Tuesday, December 10, 2013

RHOA Recap Dish Times Two!

ABIB here bringing you two weeks worth of Atlanta goodness. Our ladies have been busy bringing the drama, the crazy and in one uber-creepy case, the embalming fluid. One by one here we go:

Phaedra is giving her inarticulate blockhead of a husband, Apollo, the silent treatment for exchanging skeevy texts with Kenya and then lying about it. Also, her whole "Phaedra Queen of the Dead" shtick has taken on a whole new color as she's prepping, in Alabama for some inexplicable reason, for her mortuary license...or degree...or whatever they give to those fucking weirdos. In her talking head segments she's wearing an Elvira get up that would give the House of Usher the creeps. Basically I've never been able to stand Phaedra and now it seems that my aversion has been deserved. Phaedra's a bizarro and this season's favorite Phaedra word is "formaldehyde". Feh.

Nene is in re-jiggered newlywed bliss with Grigg and is basically taking every opportunity to remind us that she's still hanging by a thread to fame via her one remaining Ryan Murphy TV credit, Glee. But I love me some Nene, so she can prance around in her Manolos and platinum weave and just be her ghetto faboolus self. Big mwah to Neens.

Cynthia had fibroids and Uncle Ben was way concerned because that meant they weren't fucking anymore. That old, ugly-ass, good for nothing dick is a useless sack of shit. But Cynthia loves her old man and so she tells him that she's sorry he's had to endure her crabby moods and lack of desire to be fucked, but THATS what happens when you have a few cantaloupes fighting for space in your uterus. Fucking Uncle Ben. So she goes under the knife and he reminds her that he's gonna be looking forward to some good Uncle Ben sex ASAP. He tells her this in surgical recovery. I'm planning a Kickstarter page to raise money for a hit on Uncle Ben. Who's with me? Also, they actually try to make a storyline out of Cynthia's 13 year old daughter Noelle's new boyfriend, Arthur. Has the meet and greet with the 'rents and everything. Cynthia's life must be really boring right now if this qualifies as a story thread. Guess there's no G List Atlanta fashion shows to be produced by The Bailey Agency this year.

I won't even dignify the Porsha whine-a-thon with coverage except to say that Porsha is a spoiled BAP and her mother needs to immediately stop wearing sleeveless tops. Like fo rill, babe; with upper arms roughly the size of a missile silo bare is not a good look. Not. A. Good. Look.

Kenya is...Kenya. Which means shes embroiled in some trifling high drama bullshit with some landlord and well...yadda yadda yadda... Kenya's typical twirly-crazy-everyone's jealous of me-brand of certifiable gonzo bullshit. That plus she's talking about some mysterious African lover man who makes her feel like a queen. Yeah, K, that's why you're sexting with that blockhead, Apollo.

The winner so far this season for Top Crazytown Express has got to be Kandi and her Momma. Whoah! Kandi's Momma DO NOT like fiancee Todd nor Kandi's bestie and burns up ALL her screen time going all evil-eyed, "I'm gonna poison your food and work a root on your ass" whenever either of those two are in her presence. Kandi's at a loss because I get the impression that this batshit behavior is nothing new for her Momma Dearest. At the wedding dress store Momma gets to taking off her shoes and waving them around in a threatening, "I'm gonna fuck you up" kinda way at the girlfriend. Or wait...maybe Momma actually said "I'm gonna fuck you up" to the girlfriend. Either way I'm thinking Kandi's Momma should probs be tested for Alzheimer's or something. Also, Kandi needs to invest in a personal shopper right away. Between the ugly t-shirts and desperately shoehorning her into several wedding dresses, Kandi's looking pretty, pretty, pretty rough around the edges. At a minimum someone needs to tell her that her days of shopping at Forever 21 are about 50 pounds behind her. No pun intended.

So that's the latest scoop with our bitches in the ATL. Come back next week for more ABIB recap love!