Cialis is a prescription drug for erectile dysfunction. So, when old dudes can’t get their dick up they can take Cialis and bang until it falls off. There have been reports of erections lasting four hours or longer, so I’m guessing that some of them wish their dick actually would fall off. A commercial I just saw for Cialis offered us three different scenarios edited together as kind of a montage:
Scenario One: A man and a woman wearing T-shirts that say “Football” are sitting next to each other on the couch watching…presumably…football? The lady is all excited and jumps up off the couch when her team does something cheer-worthy. I’m guessing we’re shown that detail to prove that she’s, well, excitable. Back to them in a minute.
Scenario Two: A man and a woman are cleaning the clutter from their attic. I know, I know, who DOESN’T get a boner cleaning the attic? Well they’re sorting through a box of records and come across some old album that seems to bring back memories for both of them. Not sure if they’re great ones because the dude keeps shaking his head with an ironic smile on his face while he turns the album over and over and over. Who can read that fast? The look on his face seems to say: “Oh hell, yeah, I remember this record…I was wasted and you? You were passed out. I think it was the first time we screwed.” Back to them in a minute
Scenario Three: A man and a woman are outside appearing to refinish an old wooden crate. Um, why? Suddenly the dude, apropos of nothing, as they appear to not even be speaking to one another, begins to look at the woman with, frankly, a skeevy kind of stare. Unperturbed by this the woman, just as suddenly, returns his gaze, although she offers him a kind of blank smile, like she’s used to this from him. Back to them in a minute.
Bing, Bang, Boom! The Cialis kicks in and look out ladies; you all about to get SERVED a juicy dose of erectile dysfunction-fueled lovin’!
The cheering football lady presents her couch potato with a tray of food that would serve seven but it don’t matter because he gives her a look and who needs football, let’s fuck!
The attic cleaners put the old album on the old turntable and begin to dance. Who needs to clean this filthy craphole; let’s fuck!
The wooden crate-refinishing-duo finally toss those damn brushes and get it on instead. I guess that creepy stalker smile worked after all. Who needs to refinish this splinter-ridden piece of shit; let’s fuck!
So there you have it. Cialis kicks in and life takes a back seat because, well, those Cialis-infused dudes NEED TO FUCK RIGHT NOW! And why not some truth in advertising, Cialis hucksters? Why not show the poor sap four hours later crying in the emergency room because his dick won’t go down? As the commercial ends we see the Cialis emblem, which is a silhouette of a couple, each in their own, "it will only fit one person" bathtubs situated side-by-side, holding hands across the small distance that separates them. Um, what’s up with the skinny bathtubs? Doesn’t that kind of defeat the whole purpose of Cialis in the first place? Maybe there should be a warning on the package? MEN: DO NOT TAKE CIALIS IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE IN A SITUATION THAT WILL PREVENT YOU FROM FUCKING WITHIN 20 MINUTES! So to that dude in the bathtub: until you can relocate to a more fuckable location, DO NOT TAKE YOUR CIALIS, MAN; it’s gonna be hard to get it on in the little, tiny bathtub. Furthermore, woe be to you guys with a four hour boner; dude, that little bathtub has a little drain. You could get stuck and then where will you be? In William Howard Taft-ville that’s where. And with an image like that in your lady friend’s head…well, ain’t enough Cialis in the world gonna fix that my man.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season Finale: They Go Out With A Whimper Not A Bang
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...Huh? Wha? Gosh, I'm sorry, I must have dozed off there. MOST. BORING. FINALE. EVER. As in EVER. What did I just watch? That was an hour of...nothing! For the first 20 minutes or so they just recapped the season. But I fast forwarded through that because I...watched it? OK, I thought, now we get to the good, fist pumping, punch-throwing, JSTA getting his little beanie ripped off and then hauled off to jail ACTION. But, uh, we didn't. Back we go to the Posche 2 opening party and everyone, and I mean everyone, is surrounding Penny and her oddball husband 'cause they got some 'splainin' to do and Melissa and JSTA are prodding them to do just that. Well, actually JSTA did make some googly-eyed, half-assed lunges at Penny's hubster while screaming, as he is normally wont to do, "SHE'S MY WIFE!! MY WIFE!!!" Yeah, JSTA, uh, we've all got that and since he's been tweeting up a fucking blow-job shitstorm about your little songbird, I'm pretty sure he knows that, too. Anyway, there's Melissa, demanding, DEMANDING, an explanation from Penny who prompty throws Thereser directly under the bus because, well, because it WAS Thereser who was the little devil whispering all the secret Melissa dirt into Penny's wired-to-In-Touch-magazine ear. All T could do was widen her eyes incredulously, which considering T has about a quarter inch of forehead to begin with, kinda put her big, black eyebrows in direct contact with her simian hairline. Melissa was surrounded by her posse, which is to say, the entire cast of RHONJ because thanks to the Adirondyke Mount-ins and Miraval, everyone is singing Kumbaya from the same sheet of Bravo music. Hilariously, Dirty C kinda went apeshit even more than JSTA, "ARE YOU HAPPY? ARE YOU? ARE YOU? YOU RUINED A FAMILY ARE YOU HAPPY?" which is saying something. Hey DC: ease down...ease down. Here's a suggestion: try ramping up your estrogen, babe, cause not only do you shave (which you've told us already in a previous season and that Big Al SR absolutely LOVES it) but you're kinda verging into Manlyville. In fact, maybe you're already kinda there. For real. So anyway, the crew is all around, backing up their girl Melissa and Penny shouts out for some help from Crack Hoe Kim D. Crack Hoe Kim D joins the fray, apparently still in full makeup from her audition for The Walking Dead. DAMN! That is one hard looking bitch, people. You do NOT want to cross Crack Hoe Kim D in a dark alley, my friends; she WILL cut a bitch. And likely has. Anyhow, Crack Hoe Kim joins the outer ring around Penny and her tweeting hubby but kinda just stares her scary-ass stare. So yeah, there was that. Then up comes that whiny-ass dipshit Jacqueline, who, now that she's safely surrounded by her husband, friends and sister-in-law DC (again who is just a chromosome away from growing a pair for real) she takes off on Penny and her man, snarling about how they tweeted nasty shit about her kid and what kind of monsters are they and blah, blah, blah. Jacqueline is human Valium, she really, really is. The fast forward button is SO my friend when it comes to that mealy-mouthed little idiot.
All at once everyone huffed out of the Posche 2 party in various states of outrage and that was it. End of THAT storyline, which need I remind RHONJ regular viewers, is pretty much the EXACT SAME END AS LAST FUCKING SEASON. Next day T and Jacqueline, over some giant goblets of vino, have a heart-to-heart and Jacqueline advises T to come clean with JSTA and Melissa. We see Thereser wrapping her mind around that notion and trying to remember her script as she considers that this might be the only way to "move forward" with JSTA. Comically she never mentions Melissa's name. Telling. But then again, I kinda can't stand Melissa so, I get it, T, I get it. Jacqueline suggests that Thereser should plan to make her confession to JSTA the next day at the BLK flavor tasting. WTF? So now it's not just going to be black water, it's going to FLAVORED black water. These morons are the limit. We get to see Dirty C in her talking head brag on and on and on about her AMAZINGLY successful and independent children and we are treated to some of the best clips from her loser kids' past, namely the one where she tells Little Al JR to never let anyone tell him that he can't do something. Um, OK. Dirty C is on a big-ass stroll down memory lane, walking through her giant house and revisiting some of the more wonderful memories of life in their heavily fortified compound. This is all just a big lead up to Dirty C's epiphany that, hell, she doesn't want the apartment in Hoboken, she wants to stay right here, because, well, there's no place like home. Cue the Wizard or Glinda or whoever Big Al SR is the stand-in for in this gag-worthy, "touching" shot who assures Dirty C that she can stay there as long as she likes. Big fucking whoop. Honestly, it's amazing I kept watching this bore-fest of a finale.
Next day everyone gathers at the BLK "office" to taste-test the potential new flavors of their sludge water and, well, who fucking cares about BLK anyway? Thereser drags JSTA over to a private spot and spills the beans to him about how she befriended the wrong people and that since she was "so mad at Melissa" she didn't speak up when the ladies started to trash M in earnest. She never owned up to being the dirt source, but rather took responsibility for being a silent witness to Melissa's downfall at the hands of other, more vicious and vindictive North Jersey trollops. And you know what? I kinda found myself nodding along with T 'cause lets fact it peeps, we've all been there, amirite? You're hatin' on someone and it's just plain old delicious FUN to hear others crap on that person. So they cried (again) and they hugged (again) and all is right in the Gorga/Guidice swirling inferno of drama as the season ends.
Our last shots are back at the Jersey shore, where the season began, in the aftermath of Superstorm Sandy and Thereser and JJ's beach house, which had been ruined by the storm. But! It's been rebuilt by JJ and now everyone's coming down-a shore for a cookout/hugathon/what-I-learned-this-season confessional epilogue. I'm thinking, "way to go, T, you got that good-for-nothing husband to at least make himself useful and fix up the beach house before his lying ass is deported. Our last talking head segment is Dirty C, pontificating as usual, the old, wise grand dame of the crew, jabbering on about how even when they hated each other they really loved each other and how even in their most spiteful phases any one of them would have come running at the drop of a hat if any of the others were in need. And I called BULLSHIT at the TV at that point because, honestly Dirty C, who the FUCK is going to believe that load of crap-ola? Your own expression tells me that YOU sure don't fucking believe it. So, yeah. And that's where we ended up, with a peek at the latest Guidice legal woes brewing and a hint that by next week's Reunion episode, some of the lovey-dovey glow has kind of worn off. So The ABIB will be back next week to recap the Reunion party, which if past seasons are any indication, should be kinda fun. Especially if that nitwit Lauren Manzo shows up. Stay tuned!
All at once everyone huffed out of the Posche 2 party in various states of outrage and that was it. End of THAT storyline, which need I remind RHONJ regular viewers, is pretty much the EXACT SAME END AS LAST FUCKING SEASON. Next day T and Jacqueline, over some giant goblets of vino, have a heart-to-heart and Jacqueline advises T to come clean with JSTA and Melissa. We see Thereser wrapping her mind around that notion and trying to remember her script as she considers that this might be the only way to "move forward" with JSTA. Comically she never mentions Melissa's name. Telling. But then again, I kinda can't stand Melissa so, I get it, T, I get it. Jacqueline suggests that Thereser should plan to make her confession to JSTA the next day at the BLK flavor tasting. WTF? So now it's not just going to be black water, it's going to FLAVORED black water. These morons are the limit. We get to see Dirty C in her talking head brag on and on and on about her AMAZINGLY successful and independent children and we are treated to some of the best clips from her loser kids' past, namely the one where she tells Little Al JR to never let anyone tell him that he can't do something. Um, OK. Dirty C is on a big-ass stroll down memory lane, walking through her giant house and revisiting some of the more wonderful memories of life in their heavily fortified compound. This is all just a big lead up to Dirty C's epiphany that, hell, she doesn't want the apartment in Hoboken, she wants to stay right here, because, well, there's no place like home. Cue the Wizard or Glinda or whoever Big Al SR is the stand-in for in this gag-worthy, "touching" shot who assures Dirty C that she can stay there as long as she likes. Big fucking whoop. Honestly, it's amazing I kept watching this bore-fest of a finale.
Next day everyone gathers at the BLK "office" to taste-test the potential new flavors of their sludge water and, well, who fucking cares about BLK anyway? Thereser drags JSTA over to a private spot and spills the beans to him about how she befriended the wrong people and that since she was "so mad at Melissa" she didn't speak up when the ladies started to trash M in earnest. She never owned up to being the dirt source, but rather took responsibility for being a silent witness to Melissa's downfall at the hands of other, more vicious and vindictive North Jersey trollops. And you know what? I kinda found myself nodding along with T 'cause lets fact it peeps, we've all been there, amirite? You're hatin' on someone and it's just plain old delicious FUN to hear others crap on that person. So they cried (again) and they hugged (again) and all is right in the Gorga/Guidice swirling inferno of drama as the season ends.
Our last shots are back at the Jersey shore, where the season began, in the aftermath of Superstorm Sandy and Thereser and JJ's beach house, which had been ruined by the storm. But! It's been rebuilt by JJ and now everyone's coming down-a shore for a cookout/hugathon/what-I-learned-this-season confessional epilogue. I'm thinking, "way to go, T, you got that good-for-nothing husband to at least make himself useful and fix up the beach house before his lying ass is deported. Our last talking head segment is Dirty C, pontificating as usual, the old, wise grand dame of the crew, jabbering on about how even when they hated each other they really loved each other and how even in their most spiteful phases any one of them would have come running at the drop of a hat if any of the others were in need. And I called BULLSHIT at the TV at that point because, honestly Dirty C, who the FUCK is going to believe that load of crap-ola? Your own expression tells me that YOU sure don't fucking believe it. So, yeah. And that's where we ended up, with a peek at the latest Guidice legal woes brewing and a hint that by next week's Reunion episode, some of the lovey-dovey glow has kind of worn off. So The ABIB will be back next week to recap the Reunion party, which if past seasons are any indication, should be kinda fun. Especially if that nitwit Lauren Manzo shows up. Stay tuned!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: A Penny For Your Tweets!
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Sunday, September 15, 2013
The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Two! Two! Two Recaps In One!
So I'm gonna kinda punk out on this week's recap by adding in - at no additional charge to you - LAST WEEK'S recap! How about that? We begin - still - at Miraval, that healing camp for bored, rich first-worlders who just need to fucking HEAL PEOPLE! Well, our little rowdy band of revelers wrapped up their Heal-A-Palooza with the lamest "trust fall" I've ever seen. And that includes the drunken trust falls they did on their last night, in their last healing adventure, at the Adirondyke Mount-Ins. Yeah, this time they had to get all harnessed up, don their "don't crush your tiny skulls" helmets, and climb what looked to be a telephone pole circa 1945, with the tiny iron footholds and everything. Two at a time they scaled the heights (about 30 feet we are told) and hold on to each other as they take teeney-tiny steps along a wire. Clasped at the shoulders they are forced to lean into each other and slide along, usually no more than four or five steps before they step off and hang, harnessed, in mid-air only to be lowered to the dusty ground and congratulated by all the other trusters-in-waiting. Psssht. It was pretty stupid and I'm sure did nothing to actually build trust, which these silly exercises never do, anyway. So after the trust suspension bridge demonstration, everyone just headed back to their rooms to get ready to leave, but not before an evening of food and drank wherein everyone decided that the Guidices and the Gorgas needed to seriously bond together as a FAMILY to shut down all of the evil chatter, Twitter and otherwise, about Melissa's alleged blow jobs with her old boyfriend. Done and done. But not before JSTA flew into a completely unprovoked rage and threw his champagne glass smashing into the stone fireplace to the open astonishment of everyone. Melissa yanked him off screen but we can hear (and see in subtitles) the tongue lashing that she gives him offstage, several times calling him an idiot. Yeah, I'm predicting that Thereser will eventually be proved correct in that it's just a matter of time before Golddigger Melissa dumps her brotha for a richer dude. Really, really, really not feeling the love for Melissa these days.
Back in Joisey, the gang disperses into their respective lives: Thereser and Jacqueline are back in love, Katy has struck a deal with an event planner to help kick-start her cannolli biz, and Melissa is alternately reinvigorating her singing "career" and continuing to hunt down the source of the blow job rumors. Ahem...even though she pledged to stop doing that back at the Miraval final night Kumbaya "we're all one fambly" close out. Turns out the blk storyline is still alive - amazingly - since last we heard about it two of the three super loser Manzo kids, namely the boys Little Albie and Chris the Barely Cognizant, had seemingly washed their hands of the whole blk schtick and were focusing their monumentally loser-y business acumen on opening a New Jersey themed restaurant. Anyhoo, their Uncle The Bankroller - Chris Laurita - tells JSTA over a glass or 10 of vino, that blk is still alive and well but that it's "alot of work". In fact, it's SO alive and well that they're getting ready to have the blk imprimatur host some kind of sports themed charity event for autism. Basketball will be played! Blk will be shilled! Jacqueline Laurita will sob annoyingly as she struggles to deliver the keynote speech! Yeah, that last one really did happen and it was, as Jacqueline's appearances on screen always are, majorly B-O-R-I-N-G. FF button is my friend when it comes to Jacqueline. But you already knew that.
Kathy and her crew, laden with about 1,000 business cards, a big ol' poster and tons of cannollis, head into the Big Apple to make a sales pitch appearance at Dylan's Candy Bar a NYC biz owned by none other than Dylan Lauren, daughter of Ralph Lauren. Of course neither Dylan nor her father are anywhere in sight, but drama ensues anyway, as the Wakile family struggle to get their shit together and get the fuck out of Jersey and across the bridge. Once there, Kathy pitches a fit when none of her "personally invited" family or friends appear at the store to support her in this, the launch of her business. Not a one. King Douchebag calls them - ironically - "douchebags" and he lamely tells Kathy: "I'm here". Yeah you are KD, you are. Being the good egg that she is, Kath soldiers on and they all finally show the fuck up, but pretty late. No problem, Kathy the Doormat greets them with open arms and big smiles, thanking them profusely for coming out to support her. Poor Kathy.
Melissa and JSTA also make their way across the river into the big city to meet with Johnny Wright, music producer extraordinaire, to pitch him on repping Melissa. Yeah, Melissa who fucking can't sing her way out of a paper bag but who, nonetheless, is convinced that stardom is def in her future. I don't know who Bravo had to pay off to get this guy on the show but it's just as likely that, being the fame whore that he is - according to his Wikipedia entry - Mr. Wright was just looking for the free face time on air to pimp out his vast music production compound in Orlando. He proceeds to tell the Gorgas that if Melissa wants to be in the biz she's gonna have to jettison her family and COMMIT BITCH! He agrees to stop by Chez Gorga with some of his posse to check out her in-house studio and hear her attempt to sing one of his stable of writers' new songs. So, with the song writer and an A&R girl in tow, Mr. Wright appears at da Gorga crib and downstairs they all go. I don't think I need to tell you but I will: MELISSA CAN'T SING!!! She makes all kinds of fucked up excuses and insists that she hears distracting static in her headphones which nobody else can hear, but basically the bitch can't hit a single note straight. It's embarrassingly bad and everyone from the Wright Production House is clearly uncomfortable. Nevertheless, Mr. Johnny tells Melissa that she needs to come down to HIS production world in Orlando and let the Wright team work her over. Melisa looks way queasy but nods "yes". Enough of that storyline and for any of you that follow the Atlanta housewives, this plot line is exactly like Kim's foray into "singing".
Finally we get Melissa and JSTA - AGAIN - out for a date night dinner ("I love you in leather" JSTA purrs creepily) when who should Melissa spy with her little eye but the infamous PENNY up at the bar! Now Penny is the vehicle through which the blow job rumors have been surfacing but Melissa and JSTA want to know: WHO IS FEEDING YOU THIS INFORMATION PENNY? Three fucking guesses. Lovey dovey "we've all made up and are moving forward as a fambly" Thereser. DUN DUN DUN...! Um, is anyone ON EARTH suprised by this yawn-inducing "dramatic reveal"? Who DIDN'T see this coming? So next week's preview shows an outraged Thereser being confronted by Penny with Melissa and JSTA listening on avidly. Should be good, right? RIGHT? Anyway, it should be...well...something. See you next week!
Back in Joisey, the gang disperses into their respective lives: Thereser and Jacqueline are back in love, Katy has struck a deal with an event planner to help kick-start her cannolli biz, and Melissa is alternately reinvigorating her singing "career" and continuing to hunt down the source of the blow job rumors. Ahem...even though she pledged to stop doing that back at the Miraval final night Kumbaya "we're all one fambly" close out. Turns out the blk storyline is still alive - amazingly - since last we heard about it two of the three super loser Manzo kids, namely the boys Little Albie and Chris the Barely Cognizant, had seemingly washed their hands of the whole blk schtick and were focusing their monumentally loser-y business acumen on opening a New Jersey themed restaurant. Anyhoo, their Uncle The Bankroller - Chris Laurita - tells JSTA over a glass or 10 of vino, that blk is still alive and well but that it's "alot of work". In fact, it's SO alive and well that they're getting ready to have the blk imprimatur host some kind of sports themed charity event for autism. Basketball will be played! Blk will be shilled! Jacqueline Laurita will sob annoyingly as she struggles to deliver the keynote speech! Yeah, that last one really did happen and it was, as Jacqueline's appearances on screen always are, majorly B-O-R-I-N-G. FF button is my friend when it comes to Jacqueline. But you already knew that.
Kathy and her crew, laden with about 1,000 business cards, a big ol' poster and tons of cannollis, head into the Big Apple to make a sales pitch appearance at Dylan's Candy Bar a NYC biz owned by none other than Dylan Lauren, daughter of Ralph Lauren. Of course neither Dylan nor her father are anywhere in sight, but drama ensues anyway, as the Wakile family struggle to get their shit together and get the fuck out of Jersey and across the bridge. Once there, Kathy pitches a fit when none of her "personally invited" family or friends appear at the store to support her in this, the launch of her business. Not a one. King Douchebag calls them - ironically - "douchebags" and he lamely tells Kathy: "I'm here". Yeah you are KD, you are. Being the good egg that she is, Kath soldiers on and they all finally show the fuck up, but pretty late. No problem, Kathy the Doormat greets them with open arms and big smiles, thanking them profusely for coming out to support her. Poor Kathy.
