Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Shit That Annoys The ABIB, Part One

Following is the first installment in a new feature here called: Shit That Annoys The ABIB. I know, I know…doesn’t EVERYTHING annoy The ABIB is what you’re thinking. Well, truth be told, pretty much everything DOES annoy The ABIB but I’ll try to confine these to things that really, really annoy The ABIB. So, let’s begin, shall we?


Top of this list is the monumentally annoying response that some people choose to offer when they hear the word: “Hello” or “Hi”. As in:

“Hello, Brad”


Greetings? Really? Why not just add the word “earthling” to the end of that expression because you’ve clearly ID’d yourself as being a complete geek from another planet. People that do this generally think of themselves as quirky, offbeat or original, that is to say, somehow different from the rest of us. So different, in fact, that they become Mr. Spock when simply saying hello. Guess what, weirdo? You wipe your ass just like everyone else; get over yourself.

Backing In To Parking Spaces

This one is so annoying to The ABIB that she actually covered it in an entire post a few years ago. Right Here. Basically when people choose to back into a parking space what I hear them thinking is one of two things:

I am entitled to hold everyone behind me up while I perform the 80 point turn necessary to back into this space because their time is of zero value in the face of me needing to prove my driving prowess by doing backwards what everyone else does the regular way. Or,

I know I’m just being paranoid but you never know when you’re going to have to jet out of a parking space with no delay. The Popo comes immediately to mind.

The ABIB just watched some idiot back into a parking space today and, true to habit, this moron took about eight full minutes to park her car because she had to back in and out and in and out and in and out about 30 times. A dream of mine is to actually see one of these pinheads scrape one of the cars on either side of their masterful back-in job so that I can report their asses. A bitch can dream.

Quizzes on Facebook

What Color is Your Aura?

How Alike Are You and Your Mother?

What Is Your Spirit Animal?

What is Your Redneck Name?

The list goes on forever. I really don’t know who began these moronic activities, but just like every other mindless meme in social media, they’ve taken hold and won’t let go. Now, The ABIB admits to having taken one or two of these but she realized quickly that, heck, how can someone tell me what Disney character I’m most like? Oh, I see how: one of the questions is: What Makes You Happiest? A. Hanging out With an Old, Talking Tree? B. Living in an Inaccessible Tower and Growing Your Hair Out For 15 Years? C. Sharing a Deep Woods Cottage With Seven Tiny Men? D. Finding a Book to Read in a Dark, Drafty, Remote Castle Owned by an Angry, Large Creature? So, I became disillusioned with the whole Facebook Quiz phenomenon which happened right around the time that I was told that my aura is Pink which is ridiculous; someone as angry as The ABIB must have at least a deep magenta aura, even a royal, holier-than-thou purple would work, but PINK? I was done. So I gave up on the quiz culture altogether and have taken up the cudgels for their full and complete elimination. Right after I read The 15 Reasons Why Pizza Is Everything. Which brings me to…


Lists are another social media meme that hook you in with gateway lists like: well, The 15 Reasons Why Pizza is Everything, but before you know it the clock says 2:30 in the morning and you’re reading 51 Times Lorde Was Your Life Coach. And it’s making sense. I’m convinced that the whole fascination with Lists, so easy and breezy (who can’t read a list for fuck’s sake?) is geared toward getting us to become numb to moronic, vapid content so that when we’re nice and sated, stuck with an open laptop and an old box of bad Chinese food several hours into a random linking path on Buzzfeed, we realize we ARE actually Pochahontas and have been waiting our whole lives for the ultimate quiz/list hybrid which we can now and only now write: 85 Photos of Corgis Rolling on the Grass and Jumping Into The Pool While You Eat 30 Delicious Totally Vegetarian Roll-Ups Because Your Bad Hair Days Are Killing Your Health And Have Left You Asking: Which Dyson Cleaning Tool Will Answer The Eternal Question of the Meaning of Life. And then you book a trip to Disney World because Grandmother Willow is way behind on gossip. Greetings, earthling; we are now inside your head.

No comments: