Hello again, Happy New Year and all that crap. As can be seen from this post's title, today's venomous spleen-letting has all to do with drivers ( I HATE THEM ALL) who back into parking spaces. First of all, what the fuck is wrong with driving straight into a parking space in the first place? The two little white lines, like the runway lights of the driving world, show you exactly where either side of your car is supposed to be. You just look, and you fucking park. Front end first. Couldn't be simpler. But oh HELL'S NO, some assholes just have to make EVERYTHING complicated, don't they? They have to SHOW OFF to the rest of us that their ability to crane their fucking necks around like the green vomit girl in "The Exorcist" is somehow something that we all wish we could do. It literally makes no sense. For one thing, it HAS to be way more trouble than just parking straight in. You have to position the car rear-end first, you have to crane your neck around with or without your arm rakishly hooked over the passenger headrest, and you have to reverse into the spot. Funny, we don't fucking DRIVE backwards, we don't fucking WALK backwards, so why all of a sudden do these fuckwads have to PARK backwards? Are there really that many quick getaways needed in the typical driver's day?
"I'm parking backwards here at this local Starbucks because at any given time I have to be able to rocket out of my parking spot in order to evade the M3 goons who trail me 24/7."
No, I'll tell you why: because they're fucking show-offs, that's why.
Somehow I've always gotten the impression that anyone who would take the trouble to back into a perfectly good drive-straight-in parking space, has something pathetic to prove. Because let's face it folks, if your ego is teetering on the brink of whether or not you can show up other drivers with your outstanding rear-end-first parking skills, may I suggest something you might have overlooked: we don't GIVE A RAT'S ASS!
Whenever I see one of these bozos getting ready to park next to me in this bewildering manner, I always start a slow burn, figuring it's just a matter of time before their "excellent" rear-view mirror skills begin to atrophy and they miscalculate by a few inches thus plowing into my vehicle. So I sit there and wait as they size up the distance, mentally calculating just how to manuever, in reverse, that tiny trajectory that the rest of us just fucking drive into and call it a day. I watch as their reverse lights come on, telling me "here I come mere mortal; watch and envy as I do BACKWARDS what you can only muster the regular way." I watch, in fact, until the stupid fucker turns his/her car off and, smug-stupid-ass expression on their face, meanders over to whatever place of business has drawn their backward-parking ass self to it's doors.
I think I'm going to get little business cards printed up that I can leave under the windshield wiper of every backasswards parking dorkward I encounter. One set will be pink and the other blue. The blue ones will say:
"Congratulations on parking backwards today. Sorry your dick's so small."
The pink ones will say:
"Congratulations on parking backwards today. Sorry your ass is so huge. And/or you're so fugly."
I mean someone's gotta bring these morons down a notch or two, right? And who better than The ABIB herself? As I always say, righteous anger's a fulltime job, kids and I'm out there bringin' it for you every, single day. You're welcome.