly...marriage? committment arrangement? shack-up-tials?...lets just say union, of Mama June and Sugar Bear, they the parents of the titled progency HBB herself. Accused of trolling for hook-ups on various dating services (which he vehemently denies) Sugar Bear has been summarily dumped by big, 'ol Mama June who's in the process of looking for a new big 'ol house for her brood sans SB and closer to her fambly, wherever that may be. I picture them just like The Beverly Hillbillies, driving down the road in a ramshackle, old truck..."swimmin' pools, movie stars!" Hey June: I know of a $4M, 12,000 square foot white elephant up in New Jersey. Probably too cold up there for your normally shoeless feet (due to an unfortunate intersection between one of those said feet and a forklift). Not going there.

Certain wags have been heard to opine that this whole Mama June - Sugar Bear break-up is wholly concocted for ratings as the show is just now beginning it's third season on that stalwart of high brow programming: TLC. Yeah, brainiacs, we all figured that out, too. I caught Honey Boo Boo and Mama June on The Tonight Show recently and Jimmy Fallon gamely played along with the pair in spite of having to deal with a nine-year-old who has been raised in the freak show world of child beauty pageants followed by the super freak show world of broadcast reality TV. Oy. To say that shes badly behaved is kind of like saying that Mama June needs to lose a few pounds. Cue the inappropriate cheap joke at the expense of the fat lady effects. But seriously, how can this kid ever emerge from such an upbringing and lead a halfway normal life? It's been reported that HBB has left the world of pageants. Ya think?

A quick search reveals that this girl and her family have been photographed what appears to be 10 million times. HBB barefoot at the Quicky Mart, HBB walking down the street with a giant soda, Mama June's 2008 mug shot, Sugar Bear's undated mug shot...the list goes on and on. So it's no wonder that this little "Holla for a Dolla Honey Boo Boo" keeps being put out in front by her mother to shake that money-maker for the fambly. Anyway, back to the beginning: Mama June and Sugar Bear are, The ABIB believes, in the process of faking a "separation" to boost flagging ratings and extend HBB's 15 minutes of fame, which seem to have sadly expired. All that's left is an ever-growing HBB having to adjust to life as a mortal child. A fame target at six...washed up by nine...its all downhill from here.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

RHONJ - Where's An Intracoastal Waterway Kraken When You Need One?

Welcome back to the ongoing saga of...what exactly? Overpaid buffoons making like they've got something of importance to say, when in reality they're just a bunch of...goombas. But I'll give it some more time because they keep teasing me with quick scenes from next week where the bozo boys get into it over The Gotti Rumor From Hell. But it turns out it's not fucking next week, its the WEEK AFTER NEXT. Those fuckers at Bravo better be careful with their endless teaser trailers because it's not like this is such a scintillating season and we're all gonna just hang around until they're ready to entertain us. Well, I am, of course, but I'm compulsive that way.

Anyhoo, Amber, as you might have guessed in spite of all the drama and dramatic editing:

"Yes, Amber, your blood work came back and it''s...." COMMERCIAL BREAK!

As if any fucking doctor talks that way. Christ folks, lets at least TRY to pull the wool over our eyes that this crazy fest is not TOTALLY scripted! So, as I was saying, as you might have guessed, Amber's blood work came back fine with no leftover "inconclusives" hanging over her Godiva-haired head. So, after shedding some much coached tears of joy, she and her lunatic husband Jim are off to Boca to hang with da goils and get all kinda crazy behind her good news health report. Good on you, Amber. I still think you're a mega annoyance. But that's just me...

Meanwhile in Boca we've got the twins, TeRESSa and Nicole, "I'm Hatin' On Her With A White Hot Intensity" Melissa the Gorgon, and my would be BFF, Dina. T politely declined wanting to stay back in Jersey with the fam, what with the federal indictments and all. Totes understand, babe. By the by, T is really all grown up this season, she's mature and together and just kinda chill. I'm waiting for the other Mahnolo to drop. This is our table-flipper after all.

