Sunday, September 30, 2012

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Season Finale Recap - Uncle Poodle Brings the Sass

Hey ya'll, it looks like HCHBB (or just HBB for short) has been given an extension by TLC, the Victorian freak show network that hosts it. TLC also hosts fan favorites like Hoarders: Buried Alive and Breaking Amish. Anyway, TLC has bought more EPs extending into next year and will be airing spayshals themed around Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Could we be lucky enough to get a "roadkill" Christmas? I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

The EP starts with a family photo shoot which is, like just about every other outdoor activity in HCHBB, sweaty and plagued by trillions of gnats. And sneezing. Mama June is positively unable to stop sneezing in this EP. So, yeah, they hire a pro to take some family photos and everyone, save Mama June, is clamoring over some dirty-ass rocks to get down to the edge of some body of water since the lady with the camera says it's the best backdrop. What seems like two and a half hours later they all get down and cop a squat, each one on their own rock. Except for Mama June who is no way gonna climb down that slope. I'm thinking that's a good call, Mama June. Know thyself, sister, know thyself. So, again, everyone's super hot and sweaty, the bugs are eating them alive and the photographer looks about ready to jump into the nearby body of water because, honestly the look on her face says, "no money's worth this". They finally get some snaps with Smoochie grimacing her way to a "smile" (isn't smiling on cue pretty much the bread and butter of beauty pageant contestants? Just sayin'...) and then, back up the rocky slope, they take a bunch more with Mama June in 'em. So there was that.

One piece of news in this mid-season finale is that the pregnant sister finally had BABY KAITLYN amid much hoohah and drama. She had it pretty fast, though for a first baby. Must be those spayshal biscuits ("they just look like a Hardee's breakfast biscuit") that Mama June and all her girls have. Baby Kaitlyn came out and she's got an extra thumb on one hand so one of her 79 aunties proudly gave her her very first "high six". OK, then. Mama June was quick to turn that could-be lemon into lemonade by unequivocally stating that Baby Kaitlyn was perfect just as she was and then went on to get all philosophical on our asses what with the whole "beauty comes from inside" shtick. Uh, Mama June? You do know that you have immersed your seven-year-old daughter into a world whose sole currency is physical beauty, right? Yeah, well, lets just let that one go. So they brought the baby home and Alana was positively in triple orbit, considering she's usually in some level of orbit just from the residual effects of the Go-Go Juice. What exactly IS the half-life of Red Bull and Mountain Dew in the body of a seven-year-old? Discuss and get back to me.

So the baby's home and everyone's clamoring to feed her and change her and get up in the middle of the night with her. Enjoy it while you can, sister number 79, 'cause pretty soon now the novelty of that shit's gonna wear off and then she's all yours, babe! But now it's time to FOCUS because Mama June has entered HBB in the Miss Sparkle and Shine pageant in just TWO DAYS! So Smoochie's gotta get packed and ready but most importantly she's gotta get herself a routine with which to wow the judge's table. Who better to call in for this SASS emergency than Sugar Bear's youngest brother Lee, who HBB calls "Uncle Poodle". Why does she call him Uncle Poodle? Because Lee is gay and HBB calls all gay men Poodles. Alana fondly tells the camera: Ain't nothin' wrong with being a little gay, everyone's a little gay. And Mama June's blase take on the whole thing: He's got a little fruit in his tank, what can I say? Refreshingly it's a non-issue with Smoochie and the fam.

Uncle Poodle and HBB head on outside to work up some super sassy moves and Uncle Poodle tries to get HBB to add a cartwheel to the mix but HBB just can't manage it. So what we end up seeing is a routine much like all the others in which HBB basically swaggers back and forth shaking her booty, wagging her finger saucily and tilting her head to maximize the sassified quotient. Hell, in the preview we saw one Miss Sparkle and Shine pageanteer contorting into a pretzel and sticking her tongue out at the judges. Shit, Smoochie's tarted up swagger's gotta be better than THAT! Redneckognize!

Next day they all pile into some SUV or other but are delayed while sister 78 scrapes dogshit off her shoe which she stepped in and the cameraman makes sure we see exactly where it still is. Yay! Over at the pageant there's a slight problem when, come to find out, HBB's been chowin' down on too many of them chicken nuggets and now her pageant dress won't close. Uh-oh. We see a frantic search for a "safety pin...a BIG one!" and a closeup of someone lacing HBB into her dress like some kind of little corset. Well...not so little. Finally, laced and pinned and glued into her dress, with her first big-ass wig and her glitzy make-up and her FALSE TEETH, Smoochie's ready to go out there and WIN! Step back with me if you will to the whole FALSE TEETH part. I was like: Oh, hells no; you do NOT make this child wear prosthetic teeth out there! But sho nuff they do. And upon closer inspection it looks like all the little pageant princesses are sportin' major grill work. I know...I know...Hey ABIB: considering there are elementary school girls prancing around in wigs and make-up elaborate enough to make your average drag queen jealous, and who are wearing everything from full-on ball gowns to a mini-Gypsy Rose Lee costume, you draw the line at false teeth? I hear you.

Anyway, finally tressed and fake-tanned and made-up within an inch of her life with her chubby little bod cinched into her pink show gown, Smoochie makes her debut onto the Miss Sparkle and Shine stage. She shakes her booty for all it's worth and all those extra chicken nuggets are forgotten as we watch HBB become...well...Honey Boo Boo. Mama June is trying to keep her vocalizations on the down low at the advice of the LAST pageant judges, but nobody said nothin' about her face. She grimaces and grins and positively mimes for Alana exactly what her own little face is supposed to be doing every moment she's struttin' the stage. Next is the swimsuit portion of the competition (YES! they do have a swimsuit portion of the competition in this CHILD'S beauty pageant). Alana gets to cavort around in her brand new, super sparkly, super blue bathing suit and yet ANOTHER wig from the Tammy Faye Bakker collection, but with the same fake teeth. OK, OK, I'll let the teeth thing go.

The judges seemed entertained by Smoochie but we never really know if that's for the benefit of the TLC cameras that are following her every move or if they really do like our little sparkplug. Finally, after a typically agonizing wait, the Miss Sparkle and Shine crown goes to...someone else! But wait! There's a People's Choice Award yet to be crowned. We'll never know if this People's Choice Award is something that the Miss Sparkle and Shine pageant organizers ginned up at the last minute because, well, it's the season finale pageant and TLC is paying a decent sum of money for this show and Honey Boo Boo has to win SOMETHING, right? Again: ABIB THIS is where you draw the line? Whether or not there's a People's Choice Award in a CHILD'S BEAUTY PAGEANT? I hear you.

HBB is over the moon and Mama June and the 80 sisters rush the stage to congratulate her, but the camera is more interested in what's approaching from the BACK of the room. Sugar Bear and Uncle Poodle are bringing up a "big surprise" for Alana to include in the glow of her win. None other than Glitzy the Pig arrives to share in HBB's glory and everyone is so excited to see Glitzy again! Well, HBB and her 800 family members, that is; everyone else appears to be kind of grossed out, truth be told.

The last few moments of the EP are devoted to everyone rehashing how great the summer's been and recounting all of the wonderful moments that we've shared, from The Redneck Olympics to the big fireworks display to Christmas in July to Glitzy "ooooing herself" on the kitchen table. TLC, I'm seeing this show as super-ripe for a Clorox Wipes endorsement! You don't have to thank me.