Melissa and JSTA also make their way across the river into the big city to meet with Johnny Wright, music producer extraordinaire, to pitch him on repping Melissa. Yeah, Melissa who fucking can't sing her way out of a paper bag but who, nonetheless, is convinced that stardom is def in her future. I don't know who Bravo had to pay off to get this guy on the show but it's just as likely that, being the fame whore that he is - according to his Wikipedia entry - Mr. Wright was just looking for the free face time on air to pimp out his vast music production compound in Orlando. He proceeds to tell the Gorgas that if Melissa wants to be in the biz she's gonna have to jettison her family and COMMIT BITCH! He agrees to stop by Chez Gorga with some of his posse to check out her in-house studio and hear her attempt to sing one of his stable of writers' new songs. So, with the song writer and an A&R girl in tow, Mr. Wright appears at da Gorga crib and downstairs they all go. I don't think I need to tell you but I will: MELISSA CAN'T SING!!! She makes all kinds of fucked up excuses and insists that she hears distracting static in her headphones which nobody else can hear, but basically the bitch can't hit a single note straight. It's embarrassingly bad and everyone from the Wright Production House is clearly uncomfortable. Nevertheless, Mr. Johnny tells Melissa that she needs to come down to HIS production world in Orlando and let the Wright team work her over. Melisa looks way queasy but nods "yes". Enough of that storyline and for any of you that follow the Atlanta housewives, this plot line is exactly like Kim's foray into "singing".
Finally we get Melissa and JSTA - AGAIN - out for a date night dinner ("I love you in leather" JSTA purrs creepily) when who should Melissa spy with her little eye but the infamous PENNY up at the bar! Now Penny is the vehicle through which the blow job rumors have been surfacing but Melissa and JSTA want to know: WHO IS FEEDING YOU THIS INFORMATION PENNY? Three fucking guesses. Lovey dovey "we've all made up and are moving forward as a fambly" Thereser. DUN DUN DUN...! Um, is anyone ON EARTH suprised by this yawn-inducing "dramatic reveal"? Who DIDN'T see this coming? So next week's preview shows an outraged Thereser being confronted by Penny with Melissa and JSTA listening on avidly. Should be good, right? RIGHT? Anyway, it should be...well...something. See you next week!
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
It's Just Horseshit, People!
Ladies and Gentlemen, this week was likely the lamest, most annoying episode EVER of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. We again join these miscreants at Miraval - the healing resort in the middle of the Arizona desert - and Heal-A-Palooza is still in full-blown healing mode. This week the gang is escorted out to the horse corral where a pretty dubious character, who introduces himself as Wyatt and self-identifies as a "therapist", welcomes the crew to the next level of True Confessions. For real. Wyatt explains that the horse standing beside him is especially attuned to "inauthenticity" and so one-by-one, they're going to have to come on up and try to clean some shit out of his front leg's horseshoe. Yeah, you read that right. Apparently this horsie don't play, ya'll. If you ain't bein' rill, he WILL NOT allow you to scrape shit out of his front left horseshoe. Okaaayyyy...now I have horse people in my immediate family and I'm pretty sure any one of them would call "bullshit" on this nonsense. But being that all of the RHONJ goombas are city slickers nobody's about to issue the challenge that would unmask Wyatt...if that's even his name. DUN DUN DUN.....First one up is Drunk Ass Rosie and pretty much immediately she starts to boo-hoo and Wyatt, being the "therapist" that he alleges, eggs her on with the aim of getting her "let it out". Apparently our Rosie has been playing second fiddle her whole life and has never felt like she matters or is worth much. Wyatt knows authenticity when he hears it and invites DAR to give the shit cleaning catharsis a whirl. Like magic, she slides her hand down the horsie's foreleg and right away he obliges her by lifting his hoof in the air so that she can scrape some shit out of the grooves in his horseshoe. Everyone is delighted, especially DAR, who, just moments ago was crying about some pretty fucking serious issues but is now magically all smiles because SHE GOT THE HORSE TO LIFT HIS HOOF! Hell, at this point I'M calling bullshit on this crap. But everyone is super happy for DAR as she returns to her seat, presumably cured of a lifetime's worth of low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness and all it took was five minutes with Wyatt and his wonder horse. Aaaamazing!
DAR is followed by her sister Kathy and King Douchebag and Wyatt tears KD a new one, calling him out on his use of "humor" to avoid feeling real feelings and for minimizing Kathy and ignoring her "voice". Throughout Wyatt's chastisement of KD, Kathy looks on silently with the ever-so-subtle look of "I told you so, motherfucker" playing across her face. Then her talking head basically says: "I told you so, motherfucker." Much love for poor, ignored Kathy. BTW, horsie let's Kath clean his hoof but won't budge for King Douchebag. Yeah, baby.
Next up: Melissa, who has elected to attend the horse corral stage show wearing what must have been her costume at the pole when the strip joint had "Western Theme Night". Basically her ass is barely covered by the mini, mini jeans shorts she's wearing with a crop top and cowboy boots. Make it rain, Melissa! She saucily sways up to Wyatt and his horse and he immediately calls her out as a big, old whore! HAH! I have to say I did love that part. He tells everyone that Melissa has just done the "whore stroll". Surprisingly JSTA doesn't haul off and level him. But whatever, there she is and of course immediately cops an attitude and won't give Wyatt a straight answer on anything. Evasive and looking way bored, Melissa is then invited to try and pass the shit scraping test which she summarily fails. Big time. Whatever, says Melissa, as she haughtily returns to her seat. JSTA came up next but he was just too scared of the horse to get close enought to pet him let along lean down and lift his hoof. Wyatt dismisses him straightaway. Next up is Jacqueline who, like Drunk Ass Rosie, is crying before she even gets up to Wyatt and his horse. But unlike Rosie, Jacqueline is ALWAYS fucking crying so...so what? Again she's going on and on about Thereser and...well, I've warned you all before in this blog, I canNOT remember what the hell Jacqueline says because she is BORING!! Next up is Thereser who takes one look at the horse and says: "Nope. Not gonna do it." And walks away. We are promptly shown a shot of JJ walking away from the crew as he makes a call. Uh oh, the Bravo dupesters want us to think: here goes Juicy Joe again, just like last year, calling some hoebag in the middle of a group outing. But NO! This year his call is to their kids and T walks away with him to join in the chat. For which they are chastised by Wyatt when they return to the group - he calls them out on using their cell during what is supposed to be a meaningful team activity. Obviously he's never met the Guidices because clearly they couldn't give a rats ass and make that abundantly clear.
Now it's time for Dirty C and Big Al SR. In her talking head segment DC has told us that she is TOTALLY into this exercise because she LOVES horses. Yay! So, up they go and Wyatt immediately is sympatico with both of them, telling them that their obvious love and devotion for each other is "a beautiful thing". Then out of nowhere he asks Big Al SR: "were you abused?" WHAT WHAT?? Hell, turns out he was and gets all teary-eyed telling the tale of his "difficult father who was pretty tough on him". Awkward throat clearing and eyes looking everywhere but at him...and that was just ME. So yeah, there was THAT.
Finally we get Juicy Joe who, with virtually zero prompting from Wyatt, offers up that he's kinda scurred about what's going to happen to him at his upcoming hearing for lying about getting a driver's license. Now, this was all filmed long before the most recent Guidice brush with the law which, far more serious than falsifying a driver's license, is all about defrauding multiple banks and other financial institutions and could actually get his ass deported back to Italia! But for this show he was all worried about having to go to jail and his kids growing up without their Daddy for a few years and EVERYONE was SHOCKED! SHOCKED! That Juicy Joe came clean with his worries about this stuff. JSTA even devoted his talking head segment to giving JJ serious props for being so honest. Which I found hilarious in light of recent events. I mean, honest? Not so much.
And that concluded the Wyatt and his magically sensitive horse segment. We are next treated to Thereser and JJ alone with their vino in their private hot tub having a heart-to-heart about the upcoming legal entanglements. I pretty much couldn't get past T's seriously ugly G-string, sparkle bikini. At what age do those become just not cool? I'm guessing somewhere around, like 30? Not a good look, T.
As evening falls the gang heads over to some group lodge food and drinks hang-out but on the way are stopped mid-path by some dude in full American Indian war regalia who enlists them in some serious drumming. Everyone joins in as he encourages them to all get in the same drumming rhythm so that it sounds like a "giant heartbeat that will heal the world", Now, that's just plain goofy. They all drum for about three minutes and then he bids them a fond goodnight. Finally the episode ends in a typical RHONJ eating and drinking extravaganza wherein Thereser and Jacqueline break away from the crowd and repledge their love to one another and restart their friendship by throwing some paper into the firepit and scraping the bottoms of each other's shoes. There you have it, folks. The preview for next week shows some kind of drunken shouting match which I'm guessing is heralding the approach of this season's end. Tune in next week to find out what trifle they decide to drunk-fight about next!
DAR is followed by her sister Kathy and King Douchebag and Wyatt tears KD a new one, calling him out on his use of "humor" to avoid feeling real feelings and for minimizing Kathy and ignoring her "voice". Throughout Wyatt's chastisement of KD, Kathy looks on silently with the ever-so-subtle look of "I told you so, motherfucker" playing across her face. Then her talking head basically says: "I told you so, motherfucker." Much love for poor, ignored Kathy. BTW, horsie let's Kath clean his hoof but won't budge for King Douchebag. Yeah, baby.
Next up: Melissa, who has elected to attend the horse corral stage show wearing what must have been her costume at the pole when the strip joint had "Western Theme Night". Basically her ass is barely covered by the mini, mini jeans shorts she's wearing with a crop top and cowboy boots. Make it rain, Melissa! She saucily sways up to Wyatt and his horse and he immediately calls her out as a big, old whore! HAH! I have to say I did love that part. He tells everyone that Melissa has just done the "whore stroll". Surprisingly JSTA doesn't haul off and level him. But whatever, there she is and of course immediately cops an attitude and won't give Wyatt a straight answer on anything. Evasive and looking way bored, Melissa is then invited to try and pass the shit scraping test which she summarily fails. Big time. Whatever, says Melissa, as she haughtily returns to her seat. JSTA came up next but he was just too scared of the horse to get close enought to pet him let along lean down and lift his hoof. Wyatt dismisses him straightaway. Next up is Jacqueline who, like Drunk Ass Rosie, is crying before she even gets up to Wyatt and his horse. But unlike Rosie, Jacqueline is ALWAYS fucking crying so...so what? Again she's going on and on about Thereser and...well, I've warned you all before in this blog, I canNOT remember what the hell Jacqueline says because she is BORING!! Next up is Thereser who takes one look at the horse and says: "Nope. Not gonna do it." And walks away. We are promptly shown a shot of JJ walking away from the crew as he makes a call. Uh oh, the Bravo dupesters want us to think: here goes Juicy Joe again, just like last year, calling some hoebag in the middle of a group outing. But NO! This year his call is to their kids and T walks away with him to join in the chat. For which they are chastised by Wyatt when they return to the group - he calls them out on using their cell during what is supposed to be a meaningful team activity. Obviously he's never met the Guidices because clearly they couldn't give a rats ass and make that abundantly clear.
