RHONJ Recap: Bobby Emerges From the Bathroom Long Enough to Give Joey The Ape Mouth-to-Mouth...AKA He Kissed A Boy And He Liked It!

Well, the promised big reveal happened FINALLY on this week’s ep and frankly speaking it was completely blah. Jimmy The Asshole From Outer Space did the honors, loudly stating to an already tearful Nicole…or wait, was it TeRESSa? Anyway, Jimmy came out with it: HE FUCKED YOUR MOTHER! And actually, I was waiting for the Boca house to implode, or at least for JTA to commence a righteous beatdown of Jimmy for daring to invoke a mother…ANYONE’S mother in such a vile manner. But none of that happened. He loudly shared the dastardly rumor and everyone scattered. Melissa made a lame-ass grab for screen time with her fake outrage face. See, Meliss? That’s what too much Botox’ll do to you, dumbass; your face showed nothing, nada, zippo babe. Amber was SO upset with her Asshole From Outer Space that she went outside and HAD A CIGARETTE!! As if to increase the severity of what this meant Amber kept reminding everyone, and us, as she puffed away, that SHE IS A CANCER SURVIVOR! Oy, do these two noodnicks deserve each other or what? Anyway, she’s outside, she’s crying and smoking and crying and smoking and Dina, bless her heart, leans in and tells Amber how sorry she is that Amber is married to a dick. Attagirl, Dina; way to say what everyone is thinking. I think that it’s of critical importance here to stop and remind my readers that by this point in the evening EVERYONE was completely shitfaced and for some people that’s not a very good thing. Jimmy the Asshole From Outer Space? Not so much a nice drunk. Jimmy is kind of a mean drunk. But once they’re alone in their Boca bedroom he repeatedly tells Amber, and us in his talking head confessional, that he did it all for Amber. Uh, what? Yeah, that was our resident Alien’s rationale: these bitches had treated his girl so badly (cue the flashback on camera to the unfortunate hair-pulling incident involving Nicole and a hank of Amber’s hair left in a tangled heap on Bobby’s granite countertop), SO badly, that they deserved to be punished and if nothing else Jimmy is the one to mete that out. Hence his outta-the-gate-hate all evening.

Amber, finally appearing to have a semblance of awareness, is all like: WHAT? HUH? THAT MAKES NO SENSE! WHY? Jimmy the Asshole from Outer Space gets all kinda creepy quiet, lowering his voice and inching closer to Amber on the bed, offering to rub her feet. At that point Amber is struggling to keep from cracking up and it becomes clear that this is a totally scripted scene and I’m done. So the question I pose to Bravo is this: is Jimmy the Asshole From Outer Space as bad as all that or did you hand pick him (with an accompanying bump in salary) to serve as this season’s resident weirdo/motherfucker ala Teresa way back when, and/or Danielle? If so, he’s doing a decent job, although that last scene kinda blew his cover for me. So…

Back to the others and Nicole is packing her bags to leave THAT NIGHT! She cannot stay in this crazy house another minute so will be driving up to hang with potential real life motherfucker, and her husband, Rino five minutes away at “their home down here”. So, all this time Rino’s been five minutes away? Huh. Nicole tearfully begs her to reconsider in the morning, but, well, you know how it is with drunks: they gonna do what they gonna do especially if they’re already prone to be full blown drama queens. Which, actually, every single person in this house from Floridian hell is. So off she goes, taking the big black limo back to Rino when, truth be told, bitch probably could have walked. And frankly, tromping off on foot into the darkness, trailing her giant rolling suitcase behind her would have been way cooler. But that’s just me.

At some point in this melee we’re taken back to Jersey to connect with Jacqueline and Kathy who are having lunch at Jacqueline’s soon-to-be-sold McMansion in Franklin Lakes. Stilted, scripted conversation ensues over bites of, what else, salad, although at one point Kathy, probably thinking she wasn’t going to be on camera for a hot second, put a forkful of greenery into her mouth that would have choked an ox. The look on her face when she realized she WAS being recorded was so awful and in spite of that she managed to get all that stuff in and close her lips around it without even mussing her lipstick. What a trooper! Poor Kathy; I really do like her even though her taste in men is troubling to say the least.

Awkward plot-advancing dialogue follows wherein Kathy reminds Jacqueline for the 18 millionth time how wonderfully she’s been with Nick her autistic son which, again, call me the worst, but I’m SO FUCKING OVER the Nick storyline. Bravo at its clunkiest is when it tries to take an advocacy role to prove that all this exploitation is for the greater good. What with the scenes of Jacqueline’s kid and the cancer storyline over at Chez Amber. It just comes off as what it is: a network whose bread and butter is broadcasting one freak show after another trying to get us to believe that IT CARES. Just makes me want to say: shut up and bring on the dysfunction. If I wanted gratuitous pandering I’d watch the Jerry Lewis Telethon. .