The gals in Boca are cougaring it up with a Bravo-supplied pool boy whose only flaw, according to Nicole (or was it TeRESSa?) is that he's got nipple hair. Um, ewwww.. They find out ASAP that he's single which makes him perfect for our Dina who is also single and ready to mingle. But in her talking head confessional Dina tells us that she's not really into the whole cougar vibe...she's more into an older fella. Way to look out for that DSW sized shoe collection babe. That kind of purchasing fetish is not going to fund itself. My Dina's a smarty girl. After lazing at the pool and getting pretty hammered, and watching Melissa flaunt her, truth be told, pretty kick ass body after three kids, everyone decides that they're going to hang out tonight at the house, drink wine and make dinner togehter. Oh, and that flaunting I just mentioned? Melissa was cavorting, capering and otherwise jumping around like a grasshopper on acid, as boats motored by on what must be the Intracoastal Waterway. I kept chanting at the TV: just another couple of feet...just another couple of feet...I was totally pissed that she didn't fall in. Oh well, a bitch can hope.

Girls then went on over to the local supermarket to get all the fixings for their Eyetalian dinner in and honestly if those fucking twins said "WE NEED THE LONG HOT PEPPERS! YOU KNOW? THE LONG HOTS! YOU GOT ANY OF THOSE LONG HOT EYETALIAN PEPPERS? THE LONNNNNGGGG HOT ONES!" Of course just toting around an entire film crew wasn't attention grabbing enough. Even "I'm Hatin' On Her With A White Hot Intensity" Melissa The Gorgon, herself a shrill annoyance, was "SO OVER THEM!!" Yeah, Meliss, we know just how you feel..

There was one quick cut back to Joey the Ape "babysitting" the kids while Mom was whoring it up on the Intracoastal. Babysitting by Joey the Ape entails throwing his kids around...literally...and telling his seven year old daughter that he wasn't ready to "have The Talk" with her just yet. Oh, thank Christ, you moronic numbskull..SHE'S SEVEN!!! He also told us that once his daughter is old enough he's going to "break the Internet". Hmmmm....OK....presuming that your currrently seven year old daughter is going to become a porn addict is kinda creepy, no? But that's life with a man whose head is approximately the size of a billiard ball.

Okey dokey, following that throw away scene of mayhem we wind up WHERE??? In Casa Laurita with WHO???? Jacqueline and Kathy. What the What? Who the fuck invited them? True to her style, Kath's brought some calorie-laden, homemade goody for Jacqueline to sample. Delish, of course. Also? My prediction that Jac's love of plastic surgery has her on the fast track to becoming Big Ange is proving very insightful on behalf of The ABIB. In her talking head where Jacqueline is talking about...who the fuck knows..she's such a boring annoyance, plus I was transfixed by her ever-changing face which has now rendered her Asian. Fo rill, her eyes have been so pulled up that they have quite literally taken on the angle of Asian eyes. Anyway, Kath's come over to spill the news that she and Idiot In Chief Richie are building a new, BIGGER house in Franklin Lakes and that means she and the Lauritas are going to be neighbors! Kathy's evil plan to keep her grown kids at home forever (fuck, can you blame her, if they leave she's stuck with Idiot In Chief) is to build a house so huge that they each have their own WING! Yeah. Well, Jac's on the downsize train along with T and JJ, so Kathy's left out there in left field with her burgeoning new McMansion, which they visit even though its still just a shell and Jac's wearing 18 inch heels. Way to go ya fucking jackass.

We quickly rejoin the Boca Bitches and post-dinner they're outside just chillin' by "the tallest, skinniest palm tree" that Nicole or was it TeRESSa has ever seen. Then the producers get Dina all scripted out as she worries herself into a frenzy about how on earth she can keep this huge secret that T shared with her about how The Gotti Rumor From Hell is just too big to keep inside. Dina's determined to tell the secret but she can't tell, because...well, way back at the beginning of this post I told you all that Bravos got it on the tease for next week. For the last TWO weeks. So in the last 10 minutes of the show we're treated to Dina fretting should she tell, shouldn't she tell. She's been hinting at it since the bus ride in from the airport and the twins have openly stated that they don't wanna know. That don't matter because in the teaser we already know that Asshole From Outer Space Jim (of Jim and Amber) is going to shout out the news once the guys get there. Next week. Yeah, Bravo; fuck you!

So that's the latest except for T and her woes. I skipped over them cause frankly they're pretty boring. She's looking for a new, smaller house and JJ's in a suit. Nuff said. Stay tuned cause I'm pretty sure that this week's ep's gonna blow the lid on I Fucked My Monther-In-Law-Gate. Should be real, real, classy.

But Seriously Folks...

The insane asylum hothouse that is the Chicago improv "community" exists to perpetuate its own bloated self interest. It does this by huckstering multi-leveled "coursework" ostensibly aimed at creating armies of earnest improvisers poised to make their lives, and by extension, our world, a better place. In actuality what this pipeline churns out are armies of adherents willing to do nearly anything to be validated by their improv teachers and "coaches", themselves extensions of the organizations that sell the coursework. Any given cult or pyramid scheme uses methodologies to indoctrinate the faithful that bear striking resemblance to what passes for the advocacy of the group think of improv. Its all about the "yes, and"...or actually, “there’s a sucker born every minute”. Let me begin by painting a picture.

Eager Young Person: I want to be an improviser so I came to Chicago. I live in a crowded apartment with four other young wanna-be improvisers and we all work minimum wage jobs. Can you help me (insert here your choice: iO, The Annoyance, The Playground, Second City)?

Multimillion Dollar Improvisation Theater/School (again, insert your choice from the list above): Can we help you? Babe, you can’t get ANYWHERE in this town WITHOUT our help. You’ve come to the right place.

Eager Young Person: What do I need to do?

Multimillion Dollar Improvisation Theater/School: OK, first, give us several thousand dollars and all of your free time to take classes at our establishments that span several levels and many, many months, if not years. Following that, audition for one of our “teams” in a very competitive but essentially totally random selection process. You will be observed and your skills judged by (in one of our $$$$ “schools”) a shadowy organization made up of self-important douchebags who call themselves The Harold Commission. Let me repeat that: The Harold Commission. Commission. Yes, I know; try hard not to laugh at this level of outlandish pomposity. This holy order is named for "The Harold", the signature improv format that nobody outside of the insular world of improv has ever heard of. The Harold was invented by cult-founder-leader-for-eternity-self-proclaimed-warlock-and-clearly-certifiable-sadistic-maniac Del Close who, in the late 1950s, supposedly invented the, " art", of improv. I’m not going to go into his story so as not to rile up the pathetic faithful who continue to extol his superior vision all these years later. To improv purists Del Close is quite literally a god.

So, if you aren’t selected its because you did something wrong or otherwise missed the deep message embedded in the training you’ve just had, so clearly you need to go back to the beginning and start again. Come back for another audition in about 18 months, but of course, no promises. In the meantime max out your credit cards and, or, beg money from relatives to pay for this next round of “education” because, of course, by beginning again you have to pay the full fee. And you'll go on paying it until we deem you sufficiently "educated". Also, know that once you complete the first two or three levels that ensure that you’re adequately indoctrinated into our group think, cultish lifestyle, we’ll precipitously limit the the number of “students” that have to compete for a dwindling number of slots in our “courses” in order to complete the full roster of “training” that allows you to audition for a “team”. Oh, and sometimes those audition slots are limited to the point that online registration for an audition is filled in a matter of a few seconds. Have fun with that because that’s what the mind fuck of Chicago improv is all about. If your life is disrupted to the point that you have to take a day off work in order to be at your laptop when registration opens, oh well, that’s the improv life - a full-on commitment to playing by our random, ever-changing rules. You gotta want it! Plus, if it isn't obvious by now we really like to shake our dicks at all of you just because we can. That and we're awful, awful people.

Eager Young Person: OK, if I do that will I get on a “team” and be able to perform and use all the skills I’ve learned going through your course levels again? Will I be able to get on SNL then?