Now it's time for Dirty C and Big Al SR. In her talking head segment DC has told us that she is TOTALLY into this exercise because she LOVES horses. Yay! So, up they go and Wyatt immediately is sympatico with both of them, telling them that their obvious love and devotion for each other is "a beautiful thing". Then out of nowhere he asks Big Al SR: "were you abused?" WHAT WHAT?? Hell, turns out he was and gets all teary-eyed telling the tale of his "difficult father who was pretty tough on him". Awkward throat clearing and eyes looking everywhere but at him...and that was just ME. So yeah, there was THAT.
Finally we get Juicy Joe who, with virtually zero prompting from Wyatt, offers up that he's kinda scurred about what's going to happen to him at his upcoming hearing for lying about getting a driver's license. Now, this was all filmed long before the most recent Guidice brush with the law which, far more serious than falsifying a driver's license, is all about defrauding multiple banks and other financial institutions and could actually get his ass deported back to Italia! But for this show he was all worried about having to go to jail and his kids growing up without their Daddy for a few years and EVERYONE was SHOCKED! SHOCKED! That Juicy Joe came clean with his worries about this stuff. JSTA even devoted his talking head segment to giving JJ serious props for being so honest. Which I found hilarious in light of recent events. I mean, honest? Not so much.
And that concluded the Wyatt and his magically sensitive horse segment. We are next treated to Thereser and JJ alone with their vino in their private hot tub having a heart-to-heart about the upcoming legal entanglements. I pretty much couldn't get past T's seriously ugly G-string, sparkle bikini. At what age do those become just not cool? I'm guessing somewhere around, like 30? Not a good look, T.
As evening falls the gang heads over to some group lodge food and drinks hang-out but on the way are stopped mid-path by some dude in full American Indian war regalia who enlists them in some serious drumming. Everyone joins in as he encourages them to all get in the same drumming rhythm so that it sounds like a "giant heartbeat that will heal the world", Now, that's just plain goofy. They all drum for about three minutes and then he bids them a fond goodnight. Finally the episode ends in a typical RHONJ eating and drinking extravaganza wherein Thereser and Jacqueline break away from the crowd and repledge their love to one another and restart their friendship by throwing some paper into the firepit and scraping the bottoms of each other's shoes. There you have it, folks. The preview for next week shows some kind of drunken shouting match which I'm guessing is heralding the approach of this season's end. Tune in next week to find out what trifle they decide to drunk-fight about next!
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Strep Throat! Bikinis! Camel Toe! Oh, My!
So this week was part one of yet another two-parter wherein the NJ guidos and guidettes get to travel on Bravo's dime outside of their great state in order to...HEAL! Shit, even the Atlanta ladies (fuck, ESPECIALLY the Atlanta ladies) don't need this much out of town lady time. Two trips for these wackos but this time without Dr. Eyetalian Vajayjay. No, this time they've been whisked off to that epicenter of spirituality, Arizona. Just lucky none of them is Hispanic, amiright? Anyhoo, in honor of wife Melissa's b-day, JSTA decided it would be way cool to get the whole gang to join them on a jaunt way out west. Melissa was less than thrilled with the idea, but hubby wasn't buying it. Largely because that's the way the season has been written. One by one the familia were invited and accepted to jet out to Healing Central...some dude ranch whose specialty is spirit "energists" and open doors and windows which, one evening, let a fucking bat into someone's bedroom. Everyone, including the dudes, hid behind pillars screaming like girls while Big Al SR shooed it out with an M-16 that he brought with from The Brownstone. Not really, it was just a broom. Once again, Melissa was deathly ill with something that was making her throat hurt with "the worst pain I have ever felt in MY LIFE!" To this JSTA scoffs, calling bullshit by reminding her that she's had three kids. No, says Melissa, this pain is way worse. Every week and in every way, Melissa is getting my wholehearted vote for most annoying after Jacqueline. And for anyone reading this that knows my feelings on Jacqueline, that is saying something. Speaking of Jacqueline, she, Chris Laurita, Dirty C and Big Al SR are on a later plane from the rest of the bimbo contingent and get waylaid in some airport for a really long time so, yeah, we get to see THAT. Jacqueline's even boring when we're not hearing specifically about her boring-ass, first world "problems".
So they get to Hacienda Healing and everyone retires to their open-air rooms, which, truth be told would NOT work for The ABIB. The ABIB and the great outdoors do not mingle well. I was getting the creepy crawlies just watching people unpack and prepare to sleep in rooms with no screens in the giant windows and no doors. See above: BATS!? Of course, King Douchebag has to make an obnoxious spectacle of himself, and when told to SHUSH that he's walking through the "quiet room", he chooses instead to trumpet out a giant fart. To which Drunk Ass Rosie yells: "JERSEY IN DA HOUSE". Oy. So, right away everyone's headed out to some pool/hot tub gizmo outside of JSTA and Melissa's room, and they are OF COURSE, deep into the vino already and Thereser's doing some seriously butch push-ups in one of her several tiny bathing suits. We hear the voice of (presumably) Juicy Joe in the pool with JSTA, tell her that after all these years she still looks sexy. She girlishly thanks...her husband? her brother? We'll never know but her coy little giggle is way icky considering we all know that Thereser has bigger balls than any man on the show. Hell, she's even got bigger cohones than Dirty C. Yeah, I went there. Well, just about this time King Douchebag enters the picture, with, of course, his wife, the long-suffering Kathy and proceeds, ONCE AGAIN, to out-douchebag himself by warning Melissa, reclining on a chaise lounger and catching some rays, to be careful because the bottom of her tiny bikini is displaying some serious camel toe. Yes, that's what he said in front of HIS wife and Melissa's husband. Melissa, being the numbnut that she is, just tsks gratuitously but doesn't seem at all disturbed by the fact that King Douchebag is looking directly at her twat and announcing it, without a hint of shame, to everyone within earshot. King Douchebag: he's always good for bringing the class and lowering the bar on what is already a gutter-dwelling affair. JSTA splutters some kind of "offense" wondering aloud why KD is looking at his wife's twat, but everyone laughs because this low brow chit chat is right in their wheelhouse. Yay! I should take a shower now...
So, after a day at the pool the rest of the gang finally arrives from their 16 hour trip from HELL and the party swings into serious HIGH HEALING gear. It's now nighttime at the Cozy Corral and the first special guest is some lady who introduces herself as someone who does "energy work". Turns out that means that she's some kind of half-assed medium and starts immediately to fish for hints from the gang about people that have "gone on". At this point I'm picturing a Family Guy episode that parodied the medium shows that used to be on..."I"m getting a "J"...any "J"....how about an "M"? No "M"...well stop me when I get there..A? B? C? D?" You get the picture. This lady is sitting with a group of Italians so she goes for the safe guess..."I'm getting a Maria? Does Maria mean anything to any of you?" In spite of his desperate attempt to remain skeptical with the other manly men, JJ offers that his grandmother was named Maria. The look on the medium's face says it all: "like shooting fish in a barrel". She tells JJ some trifle about how his grandmother is watching over them and blah, blah, blah. Certainly no specifics. Then she turns her focus to King Douchebag and Kathy and asks if there was anyone with a weak heart...heart trouble in the family? King D looks shocked and says that his father died of a heart attack. Again...not to be too cynical here, but is it any wonder that among a group of middle-aged people SOMEONE would have a relative SOMEWHERE in the family tree that had had heart trouble? Sheesh. Anyway, King D got real emotional real fast and before we could say "Bob's Your Uncle" he was sobbing over his deceased father and well, I just didn't know what to do. Fuck, I'm thinking: this is KING DOUCHEBAG and he's crying on TV! Even in his talking head sequence he couldn't continue talking because he was so choked up. The ABIB is nothing if not honest and I'm not proud of myself here, but shit, man, I had to grab for a tissue, folks. Kathy was crying and all the other dudes were looking up and down and side to side, anywhere but directly at KD for fear that they, too, would end up boo hooing on national TV. I mean he's still a total dick but DAMN, he sure did love his father! ABIB's gotta respect. So, the medium got Kathy next, once again invoking the spirit of HER dead father with some vague "details" that apparently were all the proof that Kathy and Drunk Ass Rosie needed to convince them that their Dad was whispering sweet nothings to them through the medium's attentive ear. This brought some more crying and soul searching as Kathy confessed that she had not had a chance to tell her father that, in spite of their differences, she loved him before he died. Yeah, I was about ready for a commercial break at this point. Blessedly I got one.
Next day it's time for a hike and we join Melissa and JSTA in their room where M is chugging down some horse pills and moaning that she's dying and has never, EVER felt pain like this before. As captured above, JSTA's response (which I found very amusing) was basically to call "bullshit" on her and say: whatevs, he's going for a hike in the Arizona cacti. When next we see Melissa, everyone has left her for said hike but she don't care because she's back out on her sun chair slathering on the baby oil to catch some more rays. Cop to it, Melissa: that was SO an act to get rid of everyone because clearly THIS is what you wanted to do all along. Hey, it's your birthday; go for it! Everyone else, including a whining Dirty C, head out into the desert with their hiking guide, who looks eerily like Opie from the Lake George incident, but, whatever. They hike for a little while and then stop at this next spiritual station where a ring of chairs are around a firepit and some new lady spirit guide is waiting for them. Turns out this next ritual is that everyone has to write down something that they want to rid their life of and then put it into the firepit and let it go as it burns up. I gotta be honest with you guys, I really only one quarter watched this part because it was kinda boring, but I did tune in when Jacqueline called Thereser up to stand next to her as she burned up her paper which had something like "resentment and bitterness" written on it. So, Jacqueline has been hinting that she reallllllly missed T, but that she can't reallllllly trust her so much after all the shit that's gone down between them. But, never mind! This little paper burning exercise seals the deal and she and T embrace and alls well again in their world. That is, until Thereser makes the mistake of saying that from now on she (T) wants to be better because when you're shitty to other people it can bring bad karma on your kids. Now actually what I heard was Thereser specifically saying that SHE didn't want HER bad behavior to bring bad karma down onto HER DAUGHTERS. What Jacqueline heard was Thereser alluding that since Jacqueline had been such a shitty bitch, the karma gods cursed her kid with autism. Yeah, she really, really, really heard it go down that way. But I'm here to tell you that it didn't; Jacqueline is a crazy-ass, confused little ninny.
So that's the set up for next week's Arizona storyline: Jacqueline getting Chris all riled up over the imagined slur that Thereser never uttered but which Jacqueline will swear that she heard. Oh yeah, and also: there appears to be some more "healing" with some old dude who has a horse and is asking Big Al SR: "were you abused?" Oh, yeah, it's gonna get all kinda weird up in there. Join me, wont' you?