Well that's it for this portion of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo! Now that TLC has announced the show's extension, I'll be back recapping as soon as they're back on the air. Until then: you better Redneckognize!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

RHONJ Recap: Bitch Set Me Up

Hilariously lifting from the Marion Barry school of poetic pronouncements, this week's Real Housewives of New Jersey Season Finale went all outraged on us and swapped out a crack pipe for a stripper's pole. Because the whole flap that had played out at LAST season's RHONJ reunion episode was the subject of this week's show. At that lucious scream-fest marshmallow soft Jacquine had taken the vapors and was unable to show up to the reunion taping at all' Instead she relied on Caroline "I shave my face every morning and my husband loves it" (she actually said that in an earlier season EP) to deliver her regrets and explain to cross-eyed Andy exactly why she was unable to be there. And now we know why. Namely that all the housewives and two of the husbands are now convinced that Thereser set up hated sis-in-law Melissa to be outed and subsequently shamed into divorce proceedings from Joey "The Ape" Gorga her supposedly hoodwinked brotha. Thereser at her table-flipping craziest, albeit in the world of internecine mind games rather than the world of macha brute-force intimidation.

We join the housewives and, annoyingly, Lauren "Meg Griffin" Manzo across the river from the Garden State, in New Yahk at some surely mob-owned (judging from the number of no-neck, gigantic black-clad guidos sheparding folks out of the place when the shit went down) eatery/club called Son Cubano. Son Cubano, which a quick Google search reveals as being in "West New York". Um...what?

Anyhoo, we entered the EP already suspicious of Thereser since we saw her in last week's EP being introduced to a friend of frenemy Kim D whose name was Angelo. Angelo needs dental work stat and his bald head gives him a seriously creepy Howie-Mandel-as-a-meth-head vibe. Thereser and Kim D are getting their hair and make-up done presumably for the upcoming Posche fashion show when Angelo lets the polecat out of the bag and tells Thereser that he knows Melissa and that, in fact, she worked at his bar as a dancer. Oh, wait, what I think he said is "she danced for me". Now needing to take a shower after hearing that particular turn of phrase, I watch as the camera pans to Kim D who has a look on her face that says: "I eat puppies, kittens and babies for breakfast". Clearly something is cookin' and I'm totally PSYCHED to find out what.

At the fashion show in West New York (again, what?), the gals are enjoying their dranks and salads at Son Cubano when who should stroll up on cue but Meth Head Howie and with his shit-eating grin he's clearly up to something. What I want to know is how much Thereser had to pay him to provide this service to her. Considering she and Guido Joe are in receivership on everything except their children, I'm guessing it was a lap dance or an "end of year special" coupon for the local Franklin Lakes dental practice. Because, as we learned last season, Thereser has lots of Jewish friends. Not that I'm saying that all dentists are Jewish but...well...that's exactly what I'm saying.

So Meth Head Howie saunters up and says "hello" to everyone but shines a special, icky-teeth-baring smile directly at Melissa, asking her if she remembers him. Melissa, presumably still in the dark about this plan of Thereser's offers him a big, bright smile and says, well, not too much. But she does nod her head in agreement as if to say: "let me pretend to know who this asshat is and maybe he'll just go away." For the record, Kathy Wakile thought he was hitting on Melissa. Poor Kathy. A few minutes later she actually acknowledges how outside of the loop she is concerning why all of her dinner partners are furiously texting each other. "I'll just eat my salad", says poor, un-looped-in Kathy, "its a good salad."

Meth Head Howie has now done his dirty deed, by giving Thereser entree into whisking Melissa to the ladies room, ("Dames" is written on the door which is, for some unfathomable reason of great interest to the camera operator, who keeps returning to the framed shot of the "Dames" door). In the unoccupied ladies room, well, unoccupied save for the lighting guy, the camera man, the sound man, Thereser and Melissa, Thereser proceeds to tell Melissa that her heart is "going 500" again. Even makes Melissa put her hand on her chest to hear the fluttering 500 heart. Melissa, being the good sport, puts her hand on Thereser's chest and then agrees that, yes, she can feel Thereser's heart pounding. Anything to get her to stop with the "my heart's pounding can you feel it? Can you? CAN YOU?".

