Saturday, September 27, 2014

RHONJ - Where's An Intracoastal Waterway Kraken When You Need One?

Welcome back to the ongoing saga of...what exactly? Overpaid buffoons making like they've got something of importance to say, when in reality they're just a bunch of...goombas. But I'll give it some more time because they keep teasing me with quick scenes from next week where the bozo boys get into it over The Gotti Rumor From Hell. But it turns out it's not fucking next week, its the WEEK AFTER NEXT. Those fuckers at Bravo better be careful with their endless teaser trailers because it's not like this is such a scintillating season and we're all gonna just hang around until they're ready to entertain us. Well, I am, of course, but I'm compulsive that way.

Anyhoo, Amber, as you might have guessed in spite of all the drama and dramatic editing:

"Yes, Amber, your blood work came back and it''s...." COMMERCIAL BREAK!

As if any fucking doctor talks that way. Christ folks, lets at least TRY to pull the wool over our eyes that this crazy fest is not TOTALLY scripted! So, as I was saying, as you might have guessed, Amber's blood work came back fine with no leftover "inconclusives" hanging over her Godiva-haired head. So, after shedding some much coached tears of joy, she and her lunatic husband Jim are off to Boca to hang with da goils and get all kinda crazy behind her good news health report. Good on you, Amber. I still think you're a mega annoyance. But that's just me...

Meanwhile in Boca we've got the twins, TeRESSa and Nicole, "I'm Hatin' On Her With A White Hot Intensity" Melissa the Gorgon, and my would be BFF, Dina. T politely declined wanting to stay back in Jersey with the fam, what with the federal indictments and all. Totes understand, babe. By the by, T is really all grown up this season, she's mature and together and just kinda chill. I'm waiting for the other Mahnolo to drop. This is our table-flipper after all.

The gals in Boca are cougaring it up with a Bravo-supplied pool boy whose only flaw, according to Nicole (or was it TeRESSa?) is that he's got nipple hair. Um, ewwww.. They find out ASAP that he's single which makes him perfect for our Dina who is also single and ready to mingle. But in her talking head confessional Dina tells us that she's not really into the whole cougar vibe...she's more into an older fella. Way to look out for that DSW sized shoe collection babe. That kind of purchasing fetish is not going to fund itself. My Dina's a smarty girl. After lazing at the pool and getting pretty hammered, and watching Melissa flaunt her, truth be told, pretty kick ass body after three kids, everyone decides that they're going to hang out tonight at the house, drink wine and make dinner togehter. Oh, and that flaunting I just mentioned? Melissa was cavorting, capering and otherwise jumping around like a grasshopper on acid, as boats motored by on what must be the Intracoastal Waterway. I kept chanting at the TV: just another couple of feet...just another couple of feet...I was totally pissed that she didn't fall in. Oh well, a bitch can hope.

Girls then went on over to the local supermarket to get all the fixings for their Eyetalian dinner in and honestly if those fucking twins said "WE NEED THE LONG HOT PEPPERS! YOU KNOW? THE LONG HOTS! YOU GOT ANY OF THOSE LONG HOT EYETALIAN PEPPERS? THE LONNNNNGGGG HOT ONES!" Of course just toting around an entire film crew wasn't attention grabbing enough. Even "I'm Hatin' On Her With A White Hot Intensity" Melissa The Gorgon, herself a shrill annoyance, was "SO OVER THEM!!" Yeah, Meliss, we know just how you feel..

There was one quick cut back to Joey the Ape "babysitting" the kids while Mom was whoring it up on the Intracoastal. Babysitting by Joey the Ape entails throwing his kids around...literally...and telling his seven year old daughter that he wasn't ready to "have The Talk" with her just yet. Oh, thank Christ, you moronic numbskull..SHE'S SEVEN!!! He also told us that once his daughter is old enough he's going to "break the Internet". Hmmmm....OK....presuming that your currrently seven year old daughter is going to become a porn addict is kinda creepy, no? But that's life with a man whose head is approximately the size of a billiard ball.

Okey dokey, following that throw away scene of mayhem we wind up WHERE??? In Casa Laurita with WHO???? Jacqueline and Kathy. What the What? Who the fuck invited them? True to her style, Kath's brought some calorie-laden, homemade goody for Jacqueline to sample. Delish, of course. Also? My prediction that Jac's love of plastic surgery has her on the fast track to becoming Big Ange is proving very insightful on behalf of The ABIB. In her talking head where Jacqueline is talking about...who the fuck knows..she's such a boring annoyance, plus I was transfixed by her ever-changing face which has now rendered her Asian. Fo rill, her eyes have been so pulled up that they have quite literally taken on the angle of Asian eyes. Anyway, Kath's come over to spill the news that she and Idiot In Chief Richie are building a new, BIGGER house in Franklin Lakes and that means she and the Lauritas are going to be neighbors! Kathy's evil plan to keep her grown kids at home forever (fuck, can you blame her, if they leave she's stuck with Idiot In Chief) is to build a house so huge that they each have their own WING! Yeah. Well, Jac's on the downsize train along with T and JJ, so Kathy's left out there in left field with her burgeoning new McMansion, which they visit even though its still just a shell and Jac's wearing 18 inch heels. Way to go ya fucking jackass.

We quickly rejoin the Boca Bitches and post-dinner they're outside just chillin' by "the tallest, skinniest palm tree" that Nicole or was it TeRESSa has ever seen. Then the producers get Dina all scripted out as she worries herself into a frenzy about how on earth she can keep this huge secret that T shared with her about how The Gotti Rumor From Hell is just too big to keep inside. Dina's determined to tell the secret but she can't tell, because...well, way back at the beginning of this post I told you all that Bravos got it on the tease for next week. For the last TWO weeks. So in the last 10 minutes of the show we're treated to Dina fretting should she tell, shouldn't she tell. She's been hinting at it since the bus ride in from the airport and the twins have openly stated that they don't wanna know. That don't matter because in the teaser we already know that Asshole From Outer Space Jim (of Jim and Amber) is going to shout out the news once the guys get there. Next week. Yeah, Bravo; fuck you!

So that's the latest except for T and her woes. I skipped over them cause frankly they're pretty boring. She's looking for a new, smaller house and JJ's in a suit. Nuff said. Stay tuned cause I'm pretty sure that this week's ep's gonna blow the lid on I Fucked My Monther-In-Law-Gate. Should be real, real, classy.

No comments: