Monday, February 18, 2013

Porsha is Purturd, Kandi's Prayed Up and Phaedra's Got a G-String Problem - Welcome to the Next RHOA Recap

So when we last checked in with the very classy ladies in Atlanta, Phaedra and Kenya were locking horns over the rights to the Best Booty Work Out Video that money could buy! And considering the size of both of their asses it was shaping up to be a very large, very bootylicious tangle. Of course, being that this is the Real Housewives of Atlanta, or anywhere for that matter, it was, in the words of Shakespere: All Sound and Fury, Signifying Nothing. Really, ABIB? You're going to quote Shakespere up in here? But seriously, all it came down to was Kenya showing up at Nene's Shoedazzle shoe coming out party pretty much nekkid. She showed up in a replica of a seriously horrific bathing suit? stripper outfit? spring 2012 hooker ready-to-wear? that Phaedra wore at some point in this endless show's past that was constructed of black mesh and nothing else. Oh, wait! Kenya also had stuck a couple of butt pads on each of her ass cheeks to, I guess, emphasize her already out there ASSets. Whaddya think? OK, no more.

She sashayed into the Shoedazzle event with Miss Lawrence as her wing gal wearing nothing but the black mesh grocery store string bag and a gigantic, floppy hat. Word was that she was pretending to be Phaedra "I'm a Southern Belle; Brains, Booty and All Business" Parks in order to ironically spoof Phaedra's claim to be ASScendant (Really? No more?) in the Booty Brawl. Of course she ended up looking like an escaped mental patient in serious need of some boob tape, 'cause her girls were swingin' ya'll! But Kenya was not to be deterred by anything as incidental as side-boob exposure; she was there to show her outrage about Phaedra's back street whisperings regarding Kenya's alleged issues with the drank and bipolar tendencies. 'Cause you know, in addition to having the biggest ASS (or is it BEING the biggest ass) in Atlanta and never, ever shutting the fuck up about it, Phaedra is also now an expert on diagnosing mental health issues amongst her peers. Kenya sat her butt-padded, bare ass down (let's hope the Shoedazzle folks paid for some serious clean up following this event) and proceeded to issue proclamations of "SHAME ON YOU, PHAEDRA! SHAME ON YOU!" Phaedra, throughout Kenya's tirade of SHAME! continued to insist that she had said nothing behind Kenya's back (basically that she is a mentally unstable alcoholic) that she had not said to her face. At this I have to say that, considering what a terrible person Phaedra is, the bitch was probably speaking the truth.

But after the Shoedazzle Showdown we blessedly have not heard any more about booties or videos or nothing related. And let's hope that continues, but I know it won't simply because her giant ass is the only thing that Phaedra Parks has to talk about and the season's barely half over.

Next we learn that Cynthia, in order to raise awareness of her Bailey Modeling Agency and hopefully sucker some mothers into signing their kids up for modeling school, is throwing a beauty pageant for young women, who are, I want to say somewhere between birth and 25? Anyway, Cynthia has hired the best pageant thrower in the South, and I swear it was Karen Walker's arch nemesis, Beverly Leslie! He was there to get Cynthia into the spirit of pageanting! Big halls! Gigantic Sparkly Tiaras! Sashes! Yeah, so there was that. Cynthia, because the Bravo producers wrote it that way, has asked Porsha to help her in this new endeavor because Porsha brings with her some kind of imprimatur of some kind of A-List Atlanta family and Cynthia needs all the publicity she can get. Problem is that Porsha doesn't want to really do anything, because frankly she doesn't know HOW to do anything except be Cordell Stewart's child-wife. Super icky. But wait! There IS something that Porsha wants to do for Cynthia's wonder pageant besides add her family's esteemed name to the proceedings: she wants to SING! According to Porsha she's got a voice that's a Mary J. Blige, Beyonce, and Rhianna congloberation. No folks, that is not a typo; Porsha's voice is, by her own description, a CONGLOBERATION of those amazing singers. Why she isn't already signed to a major label with that kind of vocal power is an affront to music, I'd say. A CONGLOBERATION. 'Nuff said. Cynthia is skeptical but agrees; if that's what it takes to get Porsha to show up, well, hell, she can do a number. Unfortunately when Cynthia asks Porsha to do an ad-hoc demonstration of these monster pipes, our girl clams up. She's got a scratchy throat right now, but def another time! Yeah; we hear you Mar-Once-Anna; we hear you. Cynthia ends up dismissing her ass from the proceedings once she realizes that, not only is Porsha not going to sing (because, as we finally hear, she CAN'T sing) but Porsha is unable or unwilling, or both, to actually DO ANYTHING to help Cynthia and her pageant. At this turn of events Porsha tells the camera that she is "very PURTURD at Cynthia; very, very PURTURD." Yeah, the turd part's about right, hon.