I gotta be honest with you, here's where the show lost me a little bit. I can't tell if Thereser is just trying to get a rise out of Melissa or if she's trying to get Melissa to actually admit out loud that she was a pole dancer at Meth Head Howie's "gentlemen's club" (his words not mine...ick). Either way, Melissa is having none of it and denies 110% that she ever danced anywhere, least of all at scuzzy Meth Head Howie's strip club. She did cop to being a "bar tender for like a week" and that it wasn't a strip club it was a "bikini bar" where "you serve old men drinks and they give you $100." Um......OK? And anyway, Melissa says, she just doesn't care what this fucker thinks. Thereser keeps pushing, insisting that Melissa HAS TO CARE, that in fact, Melissa has to CONFRONT Meth Head Howie since he's spreading such horrible lies about her. I mean, Thereser is OUTRAGED that this goon is going around telling everyone that Melissa is a putana. Which, oddly, is EXACTLY what Thereser has made her life's work for at least the last two seasons of RHONJ. As Melissa says in her talking head moment: "Something's not adding up." Christ, who writes this drek for these ladies?

Now Melissa is beginning to get really annoyed with Thereser and is waking up to the notion that, well, maybe Thereser herself was a part of this whole "let's expose Melissa for the little ho bag that she is so I can finally rid my life of her copycat, whorish ways once and for all." So what does she do? She calls Joey "The Ape" and whines to him about how some jackass is harassing her and that she doesn't really feel comfortable confronting him since her husband's not with her. OMG, Melissa...really? Now, I realize that none of the ladies on this show, hell none of the PEOPLE on this show are Rhodes scholars but sakes alive Melissa, your husband engaged in a fist fight with a family member at his own kid's christening! Should you really be inciting him to head on down to a BAR to confront some guy who you've just told him is going around calling his wife a stripper? Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, our little pole dancer The Divine Mrs G. She recovers quickly, though, because when Joey "The Ape" announces over the phone that "he's coming right over there", our little stripper has a change of heart as, presumably, she realizes that this might not be the best plan. To no avail she tries mightily to stuff that genie back into that little bottle, but Joey "The Ape" don't hear NOTHIN' when his wife's rep is being drug tru da mud! "You won't even dance for ME!" we hear Joey "The Ape" exclaim.

Well, Thereser gets wind of this development and FREAKS OUT! Holy shit, my crazy-ass roid-case of a brotha is heading over here with the intent to break in half one Meth Head Howie and probably get sent to JAIL...does she finally realize the folly of her meddling ways? Hells to the NO, folks! This is Thereser we're talking about here, she, of course MAKES IT MELISSA'S FAULT! I told her not to call my brotha! She's going to get him sent to JAIL FOR SURE! What a stitch she is, our little simian-browed cookbook magnate. Meanwhile, while all this has been going down in the "Dames" room, the table full of NJ housewives and Lauren "Meg Griffin" have been furiously texting each other and the snitch friend of Jacqueline's who is the anonymous source for all of this drama fuel, having overheard the entire conversation between Meth Head Howie and, um, some other person, about how he's been tagged to "bring Melissa down". Kathy is still blissfully eating her "good salad".

Following the break we find that the action has moved to the street outside of Son Cubano where, lo and behold, who should come down to crash the Posche party but Joey "The Ape" and Kathy's Lebanese husband, who is sporting the biggest, doucheiest Ralph Lauren logo on the front of his polo shirt, that I have ever seen. In so doing he has cemented his place as the number one tool in the veritable sea of tools that populate this show. Joey "The Ape" is wearing a knit cap over his unusually tiny head and is sportin' his guns exposed by the tightest, blackest T-shirt available for purchase in whatever guido/wigger clothing store he clearly frequents. Joey "The Ape" wades into the crowd bellowing to whoever will acknowledge him that he's looking for whatever guy disrespected his wife. Awwww...that's sweet Joey "The Ape", your'e here to beat someone to a bloody pulp just to prove how much you love your wife. Unfortunately Angelo has flown the coop, which Melissa tells her husband as soon as she catches up to him. Yeah, I'm thinking spending a few weeks in traction in the local NJ general hospital wasn't covered by the hit money (again, or lap dance) that Thereser paid him to lower the boom on her arch enemy.

Not that easily thwarted, Joey "The Ape" demands that some guy standing at the entrance to Son Cubano text Meth Head Howie. To do what, exactly, Joey "The Ape"? Alert him that you insist he return to the club so that he can face your righteous, guido anger fueled by the 'roids that you're pumping day and night? Yeah, I'm not seeing that happening. Inexplicably what I AM seeing happening is the cameras returning to Son Cubano's interior so that we can watch Thereser having drinks with her brother-in-law and apparent doppelganger for his brother Joe "Snaggletooth" Guidice. Huh? Bravo: this is connected to tonight's story thread how? They even do a split screen comparison of what appears to be the side shot that's taken as part of a series of angles for your typical mug shot. Long story short, Bravo shows us arrest photos of the Guidice boys to prove that they look exactly alike. Um, not so much. And again, what are we doing back inside Son Cubano when the action is clearly outside?

Once he realized that Meth Head Howie wasn't coming back, Joey "The Ape" just started cussing out people, staring with Kim D, calling her a "drunk fucking whore" and telling her to just "go snort another line". Suddenly the street was filled with people, including the po-po, Thereser was frantically spinning the story to deflect the blame from herself and at one point, actually uttered these words to Jacqueline: "have you ever considered that someone is SETTING ME UP? Maybe it's YOU!" Jacqueline at this point looks like she can no longer recall her own name. Her face is an empty blank and she spends alot of time staring into space. It's actully much like the ploy she tried when Thereser and Caroline were throwing down on the California trip. There she pretended to be asleep with her head in Melissa's lap, (didn't fool anyone ya whiny-ass bitch) but since she's standing on a busy street this time she assumes the demeanor of someone who has been hypnotized to believe that they are a blank sheet of paper.

Names are called! Threats are issued! From the darkened safety of the passenger seat in her husband's giant, black SUV, Melissa coaches Joey "The Ape" on how best to shout out the window and diss his sister as they drive away. For the record it's "say SHAME ON YOU! SHAME!" Uh, OK. We actually hear Caroline announce, from off camera, that she's about to have a heart attack. Miss "life is short I have no time for drama" has inserted herself directly in the middle of this Guidice/Gorga extravaganza of I HATE YOU/I HATE YOU MORE and now appears to be ready to pay for it with an MI. Go home, Caroline, you have more on your plate than this wacko-on-wacko craziness: your daughter is a hopeless loser, your older son can't hold a job (but luckily he CAN hold a man), and your youngest is a full-blown idiot.

The EP ends, as all Housewives season finales do, with a few epilogue style recaps on what's up with the cast. Thereser has published another wildly popular cookbook and everyone hates her; Caroline has not spoken to Thereser since the Son Cubano debacle but on the bright side Lauren "Meg Griffin" has lost 35 pounds thanks to LAP BAND surgery (nice original spin on the product placement, Bravo, you're actually getting paid to shill for a surgical procedure!) and her store "Cafface" is doing well, Albie has broken up with the mute cheerleader (ya think?), and Christopher is...actually not mentioned. Probably for the best; I can't imagine that Chris is doing much of anything other than diddling himself and speaking in tongues. Kathy Wakile's daughter, as predicted in this blog, has decided to stay at Mom and Dad's and attend some kind of "school" in NJ, Kathy achieved her "dream" and is now selling her cannollis at some retail emporium (way to keep the life expectations nice and low, Kath) and Kathy has recently begun to communicate again with Thereser, via text message. Joey "The Ape" and Melissa are trying to sell their house for $3.2M to enable them to move and get away from Thereser, Melissa's song which is called...actually who gives a fuck what it's called, made it to number four on iTunes. Finally, Jacqueline's relationship with Ashley has never been better, likely because Ash lives in LA and they only communicate through text and Skype, also, Jacqueline's still crying on camera, so, yeah, nothing new with her.

