Friday, October 29, 2010

Guys, (and Frighteningly, Some Gals) Can We Tawk?

OK, I've begun this post by specifically CHOOSING to be gender biased. This blog post is almost exclusively aimed at da mens among us. Although I reference gals in the title of this post, I have to say here and now that if you are indeed a female and you suffer from the topic of this post it may be time to just go ahead and have that X/Y matchup done. Fer real, yo.

So, guys, can we tawk (as the title inquires) about a scourge to humanity that is almost (I say ALMOST for a reason) as repulsive as the dreaded skidmark? I'm talking here about...GAG....fucking EAR HAIR!! Yes, you know what I mean...those sickening tufts it really hair?...that are poking out of your ear canal? For the love of everything that is sacred can you...PLEASE...JUST...DEAL...WITH...IT?!?!

I mean, what's up with this mess? You get up in the AM, you shower (prayerfully), you brush your teeth (beseeching you all to do this AT LEAST daily, if not for your own oral hygiene then for those that have to deal with the resulting death breath of not brushing) AND FLOSSING WHILE WE'RE AT IT, and you...oh, I don't know...SHAVE? Comb your hair? What I'm getting at here guys, the common thread that's uniting the beginning of this tirade, is that you have ample MIRROR TIME EVERY FUCKING DAY!!

As in, you're gazing at your own reflection and not recoiling in horror once you get a good, solid look. So, you're in front of a mirror and in spite of every decent opportunity you fucking don't notice the incipient thatch of wheat emerging from your ear canal. WHEAT MOTHERFUCKERS!! And sometimes that wheat is holding onto some absolutely terrifying...I can't say it...earwax? So, um, it's the equivalent of ignoring a giant zit or a coldsore or a WEN in the middle of your fucking mug. All together now: eeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!

I mean, what's the deal with ear hair anyway? Is this some long lost holdover from the pleistocene era when gnats the size of tissue boxes were divebombing our heads? Was the purpose of those ear tufts to keep those fuckers out? Or was it to keep the ol' ear canal warm during those long, cold winters spent inventing fire and the wheel? If so, CLUE UP BITCHES! Them days is long gone! We've had Mr. Schick and Mr. Gillette and Mr. Ronson around for fucking DECADES! They have been creating products to take care of this problem since who knows when? I mean, really, exactly how long has human civilization had the razor? A long, long, loooooooooooooong time, my friends. A long ass time.

So come on, a bitch out wouldja? Trim that unsightly troll-ass looking forest from your ears and spare all of us the indignity of having to openly avert our eyes whenever we're stuck having to look at your sorry ass. Those tissue box gnats have been gone for millions of years but your ears are still stuck in that earwax-laden, follicularly challenged past. Really? Grab a set of shears and DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE! The ABIB has spoken; don't make me come at you with a hedgetrimmer!