Friday, October 19, 2012

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Recap: Episode Three: So, Nu? Is She a Strippa or Not?

OK, to quote someone much funnier than me: "If Chris Laurita, who has a fully loaded gun closet in his basement, is the voice of reason you know it's fucked up." Yeah, the husbands showed up for this third and final episode of the RHONJ Reunion and, among other things, inarticulate shouting ensued.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Joey "The Ape" Gorga
"YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Joe "Snaggletooth" Guidice
"YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Joe "Snaggletooth" Guidice

So, yeah; that happened. Oddly arrayed, standing behind their respective wives, the RHONJ husbands looked pretty pissed off that they had to be there. Except for freak of nature Richie Wakile, that is, who just looked like the fish-lipped, dull-eyed douchebag that he is, sporting (again in the words of someone much funnier than me) "those ridiculous big-ass rap mogul glasses" with the tinted lenses that he wears. The stage was set for the final show-down of Strippergate and in order to bring the drahma, Bravo went all out and booked Old Crack Whore Kim D. But before that hag sashayed onto the Borgata stage, we were treated to further sniping from one couch to the other with cross-eyed Andy in between fielding the hate and upping the ante with every baleful glance. Can I just say that, considering that Andy Cohen is the Executive Vice President of Development and Talent at Bravo, basically the network executive responsible for the Housewives franchise, he does a great job making HIMSELF the centerpiece of each Reunion show. Not to mention he's put himself on TV literally every day of the year as the host of his own "Watch What Happens Live", thus making him perhaps the MOST egotistical TV executive alive. Which is saying something.

So, the heat went way up on this, the last reunion EP, with more open-faced lies, more crocodile tears and more shrill accusations of eye shadow theft reaching a fever pitch. At one point, sporting her ugliest fake crying face EVER, Thereser screamed at Melissa? Brother Joey "The Ape"? "I NEVER CALLED YOU A STRIPPER! I NEVER CALLED YOU A STRIPPER!" I'm thinking here that between the table flipping and the near assault and battery of Danielle Staub, the Bravo writing team is given the assignment to construct a high anxiety moment for Thereser to use as her "I'MGONNAGOCRAZEEEEEE" moment at the end of each season. Just sayin'. But you know it's what I tune in for, works. At least for me.

I spent much of this EP wondering who the fuck even gives a shit if Melissa was ever a stripper or bag lady or a fucking secret agent for Lower Slobovia. I mean, to look at these hard-ass bitches, one could safely draw the conclusion that "stripper" might just be the tamest epithet you could lob at them. I'm thinking any one of them (and that includes YOU LAP BAND LAUREN and YOU ROSIEMODO) could easily be charged with anything ranging from kneecapping for the mob to grand theft auto to out-and-out street walking. So, yeah, stripper's pretty fucking tame. Be that as it may, Melissa and all the other HO-Wives were deeply, DEEPLY offended that one of their own was being tagged with such a dirty, sullying charge. For what it's worth, looking at Melissa, I frankly don't know how she could have AVOIDED having been a stripper at some point in her past. Or present. Or future.

The charge of "stripper" was also being slung at Jacqueline, as in "your husband told me that he met you in Vegas and that you were a stripper there." This from Joe "Snaggletooth" about a secret shared with him by Mr. Jacqueline, Chris Laurita. For the record, the corporate line from Mr. and Mrs. Laurita was "we met in Chicago at a trade show". A trade show? What was the trade that was being shown? Stripper poles? Anyway, they both repeated it rotely several times as if to convince themselves along with us: we met in Chicago at a trade show, we met in Chicago at a trade show, we met get the picture. Chris Laurita must have been having second thoughts about lying on national TV because shortly after the Lauritas' mutually-agreed-upon origin story, he asked the assemblage: "even if someone WAS a stripper, what's the big deal?"

Atta boy, Chris; what's the big deal indeed. I also can't forget to mention the requisite "YOU'VE TURNED MOMMY AND DADDY AGAINST ME!!" shouting match that ensued between brother Joey "The Ape" and big sis Thereser, he accusing her of poisoning their parents against him. And, no that Mommy and Daddy was not my editorializing for comic value, those were the terms that THEY used. For the record: past, say, 10 years old, Mommy and Daddy is actually kind of icky. But that's just me and frankly, it's the least of their problems.

