Monday, September 29, 2014

RHONJ This Week: Fan Boats, Gators and Man Bitches Hiding In Bathrooms

Yeah, but still no I-Slept-With-My-Mother-In-Law-Gate. I figure at this point Bravo's just fucking with us and they'll air it sometime around next Easter. Whatever...I've given up caring. EXCEPT I HAVEN'T, YOU FUCKERS AT BRAVO! Again with the end teaser trailer previewing next week and offering the false promise of a I-Fucked-My-Mother-In-Law-Gate-A-Palooza. Only difference being is that in this trailer we actually hear Asshole From Outer Space, Jim, shout the words "HE SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" So...maybe...NO! I refuse to be duped by Bravo for a third straight week. Christ ABIB, its not like you're going to stop watching. Truth.

So we rejoin the girls chilling in Boca, hanging out at a reptile ranch and falling in love with a baby gator born with no tail. Dina especially, she of the hairless cat and dog with no front legs, is charmed, crooning that she wants to take the little fella home. Until she remembers that he'll eventually eat her and her other pets. Not to mention a likely revenge-fueled rampage through her DSW sized shoe collection some of which HAVE to have originally been one reptile or another. Yeah, so no little tail-less alligator. Next the girls hop onto two fanboats for a fast trip through the swampy Everglades to spot some real gators in the wild. which they do and its kind of boring, frankly. They're just gators, in a swamp, floating. ZZZZZZZZZZZ The girls seem to like it though, screaming and waving their arms as another lackey shuttles them around and basically becomes a water taxi. At this point I'm pretty sure that these girls are always totally hammered, so even a bug-laden swamp is fun, fun, FUN cause they're drunk!

Back in Jersey the families Guidice and Wakile are loading up on fambly time, T, JJ and their girls over at JJ's bro's house, and the Wakiles over at Kathy's place listening to Rosie the Rivet Head prattle on and on about how she and Ellen broke up and she's sure that there's someone out there for her. Someone like her own mother, she pines, who is always at her side no matter what. The sentiment is kind of sweet until you realize that she's pairing the concept of her loyal mother and a future sexual partner/wife. Theeeennnnn it gets a little creepy. Even Rosie realizes what she's saying and laughs uncomfortably. Yeah, Rosie, we're right there with you. Let's not rule out nervous laughter, said Rachel Green, better than anyone ever. Everyone at the Guidice dinner table is crying, like every week someone is crying this season and this week it's JJ, his mother, T, JJ's old Dad, JJ's brotha...fuck it: everyone at the table is crying over all the sentimental crap everyone is intoning. Weekly lectures this season about IMPORTANT TOPICS! FORGIVENESS! DEVOTION TO FAMILY! VALUING WHATS IMPORTANT! OFFSHORE ACCOUNTS! GETTING A BETTER FUCKING CPA! Stuff like that. Also, we get another tearful visit to the Laurita's with Jacqueline-san and her crying over the kid. Oy, is this going to become a weekly event? Seriously? Who gives a shit? Sorry, I might be the only one here, but Jacqueline Laurita annoys the crap out of me.

Back in Boca shits starting to get real with the arrival of Amber and Asshole From Outer Space, jim. Either Jim's a really stupid,mean drunk or his role is scripted to the point of him nearly looking into the camera and twirling his mustache ala Snidely Whiplash. I mean, who talks like that? As soon as he and Amber sit down he starts to pick a fight with Nicole's boyfriend and Jim's ex-BFF, Bobbie. Bobbie listens for a hot second and then runs upstairs and locks himself in the bathroom after accusing Nicole, who in her 12-inch Jimmy Choos, is hobbling after him as fast as her wobbly legs will carry her. "You're so stupid!" Bobbie yells at Nicole who is quickly losing ground on him. He repeats that Mean Girl line about three more times and then locks himself in the bathroom. Yeah, I wondered the same thing, too: what grown man locks himself in the bathroom? Whatever, it prompts a rapid acceleration of the drama downstairs as one-by-one, starting with Amber all the girls run to the kitchen and start to cry. This mayhem makes zero sense even for a Bravo RH franchise so I figure it's very badly edited or the producers are just getting lazy with the scripts. Probably both. Soon Amber's crying, Nicole's crying, Jim's still cussing out every dude in the room, which at this point is only Joey The Ape. Melissa is shaking her head and looking distraught, running between the tear frenzy in the kitchen and JTA's side on the couch. Jim still won't shut up. That's what its like when you're an Asshole From Outer Space, the rules of our world just don't apply. Dina is trying to Namaste the hell out of Amber who WON'T STOP CRYING EVEN THOUGH THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. Amber and Jim def deserve each other. Meanwhile, as the episode draws to a close Jim is heard dissing ex bestie Bobbie with tales of his cheating by way of a condo he maintains with a ho on the side. THE ENTIRE TIME HE'S BEEN DATING NICOLE! She won't hear of it and TeRESSa jumps into protective twin mode, vowing in her talking head confessional: "You mess with my sister you mess with me! You hurt my family, I hurt you!" All we need is Kathy's canollis and Don Corleone and it's a wrap.

Joey the Ape weighs in by calling Jim a bitch. Good one JTA, pretty articulate of you. At this point in the show I was struck by the audacity of men who are wholly supported by their wives' participation in this three ring circus using derogatory terms for females to insult their fellow freeloading husbands/boyfriends. Pretty ironic, dontchathink? So the episode ends with Asshole from Outer Space Jim drunkenly crashing into a glass table on his way out to the pool to continue in his harangue of Bobbie who has finally emerged from the powder room, apparently having regained his composure. So there you have it, next week promises to continue the Brawl in Boca and I'm pretty sure that Rino's gonna convieniently show up just in time for the big I-Fucked-My-Mother-in-Law-Gate...not that I'm getting my hopes up; Bravo is a fickle, fickle temptress.

1 comment:

bonnie said...

Jim is a bitch... no 2 ways around that. And Joe the Ape turns out has a little sechel.(sp???) The Mother in law thing is just too stupid for words. And Bobby does not have enough of whatever it takes to have a condo and girl on the side. But all in all it is a lesson n how not to behave, and how not to live your life all the way around. So why do I watch it??? I am sure there is a some pathology to it...