Well, that's it for this recap. There will be another one next week after, actually what looks to be a fucking kick-ass RHONJ reunion! The clips show Thereser looking like her head is actually about to spin around and she calls someone (my money's on Caroline) an "old hag"! YEAH! That's the dealy-o, folks; come on back next week for more RHONJ fun, fun, fun!

Friday, September 21, 2012

Recap: The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Here's the latest shit going down on RHONJ:

Thereser is still yapping about "moving forward" with her brother, the little monkey aka Joe Gorga. I'd put money down on one of Thereser and Joe's parents being an ape. She's clearly got the simian hairline as evidence and Joe Gorga actually IS an ape for real. They've done a good job teaching him to talk, though. Some day, if he practices really hard, he might be able to talk as good as Koko. He's still got a problem with exposing his genitals in public but at least he's stopped throwing his own feces.

Anyhooooo....Joe Guidice, Thereser's "husband" is still skulking around their foreclosed McMansion, alternately phone-fucking his mistress while on vacation with his wife and an entire Bravo TV film crew and ironing his own guido silk shirts in his upstairs bedroom. Also doing drunken somersaults on their marble floor and cracking one of his fucking teeth off. Of course, Thereser's response to catching him outright mid-phone fuck is to Hop On Pop right there in the grape arbor. Again, while on vacation with the 300 others that trail around after them 24/7. As Sheree would say: "Classy."

Speaking of Joey the Ape Gorga, his wife and Thereser's hated sis-in-law Melissa is hot on the heels of a fabulous career as a lip-synching poser. And for a former pole dancer from South Jersey that's pretty good. I love how these Bravo shows dig up some obscure "celebrity" personalities and trot them out as if we won't notice and say: "the fuck?" Case in point: Melissa Gorga's singing impresario and voice coach, some guy who has his own music promotion/production gig called "Soul Diggaz". Again, the fuck? I'm thinking that this schmo and his "Soul Diggaz" beats were emptying ashtrays and scrubbing out the portable toilets on some D lister's used-ass tour bus. Like Boyz 2 Men circa 1998's luggage dude. Anyway, he's now got a deal with Bravo to act the part of Melissa's promoter and be in the direct glare of Joey the Ape's stink eye every time he arrives at Castle Gorga for a music session. Hey Soul Diggaz: 1999 called, it wants its hip hop slang back.

Speaking of Melissa Gorga, I've considered the possibility that she and Thereser, like the evil turban-wearing dude in the first Harry Potter movie, actually share a head with each of them getting to look out of one side. Case in point: Thereser's hairline nearly touches the bridge of her nose, while Melissa's is waaaaayyy back near the top of her big ass ears. So I'm thinking that when it's Thereser's turn to have the head she shimmies the hairline down too far so that when she turns around and we see Melissa, too much forehead is exposed. Just a thought...discuss amongst yourselves.