After the commercial break Andy announces the arrival of a "special guest" and here comes Old Crack Whore Kim D, she of the no lips and eyemakeup so dark that it looks like she has pupils and only pupils from lash line to lash line. Who knows, maybe she does. Or maybe she has the Black Oil virus from the X-Files. So she sits down and first we see a bizarre kabuki theater apology (I don't think he could have gotten his eyes open any wider) from Joey "The Ape" to Old Crack Whore Kim about how he cussed her out the night of "Operation Humiliate Melissa" on the street in front of Son Cubana. She stiffly accepted his apology, an evil smile on her lipless face. She really doesn't look entirely human.

Anyway, then Andy begins to "grill" her on the details of what exactly went down the night of the Posche fashion show and exactly how much of it Thereser knew in advance. I'm gonna confess right now that at this point the whole "scandal" of Thereser being in on some scheme to out Melissa's dirty past had grown so fucking boring to me that I might have dozed off for a few minutes. What I do know is that Old Crack Whore Kim basically busted Thereser and 'fessed up that, yes, Tre DID know in advance that Kim herself was planning the big "bring Melissa down" action (due to some past perceived slight from Melissa that Old Crack Whore Kim had turned into a grudge) and that it was set to take place at the Posche fashion show. Just like every fucking OTHER Posche fashion show which is where some kind of Bravo-scriped shit goes down and somebody or other gets toasted in public. ZZZZZZ. Plus, Posh spelled Posche is monumentally annoying to me. Camera shot of Melissa and Joey "The Ape" having their "AHA" moment and looking very self-satisfied. No more crying over moving away from evil Tre on this show. Old Crack Whore Kim looked pretty pleased with herself, too and then she was excused to head on back to her street corner and her pipe.

The show closed with Andy asking the RHONJ Grande Dame Caroline (aka The Old Hag) to intone some wise and pithy Bravo-writer-scripted shit about "family and togetherness and how someday we'll all sing Kumbaya and be in our happy place again" and blah, blah, blah. And that was it for this year with the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Next up: The Real Housewives of Atlanta beginning November 4. Amazingly Nene Leakes is still on the show despite being on an ACTUAL scripted TV show called "The New Normal". Don't know why she's bothering with the Atlanta Housewives, but I'm glad she is 'cause I love me some Nene, but I'm totally bummed to see that Sheree is not going to be back. Sheree really brought the crazy, to wit: "Who gonna check me, Boo? YOU?" Head on back over here for those recaps beginning the first week of November. Until then, later gators!

Monday, October 8, 2012

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part Two Recap: Juicy Joe Needs A Red Bull

Well, part two of the RHONJ Reunion brought Juicy Joe "Snaggletooth" Guidice onto the Borgata stage where Andy asked him the question that has been plaguing a nation: "Who do you support in the election, Juicy Joe?" Not really, Andy asked him who was on the infamous call in the California vineyard. Am I the only one that thinks, hey, no way is JJ going to 'fess up about receiving a call from his down-low ho and in fact he did not. Some kind of cock and bull story about it being a friend (male) who then handed the phone to a Spanish-speaking somebody-or-other and JJ had to speak Spanish? Um, OK, JJ, whatever you say, man. Oh, and then he burped Red Bull. On camera. Exsqueeze me, JJ. Straight up classy dude, that Snaggletooth Joe.

Prior to JJ joining the Housewives, "Hey, what am I doing here?" he asks at one point, to no-one in particular. Fulfilling your part of the Bravo contract, JJ; just sit there and STFU. Anyway, prior to JJ joining the Housewives, Rosiemodo makes her presence officially known and joins the Pazzotown Crew on the sofa, alla HER famiglia. A moment before, we're shown the backstage view of last week's tongue-knifing threat session and see that Lauren Manzo, of all people (she of the bellowing "SPELL NAPALM! SPELL NAPALM! SPELL NAPALM!" appearance of last week) is talking Rosiemodo down from her murderous ledge just before she's due to join the ladies on stage, by invoking the respect of Rosie's dead father. Rosie does a verbal genuflect to the memory of her dearly departed Dad and calms down enough to appear on stage.