Next we turn to Kandi who is back in the studio after a many month hiatus based on LOVE and MOVING INTO HER NEW CRIB and LOVE. But anyway, she's back and ready to record a, drum-roll please: Gospel Track! Say what? You gonna push that EP on the Kandi-Koated Nights Sexy Talk podcast or on the Bedroom Kandi Sexy Toy webstore? 'Cause girl, you know what? You a SEX TOY entrepreneur now and gospel music doesn't really fit the Bedroom-Kandi-Koated brand. Bedroom-Kandi-Koated Prayer? Bedroom-Kandi-Koated Heaven? Anyway, she's getting ready to record a gospel track she wrote and is all kinda excited that some gospel singer that I guarantee NOBODY watching the show has ever heard of, has agreed to record with her. Bully, babe; but you know what? YOU'RE A SEX TOY ENTREPRENEUR! Kandi, being the savvy business woman that she is, quickly assures the viewers that her shit is seriously popular amongst the churchy crowd. Yes, brothas and sistas: she has sold OUT of certain, shall we say, intimate appliances, to the wives of deacons and bishops and whatnot. So, yeah, bitches; if Kandi wants to sing gospel and shill dildos well, I guess she's preaching to the choir, as it were. So we get to hear the scratch recording of Kandi's gospel sound and see her Dad, with whom she's had a somewhat distant relationship since her folks divorced when she was very young, get all teary-eyed listening to his SEX TOY ENTREPRENEUR daughter sing about her spayshal relationship to the lord. Daddy wipes his eyes and tells her that her Grandfather, who was a Bishop at "The Holiness Church" is smiling in his grave. Smiling in his grave. Really, Daddy? That's super, super creepy and frankly kinda scary. Next from Bravo: "The Real Zombies of Atlanta".

Moving on to lunch with Porsha and HER Daddy. Oh, wait; that's Cordell, her husband; I keep forgetting since he orders her food and tells the waiter to "bring her a wine" even though Porsha has just ordered herself a Sprite. Porsha and her Daddy/Husband are disagreeing about the baby that she wants to have because obviously Creepy Ass Cordell wants to make his young wife a prisoner (earlier we saw her tell Cynthia that she and the "Bailey Boys" couldn't come to Chez Stewart because Cordell has to meet in person and approve anyone who sets foot in their home and he's out of town. Shortly thereafter she proceeded, on camera, to check in with her jailer, er, husband, by phone and assure him that nobody is about to set foot in their place). Porsha wants to hire a Nanny once the baby is born but Cordell won't hear of it, citing her request as proof that she is clearly not ready to be a mother because as we all know, once you have a baby that's it, bitch. Every diaper, every meal, every bath, everyTHING that has to do with that kid is YOUR JOB! I'm watching this and vocally advising Porsha to RUN, BITCH, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Finally it's the day of Cynthia's pageant which now has an official name: The Bailey Agency Renaissance Pageant 2012. All the signage displays a gigantic photo of Cynthia so I'm wondering if she's already just gone ahead and named herself the winner in advance. In spite of their troubled past, Cynthia has invited Kenya to be a judge at her pageant and Kenya shows up, decked to the nines, in her Miss USA sash, doing the slow pageant wave and making like this is actually all for her benefit. Bitch, take a seat. Cynthia is all kinds of excited because she has gotten a super-famous actor to serve as her MC: none other than Boris Kudjoe. Um, who the fuck is Boris Kudjoe? I actually had to Google him and, no surprise, he's kind of a washed up ex-model, and bit part actor. Good looking though, but totally fucks up anything he's tasked with doing as the pageant MC. Like reading. Or saying the correct names as the young girls strut the catwalk. Awkward. Well, they muddle through and announce the winner and she FREAKS OUT and the camera cuts to Kenya and she looks really sad which is really...sad. Poor Kenya, her Miss USA sash isn't even visible on camera at her hidden judge's seat. But she puts on a brave face and everyone crowds around Cynthia, even old-ass Uncle Ben, and congratulates her on pulling off the pageant. And, hey, what a surprise: Phaedra manages to get in yet another in a seemingly endless string of references to HER OWN ASS, when she complains that her G-string is biting her in the booty. STFU, Phaedra. Just PLEASE S.T.F.U. already.

So next week we see the girls are getting ready to head out to visit Nene in LA and then on to Las Vegas. Should be good; Bravo found the one place on earth even more garish than these ladies themselves: Las Fucking Vegas. Bring it! And leave it to my girl Nene to close the EP with one of her signature quips: "These girls better not come out to Los Angeles and show their asses. That would be a problem for me." Sorry, Nenes but that's exactly what we're all hoping for. See you next week!