Multimillion Dollar Improvisation Theater/School
: Not so fast. If you’ve set aside your ego sufficiently this time to be able to absorb the improv wisdom that has been presented to you in this second (or third, or fourth, or fifth) round of coursework (and we’ll be the sole judge of that), and you successfully pass the audition for a “team”, then you get to BE on the team, pay money to us each week for a team “coach”, and fork over the cost of our performance space when your team is on stage. You, of course, earn zero money for this activity; you’re just one of the lucky ones that gets to be in the position to pay US for the opportunity we’re offering you to get into the “group mind” of improv. Of course we sell the fuck out of tickets to those folks who come to see your team perform because, well, we set the rules, remember? Also, if you’re really, really lucky we’ll pick you to work for free selling tickets or tearing tickets or pouring beers because by volunteering your free time to work in a for-fucking-profit enterprise you show us just how much you WANT IT. Oh, did we tell you we’re building a new seven million dollar theater across town? Yeah, it’s good to be king. Or queen, as the case may be.

Eager Young Person: Where do I sign up? AKA, please, please love me.

And...scene. So if I told this story to a random group of people not brainwashed by the improv cult leaders that rule the improv roost in Chicago would any of them in their right mind choose to participate? Uh, just in case I have to spell it out for you...oh, hell no. However, what you read just now is exactly the way the world works in the factory farm environment that is Chicago improv. The difference being that it’s not cattle being sent down the chute to the slaughter, its young people from around the country who make the pilgrimage to Chicago because they saw a few episodes of Whose Line Is It Anyway? and expect that they’ll become the next in a supposedly long line of winners chosen by Lorne Michaels to join his SNL casts over the years. Reality being reality, a decent guess as to the chances of that happening, based on the number of young people paying to become an improv "star" versus the number of actual stars that have been made over the years is about 1 in 50,000. If the odds are even that good. For real.

So there you have it, folks. The dirty little secret that is the rigged game of the Chicago improv world. All the chips for all the prizes for all time are owned by the few at the top of the pyramid and paid for by the multitudes of slaves at the bottom of the pyramid. So, YOU! Yes, you, that slob in the flannel shirt, geek-chic glasses and dirty sneakers, shuffle on over here to Chi-town and take your place in the great factory that is Chicago improv. We guarantee you’ll be glad you did. And what were you going to do with that down payment cash anyway? That house will always be there and, after all, it’s just a house. We’re offering you the chance to create ART with a capital “A” because we’re all assholes with a capital “A” and we’re damn fucking proud of it.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Three Musketeers Mini Annoyed At Being The Last Candy Left in the Bowl - Again

Jill's Office, Andover, Massachusetts - A Three Musketeers Bite Size Mini was heard voicing its annoyance at once again being left as the last candy in the candy bowl on Jill's desk. Previously filled to the brim with mini Hershey bars, Kit Kats, Milky Way bars and Twix, the bowl was down to one lone bite size Three Musketeers.

"I don't get it. I'm chocolate inside, chocolate outside, light, airy and delicious. What the hell does Kit Kat have that I don't? So what if its crunchy; I'm fluffy! And don't even get me started on the Reese's. Peanut butter? Please."

Jill's candy bowl is a well-known office hangout for co-workers needing a mid or late afternoon sugar fix. People have been known to openly pick through the Three Musketeers to get to a Hershey's kiss buried at the bottom of the glass bowl. Overheard recently when encountering the last Three Musketeers, two co-workers conjectured on what might be in the vending machine down on five, baldly voicing their disdain for the Three Musketeers as "nothing but corn syrup and air; its not even candy, really". They left the mini alone in the bowl and were heard to be pooling their change to buy a bag of Skittles.

"That was the low point for me," the mini Three Musketeers grumbled, "I mean what does a candy have to do to be picked? A song and dance routine? I'm silver, red, white and blue for Christ sake! My Truffle Crisp even says "New" on the front! Jill's gonna come in here soon and dump in a whole new bag of the glitterati and there I'll be...back at the bottom again. So unfair."

When last heard from the bite sized Three Musketeers was plotting to unwrap itself in a desperate bid to be noticed. Chuckling at the top of the pile were a mini bag of Reese's Pieces and two Rolos.


Local Woman Admits to Having Problem With Overuse of Enthusiastic Punctuation

Rachel Williamson of Edina took the first steps toward recovery today when she resisted the urge to add an exclamation point to the end of her email to several colleagues at the accounting firm where she is a group level administrative assistant.

