Fuckers Who Walk and Text
Here he comes! Outta the way! He will crash face first into you before he relinquishes eye contact with his phone. Hey, moron: are you issuing landing instructions for the Space Shuttle? Are you describing the steps in real time for open heart surgery? Are you in the process of securing the launch codes for the Red Phone? No? Then LOOK AWAY FROM YOUR PHONE WHILE YOU’RE WALKING, NIMROD! The ABIB kicks off this episode of Shit that Annoys The ABIB with “Fuckers Who Walk and Text”. You’ve seen them; they’re everywhere. Walking down the street, exiting an elevator, grocery shopping, ordering coffee and never, ever for one motherfucking second do they look up from the critically important movie times, message about who’s going to the movies or checking out their Twitter feed. It’s an epidemic of electronic navel-gazing jackassery that is, frankly, taking over our planet. Don’t you want to grab that fucking phone out of their hands and toss it under an oncoming bus? The ABIB does. In fact, The ABIB has fantasies of crashing into one of them head first and making enough of an impact that their fucking phone goes flying, preferably into a body of water or under an 18-wheeler. That would be outstanding, right? The look of shock followed immediately by utter dismay as they watch their precious phone get sucked under some destructive force, vaporizing for all time that essential message thread about Mary’s shoes or Alan’s latest sushi place discovery. The best part would be The ABIB’s own sorry-not-sorry frowny face: Whoops! My goodness, guess I wasn’t looking where I was going, was I? Dipshit.
Motorcycle Engine Revving
Three words on this one: Cocktail Weenie Dick.
One Word Facebook Status Updates
Yeah, I could go on…but you get the picture. These are relegated largely to young women for whom there is no amount of attention that is enough. So rather than be grownups and actually reach out for support or input or a willing ear (likely dwindling), they resort to these manipulative one word utterances aimed at comments like: What’s wrong? Are you OK? Having a bad day? These well-meaning but hapless suckers get drawn into the 25-year-old-middle-school-drama-queen’s angst, willingly submitting to her need for both attention and control. Her one or two word missives ensure that she remains in control why? Well, because people need to ASK HER for further information so that they can formulate appropriately sympathetic responses. Even more aggravating is that many times these fragile little witches get a ton of “likes” which means that lots and lots of people are actually paying attention, always a bad idea: don't encourage them, you cretins. Yes, those likes seem to say: tell us more you mysterious, tragic figure! We’re waiting with baited breath to hear the next chapter of your monosyllabic sound bites. Me? I’m The ABIB so I’m generally concocting succinct responses to these annoyingly whiny fuckers. Fearful of wrongful prosecution I never actually USE any of them…but they sure are fun to think about.
The ABIB: Mouthful of bad spooge?
The ABIB: Jump!
The ABIB: About time!
The ABIB: STFU
The Facebook Humble Brag
A close cousin to these annoying one-word FB status updates is the ever-enraging humblebrag, itself a FB status update staple of idiots everywhere. I’ve seen them a million times (at least it seems that way) and each and every time I want to reach through the computer screen and bitch slap the self-aggrandizing asshat. Also, these fuckers are chronic overusers of the ever-annoying emoji. Here’s a sample:
Oh my gosh! I am so exhausted! Between the awards banquet last night and the show rehearsal all afternoon I’m beat. Off for a nap, I’ve got dinner with the husband tonight! Not enough hours in the day! (sigh)(sleepyface)(bug-eyed surprised face)(three different hearts)
What’s up with my director? How am I supposed to learn ALL THESE LINES by tomorrow night? Sleep? What’s that?(angry face)(shoulder shrug)(sleepy face)(winky face)
I am SO busy at work that I do NOT have time to breathe! I mean, are there NO other people that can do all of these jobs? Looks like no…. (frowny face)(sigh)
(fuck face...The ABIB wishes)
You get the idea. These are people who want you to know how delightfully beleaguered they are, stressed by all of this tiresome opportunity and exposure! The ABIB actually has a single response to every humble bragger on FB no matter what they are humble bragging about: Hey motherfucker: drop dead! I know, I know The ABIB says out loud what everyone else only thinks. You’re welcome.