The ABIB

The ABIB

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: A Penny For Your Tweets!

So in this, the penultimate episode of the season, we were treated to three story threads. I will categorize them as "maximally predictable and therefore boring", "most boring" and finally, "most spectacularly ridiculous". Let's begin with the one called boring, shall we?

Maximally Predictable and Therefore Boring Story Thread (and the only one that will presumably conclude in next week's season finale). All season we've been guided, by the Gorga/Guidice cavalcade of turmoil from Haterville at the start of the season, up to Happyville now that we're approaching season's end. Throughout that ride we've had to watch not one, but two, healing-our-problems-through-various-Bravo-sponsored-drek-disguised-as-legitimate-therapy getaways that finally resulted in the lovefest that was the Miraval Heal-A-Palooza. Yeah, everyone's happy and back in love with everyone else, but suspicious Melissa never quite gave up on the whole "I smell a rat and her name is Theresa" mess that started us out. Be that as it may, Melissa's been trying mightily to keep up appearances with the fambly and in so doing, has been dishing out lots of two-cheek air kisses and fake love for her in-laws and their offspring. Well this week her secret sleuthing has finally paid off because now she's got JSTA on board and honing in on some wierdo named Penny and her insistent trash-talking about Melissa's ongoing blowjob status with her ex-boyfriend. Penny's been a busy gal, what with her paid chats to every lowbrow rag that will listen to her. In fact, she's been so busy gossiping about the Gorgas that she's had to enlist the aid of a shadowy conspirator, namely her husband, who's been Tweeting overtime with every 140 character snippet he's fed by the vast Melissa-hating universe residing in North Jersey. Presumably this haterverse is presided over by none other than the sister-in-law from Hell, our little Thereser. Who is back in galpal love with boring-ass Jacqueline, also, oddly, the recent recipient of hate Tweets about her public appearances (can I get an amen!) and the validity of her kid's disability. Shit, up until that last part I was totes on board since, as you all know, I find Jacqueline a barely tolerable little ninny. Hells I could write some Tweets of my own. But the stuff with the kid, not so much. Just as an aside: Chris Laurita, he the owner of an entire cabinet of firearms of every conceiveable caliber, is pretty pissed off by this development and I gotta say: he's not the guy I'd want pissed off at me. Just sayin'. Anyhoooo....best buds again, T and Jacqueline stumble into Posche and Crack Hoe Kim D, the evil playa in all things Melissa-hating (and proprietor of Posche) greets them with the news that she's opening POSCHE 2!! WooooHoooo!!! More face time for Crack Hoe Kim, whose face is getting scarier and scarier and I'm now wondering if Bravo's makeup team have been instructed to kinda make her look like The Emperor from Star Wars on purpose just so we dummies don't miss that: SHE'S THE BAD GUY!!

Crack Hoe Kim tells the duo that she's inviting "all the girls" to the splashy opening of POSCHE 2, so, T should beware that Penny's gonna be there. Uh, oh...now that the Guidices and Gorgas are all lovey-dovey again this could present some uncomfortable problems for Thereser because, lets face it, who on earth doesn't know that she's been behind all the evil Tweeting and dirty deets on Melissa the Blow Job Queen. Of course, that was before she saw the light of fambly love get rekindled and all that. Thereser, being the behind the scenes troublemaker that she is, launches right in on distancing herself from Penny. "We aren't even FRIENDS!" Crack Hoe Kim can't even keep a straight face for the camera on that one so she just silently nods...yeah, Tre...everyone knows that! The night of the big POSCHE 2! opening party the shit starts to hit the fan when Penny comes stumbling in with, again Bravo must have done this to her on purpose, THE WORST hair extensions EVER! Also, super sweaty makeup. The whole gang, brought together by the drinking-drumming-horseshoe cleaning-zip line riding Heal-A-Palooza at Miraval, advances on Penny as a group. Dirty C actually looks like she's about to slug someone. Melissa straightaway demands "da troot" from Penny who immediately fingers Thereser as the "feeder of damning information in Chief" going so far as to show her texts from T directing Penny to be her third party Melissa attack dog. Thereser, sputtering, her eyes taking up half her face in faux astonishment, of couse denies EVERYTHING! What is it about these Posche events? You'd think that Melissa, at least would know by now that they're just going to turn into a drive-by assassination of her sterling integrity. Oh, wait! My bad. Bravo writes all this shit this way so...yeah. Accusations get flung! Denials result! And then Penny's shadowy partner in crime, her mystery Tweeter husband walks in and that's this ep's end of the storyline. But of course, we see in previews for next weeks finale the inevitable JSTA on everyone giant punches and wrestle moves and general mayhem...just like last year. Which leads us to the next storyline, THe Boringest.

The Most Boring Story Thread. The gigantic loser Manzo brothers finally manage to open their restaurant "Little Town" in Hoboken. Of course BLK, that genius business plan of selling bottled water that is...wait for it: BLACK...didn't quite pan out. In fact its tanked. Wow! Surprise there, right? Dirty C even fesses up on a voiceover that she's got high hopes for Little Town because BLK has become "a challenge". Yeah, Mama...way to cover. Anyhoo...it's opening night and the whole gang shows up to support Little Al Jr and his barely aware brother Chris. In fact from the camera shots it appears that they're the only people who show up. And the meatballs are still not right. Mom and Dad taste 'em and immediately pronounce them not ready for prime time. In her talking head immediately following, Dirty C takes it up a notch by stating that, her meatballs and gravy (NJ Italianese for tomato sauce) are way better. This little band of assholes start to eat each other when no one else is around to destroy. Chilling little family dynamic there at Chez Manzo. Yeah, also? The last couple of eps have given us exterior shots of the Manzo compound and those giant German Shepards are housed in a wire enclosure where they are constantly on screen barking ferociosly. Mob ties looking pretty locked in to this viewer. Bada Bing! So that was actually it for this segment which is why I've deemed it the most boring story thread of the night. Which brings us to the last and I've saved the best for last: The Most Spectacularly Ridiculous storyline of the night.

The Most Spectacularly Ridiculous Story Thread, wherein we are to believe that Melissa Gorga is going to launch a career as a pop singer well into her 30s, married and the mother of three small children. Well, maybe Biebs needs a babysitter for the road. Anyway, surely with Bravo's help, Meliss gets a sit-down with Johnny Wright, he of the Orlando-based boy band making fame, who promptly whisks her and JSTA off to his "compound" in Orlando wherein they will turn this way too old, piss poor "singer" into a recording artist. I'm talking Kim Zolciak piss-poor singer level. Even Johnny has an undisguisded smirk of derision, but Bravo's fronting the bill and he can use the publicity or something like that. So whenever Melissa is asked to sing acappella and on the spur of the moment she always comes up with some lame ass excuse like she's got a cold or her throat hurts or it's springtime on the planet Jupiter, but it doesn't matter what the fuck she SAYS is keeping her from being able to sing, fact of the matter is the bitch can't fucking sing, people. Like can't carry a tune can't sing, like misses notes all over the fucking place can't sing, like DOESN'T REALIZE SHE'S WAY OFF KEY can't sing. Which she shows us again, down in the Orlando studio when her vocal coach asks her to sing. Her own song. That she wrote. Just show me what you can do, he reasonably asks: sing for me. Don't need to tell you what came next but I will: epic fail. Oh, and Johnny and she met and he's got her set up for some performance at a local Top 40 radio station...the next day. Live in front of an audience. Almost certainly a Bravo-paid for shill audience, but an audience nonetheless. Right away she starts clearing her throat. Melissa is a major ass tool. Team Theresa looks better every week.

So the bitch utterly bombs with her vocal coach, can't stay on pitch on her own song and is making all kinds of excuses as to why. Um, Melissa? YOU CAN'T FUCKING SING, BITCH, THAT'S WHY! The vocal coach looks thoroughly disgusted but nuts up and plays his part anyway. Of course JSTA, ever in attendance when his angel is performing, is the only one in the whole fucking place that thinks he's married to the next big thing. Honestly, I know they say that love is blind but in the case of this 'roid case it's deaf and dumb, too. Next day, at the radio station, the shill crowd files in, oddly without a single smiling face. Until she gets up to sing, that is, and then, nearly in choreographed unison, everyone raises their phone to record this history-making performance. The launch of Melisa Gorga! Theresa hits it straight on in her talking head when she cattily smirks, "I'm proud of Melissa going after her dream to be a pop singer at her age, married and with three kids. I guess there's always a first time." Yeah, every now and then Tre gets a good zinger and hits the bullseye. Especially about Melissa. These two still so clearly hate each other's guts, all the big old fambly shit notwithstanding. So the performance goes forward, with backup dancers and all, and of course she sucks balls. I mean really sucks balls. She screeches, she misses note after note and she stomps around the stage like a fucking rhinoceros. But JSTA, standing his nearly-a-little-person self on a chair, screams and hoots and hollers in appreciation of his untalented darling. Poor, clueless JSTA. Johnny Wright says he can get her a slot on some bill for a concert next summer. The number 150,000 is repeated about a half dozen times. As in, there will be 150,000 in attendance. Johnny...brother...you can't ever buy back your reputation, no matter how much Bravo is paying you for this shit. Plus, she's gonna totes break your autotune equipment so I'd bill Bravo for that stuff up front.

Anyway, that little nugget concluded the episode but not before we see a sneak peak of next week's season finale. It's about what you'd expect from a RHONJ finale, especially one that takes place at a Posche event: punches will be thrown, screams will shatter glass and everybody's hair's gonna get messed up. Hopefully this time JSTA will have put some spray fix on that black shoe polish he uses on his little billiard ball noggin so at least all those posh Posche clothes don't get messed up. See you next week!

Sunday, September 15, 2013

The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Two! Two! Two Recaps In One!

So I'm gonna kinda punk out on this week's recap by adding in - at no additional charge to you - LAST WEEK'S recap! How about that? We begin - still - at Miraval, that healing camp for bored, rich first-worlders who just need to fucking HEAL PEOPLE! Well, our little rowdy band of revelers wrapped up their Heal-A-Palooza with the lamest "trust fall" I've ever seen. And that includes the drunken trust falls they did on their last night, in their last healing adventure, at the Adirondyke Mount-Ins. Yeah, this time they had to get all harnessed up, don their "don't crush your tiny skulls" helmets, and climb what looked to be a telephone pole circa 1945, with the tiny iron footholds and everything. Two at a time they scaled the heights (about 30 feet we are told) and hold on to each other as they take teeney-tiny steps along a wire. Clasped at the shoulders they are forced to lean into each other and slide along, usually no more than four or five steps before they step off and hang, harnessed, in mid-air only to be lowered to the dusty ground and congratulated by all the other trusters-in-waiting. Psssht. It was pretty stupid and I'm sure did nothing to actually build trust, which these silly exercises never do, anyway. So after the trust suspension bridge demonstration, everyone just headed back to their rooms to get ready to leave, but not before an evening of food and drank wherein everyone decided that the Guidices and the Gorgas needed to seriously bond together as a FAMILY to shut down all of the evil chatter, Twitter and otherwise, about Melissa's alleged blow jobs with her old boyfriend. Done and done. But not before JSTA flew into a completely unprovoked rage and threw his champagne glass smashing into the stone fireplace to the open astonishment of everyone. Melissa yanked him off screen but we can hear (and see in subtitles) the tongue lashing that she gives him offstage, several times calling him an idiot. Yeah, I'm predicting that Thereser will eventually be proved correct in that it's just a matter of time before Golddigger Melissa dumps her brotha for a richer dude. Really, really, really not feeling the love for Melissa these days.

Back in Joisey, the gang disperses into their respective lives: Thereser and Jacqueline are back in love, Katy has struck a deal with an event planner to help kick-start her cannolli biz, and Melissa is alternately reinvigorating her singing "career" and continuing to hunt down the source of the blow job rumors. Ahem...even though she pledged to stop doing that back at the Miraval final night Kumbaya "we're all one fambly" close out. Turns out the blk storyline is still alive - amazingly - since last we heard about it two of the three super loser Manzo kids, namely the boys Little Albie and Chris the Barely Cognizant, had seemingly washed their hands of the whole blk schtick and were focusing their monumentally loser-y business acumen on opening a New Jersey themed restaurant. Anyhoo, their Uncle The Bankroller - Chris Laurita - tells JSTA over a glass or 10 of vino, that blk is still alive and well but that it's "alot of work". In fact, it's SO alive and well that they're getting ready to have the blk imprimatur host some kind of sports themed charity event for autism. Basketball will be played! Blk will be shilled! Jacqueline Laurita will sob annoyingly as she struggles to deliver the keynote speech! Yeah, that last one really did happen and it was, as Jacqueline's appearances on screen always are, majorly B-O-R-I-N-G. FF button is my friend when it comes to Jacqueline. But you already knew that.

Kathy and her crew, laden with about 1,000 business cards, a big ol' poster and tons of cannollis, head into the Big Apple to make a sales pitch appearance at Dylan's Candy Bar a NYC biz owned by none other than Dylan Lauren, daughter of Ralph Lauren. Of course neither Dylan nor her father are anywhere in sight, but drama ensues anyway, as the Wakile family struggle to get their shit together and get the fuck out of Jersey and across the bridge. Once there, Kathy pitches a fit when none of her "personally invited" family or friends appear at the store to support her in this, the launch of her business. Not a one. King Douchebag calls them - ironically - "douchebags" and he lamely tells Kathy: "I'm here". Yeah you are KD, you are. Being the good egg that she is, Kath soldiers on and they all finally show the fuck up, but pretty late. No problem, Kathy the Doormat greets them with open arms and big smiles, thanking them profusely for coming out to support her. Poor Kathy.

Melissa and JSTA also make their way across the river into the big city to meet with Johnny Wright, music producer extraordinaire, to pitch him on repping Melissa. Yeah, Melissa who fucking can't sing her way out of a paper bag but who, nonetheless, is convinced that stardom is def in her future. I don't know who Bravo had to pay off to get this guy on the show but it's just as likely that, being the fame whore that he is - according to his Wikipedia entry - Mr. Wright was just looking for the free face time on air to pimp out his vast music production compound in Orlando. He proceeds to tell the Gorgas that if Melissa wants to be in the biz she's gonna have to jettison her family and COMMIT BITCH! He agrees to stop by Chez Gorga with some of his posse to check out her in-house studio and hear her attempt to sing one of his stable of writers' new songs. So, with the song writer and an A&R girl in tow, Mr. Wright appears at da Gorga crib and downstairs they all go. I don't think I need to tell you but I will: MELISSA CAN'T SING!!! She makes all kinds of fucked up excuses and insists that she hears distracting static in her headphones which nobody else can hear, but basically the bitch can't hit a single note straight. It's embarrassingly bad and everyone from the Wright Production House is clearly uncomfortable. Nevertheless, Mr. Johnny tells Melissa that she needs to come down to HIS production world in Orlando and let the Wright team work her over. Melisa looks way queasy but nods "yes". Enough of that storyline and for any of you that follow the Atlanta housewives, this plot line is exactly like Kim's foray into "singing".

Finally we get Melissa and JSTA - AGAIN - out for a date night dinner ("I love you in leather" JSTA purrs creepily) when who should Melissa spy with her little eye but the infamous PENNY up at the bar! Now Penny is the vehicle through which the blow job rumors have been surfacing but Melissa and JSTA want to know: WHO IS FEEDING YOU THIS INFORMATION PENNY? Three fucking guesses. Lovey dovey "we've all made up and are moving forward as a fambly" Thereser. DUN DUN DUN...! Um, is anyone ON EARTH suprised by this yawn-inducing "dramatic reveal"? Who DIDN'T see this coming? So next week's preview shows an outraged Thereser being confronted by Penny with Melissa and JSTA listening on avidly. Should be good, right? RIGHT? Anyway, it should be...well...something. See you next week!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

It's Just Horseshit, People!

Ladies and Gentlemen, this week was likely the lamest, most annoying episode EVER of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. We again join these miscreants at Miraval - the healing resort in the middle of the Arizona desert - and Heal-A-Palooza is still in full-blown healing mode. This week the gang is escorted out to the horse corral where a pretty dubious character, who introduces himself as Wyatt and self-identifies as a "therapist", welcomes the crew to the next level of True Confessions. For real. Wyatt explains that the horse standing beside him is especially attuned to "inauthenticity" and so one-by-one, they're going to have to come on up and try to clean some shit out of his front leg's horseshoe. Yeah, you read that right. Apparently this horsie don't play, ya'll. If you ain't bein' rill, he WILL NOT allow you to scrape shit out of his front left horseshoe. Okaaayyyy...now I have horse people in my immediate family and I'm pretty sure any one of them would call "bullshit" on this nonsense. But being that all of the RHONJ goombas are city slickers nobody's about to issue the challenge that would unmask Wyatt...if that's even his name. DUN DUN DUN.....First one up is Drunk Ass Rosie and pretty much immediately she starts to boo-hoo and Wyatt, being the "therapist" that he alleges, eggs her on with the aim of getting her "let it out". Apparently our Rosie has been playing second fiddle her whole life and has never felt like she matters or is worth much. Wyatt knows authenticity when he hears it and invites DAR to give the shit cleaning catharsis a whirl. Like magic, she slides her hand down the horsie's foreleg and right away he obliges her by lifting his hoof in the air so that she can scrape some shit out of the grooves in his horseshoe. Everyone is delighted, especially DAR, who, just moments ago was crying about some pretty fucking serious issues but is now magically all smiles because SHE GOT THE HORSE TO LIFT HIS HOOF! Hell, at this point I'M calling bullshit on this crap. But everyone is super happy for DAR as she returns to her seat, presumably cured of a lifetime's worth of low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness and all it took was five minutes with Wyatt and his wonder horse. Aaaamazing!

DAR is followed by her sister Kathy and King Douchebag and Wyatt tears KD a new one, calling him out on his use of "humor" to avoid feeling real feelings and for minimizing Kathy and ignoring her "voice". Throughout Wyatt's chastisement of KD, Kathy looks on silently with the ever-so-subtle look of "I told you so, motherfucker" playing across her face. Then her talking head basically says: "I told you so, motherfucker." Much love for poor, ignored Kathy. BTW, horsie let's Kath clean his hoof but won't budge for King Douchebag. Yeah, baby.

Next up: Melissa, who has elected to attend the horse corral stage show wearing what must have been her costume at the pole when the strip joint had "Western Theme Night". Basically her ass is barely covered by the mini, mini jeans shorts she's wearing with a crop top and cowboy boots. Make it rain, Melissa! She saucily sways up to Wyatt and his horse and he immediately calls her out as a big, old whore! HAH! I have to say I did love that part. He tells everyone that Melissa has just done the "whore stroll". Surprisingly JSTA doesn't haul off and level him. But whatever, there she is and of course immediately cops an attitude and won't give Wyatt a straight answer on anything. Evasive and looking way bored, Melissa is then invited to try and pass the shit scraping test which she summarily fails. Big time. Whatever, says Melissa, as she haughtily returns to her seat. JSTA came up next but he was just too scared of the horse to get close enought to pet him let along lean down and lift his hoof. Wyatt dismisses him straightaway. Next up is Jacqueline who, like Drunk Ass Rosie, is crying before she even gets up to Wyatt and his horse. But unlike Rosie, Jacqueline is ALWAYS fucking crying so...so what? Again she's going on and on about Thereser and...well, I've warned you all before in this blog, I canNOT remember what the hell Jacqueline says because she is BORING!! Next up is Thereser who takes one look at the horse and says: "Nope. Not gonna do it." And walks away. We are promptly shown a shot of JJ walking away from the crew as he makes a call. Uh oh, the Bravo dupesters want us to think: here goes Juicy Joe again, just like last year, calling some hoebag in the middle of a group outing. But NO! This year his call is to their kids and T walks away with him to join in the chat. For which they are chastised by Wyatt when they return to the group - he calls them out on using their cell during what is supposed to be a meaningful team activity. Obviously he's never met the Guidices because clearly they couldn't give a rats ass and make that abundantly clear.

Now it's time for Dirty C and Big Al SR. In her talking head segment DC has told us that she is TOTALLY into this exercise because she LOVES horses. Yay! So, up they go and Wyatt immediately is sympatico with both of them, telling them that their obvious love and devotion for each other is "a beautiful thing". Then out of nowhere he asks Big Al SR: "were you abused?" WHAT WHAT?? Hell, turns out he was and gets all teary-eyed telling the tale of his "difficult father who was pretty tough on him". Awkward throat clearing and eyes looking everywhere but at him...and that was just ME. So yeah, there was THAT.

Finally we get Juicy Joe who, with virtually zero prompting from Wyatt, offers up that he's kinda scurred about what's going to happen to him at his upcoming hearing for lying about getting a driver's license. Now, this was all filmed long before the most recent Guidice brush with the law which, far more serious than falsifying a driver's license, is all about defrauding multiple banks and other financial institutions and could actually get his ass deported back to Italia! But for this show he was all worried about having to go to jail and his kids growing up without their Daddy for a few years and EVERYONE was SHOCKED! SHOCKED! That Juicy Joe came clean with his worries about this stuff. JSTA even devoted his talking head segment to giving JJ serious props for being so honest. Which I found hilarious in light of recent events. I mean, honest? Not so much.

And that concluded the Wyatt and his magically sensitive horse segment. We are next treated to Thereser and JJ alone with their vino in their private hot tub having a heart-to-heart about the upcoming legal entanglements. I pretty much couldn't get past T's seriously ugly G-string, sparkle bikini. At what age do those become just not cool? I'm guessing somewhere around, like 30? Not a good look, T.

As evening falls the gang heads over to some group lodge food and drinks hang-out but on the way are stopped mid-path by some dude in full American Indian war regalia who enlists them in some serious drumming. Everyone joins in as he encourages them to all get in the same drumming rhythm so that it sounds like a "giant heartbeat that will heal the world", Now, that's just plain goofy. They all drum for about three minutes and then he bids them a fond goodnight. Finally the episode ends in a typical RHONJ eating and drinking extravaganza wherein Thereser and Jacqueline break away from the crowd and repledge their love to one another and restart their friendship by throwing some paper into the firepit and scraping the bottoms of each other's shoes. There you have it, folks. The preview for next week shows some kind of drunken shouting match which I'm guessing is heralding the approach of this season's end. Tune in next week to find out what trifle they decide to drunk-fight about next!