Where we are treated to a recap of her heartfelt and tear-inducing coming out scene with the Wakile kids. OK, OK...I admit it...even me, THE ABIB, got kinda choked up during that scene. I'm The ABIB ya'll, I'm not made of stone. Back on stage Rosie addresses the difficulties of being gay during her childhood and how she felt alone and that, no, she never thought that Kathy rejected her because she was gay as the evil, scheming Thereser alleged. Cut to Thereser shows the trademark Thereser sidelip lick (so as not to spoil her lipstick) and a "no" shake of the head to signify that Rosie just doesn't remember her own life correctly. What Rosie DOES admit is that Kathy successfully intervened when Rosie was "headed down the wrong path" with some other woman who was going to "ruin her life". So, yeah, Rosie has her sister Kathy to THANK for saving her from the trap of the wrong love (thanks "Moonstruck"). I gotta tell you folks, this whole lovey-dovey scene smacked big time of famiglia wagon-circling to me. I'm thinking that the truth of the Kathy-Rosie relationship is somewhere in the middle of Rosie's "my sister SAVED me" and Thereser's "Kathy was ASHAMED of you which is why she always excluded you" mantras. 'Cause I gotta tell you, I would never put Kathy Wakile and Rosiemodo in a friendly relationship, sisters or no; they literally could not be more different. And once married to that freak of nature Richie Wakile who actually said ON CAMERA that his wife "tasted like fish but gets the job done" (O.M.G.), Kathy was steered even further from her sister's orbit. No matter; Rosie wasn't on the couch long before Andy excused her to return backstage with Lap Band Lauren.

At one point Thereser and Melissa got into it over Melissa's singing because Thereser accused Melissa of lip-synching (which Melissa totally copped to, when, as she said, she was dancing: fair enough). We see footage from the season of the Guidices in some vehicle with their kids, and Tre and Juicy Joe are laughing as their daughters mock Tia Melissa's singing of "On Display". Then Thereser actually bullied Melissa into singing right there on the couch. Awkwaaaaard. Melissa sang a bar or two of her new song but that wasn't enough "proof" for Tre who insisted that she wouldn't be convinced that Melissa could actually sing until she made it through the whole song. Well, Melissa basically told her to go fuck herself (for about the 800th time), so Thereser refocused her attack on the notion that Melissa was always autotuned. Well, shit, Tre if that's all you got you really should dig a little deeper; I mean, EVERYONE is fucking autotuned any more. Leah fucking Michelle is autotuned on Glee for Christ sake. Admit it, Tre, you got nothin'; move on.

Nearing the end of this middle of three hours worth of recappage, Andy tells us that Melissa and Joey "The Ape" Gorga have put their custom-built mansion on the market and are seeking to move. Andy asks Melissa why they want to leave their "dream house" and, after some hesitation (I'm guessing to give herself a couple of moments to think of something sad enough to make herself cry on cue) Melissa tearfully admits that she doesn't want her children to go to school with Thereser's daughters. Um, OK? Is there like one school in this McMansion enclave that EVERY child must attend? Have you ever considered, oh, I don't know, Meliss: private school? No matter; whatever the REAL reason (for the record my guess has something more to do with Joey "The Ape" maybe not doing so well in his BIZNEZ) the Gorgas' story is that they want their kids away from the toxic presence of evil Tia Thereser and her equally evil spawn. Actually Tre's oldest kid ("who is in show business" HAH!) is pretty fucking scary. At one point Thereser gets up and begins to bow repeatedly to the coffee table between the two couches, thanking Jesus for something and I literally cannot recall what. Maybe the fact that ALL the other women have carved her totally out of their lives? That sounds about right.