So they get to Hacienda Healing and everyone retires to their open-air rooms, which, truth be told would NOT work for The ABIB. The ABIB and the great outdoors do not mingle well. I was getting the creepy crawlies just watching people unpack and prepare to sleep in rooms with no screens in the giant windows and no doors. See above: BATS!? Of course, King Douchebag has to make an obnoxious spectacle of himself, and when told to SHUSH that he's walking through the "quiet room", he chooses instead to trumpet out a giant fart. To which Drunk Ass Rosie yells: "JERSEY IN DA HOUSE". Oy. So, right away everyone's headed out to some pool/hot tub gizmo outside of JSTA and Melissa's room, and they are OF COURSE, deep into the vino already and Thereser's doing some seriously butch push-ups in one of her several tiny bathing suits. We hear the voice of (presumably) Juicy Joe in the pool with JSTA, tell her that after all these years she still looks sexy. She girlishly thanks...her husband? her brother? We'll never know but her coy little giggle is way icky considering we all know that Thereser has bigger balls than any man on the show. Hell, she's even got bigger cohones than Dirty C. Yeah, I went there. Well, just about this time King Douchebag enters the picture, with, of course, his wife, the long-suffering Kathy and proceeds, ONCE AGAIN, to out-douchebag himself by warning Melissa, reclining on a chaise lounger and catching some rays, to be careful because the bottom of her tiny bikini is displaying some serious camel toe. Yes, that's what he said in front of HIS wife and Melissa's husband. Melissa, being the numbnut that she is, just tsks gratuitously but doesn't seem at all disturbed by the fact that King Douchebag is looking directly at her twat and announcing it, without a hint of shame, to everyone within earshot. King Douchebag: he's always good for bringing the class and lowering the bar on what is already a gutter-dwelling affair. JSTA splutters some kind of "offense" wondering aloud why KD is looking at his wife's twat, but everyone laughs because this low brow chit chat is right in their wheelhouse. Yay! I should take a shower now...
So, after a day at the pool the rest of the gang finally arrives from their 16 hour trip from HELL and the party swings into serious HIGH HEALING gear. It's now nighttime at the Cozy Corral and the first special guest is some lady who introduces herself as someone who does "energy work". Turns out that means that she's some kind of half-assed medium and starts immediately to fish for hints from the gang about people that have "gone on". At this point I'm picturing a Family Guy episode that parodied the medium shows that used to be on..."I"m getting a "J"...any "J"....how about an "M"? No "M"...well stop me when I get there..A? B? C? D?" You get the picture. This lady is sitting with a group of Italians so she goes for the safe guess..."I'm getting a Maria? Does Maria mean anything to any of you?" In spite of his desperate attempt to remain skeptical with the other manly men, JJ offers that his grandmother was named Maria. The look on the medium's face says it all: "like shooting fish in a barrel". She tells JJ some trifle about how his grandmother is watching over them and blah, blah, blah. Certainly no specifics. Then she turns her focus to King Douchebag and Kathy and asks if there was anyone with a weak heart...heart trouble in the family? King D looks shocked and says that his father died of a heart attack. Again...not to be too cynical here, but is it any wonder that among a group of middle-aged people SOMEONE would have a relative SOMEWHERE in the family tree that had had heart trouble? Sheesh. Anyway, King D got real emotional real fast and before we could say "Bob's Your Uncle" he was sobbing over his deceased father and well, I just didn't know what to do. Fuck, I'm thinking: this is KING DOUCHEBAG and he's crying on TV! Even in his talking head sequence he couldn't continue talking because he was so choked up. The ABIB is nothing if not honest and I'm not proud of myself here, but shit, man, I had to grab for a tissue, folks. Kathy was crying and all the other dudes were looking up and down and side to side, anywhere but directly at KD for fear that they, too, would end up boo hooing on national TV. I mean he's still a total dick but DAMN, he sure did love his father! ABIB's gotta respect. So, the medium got Kathy next, once again invoking the spirit of HER dead father with some vague "details" that apparently were all the proof that Kathy and Drunk Ass Rosie needed to convince them that their Dad was whispering sweet nothings to them through the medium's attentive ear. This brought some more crying and soul searching as Kathy confessed that she had not had a chance to tell her father that, in spite of their differences, she loved him before he died. Yeah, I was about ready for a commercial break at this point. Blessedly I got one.
Next day it's time for a hike and we join Melissa and JSTA in their room where M is chugging down some horse pills and moaning that she's dying and has never, EVER felt pain like this before. As captured above, JSTA's response (which I found very amusing) was basically to call "bullshit" on her and say: whatevs, he's going for a hike in the Arizona cacti. When next we see Melissa, everyone has left her for said hike but she don't care because she's back out on her sun chair slathering on the baby oil to catch some more rays. Cop to it, Melissa: that was SO an act to get rid of everyone because clearly THIS is what you wanted to do all along. Hey, it's your birthday; go for it! Everyone else, including a whining Dirty C, head out into the desert with their hiking guide, who looks eerily like Opie from the Lake George incident, but, whatever. They hike for a little while and then stop at this next spiritual station where a ring of chairs are around a firepit and some new lady spirit guide is waiting for them. Turns out this next ritual is that everyone has to write down something that they want to rid their life of and then put it into the firepit and let it go as it burns up. I gotta be honest with you guys, I really only one quarter watched this part because it was kinda boring, but I did tune in when Jacqueline called Thereser up to stand next to her as she burned up her paper which had something like "resentment and bitterness" written on it. So, Jacqueline has been hinting that she reallllllly missed T, but that she can't reallllllly trust her so much after all the shit that's gone down between them. But, never mind! This little paper burning exercise seals the deal and she and T embrace and alls well again in their world. That is, until Thereser makes the mistake of saying that from now on she (T) wants to be better because when you're shitty to other people it can bring bad karma on your kids. Now actually what I heard was Thereser specifically saying that SHE didn't want HER bad behavior to bring bad karma down onto HER DAUGHTERS. What Jacqueline heard was Thereser alluding that since Jacqueline had been such a shitty bitch, the karma gods cursed her kid with autism. Yeah, she really, really, really heard it go down that way. But I'm here to tell you that it didn't; Jacqueline is a crazy-ass, confused little ninny.
So that's the set up for next week's Arizona storyline: Jacqueline getting Chris all riled up over the imagined slur that Thereser never uttered but which Jacqueline will swear that she heard. Oh yeah, and also: there appears to be some more "healing" with some old dude who has a horse and is asking Big Al SR: "were you abused?" Oh, yeah, it's gonna get all kinda weird up in there. Join me, wont' you?
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
The Tummy Tucking, Double Chin Lifting Calm Before The Bitch Slap Storm
So, once all the manly-men got the Fight Club shit out of their systems and Dr. Vajayjay left in a vaporizing cloud to the strains of Dean Martin crooning “That’s Amore”, everyone returned to their respective palatial estates filled with family love. As if. But seriously, for two EPs we watch as the Guidices and Gorgas join in Big Happy Family dinners with seriously FAKE love for each other’s’ kids and bonding between Tio Joe and Gia over pizza and drag racing where she basically shames him for being a douche to her mother. Awkwaaaard. Oh and I must not be the only viewer totally disengaged from the Laurita’s disabled kid storyline, because we’re also treated to the trumped-up drahma around Jacqueline jetting off to sunny LA to get some much-needed plastic surgery. Now, The ABIB’s feelings about plastic surgery are: unless you’ve been in a disfiguring accident and/or surgical procedure, plastic surgery is about THE most self-centered, narcissistic behavior in which a person can engage and proof that you have way too much money. So, no surprises here, the most boring person on this show needs to manufacture some interest in her boring life for all of us viewers, so she decides that she absolutely MUST have a tummy tuck and a chin lift. Well, all of the other housewives and some of their husbands, are aghast at this news. Jacqueline is GORGEOUS! Jacqueline is CRAZY; she’s too BEAUTIFUL to need plastic surgery! At her age it’s NUTS TO GO UNDER THE KNIFE! OK, ease up motherfuckers, GORGEOUS? Jacqueline? For real? She’s got a nose like a prize fighter, googly eyes and kinda weird shaped lips. Hardly gorgeous. Heck she’s barely attractive. But away she goes to Dr. Knife-Wielder-To-The-Stars, but first she goes shopping with Kathy to buy some sexy pajamas to wear at the hospital. I’m already sick of Jacqueline and this is really just the icing on my rage cake for her. Who’s going to be looking at you and your sexy PJs at the hospital, J? Fucking idiot.
We have heard over and over how stressed out her life is, what with the disabled child, which, again, as I’ve said on this blog before, I’m leaving alone because, well, just because. But they keep shoving it in our faces how STRESSED she is and how OVERWHELMED she is and how she’s ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. Now, I’ve known folks with autistic children and yes, it is a stressor and yes, they do struggle mightily with a myriad of issues around a loved child. But you can’t tell me that someone like pampered housewife Jacqueline Laurita doesn’t have full access to all of the specialized childcare and professional intervention that money can buy. Hey, Jacqueline: try having a disabled child on a waitress’ salary. Maybe then you can cry and moan about how shitty your fucking life is. The ABIB can’t abide these embarrassingly entitled women bitching about how fucking difficult their lives are. Jacqueline: STFU! So, all gussied up with her sexy ‘jams and her much needed break from her dreadfully horrifically stressful life, our little bitch heads out to LA where she is greeted by a much-improved Ashley. Or is it Ashleigh? Or Ashlee? Whatever, little Ash is all growed up and actually behaving…pretty great, I must say. She takes Mom out for dinner the night before surgery, accompanied by her grandparents (J’s parents) where Jacqueline proceeds to slam down tequila shot after tequila shot and eats a plate of some kind of cheesy goo that would choke a rhino. All of which are in direct defiance to her doctor’s orders for what she’s allowed to have in her system heading into this procedure. Ash is distressed; she’s concerned that her mother is submitting willfully to surgery that she doesn’t need and everyone knows that any surgery carries risks. Ash is actually sounding pretty great. Who knew? Stupid-ass Jacqueline doesn’t care; she’s hammered and tomorrow she’s getting X number of pounds of fat and extra skin removed from her midsection so that she can wear a bikini again. Oh woe is Jacqueline…first world problems that even the rest of us first worlders find abhorrent. Then its surgery day and here’s where Bravo really pisses me off. We see the fake surgery set and the fake anesthetized Jacqueline with the fake breathing tube inserted and…how do we know it’s fake? Because the supposedly in-surgery Jacqueline is WEARING A FULL PROFESSIONALLY APPLIED FACE OF MAKEUP!!!