“I’ve known for some time that I have a problem,” Rachel quietly admitted, “it’s something that, up until now, I’ve been unable, or maybe unwilling, to control. It’s just so easy to be that cheerful, ebullient enthusiastic person when you’ve got the exclamation point crutch. I finally had to admit to the problem when the exclamation points started to creep into my Word documents, titles on Excel spreadsheets…even my text messages…I’m so ashamed.” Ironically described as “quiet” by her coworkers and friends, Rachel admits that her addiction has been an uphill battle.

“It’s so easy to be that jaunty, bubbly person when you’re hiding behind an exclamation point.”

It was a polite but direct email reply from her manager requesting that she “tone it down in her emails” that was the first clue to Rachel that she had to take action.

“I have to say that at first I was hurt when I got Ed’s email. I mean, I’m just trying to be cheerful and bright. But then I realized that Ed was right…it was just too much. I was practically shouting my cheerfulness to people. I mean who talks that way?”

Rachel’s next step was to discreetly reach out to fellow enthusiastic punctuation overusers in her office and form a self-help group. They meet once a week at lunch at a local Panera Bread.

“It’s loud enough in there that we can all really just be ourselves, really let our enthusiastic hair down and share.”

“We all knew we had a problem. I was grateful to Rachel for reaching out,” said Maggie, “I have a problem with both exclamation points and happy faces…well, actually all kinds of emoticons.”

Rachel admits that she’s still got a ways to go in her recovery.

“What with Instagram, Tumblr and Facebook, we enthusiastic punctuation overusers have a special challenge in fighting against the immediate gratification of adding those four…or Lord help me…even five or six, exclamation points to the end of a post or a Tweet…It’s a journey.”

Sunday, September 14, 2014

RHONJ Shorthand Quickie Update

So, three weeks in what have you missed?

Lotta prayin' goin' on.

Lotta wondering from T: Why is this happening to us?

Lotta mail, mortgage and and wire fraud - that's why, moron.

A second Theresa who calls herself TeRESSa.

Her twin named Nicole who only needs oral sex and Dunkin' Donuts.

Amber who can't keep a secret and who is potentially the busiest busybody on a franchise dedicated to the nearly worshipful exposure of busybodies.

Her douchebag husband Michael who is a LAWya. And, like I said, a douchebag.

Oh, and Rino, TheRESSa's husband who, when they were divorced from being married the first time, slept with her mother. According to sometime-RHONJ-guest-star and full time buddy of T, Victoria Gotti. Yeah, THAT Gotti. Everyone now, sing with me: Mother in law....MOTHER IN LAW...Mother in law...MOTHER IN LAW...Oy, the ick factor could NOT be higher.

Blessedly precious little of blockhead-in-chief Richie Wakile. But Kathy still occasionally appears bearing canollis.

Also blessedly less of Rosie the Rivet Head, who, BTW, has a new girlfriend...good on you Rosie, now go away...just go away...

More to despise about Melissa the little asshat and her bullet-headed husband Joey the Ape: lying, throwing shade every-fucking-where, humble bragging about having to pay to fix her Bentley because "it was icy out that day...", bitching and moaning about the indignity of having to live in a downsized rental house while their new custom giganto mcmansion is being built, being concerned for T and JJ and their kids because of all the, you know, "legal stuff". You know that secretly she's just filled with evil glee that T, her sister-in-law-cum-nemesis, is now twisting in the wind. Melissa, I think I'll hate you most of all...

And last but not least, rather BEST: the triumphant return of Dina Manzo the gloriously delightful and refreshing voice of reason and sanity on an otherwise crackpot cast of 40-something juvenile delinquents. Dina, whose sister you may recall is the high and mighty mother to three empty headed ninnies, Caroline Manzo. Caroline, or Dirty C, as I like to think of her, is OFF THE PROGRAM!! She got a spin-off with her scrounging-for-IQ offspring so at least I don't have to put up with their dipshit nonsense on RHONJ. Lordy good riddance!

I will be picking up where this blog left off with weekly updates on the RHONJ and anything else that occurs to me that's worthy of a righteous rant. Until then I will return to lobbying Dina Manzo to be her new BFF, because she's here this season to bring the Zen. And because she has a whole room dedicated to her color-sorted shoe collection. Namaste, bitches!