Also, Caroline Manzo has repeated over the last two hours of this reunion, how much she dislikes herself from this past season and how much she never wants to "be that person ever again". Caroline, I guarantee you, how much you dislike yourself from this season cannot even BEGIN to hold a candle to how fucking annoying I FOUND YOU TO BE EVERY SEASON! Shrill, belligerent, know-it-all who NEVER, EVER, EVER admits when she's wrong. EVER. I'm sure she would not want to consider this but I think the reason she and Tre clash so violently is BECAUSE THEY'RE EXACTLY THE SAME!! Apparently I'm not alone in my distaste for Mrs. Manzo. Throughout the night Andy kept reading emails and Tweets from people blasting Caroline for being a bossy, bullying control freak. A barometer on how much Caroline must be disliked amongst vocal Bravo viewers is the fact that Andy read a few comments where Thereser was cast as Caroline's VICTIM! So, yeah, Caroline; maybe dial it down a notch next time you consider opening your big fucking mouth to tell everyone what the right thing to do is. Oh, and another thing: Caroline crowed with glee that "her numbers are perfect" and that she apparently is NOT in menopause. So the fuck what Caroline; its not like you're NEVER going to go through menopause. It's on its way, hon; trust me. Annoying fucking bitch.

Well, with that ladies and germs, I will conclude this second episode recap and entreat you to return for next week's third installment. In the previews we see that ALL the husbands have now joined their wives and there is, as always, some serious roid-rage throw down set to happen between the two Joes. Caroline, invoking Thereser's funeral service, is once again, attempting to force her take on life on EVERYONE, including sworn enemy Thereser. Should be awesome; join me won't you? Until then, later gators!

Monday, October 1, 2012

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Recap Part One: Damn the Torpedoes Full Speed Ahead!

OK, what was THAT? Only the most awesome, full-blown THROW DOWN RHONJ Reunion show in...EVER! Amirite? Going full-out gangsta, the Housewives were at their profanity-laden, finger-pointing, bitch-slap-sniping insane best. Can I get an "amen" here, people? Thereser has finally, FINALLY assumed the role to which she is uniquely best suited: dressed in snakelike green shimmery scales, she made Cruella DeVille look like The Tooth Fairy. Her black hair coiled around her head like some kind of fucking Medusa, she was spoiling for a fight the minute Cross-Eyed Andy welcomed us to the Borgata for this little refresher course in why the NJ Housewives are without peer in crazy amongst the Bravo franchise. Oh, I know there are some stand-outs like Ramona in NY and in Atlanta Nene and Sheree are always good for a cray-cray display or two each season, but for straight-up, wholesale, balls-to-the-wall, melt-your-brain NUTS, there's nobody can hold a candle to my goils in Joisey.

So lets start at the beginning, shall we? The girls are arrayed alla famiglia on two couches to either side of CEA, with Thereser, Melissa and Kathy on one couch and Caroline and Jacqueline across from them on the other couch. Melissa was noticeably scrunched to her left, closer to Kathy and farther from the toxic waste dump of a sista-in-law to her right. CEA began the night asking Jacqueline to address, now that we've all seen the evidence, why she didn't make it to LAST season's reunion. It didn't take but two hot seconds before Weepy Jac and Thereser were screaming accusations at each other about who betrayed who and which one of them was guilty of "breaking up da family". Tre: it's a bad sign when your two blood relatives are providing the opposing side with evidence to support THEIR position against you, which is how it went down ASAP. Caroline, unable to contain herself for even 15 seconds, began to bellow over Jacqueline, hurling incoherent accusations at Thereser, who, certainly never, EVER to be outdone by ANYONE in the shouting department, threw them right back at her. At one point Thereser pointed to Caroline's torso, shouting: "You've got three rolls there: blubber, blubber and blubber!" To which Caroline shrieks: "AND I'M PROUD OF EVERY ONE OF THEM!" Uh, really, CM? Is anyone really, truly PROUD of fat rolls? I'm thinking "no" here; just sayin'. Oh, and T called Caroline "an old hag". Love it.

Before we know it, Thereser is aiming at the true trajectory of her vitriol, Melissa "The Stripper". For the record, Melissa is still totes denying ever having been a stripper, K? In one of the most out there hilarious Thereser moments, she proceeds to accuse Melissa of "stealing her sparkly eye shadow look from last year." Uh, what? At first everyone, including CEA, seems to think that T's making some kind of an attempt at humor, which as we all know from her cookbook inscriptions, is something she cultivates like the Juicy Joe homemade sausage (ick) that infuses all of her Skinny Italian recipes. But....NOPE, bitch be serious, ya'll; she wants to know why Melissa stole her eye shadow look from last year's reunion EP. Melissa is unable to reply only stutters out something like: "Uh, yeah, Theresa, I copied your eyeshadow look from last year." Such drollery, such deep subtext from these gals as we begin the descent into sixth grade. Thereser won't let it go, though and I think we were all spared by a commercial break, but even CEA was starting to look annoyed at that point. Can I just say here and now that Thereser's fake boobs looked particularly creepy with that icky gold glitter that her make-up person dusted onto her chest. She ended up looking like Rumplestiltskin from Once Upon A Time which, come to think of it, is pretty much correct!