Now the Bravo-constructed “drama” is: OMG!! THE SURGERY IS TAKING LONGER THAN EXPECTED!! IS SHE GOING TO DIE ON THE TABLE SURROUNDED BY HER FAT AND EXCESS SKIN?? DO WE GIVE A RAT’S ASS?? Oh, hell no, because it’s manufactured bullshit. Ho. Have. A. Seat. See this is just plain wrong. To gin up some fake drama around an ELECTIVE SURGERY THAT DOESN’T EVEN FIX SOMETHING WRONG, is an insult to anyone who’s had to endure a surgery because they are actually sick with something. Fuck you, Bravo. And fuck you, Jacqueline you idiotic, narcissistic moronic asshat. See, now I’m completely through with her. Just so you know, dear reader, you will only now hear about Jacqueline in this blog if she is reactive in another storyline because as of right now I am fast-forwarding through any Jacqueline footage. Done and done.
Little Albie’s boyfriend Gregg is moving to San Francisco presumably until the show can find another former hooker to stand in as Little Albie’s “girlfriend” on the show. The last one, a “cheerleader” didn’t work out, I guess, because she showed up and just as quickly was dumped. So, Dirty C throws a farewell party for Gregg and all the usual suspects show up. Dirty C unveils a special gift that she had made for Greggy as a reminder for him of when he and Albie first became “friends”. He unwraps the gift and it’s a custom-made wall hanging that reads: “Take Care of Each Other”. Hmmm….sorry folks, but this is something you’d give to a couple as a wedding gift, amiright? I mean, it’s a lovely sentiment, but WTF? Dirty C also breaks down into wracking sobs as she makes a farewell toast to Greggy and everyone looks kind of uncomfortable and weirded-out at her overwrought display. Dirty C also appears in this EP getting yelled at by Big Albert Sr., to basically say what I’ve been saying to her all the fuck along: STFU! Big Albert is totes annoyed at how DC keeps nagging Little Albie to be more confident and to embrace his hidden greatness. And do exactly what she wants him to do with his life. So there was that. It’s strange that whenever any of the Manzo kids appear in the show they ALL appear in the show and whichever of them aren’t being featured basically sit there like mute statutes staring blankly at the sibling whose storyline is being advanced. They fucking ALWAYS creep me out. All of them.
So there you have it. In the "coming next week" preview we see the newly stomach-stapled and supposedly svelte "Bitch From Hell" Lauren Manzo blowing off her still fat boyfriend Vito when he brings up marriage. Can I say right here and now that I straight up fucking HATE Lauren Manzo? She is everything that is wrong with entitled America. Well, I guess all these assclowns are, actually. Anyway, poor sausage-eating Vito is now ready to get hitched but Lauren, her bored (or is it just dully stupid?) eyes stare mutely at the poor guy and in her coming-next-week talking head shot tells us that she used to want to get married, but now she's so over that stuff. What's the rush? she asks us. To this waste of earth space I say: bitch you better grab this dude while you got the chance because ain't nobody else knocking at your door nor are there likely to be any. To poor Vito I say: Man, you just dodged a MAJOR bullet...now politely excuse yourself and RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE!! But in the real “coming next week” piece we see the fake family happiness between the Guidices and Gorgas beginning to head south. The catalyst is a story appearing in some national rag or other with an exceedingly unflattering (YAY) photo of Melissa on the cover and the headline text proclaiming that “a good friend” has reported that Melissa is cheating on her husband, the little ape that we lovingly know as Joey Still The Ape, JSTA. In the preview Melissa and JSTA and Thereser are at some kind of social event and Melissa is confronting her “friend” Jan who is the source of the nasty story and Jan basically blows her off with a toss of her head and a wave of her hand. In its typical ham-fisted manner, Bravo keeps focusing the camera on Thereser’s face throughout this bitter exchange. Yeah, we get it, Bravo: THERESER IS THE SOURCE!! Heading toward the season finale let the downward spiral of family love begin!
We have heard over and over how stressed out her life is, what with the disabled child, which, again, as I’ve said on this blog before, I’m leaving alone because, well, just because. But they keep shoving it in our faces how STRESSED she is and how OVERWHELMED she is and how she’s ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. Now, I’ve known folks with autistic children and yes, it is a stressor and yes, they do struggle mightily with a myriad of issues around a loved child. But you can’t tell me that someone like pampered housewife Jacqueline Laurita doesn’t have full access to all of the specialized childcare and professional intervention that money can buy. Hey, Jacqueline: try having a disabled child on a waitress’ salary. Maybe then you can cry and moan about how shitty your fucking life is. The ABIB can’t abide these embarrassingly entitled women bitching about how fucking difficult their lives are. Jacqueline: STFU! So, all gussied up with her sexy ‘jams and her much needed break from her dreadfully horrifically stressful life, our little bitch heads out to LA where she is greeted by a much-improved Ashley. Or is it Ashleigh? Or Ashlee? Whatever, little Ash is all growed up and actually behaving…pretty great, I must say. She takes Mom out for dinner the night before surgery, accompanied by her grandparents (J’s parents) where Jacqueline proceeds to slam down tequila shot after tequila shot and eats a plate of some kind of cheesy goo that would choke a rhino. All of which are in direct defiance to her doctor’s orders for what she’s allowed to have in her system heading into this procedure. Ash is distressed; she’s concerned that her mother is submitting willfully to surgery that she doesn’t need and everyone knows that any surgery carries risks. Ash is actually sounding pretty great. Who knew? Stupid-ass Jacqueline doesn’t care; she’s hammered and tomorrow she’s getting X number of pounds of fat and extra skin removed from her midsection so that she can wear a bikini again. Oh woe is Jacqueline…first world problems that even the rest of us first worlders find abhorrent. Then its surgery day and here’s where Bravo really pisses me off. We see the fake surgery set and the fake anesthetized Jacqueline with the fake breathing tube inserted and…how do we know it’s fake? Because the supposedly in-surgery Jacqueline is WEARING A FULL PROFESSIONALLY APPLIED FACE OF MAKEUP!!!
Now the Bravo-constructed “drama” is: OMG!! THE SURGERY IS TAKING LONGER THAN EXPECTED!! IS SHE GOING TO DIE ON THE TABLE SURROUNDED BY HER FAT AND EXCESS SKIN?? DO WE GIVE A RAT’S ASS?? Oh, hell no, because it’s manufactured bullshit. Ho. Have. A. Seat. See this is just plain wrong. To gin up some fake drama around an ELECTIVE SURGERY THAT DOESN’T EVEN FIX SOMETHING WRONG, is an insult to anyone who’s had to endure a surgery because they are actually sick with something. Fuck you, Bravo. And fuck you, Jacqueline you idiotic, narcissistic moronic asshat. See, now I’m completely through with her. Just so you know, dear reader, you will only now hear about Jacqueline in this blog if she is reactive in another storyline because as of right now I am fast-forwarding through any Jacqueline footage. Done and done.
Little Albie’s boyfriend Gregg is moving to San Francisco presumably until the show can find another former hooker to stand in as Little Albie’s “girlfriend” on the show. The last one, a “cheerleader” didn’t work out, I guess, because she showed up and just as quickly was dumped. So, Dirty C throws a farewell party for Gregg and all the usual suspects show up. Dirty C unveils a special gift that she had made for Greggy as a reminder for him of when he and Albie first became “friends”. He unwraps the gift and it’s a custom-made wall hanging that reads: “Take Care of Each Other”. Hmmm….sorry folks, but this is something you’d give to a couple as a wedding gift, amiright? I mean, it’s a lovely sentiment, but WTF? Dirty C also breaks down into wracking sobs as she makes a farewell toast to Greggy and everyone looks kind of uncomfortable and weirded-out at her overwrought display. Dirty C also appears in this EP getting yelled at by Big Albert Sr., to basically say what I’ve been saying to her all the fuck along: STFU! Big Albert is totes annoyed at how DC keeps nagging Little Albie to be more confident and to embrace his hidden greatness. And do exactly what she wants him to do with his life. So there was that. It’s strange that whenever any of the Manzo kids appear in the show they ALL appear in the show and whichever of them aren’t being featured basically sit there like mute statutes staring blankly at the sibling whose storyline is being advanced. They fucking ALWAYS creep me out. All of them.
So there you have it. In the "coming next week" preview we see the newly stomach-stapled and supposedly svelte "Bitch From Hell" Lauren Manzo blowing off her still fat boyfriend Vito when he brings up marriage. Can I say right here and now that I straight up fucking HATE Lauren Manzo? She is everything that is wrong with entitled America. Well, I guess all these assclowns are, actually. Anyway, poor sausage-eating Vito is now ready to get hitched but Lauren, her bored (or is it just dully stupid?) eyes stare mutely at the poor guy and in her coming-next-week talking head shot tells us that she used to want to get married, but now she's so over that stuff. What's the rush? she asks us. To this waste of earth space I say: bitch you better grab this dude while you got the chance because ain't nobody else knocking at your door nor are there likely to be any. To poor Vito I say: Man, you just dodged a MAJOR bullet...now politely excuse yourself and RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE!! But in the real “coming next week” piece we see the fake family happiness between the Guidices and Gorgas beginning to head south. The catalyst is a story appearing in some national rag or other with an exceedingly unflattering (YAY) photo of Melissa on the cover and the headline text proclaiming that “a good friend” has reported that Melissa is cheating on her husband, the little ape that we lovingly know as Joey Still The Ape, JSTA. In the preview Melissa and JSTA and Thereser are at some kind of social event and Melissa is confronting her “friend” Jan who is the source of the nasty story and Jan basically blows her off with a toss of her head and a wave of her hand. In its typical ham-fisted manner, Bravo keeps focusing the camera on Thereser’s face throughout this bitter exchange. Yeah, we get it, Bravo: THERESER IS THE SOURCE!! Heading toward the season finale let the downward spiral of family love begin!
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
The Wrassle At The Castle: Part Three
Most of this episode was listening to Dr. Eyetalian Vajayjay speak quietly to Thereser, JSTA and Melissa using all the active listening skills available to her from her University of Phoenix course in behavioral psychology. Which is to say we heard alot of "I hear what you're saying but..." and..."can you look at Theresa when you say those words?...and..."you guys need more alone time for just the two of you and nobody else." That last one was frankly kinda wierd, but you gotta know what you're going to get when you engage someone who specifically states that her vagina is "all Italian". I gotta say, though, that listening to Thereser describe how she and her mother practically wiped JSTA's ass until he got married told me alot about this somewhat suffocating brother/sister relationship picture that has emerged over the last few seasons. Thereser talked about JSTA more like a son than a brother and the look on his face made me think even more than ever that JSTA is really, really kinda slow mentally. Like without using that bad word that starts with an "r" and has become a denizen of the verbal plutonium list in polite conversation. Not that this blog would EVER pretend to be even remotely polite. But even The ABIB has limits, so...
Anyway, in the space of only one commercial break, Dr. V cured what by all intents and purposes, has been presented to us as long years of built up resentment and outright murderous hostility amongst the Gorgas and Guidices. They families hadn't spoken nor seen each other in 18 months, yet Dr. V and her magical Eyetalian Vajayjay had them all singing Kumbaya (including a grudging Juicy Joe) within 15 minutes. Bravo is SO setting her up for her own show. You heard it here first. Once the crocodile tears were shed and everyone hugged and made nice, Dr. V departed, like Mary Poppins sans umbrella, to her next miraculous cure and/or the film set for her Bravo pilot.
