Thursday, January 22, 2015

Thoughts on THOTs: Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap

Hellleerrrrrr!! The ABIB has woken from her holiday-induced sugar miasma - hey! BACK OFF - MLK day counts - and is ready to re-engage with ya'll on the RHOA scoop. A few housekeeping items first:

NENE LEAKES DONE LEFT THE BUILDING! OK, readers, you three know me to be a staunch Nene Leakes fan. Hell, I even bought her book. Ironically, of course. ...crickets... But seriously, I have been in Camp Nene since the Kim and Sheree days. But sista is all kinds of out of order this season. Not one to rest on her laurels, Ms. Leakes has successfully brushed off her sweet but cancelled gig in The New Normal and has gone on to...ahem...other things. Namely, a live sex show masquerading as a Cirque De Soleil in Vegas and, shockingly, a short run on BROADWAY as the Wicked Stepmother in Cinderella. Now I give my girl her due props, she does have her fair share (and most of Grig's, as well) of big 'ol lady balls but Nene better be building a prayer shrine in her home to whoever her agent is. That boy (he appears as a disembodied voice on her cell in one EP to tell her about the Cinderella gig) is some kind of fucking magician. He got A REAL HOUSEWIVES D-LIST REALITY STAR onto a legit Broadway stage. I know; I was up in NYC at the time and saw the fucking marquee. So serious shout-out to Nene's agent. But anyway, apparently all this crazy good fortune has gone to the already swelled head of Ms. Leakes and is feeding the fuck out of NayNay who lives in there and is kept in abeyance by all of Nene's good vibes and success. Yeah, right; not so much. Never the most erudite out of a gang of un-erudite wannabes, Nene has gone off the reservation this season with the patented finger point/wag, the patented shout-down, and the patented "I'm rich, bitch...very rich...Trump rich" brag. She has drunk the Koolaid, bought her own press and is fully convinced that any minute now she'll be in a three-way bidding war with Spielberg, Lucas and Abrams and the decider will be which of them will give her top billing over some lady named Streep. Actually, now that I think of it, Nene would be great in the new Star Wars. Wouldn't even need to do a whole heckuva lot in the way of hair and makeup. Which brings me to:

Can. We. Talk. On second thought, no discussion can adequately cover what is happening on this woman's head in this photo. And let me just say that this wig has been on her head for the past three episodes, so, it's like, she THINKS IT LOOKS GOOD! Also? The five o'clock shadow? What up with that? Nene, as rich as you say you are, and have said, like 1,245 times, GURL, get yourself to a laser skin care center and get that...whatever it is...gone! Also, fire your wig person because they clearly DON'T LIKE YOU! If you need further proof:

What is that marcelled monstrosity that is sitting on top of her head? I mean I know that it's cool that you can tell its a wig; heck that's the whole point, to be able to have some fun and change up your hair at a moment's notice. I get it. But seriously, shouldn't it actually LOOK LIKE HAIR? Yeah, well, Nene, if you're reading this which is like crazy but not entirely impossible since I hashtag the shit out of the link up on Twitter, but pulllleeeezzzeee girl, rethink the hair, rethink the makeup, unless this is all a part of a diabolical plan to get that aforementioned call from JJ?

Onward to the rest of the R-HOE-As. See how I did that? Yeah? Alright, ABIB, calm down. As insufferable as Nene has become her heels are being closely nipped by two little attack rats by the names of Phaedra Parks and Porsha...what the fuck is Porsha's last name? Oh yeah! Why should I care...SHE'S NOT ON THE SHOW ANYMORE!! EXCEPT SHE IS! The bitch won't go the fuck away and let me just say this about that: second shout-out: Andy if you're reading, I beg of you, as a loyal RHONJ and RHOA viewer, get that helium balloon masquerading as a person named Porsha OFF THE SHOW! Every single time she's on scene you can feel the IQ points dropping like flies all around her. And I don't need to tell you that this is an IQ-starved cast to begin with so NOBODY on this show can spare the grey matter. Still, the little bitch persists, showing up randomly to snipe and throw shade and be basically the most useless sack of shit to ever grace a TV screen. BE GONE YOU EVIL LITTLE TROLL!