Kathy’s lines give Jacqueline the chance to openly shill her upcoming appearances (with her husband) aimed at raising awareness amongst other couples of disabled children, of how much more challenging marriage under those circumstances can be and how to cope. Yeah, thanks Einstein; what advice are you going to give them? Here’s how to unburden your life and improve your marriage in spite of having the extra stress of a disabled child: be rich. Done and done. Jacqueline is such a putz. Jacqueline, of course, because it wouldn’t be an episode of RHONJ if she didn’t, cries on camera when she talks about her kid or was it when she was talking about missing out on being able to hover over T during these dark, lawsuit times in which she and JJ are embroiled. Truth be told she probably cried for both, sophomoric bitch. Oh, and in a flash to her date night with Chris “I Have An Armada’s Worth of Artillery In My Family Room” Laurita we get to hear him utter some of the most stilted scripted dialogue in…EVER. He tells us about their past and how they met and….I got up to get a glass of OJ, so there you go. Bottom line: since they’re poor now they, like T and JJ, are “downsizing” and it’s going to be sad to move out of their giant home and into a smaller one. Chris has all the feels. As if.

T and JJ are also out on a date night across the bridge in NYC having dinner and spending the night in a big, fancy hotel. T looks kinda worried the whole time, quietly expressing her concern that the whole set-up looks kind of “expensive”. At least one of them is thinking about the, oh, I don’t know, THE APPEARANCE on their part of some frugality, considering their current legal sitch. Which BTW, let’s just stop right here and acknowledge the news this week that both of them will be doing jail time. Kind of shocking that the judge is locking T up, but she is. So, I’m guessing that Andy Cohen is intermittently dancing a jig and looking appropriately somber as he considers the possibilities of exploiting IN REAL LIFE the whole Orange is the New Black vibe that is currently at the top of the A List. You bet he’s got folks working already with the New York State Office of Corrections to set up at least some film time for the next season of RHONJ on the inside with T. Last night was a special Watch What Happens Live with T and JJ that I’ll be blogging about just as soon as I can watch it. But at dinner across the river, JJ offers T a nice toast about being the luckiest guy in the world because he's married to her. Awwww...then he ruins it by announcing that the food here is so good he's getting a boner. Even without the oysters. You got a hotel room for the night, JJ, calm the fuck down; don't wanna peak too early if you know what I mean...wink, wink, nod, nod, say no more, say no more. Thanks, Monty Python.

Back to Boca. Next morning Jimmy the Asshole Alien is up bright and early making scrambled eggs for everyone who are like…uh….OK…didn’t we have a major kerfluffle up in here last night of which YOU, Mr. Eggs, were the chief perp? Melissa who as you all know by now I hate with a white hot intensity, comes shuffling into the kitchen wearing her giant dark glasses even though she’s indoors. Yeah, everyone was shit-fucking-faced last night and now they are all soooo hungooooover. Melissa sidles around Chef Jim and heads directly to the pool area where JTA is already applying the Hawaiian Tropic and shit talking with Nicole and Booby. Oh, sorry. Bobby. Amber comes out to eat her eggs and suddenly there’s a thunderclap of silence as everyone stops the hater-ama because they’re little passive aggressive wimps who can’t follow through on all their haterriffic shit. Everyone except for my girl Dina, who comes directly up to Amber and, in, I thought, a very straightforward and respectful way basically tells Amber that she and Jimmy have to get the fuck out. Now. No kidding; you guys have to go.

After a weak attempt at changing her mind (my Dina is implacable) Amber gets up and leads her crazy better half up to their Boca bedroom where she tearfully packs her things and huffily leaves. When last we see them Amber and Jimmy the Asshole From Outer Space are sitting on their bags, on the curb, waiting for the same black sedan that ferried Nicole back to her motherfucking husband the previous night. Amber is, what else, crying as she intones over and over, “those people are the worst”. Um, Amber? You’re ALL the worst. Except my Dina.

The Leftovers (Nicole, Bobby, Melissa and JTA) spend the day drinking like the alcoholics that they so clearly are, on a rented yacht as it cruises the Intracoastal Waterway. At one point, as Melissa disrobes down to her, frankly kinda covered up for her, bathing suit. JTA, already lazing in the hottub repeats over and over and over “Look at who I’m married to….this is why I love coming home every night…I come home to this….look at who I’m married to”. Jesus H. Christ ya fucking moron, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!! We GET IT!! YOU’RE STRAIGHT!! Oooopss…maybe not, though, as drunken horseplay ensues the two loaded dudes jump overboard, to the clear dismay of the boat’s captain, and proceed to splash around in the water, eventually swimming to “shore” where Bobby, he the “fireman” rolls JTA over onto his back and begins to administer “mouth to mouth”. Yeah, so that happened. I’ll say no more about it. Except this: "horseplay" between two dudes is NEVER not about that whole homoerotic subtext. Never.

The episode ends with a chef-prepared dinner back at the Boca house with all the remaining “friends”: Melissa and JTA, who manage to remind us that they’ve now fucked TWICE today…yeah, JTA, keep it up, brother. Ever hear the expression: “Methinks he doth protest too much”? Yeah, I didn’t think so, but trust me I’m pretty sure it applies to you, asshole. Nicole is there but Bobby is too hungover to come downstairs, that is until JTA pours water on his sleepy head and tickles his wittle feet. That gets him right up and down to the table. Of course Dina’s there, too. And who’s this driving up? Well, none other than wayward twin TeRESSa and her motherfucking husband, Rino, who regales the group, scoffing at the rumor, spread the night before about him and his MIL. Apparently, Rino’s Word of the Day calendar had “Outlandish” as that day’s word since he used it about 80 times to describe Jimmy Marchese, he of the Amber and Jimmy Against The World show.

So that’s this week’s recap, folks. The big reveal was kind of a bust but what the hey…we’ve got the budding bromance between JTA and Booby to look forward to. Stay tuned!