Back in the dining room, those left behind, namely everyone save the Joes, Thereser and Melissa, were steadily drinking their Mimosas and Bloody Marys and morosely conjecturing what was going on upstairs. The best part though, is that Dirty C, who ostensibly raced up to the drama as soon as she got T's call, was left twiddling her thumbs with the rest of the second stringers in the dining room. Why did I love that part, you ask? Because FOR ONCE Dirty C, who supposedly HATES DRAMA yet always inserts herself into the middle of it, was left in the "professional problem solver" wake of Dr. V and her University of Phoenix uber-cred. Yeah, Dirty C, even if Dr. V DID get her "degree" in an online fake "university" at least she got something to show for her pratlling nonsense. HAH!
Now that everyone was all lovey-dovey again, the boys and Drunk Ass Rosie decided to go ice fishing and the girls commenced to cooking and drinking in earnest. Also, hang-dog Kathy was griping under her breath about being left out yet again, of the Thereser "I want to be a fambly" drama because - "hey - ain't I fambly to her?" Sorry, Kath, you may be my favorite but you're just not crazy and/or obnoxious enough to be included in the nut-o-thon swirling around the Gorgas and Guidices. And I know it might hurt but trust me, sister, it's for the best. So the boys head out, with their own hootch, natch; Christ can't any of these fucking goons go for half an hour without drinking? They employ the service of a local ice fisherman to charter them their own private tiptoe through (around?) the frighteningly thin ice - shit some of it was melted down to the water - to their fishing hole. The camera kept capturing his expression, a cross between frightened and doubtful that anyone this stupid could even walk upright, as the boys engaged in what they do best - trash talking and bitching about each other to their faces. JJ taunted JSTA with the question: "You gonna cry again?" For his part JSTA stared dumbly at his bro-in-law but said nothing. Good on you, JSTA - it's 2013; men, even hopped-up-on-steriods goombas like you, are allowed to cry. Hells Bells, even Tony Soprano cried for fucks sake!
Back at the Castle the girls were cooking up a storm, except for Melissa, who announced shortly after the party began that she didn't want to cook, she just wanted to drink. And that she did; Melissa got shit-faced hammered and it was during this sequence, when her guard was drastically lowered by the alcohol, that it became clear to me what a nasty bitch Melissa really is. She always plays the victim card on RHONJ, but honestly she came across as just plain mean and nasty and I've officially benched her down with Dirty C and her pain-in-the-ass kids as the lowest common denominator on this show. Feh.
The boys quickly tired of sitting on the ice and hanging fishing rods into the water below and decided it was time to trudge on back, which they did to the great relief of their "guide". Once back at the Castle they, too, began to binge drink with their women folk and soon everyone was eight sheets to the wind and they decided to play some trust games. Um, why? Because BRAVO WROTE IT THAT WAY, THAT'S WHY! The game they finally landed on (pun intended) was "trust falls". You know the drill, someone has to fall backwards into the arms of another person to prove that they, the falling person, trusts the catching person. Drunk-to the-point-of-word-slurring Melissa insisted that she had to trust fall with Juicy Joe - and be the catcher! Everyone tried mightily to talk her out of it. For one thing, he appears to outweigh her by about 80 pounds and for another thing she was DRUNK and wearing a pair of her ubiquitous stilletto heels. But she would have none of it and soon we were treated to the sight of a drunk JJ falling into an even drunker Melissa and them both crashing to the floor which caused everyone - also trashed - to be delighted at the sight of those two collapsed in a heap on the carpet. Drunk people are cute for about three minutes and then they get really old really fast. Finally Thereser insisted that Dirty C do her trust fall with T as the catcher. Dirty C put up a decently timed fight but T got her way, with one stipulation from Dirty C, namely that Thereser call Jacqueline and make peace. Probably not even realizing in her boozy haze exactly what she was agreeing to, Thereser said "OK". Back Dirty C fell into Thereser's waiting arms and nobody fell down, thereby ending the drunk evening as everyone retreated to their respective rooms. JSTA, continuously needing to prove his manhood, outloud, to everyone, hoisted a loaded Melissa across his shoulders and loudly announced as he headed upstairs that he wasn't going to waste any more time getting some good drunk sex with his wife. Hell she probably wouldn't even remember it. Hmmmm...isn't that called date rape in another sitch? Just sayin'.
So next week we're back to New Jersey and the daily issues plaguing these fretful nimcompoops. Little Town is behind schedule and Dirty C is all back in her kids' shit, especially Little Al, who in the preview, appears to be too serious for her taste. I will conclude with one of my old saws: Dirty C: STFU. See you next week!
Anyway, in the space of only one commercial break, Dr. V cured what by all intents and purposes, has been presented to us as long years of built up resentment and outright murderous hostility amongst the Gorgas and Guidices. They families hadn't spoken nor seen each other in 18 months, yet Dr. V and her magical Eyetalian Vajayjay had them all singing Kumbaya (including a grudging Juicy Joe) within 15 minutes. Bravo is SO setting her up for her own show. You heard it here first. Once the crocodile tears were shed and everyone hugged and made nice, Dr. V departed, like Mary Poppins sans umbrella, to her next miraculous cure and/or the film set for her Bravo pilot.
Back in the dining room, those left behind, namely everyone save the Joes, Thereser and Melissa, were steadily drinking their Mimosas and Bloody Marys and morosely conjecturing what was going on upstairs. The best part though, is that Dirty C, who ostensibly raced up to the drama as soon as she got T's call, was left twiddling her thumbs with the rest of the second stringers in the dining room. Why did I love that part, you ask? Because FOR ONCE Dirty C, who supposedly HATES DRAMA yet always inserts herself into the middle of it, was left in the "professional problem solver" wake of Dr. V and her University of Phoenix uber-cred. Yeah, Dirty C, even if Dr. V DID get her "degree" in an online fake "university" at least she got something to show for her pratlling nonsense. HAH!
Now that everyone was all lovey-dovey again, the boys and Drunk Ass Rosie decided to go ice fishing and the girls commenced to cooking and drinking in earnest. Also, hang-dog Kathy was griping under her breath about being left out yet again, of the Thereser "I want to be a fambly" drama because - "hey - ain't I fambly to her?" Sorry, Kath, you may be my favorite but you're just not crazy and/or obnoxious enough to be included in the nut-o-thon swirling around the Gorgas and Guidices. And I know it might hurt but trust me, sister, it's for the best. So the boys head out, with their own hootch, natch; Christ can't any of these fucking goons go for half an hour without drinking? They employ the service of a local ice fisherman to charter them their own private tiptoe through (around?) the frighteningly thin ice - shit some of it was melted down to the water - to their fishing hole. The camera kept capturing his expression, a cross between frightened and doubtful that anyone this stupid could even walk upright, as the boys engaged in what they do best - trash talking and bitching about each other to their faces. JJ taunted JSTA with the question: "You gonna cry again?" For his part JSTA stared dumbly at his bro-in-law but said nothing. Good on you, JSTA - it's 2013; men, even hopped-up-on-steriods goombas like you, are allowed to cry. Hells Bells, even Tony Soprano cried for fucks sake!
Back at the Castle the girls were cooking up a storm, except for Melissa, who announced shortly after the party began that she didn't want to cook, she just wanted to drink. And that she did; Melissa got shit-faced hammered and it was during this sequence, when her guard was drastically lowered by the alcohol, that it became clear to me what a nasty bitch Melissa really is. She always plays the victim card on RHONJ, but honestly she came across as just plain mean and nasty and I've officially benched her down with Dirty C and her pain-in-the-ass kids as the lowest common denominator on this show. Feh.
The boys quickly tired of sitting on the ice and hanging fishing rods into the water below and decided it was time to trudge on back, which they did to the great relief of their "guide". Once back at the Castle they, too, began to binge drink with their women folk and soon everyone was eight sheets to the wind and they decided to play some trust games. Um, why? Because BRAVO WROTE IT THAT WAY, THAT'S WHY! The game they finally landed on (pun intended) was "trust falls". You know the drill, someone has to fall backwards into the arms of another person to prove that they, the falling person, trusts the catching person. Drunk-to the-point-of-word-slurring Melissa insisted that she had to trust fall with Juicy Joe - and be the catcher! Everyone tried mightily to talk her out of it. For one thing, he appears to outweigh her by about 80 pounds and for another thing she was DRUNK and wearing a pair of her ubiquitous stilletto heels. But she would have none of it and soon we were treated to the sight of a drunk JJ falling into an even drunker Melissa and them both crashing to the floor which caused everyone - also trashed - to be delighted at the sight of those two collapsed in a heap on the carpet. Drunk people are cute for about three minutes and then they get really old really fast. Finally Thereser insisted that Dirty C do her trust fall with T as the catcher. Dirty C put up a decently timed fight but T got her way, with one stipulation from Dirty C, namely that Thereser call Jacqueline and make peace. Probably not even realizing in her boozy haze exactly what she was agreeing to, Thereser said "OK". Back Dirty C fell into Thereser's waiting arms and nobody fell down, thereby ending the drunk evening as everyone retreated to their respective rooms. JSTA, continuously needing to prove his manhood, outloud, to everyone, hoisted a loaded Melissa across his shoulders and loudly announced as he headed upstairs that he wasn't going to waste any more time getting some good drunk sex with his wife. Hell she probably wouldn't even remember it. Hmmmm...isn't that called date rape in another sitch? Just sayin'.
So next week we're back to New Jersey and the daily issues plaguing these fretful nimcompoops. Little Town is behind schedule and Dirty C is all back in her kids' shit, especially Little Al, who in the preview, appears to be too serious for her taste. I will conclude with one of my old saws: Dirty C: STFU. See you next week!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
The Wrassle At The Castle: Part Two
Here's what happened:
drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drinkdrink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,
Then, from last week's ending preview:
Thereser: GROW SOME BALLS AND STICK WITH YA BLOOD!
JSTA: I AIN'T GONNA STICK WITH SCUM LIKE YOU!
Thereser: JOE! HE CALLED ME SCUM; WE'RE GETTIN' OUTTA HERE!
JJ: IMMA MAKE HIM APOLOGIZE!! JJ chugs his drink, storms back into the "ballroom" and DEMANDS that JSTA "APOLOGIZE"!! And then:
punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch,screech, screech, screech, screech, sreech, screech, screech, screech, screech, screech, screech, screech, screech, everyone getting some icky black shit all over their hands and shirts and basically anywhere that touched the punch, punch, punch, punch...and you get the picture.
JSTA: So turns out I use black dye on my head to make it look like I got more hair than I do. Looks like it got all over everything. HAH!