Commercial break over, we now get the back-back story of what contributed to Jacqueline's breakdown of last season. A little video montage follows as Jacqueline and Caroline (SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY IT'S NOT EVEN YOUR FUCKING KID) clue us all in on Jacqueline's son's diagnosis of autism. I guess this was supposed to explain why Jacqueline was so ragged-out and to clear up any misconceptions that, in fact it WASN'T just Thereser being a total asshat, J was dealing with some real-life drama. OK, trust me I know how heartless this is going to sound but I am, after all, The ABIB, OK? But I had a moment where I felt really bad for J but then I was like: OK, total buzzkill here, folks; can we get back to the reason we actually watch this crazy house of nutjobs? Which we did...finally.

Thereser played sympathetic ex-friend for approximately 10 seconds following the end of the video montage before she directed the focus back to herself by stating that "Audriana lost her boyfriend",intimating that Jacqueline's little boy and her daughter used to be a kid item before J's son's diagnosis. OMG, no she DID NOT just say that. OMG, yes she did. This is when all hell broke loose on the Borgata stage. Everyone and I mean, everyone, started screaming at Thereser and within three seconds she was screaming back in what was immediately total and complete mayhem. More commercials, more boob glitter application and lo and behold who does CEA bring out but THE NEW AND IMPROVED Lauren Manzo! Lauren comes strutting out from backstage looking like a fucking drag queen (who does these bitches' makeup?) and we can all see that she's lost weight, which as we know was ruining her life for the entirety of the season. Can I just say here and now that I can't fucking STAND Lauren Manzo? I find her to be the most insufferable pimple-on-the-ass of humanity I have ever had the misfortune to become acquainted with. Even if it's just through the TV. Whenever she's on screen I truly have to hold back from throwing something at it. Cannot abide the bitch.

So after we have to hear about Lauren's miraculous weight loss (LAP BAND surgery folks and congrats to Bravo for the second successful product placement for a surgical procedure) she has to take questions from the Twitterverse asking her if she's ashamed of herself for taking the "easy way out" to weight loss? Um...I can't stand Lauren Manzo and even I was like, what? What kind of jackass asks a question like that? What's the fucking difference how she lost the fucking weight? She lost the weight, what do you care if she used LAP BAND surgery or magic fat-be-gone crystals? Although I do have to consider that the RHONJ Reunion producer maybe feels about Lauren Manzo like I do which is why she was faced with such a stupid question meant to shame her. HAH! (Again, folks...I AM The ABIB). With Lauren on the couch next to her mother we're now treated to a Manzo assault on Thereser and the incoherent shouting ensues pretty quickly after her slightly-less-fat ass is seated on the couch. It doesn't take long for the rest of the jackals to join in and attempt to bring Thereser down so soon we're listening to a completely unintelligable cacophany of noise until Lauren's foghorn voice rises above all the others with the word: "napalm". Apparently Thereser has a blog that is, according to all the other HWs, ghost written by a professional writer. OK, who does THAT and how do I apply for the fucking job? Tre: I could so kick their asses in me...

So Lauren keeps shouting the word "napalm", challenging Thereser to tell everyone what "napalm" means which apparently appeared in a recent blog post. The baiting reaches a feverish pitch with everyone, but mostly Lauren and Caroline, screeching for Thereser to tell them what "napalm" means, insisting that since she can't define it there's the proof that her blog is not written by her. Uh, Lauren? So the fuck what, bitch? I mean, is that REALLY where you want to draw the line in the sand with Thereser, Lauren? Over intelligence, dipshit? Cause I hate to be the one to break it to you, jackass, but I would strongly advise against. At best, at BEST, you would pull a draw on that little competition. Finally, BLESSEDLY, Lauren Manzo leaves the stage. Feh.

Next, inexplicably, Thereser and Kathy engage in a "whose husband is hotter" throw down. Um, ladies? I can clear this up right quick: both of them are sex kryptonite. They're not just ugly, they're fugly. I mean are you serious? Really? Anyway, at one point Thereser states that Juicy Joe would so beat Richie Wakile in his ability to pick up girls on the street. A thunderclap of silence slams down as the camera pans across the girls, each of whom has a shit eating grin that says: "Um, Tre: careful what you wish for." One of them (pretty sure it was Melissa) actually vocalizes that Thereser walked in on Juicy Joe fucking some ho on the desk of his office. His OFFICE? Is that like when my Dad used to go to take a crap and say he's gonna be in "his office" for awhile? Also, CEA in the preview is pressing JJ for the answer to the question: "who was on the phone?" in the vineyard at Caroline's 50th. Yeah, baby!

The show is reaching it's heady conclusion about now and Kathy is armed for bear and being less like the Kathy we've come to know and more like who you would think would be a blood relative to Thereser. In other words, she be goin' for the jugular. Oh, BTW, I forgot to mention that Kathy's got a new nose and some new lips. The jury's out in my mind on the nose job, probably because I care so little, and as for the lips, I couldn't tell any difference so, yeah. CEA in a funny aside, tells Kathy to "put the yellow light" on "that stuff". In other words: 'nuff with the face fixin', Kath. Agreed, CEA, agreed. So, back to Mean Kathy. She and Thereser begin to exchange words and suddenly Kathy barks out some serious shit about Thereser's MOTHA! What? What? To say "them's fightin' words" does not BEGIN to cover Thereser's reaction to this disrespect. I think Kathy called T's mother a bitch, which is like: whoah, ya'll, Kathy just took it up a notch; things about to get all kinda crazy up in here.

If human heads could literally explode, Thereser's head would have been in smithereens on the lovely brocade walls of the Borgata. She went APESHIT. And as if it wasn't enough, Kathy then starts shouting out some shit about T's FATHER, too. You know those little rubber stress dolls that you can buy that have vaguely humanoid features that, when you squeeze them, the eyes, nose and tongue pop out? That is exactly what happened to Thereser's face when Kathy aimed at T's father. She literally became incoherent with rage. Now seated next to Caroline on the OTHER couch, Thereser just kept repeating how Kathy had said shit about her FATHER! HER FATHER WHO KATHY WORSHIPPED! Then, at that moment my most favorite part of the whole EP went down. Thereser lobbed an insult at Kathy about HER father...her DECEASED father. Oh HELL'S NO, bitch. Now Kathy's eyes were bugged out and we all know how scary that looks considering Kathy's eyes are bugged out normally. Kathy starts to scream at Thereser about how she CANNOT disrespect the DEAD when out of nowhere comes the disembodied voice of Kathy's sister, the gal I like to call Rosiemodo and she is calling for Thereser's BLOOD! At this point even CEA looks like he's about to shit himself 'cause this place is getting all kinds of out of control. All we can hear (and see across the bottom of the screen in subtitles) is Rosiemodo screaming about how she's going to "FUCKING KILL THAT BITCH! SHE BETTER SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'M GONNA CUT HER FUCKING TONGUE OUT. I DON'T CARE IF I GO TO JAIL I'M GOING TO KILL THAT FUCKING BITCH!" Thereser looks at Kathy with her scrunched up, angry face and says: "Who the fuck is that?" Kathy looks back at Tre with HER angry face and says icily (thanks Danny): "You know who that is."

O.M.G. THIS. IS. AWESOME!!! We never see her except for a shadowy figure running around backstage that I'm guessing was Rosiemodo going bananas while she was screaming for Thereser's tongue. I refuse to wonder why she was miked, but, yeah,let's not spoil the allusion that this ia all somehow unrehearsed and unscripted.

I literally could not have asked for a more kick-ass Reunion Part One especially since there are TWO more Reunion episodes to come and in the previews for next week we see not only a beet-faced Rosiemodo out on the stage but Joey "The Ape" Gorga and Juicy Joe "Snaggletooth" Guidice facing off, shouting threats and obscenities at each other. Dag. Join me, won't you? Tune back here next week for the recap of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part Two. Later gators.