Moving on to the Manzo/Laurita households. Caroline, whose tagline is "life is short, I have no time for drama", continues to stir the pot feverishly, getting everyone, but mostly herself, in a state of perpetual agitation about Thereser's bitchy zingers in her latest cookbook while using all of her talking head opportunities to bitch out Thereser with every epithet short of calling her the anti-Christ. Caroline, you have no time for anything BUT drama, my darling. Speaking of drama: can we PUHLEEEEZE be done with the Albie/Christopher/Lauren "Meg Griffin" Manzo filler shit? Every time one of Caroline's kids is on the screen I want to throw my TV out the window. WHO GIVES A FUCK!? Albie is making headway in his career with BLK (he and his Uncle Chris have decided to market black water...yes, you read that right: black water, which they call BLK, tagline: BLK is the new Black) and now the dead-eyed, non-speaking cheerleader girlfriend is going to get him all fahrklempt and make him forget his career and Lauren is getting fatter and fatter and trying the raw egg diet and throwing shit fits and slamming doors and crying when her brothers and her mother laugh their asses off about what an annoying fattie she is...and Gregg Bennett the gay roommate who is Albie's ACTUAL love interest so Mama Caroline: stop worrying your dyed red head about the beard "girlfriend" derailing your genius' career, he's doing fine, thank you very much with Gregg and his pink tutu-clad teacup Yorkie living large in Hoboken, NJ. Did I get it all with the Manzo kids? Because I'm fucking SICK of them and their boring little non-HOUSEWIFE lives! Sheesh...where's some crazy Danielle when we need her?

Kathy Wakile and her Lebanese, gas station mogul husband are touring college campuses with their daughter who wants to go to...drumroll, please...the University of Maryland at College Park! So there was a little hometown shout-out in the last EP where we were treated to some footage of the UMD campus and their tiny dorms and Kathy's freakishly huge eyes getting all glassy at the thought of her baby moving so far away. I wanted to tell her: not to worry, Kath...there's no way your kid is getting into UMD, at least not the one we've been watching on RHONJ this season. Relax, she'll be lucky to get into the local community college so you'll have her safe and sound in her giant, professionally decorated bedroom for years to come. And this week again I breathe a sigh of relief that we had another RHONJ EP without an appearance by Kathy's bizarro sister Quasimodo. Whew!

Chris and Jacqueline Laurita update: Jacqueline is still crying. About everything. Nuff said and zzzzzzzzzzzz. In the run-up to the season finale (a season which seems to have gone on for eight years) we see Thereser hyperventilating when she hears the news that her sis-in-law used to be an exotic dancer at some guy's club who her evil frenemy Kim G or D or Z...I can't remember except that she owns a store that she named Posche, as in Posh but with a "c" and an "e"....introduced her to. Thereser telling everyone that she can't talk about her FAMILY! That she doesn't want to hear bad things about her FAMILY! That her heart is pounding at the thought of hearing bad things about her FAMILY! All lies, BTW. Thereser positively LIVES to get this kind of juicy dirt on the evil little whore who stole her ape brother from her. Stay tuned, kiddies; it's about to get all kinds of pazzesco up in here.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Recap In A Flash X Two

Here's what you missed on "Mama June and Everyone Else" last Wednesday:

Mama June is a great cook according to Sugar Bear and on the show last week we got definitive proof that Sugar Bear is not fucking kidding, folks. Here's the 411 on MJ's mad magic skillz in the kitchen:

Mama June's Secret Family Recipe for Sketti

Put some pink slime-looking "meat" of some kind in a skillet.

Appear to fry pink slime-looking "meat".

Cook some sketti.

Throw some of that sketti at the wall to make sure it's done...throw as much as you want, in fact, just because it's fun to throw food.

Leave it there.

Remove double coupon-special size Country Crock margarine from fridge.

Scoop out approximately two heaping cups of Country Crock margarine and put it in a vaguely microwave safe looking container.

Remove double coupon-special size generic ketchup (likely catsup, actually) from fridge.

Squirt approximately two heaping cups of ketchup/catsup into the microwave safe container. On top of the Country Crock margarine. Stick container in microwave and turn it on.

Dump out cooked sketti into colander in sink; leave it there. Wait for microwave to ding.

Upon hearing microwave ding remove microwave container and stir together the now melted/separated/heated up Country Crock margarine/ketchup/catsup "sauce". Try your best to minimize the level of oil/solids separation that you'll encounter in the microwaved Country Crock margarine. Because it's...margarine.

Scream for the fam and let 'em serve themselves directly from the colander of sketti and, now I see it, old Country Crock container of Mama June's Secret Family Sauce.