On to Phaedra. Phaedra, Phaedra, Phaedra. Basically you've always creeped me the fuck out and this season you're finally just showing yourself plain. Between the beleaguered mother act (I've now counted four mother's helpers and that's just the ones who've made the edit cut onto the show), the over-worked lawyer, budding embalmer (ewwwwwww), exercise impresario (really? with that fat azz?) and harried soon-to-be-ex-wife-of-a-felon-who-you-knew-was-already-a-felon-when-you-purposely-got-knocked-up-by-him-figuring-he'd-at-least-help-to-make-decent-looking-kids, one would think that Ms. Parks would be just "too overwhelmed" to keep up the hectic pace of the RHOA's most bitter, mean and downright spiteful shade-thrower. Nah, bitch; Phaedra's just get-in started. And that's saying something, honey. This is a show that positively cultivates bitches, it worships bitches, it's the bitch capital of the world. And yet, amongst this crowd, this season, Phaedra is the clear leader. Where Nene is the bull-in-a-china shop shade thrower: loud, aggressive, bullying, Phaedra is the sneaky, underhanded, truly mean-intentioned shade thrower. Phaedra's the worst. One new potential HW has met the creature that is Phaedra Parks uncloaked and we've all been privvy to that encounter. Demetria from some Tyler Perry show or other has been the unsuspecting target of Phaedra's smarmy evil all season.

Scene One:
Demetria: I played a crack addict on Meet The Browns.
Phaedra: Oh? Do you use crack?
Demetria: In real life? No!
Phaedra: Oh, because don't you need to know about something if you're going to act like you do it?

Don't forget folks: this is on broadcast television and this young woman is an actress who would, presumably like to continue being an actress and here's Phaedra Parks making the suggestion that she's a crack user. She'll tell us later that she was "just was an honest question." Blink, blink, smarmy smile, something about the lord above. Sick bitch.

Scene Two: Phaedra and Nena visit Demetria at the recording studio, uninvited, just to say "hi" and throw shade. They slither into the control booth and take a seat to listen as Demetria finishes her take. Fake hugs and kisses ensue.

Demetria: I'm trying to break into the music business.
Phaedra: How old are you? Aren't you at least in your thirties? Are they really making 34 year old pop stars these days? Shouldn't you be aiming more for folk or gospel?
Demetria: ...stunned silence...
Patentedly evil Phaedra self-satisfied smile followed by the shot of the bewildered Demetria trying to keep up with what is going on with this dastardly duo. Don't try girl, she's straight out of hell. Just say your prayers and let these two creatures slither back out the way they came.

Cynthia-Kenya-Kandi. They have blended into one person this season and are, franky, kind of boring. Except when Kandi is throwing spectacularly self-serving sex toy parties (she sells the shit), she's really not doing much except being abused by her mother and meddling. She's really good at meddling which is so funny since her tagline is: Drama: Don't Bring None, Won't Be None. What it should say is: Drama: Don't Bring None, I'm Down. Kandi tells us in her talking head that she's all about knitting the group back together and mending fences amongst her once-friends Cynthia and Nene. Uh, I call bullshit on you, girl! You just like to stir up trouble and then walk away. You throw the "truth grenade" and then leave the room. Cynthia is clueless as usual. Uncle Ben, who just successfully fucked up the one business he wasted her money on, Bar One, has now connived her into shelling out (as partners! HAH!) for yet another bar/restaurant in some kind of scary-ass demilitarized zone in Atlanta. But Cynthia's all about her man so she's all in. Cynthia: beautiful but dumb as a rock. Kenya is still talking too loud, screaming, really, and continuing to make everyone rehash how Apollo lied on her for two years but now he's come clean with the truth but nobody has really accepted her back into the fold yet. Yes, deary, that's because his super-awful, soon-to-be-gleeful-ex, Phaedra From Hell has convinced her underlings to hate on you forever. As they say in Frozen: Let It GO!

Finally, our new housewife this season is someone I REALLY LIKE! Claudia Jordan is a fucking breath of fresh air to this stale, sniping franchise. She's new to town, relocated from NYC to Atlanta and she's funny and smart and so over herself which stands in stark contrast to the others who can't actually be about anything OTHER than themselves. If Nene has Lady Balls, my girl Claudia probably has actual balls; she is nobody's fool and throws the shit right back in Nene's face, doesn't back down and, in fact, in the final scene of last week's episode has the Great Nene Leakes reduced to an eigth grade schoolgirl, whispering and laughing and talking behind her hand because Claudia straight up shut her down in the shade-throw-off that preceded. YOU GO, GIRL! With this sorry cast of over-the-hill wannabes you shine like a bright new penny! Team Claudia! Anyway, The ABIB's back so stay tuned!