Ignore the pink slime "meat" that had been frying in the skillet as it was clearly edited out of the EP.

Praise to the skies Sugar Bear's ability to shut out any prior experience of food that he has eaten as you watch him, and Honey Boo Boo and her 80 sisters scarf down something that most of us wouldn't feed to a homeless person.

It's Country Crock margarine and KETCHUP, people!

Here's what you missed on "Mama June and Everyone Else" yesterday:

Mama June decides to try to put on Honey Boo Boo's pageant make up but does a crappy job because she "can't see too good". Which makes me try to recall if I've ever seen Mama June drive on the show. Hmmm...TLC: the network that brings you vehicular homicide. Because Hoarders: Buried Alive is just not edgy enough.

Next we see that Miss Georgia 2011 is not too proud to appear with Honey Boo Boo and Mama June in a random boutique, appear to shop and watch HBB crash around the store and blow on things. Then sit down to a plate of several pieces of what? Cake? Anyway, one with pineapple. HBB doesn't like pineapple apparently so she takes it out of her mouth and puts it back on an uneaten piece of cake. Which will now remain uneaten, although, wait, Mama June is there so, maybe not. And then comment on Honey Boo Boo's poor table manners evidenced by HBB copping to a fart at the table. Of course, in her talking head segment Miss Georgia 2011 can't stop laughing about HBB's fart, proving that even prissy-ass Miss America contestants from Georgia are gross-out humor hicks at heart who "can't believe that I said fart on TV". Bitch, please.

Mama June takes the girls to the local Bingo parlor/old folks home for some of what she calls her favorite "sport", next to extreme couponing: a thrilling night of Bingo! There appear to be approximately eight other people at Bingo night which bodes well for Mama June's assertion that she's going to win the cool grand in the weekly Bingo jackpot. Because the "big pageant is next week" and they don't have enough money. Because, Mama June tells us, "pageants are expensive". Except it takes her a few tries to get it out. Whatevs. MJ and the girls play what looks to be about 30 Bingo cards and they still don't win. What's worse, the old lady way in the back who DOES win is declared by Honey Boo Boo to be a cheater. "She CHEATED Mama! She's a CHEATER!" Alrighty then!

At Honey Boo Boo's seventh birthday party extravaganza Mama June can't climb up a Slip N Slide because she "has no upper body strength". Huh. Sugar Bear thinks it's because she's scared. One of the 80 sisters thinks it's because of her forklift foot. That and gravity. That one gets my vote. Anyway, it drives poor Mama June directly back to the Sno Cone truck where she drowns her shame in another Coconut/Almond Sno Cone swearing that it's her last one and that she won't bother the anonymous Sno Cone vendor anymore that day. Girl I so get that. Can I just say again that I love me some Mama June? The 80 sisters raid Mama June's apocalypse bunker of foodstuffs to get some free shit for HBB's birthday gift because none of them have any money. So they wrap up what appears to be a five gallon plastic bottle of hot sauce and some fuzzed out stuff that looks vaguely like a Pop Tarts box. And liquid soap.

Finally Honey Boo Boo sneezes out two huge boogers, one from each nostril and appears to begin to dispose of them in a way that even I couldn't bear to watch but probably was right up there with Mama June's sketti recipe on the appetizing scale.

Ladies and gents, that's The ABIB's recap for this week. Tune back here next week for the recap of the Season One Finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo! Redneckognize!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

ABIB's New Reality TV Recap Bonus Feature!

Hello to my three readers! Just a heads-up that I will now be adding a weekly Reality TV Recap feature to this blog because, well...because I WANT TO. Right now I figure I'll be recapping the two shows I already watch on a regular (read: every episode, and no, I'm not proud) basis: The Real Housewives of New Jersey and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo!. Considering that both of these are minimally at mid-season by now (is reality TV seasonal like regular TV?) I'll likely be expanding to include whatever drek I choose to watch in replacement of these two. Stay tuned.