In between all of the punching and drinking and screeching Opie and Little Miss Sunshine took the fuck off. All the crazies retreated to their respective rooms where they continued drinking and cussing out everyone and packing and getting the fuck out of there. Melissa was A Stripper On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown and JSTA COULD NOT stop crying and JJ and Thereser got into their hot tub and ORDERED ROOM SERVICE. And started telling all the viewers what they were going to do to each other and well, in the middle of this already beyond horrific sitch, here comes the poor, poor room service delivery guy and they say: COME IN! And in he comes with their crappy-ass pink champagne and I'm guessing that's a scene he won't be able to scrub from his memory without lots of drugs and/or couch time. He slinks back out and again they start with the sexy talk and JJ tells Thereser that he's gonna go at her HARD and Thereser says she don't like it that way, but he says he's gonna go at her HARD and she says she don't like it HARD and...well that's beyond enough of THAT. But hey, I had to watch it so now I have to share it.
Back in the Wakile's room, Kathy and King Douchebag and Drunk Ass Rosie are doing a decent read of the Bravo scripted lines wherein they appear to be plotting how they're going to get everyone to stick around that night. As if ANYONE is fucking leaving that fucking castle. So, King Douchebag heads over to the Gorga room and "gets Melissa and JSTA to agree to staying the night". Yeah, right. So here we are...everyone safe in their little castle room for the rest of the night. As if there was EVER any doubt. Oh, and Thereser called Dirty C so she's driving on up to the Adirondyke Mount-ins to work her old-harpy-stating-the- obvious magic and saving the Gorga/Guidice Vortex of Dysfunction from themselves and each other. Lauren "Bad Mood" Manzo gets all Mafiosa when Dirty C tells her how Thereser has called to beg Dirty C to head up to Lake George. Bad Mood, with a straight face asks:
What if this is a plot to kill you?
For the record, that line, delivered with all the seriousness of a death threat, made me laugh out loud. It also proves my theory since Season One that all these guidos and guidettes are low level mob operatives. Dirty C don't care; she's making the four hour drive, or ride, as these morons are all carted around now in nameless black SUVs by nameless invisible drivers, up to the Castle to save the day in her own bossy style.
Next day everyone wakes up hungover but blessedly free of JSTA's black shoe polish hair goop and they stagger downstairs to an awwwwwkwaaaaard breakfast. But before too long here's the front door knocker and who should appear out of yet another gigantic black SUV, DOCTOR V! Out she steps in a black mini that barely manages to cover her ass, a fluffy vest that appears to be made of mink, black sheer stockings and black stilletto boots and a gigantic pair of very black sunglasses. Dr V appears to be another in a string of barely disguised hookers that float amongst the Bravo Real Housewives franchise. That or another character who is about to launch yet another Bravo franchise: Dr V: Therapist To The Rich and Tacky. Anyhoo, Thereser answers the door and after a big old hug, Dr. V tells her not to let the blonde hair fool her...she's all Italian..,just ask her ITALIAN VAJAYJAY! Thereser gives her another hug and how that she knows that Dr. V is a true, blue pisana, with a true blue Italian vagina, things are gonna be A-OK.
The therapy and much-touted "healing" is set to begin next week and we get a sneak peek at said "healing" with a troublesome focus on Thereser's ugly crying face. Because as anyone who's been watching this show can tell you, Thereser is a really, really, really ugly cryer. And Melissa is about to get served...a big, hot plate of brother/sister reconciliation which I'm guessing is going to go over like a dutch oven in bed with King Douchebag. Sorry, that's too gross even for The ABIB. Stay tuned.
drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drinkdrink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,
Then, from last week's ending preview:
Thereser: GROW SOME BALLS AND STICK WITH YA BLOOD!
JSTA: I AIN'T GONNA STICK WITH SCUM LIKE YOU!
Thereser: JOE! HE CALLED ME SCUM; WE'RE GETTIN' OUTTA HERE!
JJ: IMMA MAKE HIM APOLOGIZE!! JJ chugs his drink, storms back into the "ballroom" and DEMANDS that JSTA "APOLOGIZE"!! And then:
punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch,screech, screech, screech, screech, sreech, screech, screech, screech, screech, screech, screech, screech, screech, everyone getting some icky black shit all over their hands and shirts and basically anywhere that touched the punch, punch, punch, punch...and you get the picture.
JSTA: So turns out I use black dye on my head to make it look like I got more hair than I do. Looks like it got all over everything. HAH!
In between all of the punching and drinking and screeching Opie and Little Miss Sunshine took the fuck off. All the crazies retreated to their respective rooms where they continued drinking and cussing out everyone and packing and getting the fuck out of there. Melissa was A Stripper On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown and JSTA COULD NOT stop crying and JJ and Thereser got into their hot tub and ORDERED ROOM SERVICE. And started telling all the viewers what they were going to do to each other and well, in the middle of this already beyond horrific sitch, here comes the poor, poor room service delivery guy and they say: COME IN! And in he comes with their crappy-ass pink champagne and I'm guessing that's a scene he won't be able to scrub from his memory without lots of drugs and/or couch time. He slinks back out and again they start with the sexy talk and JJ tells Thereser that he's gonna go at her HARD and Thereser says she don't like it that way, but he says he's gonna go at her HARD and she says she don't like it HARD and...well that's beyond enough of THAT. But hey, I had to watch it so now I have to share it.
Back in the Wakile's room, Kathy and King Douchebag and Drunk Ass Rosie are doing a decent read of the Bravo scripted lines wherein they appear to be plotting how they're going to get everyone to stick around that night. As if ANYONE is fucking leaving that fucking castle. So, King Douchebag heads over to the Gorga room and "gets Melissa and JSTA to agree to staying the night". Yeah, right. So here we are...everyone safe in their little castle room for the rest of the night. As if there was EVER any doubt. Oh, and Thereser called Dirty C so she's driving on up to the Adirondyke Mount-ins to work her old-harpy-stating-the- obvious magic and saving the Gorga/Guidice Vortex of Dysfunction from themselves and each other. Lauren "Bad Mood" Manzo gets all Mafiosa when Dirty C tells her how Thereser has called to beg Dirty C to head up to Lake George. Bad Mood, with a straight face asks:
What if this is a plot to kill you?
For the record, that line, delivered with all the seriousness of a death threat, made me laugh out loud. It also proves my theory since Season One that all these guidos and guidettes are low level mob operatives. Dirty C don't care; she's making the four hour drive, or ride, as these morons are all carted around now in nameless black SUVs by nameless invisible drivers, up to the Castle to save the day in her own bossy style.
Next day everyone wakes up hungover but blessedly free of JSTA's black shoe polish hair goop and they stagger downstairs to an awwwwwkwaaaaard breakfast. But before too long here's the front door knocker and who should appear out of yet another gigantic black SUV, DOCTOR V! Out she steps in a black mini that barely manages to cover her ass, a fluffy vest that appears to be made of mink, black sheer stockings and black stilletto boots and a gigantic pair of very black sunglasses. Dr V appears to be another in a string of barely disguised hookers that float amongst the Bravo Real Housewives franchise. That or another character who is about to launch yet another Bravo franchise: Dr V: Therapist To The Rich and Tacky. Anyhoo, Thereser answers the door and after a big old hug, Dr. V tells her not to let the blonde hair fool her...she's all Italian..,just ask her ITALIAN VAJAYJAY! Thereser gives her another hug and how that she knows that Dr. V is a true, blue pisana, with a true blue Italian vagina, things are gonna be A-OK.
The therapy and much-touted "healing" is set to begin next week and we get a sneak peek at said "healing" with a troublesome focus on Thereser's ugly crying face. Because as anyone who's been watching this show can tell you, Thereser is a really, really, really ugly cryer. And Melissa is about to get served...a big, hot plate of brother/sister reconciliation which I'm guessing is going to go over like a dutch oven in bed with King Douchebag. Sorry, that's too gross even for The ABIB. Stay tuned.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Random Thoughts
OK, heres what I got from a 30 second commercial for the movie RED 2. Old people blowing shit up and Helen Mirren karate chopping younger men in the throat. Apparently RED stands for Retired Extremely Dangerous and there’s already been one hence the number two attached to this one. Yippee. Helicopters cartwheeling into the camera, old bald guys looking totally insane and Mary Louise Parker from Fried Green Tomatoes and Weeds, appears to be their...what? Handler? Adult diaper changer? Bruce Willis (age 58) is the youngster in the crew that includes John Malkovitch, Helen Mirren and Hannibal Lechter aka Sir Anthony Hopkins. What fucking demographic is this film aimed at exactly? Presumably someone like me, but I wouldn't watch it for free. I mean if I'm going to endure some mindless moronic explosion - car flipping bullshit I at least want to see some young eye candy. Certainly not old ass John Malkovitch in a ridiculous Bruno Mars fedora. Or Helen Mirren mincing around like we're supposed to buy into the premise that its OK because she looks awesome for an old broad. The operative word here is OLD. Because she's still fucking OLD. And what's Anthony Hopkins doing here? He's a "Sir" for Christ sake. Shouldn't he be sporting outrageously opulent costumery and quoting Shakespeare on a stage somewhere? Catherine Zeta Jones, looking like she raided the wig stash from Chicago, appears to be Bruce's sultry love interest. Nobody's going to fucking believe that; he's way too young for her demonstrated taste in men.
Loreal has officially run out of product names with the emergence of something called Miracle Blur. Honestly, Loreal...Miracle Blur? It doesn't even sound like a cosmetic. It sounds like some household cleaning agent: SENSATIONAL NEW MIRACLE BLUR WILL GET RID OF ANY TOUGH STAIN YOUR FAMILY CAN THINK OF! WITH OUR AMAZING NEW BLUR TECHNOLOGY STAINS APPEAR TO DISAPPEAR RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES! Cue to woman gazing with adoring wonder as MIRACLE BLUR in a convenient spray bottle causes her kids' muddy hand prints to disappear. So yeah, I'm thinking, does any woman, of any age, want her makeup to blur her face? And miraculously, no less. Wouldnt it be better if the product blurred the view of those LOOKING at your face? Back to the Loreal Name-O-Changer, guys.
Tina Fey is shilling hair dye. WTF? Tina, babe, your comedic/feminist/all round kick-ass broad cred is in serious jeopardy. Garnier Nutrisse. Again with the Loreal. You know who did this before you? Sarah Jessica Parker. Now from her we expect this kind of shallow, trifling money-grab-at-all-costs-to-my-image. Because, let's face it, HER image, built on Carrie Bradshaw, likely THE most insufferable, narcissistic, annoying bitch ever broadcast into peoples homes, was already fucked. But you, Tina? Liz Lemon? The everywoman heroine to every single lady who had to wear a bathing suit as underwear because she had no clean ones left? For Liz Lemon to resort to this kind of wholesale rejection of the natural aging process...a shanda! Now I'm not so stupid as to be unable to disentangle Tina Fey from Liz Lemon (even though by your own admission she was built largely on YOU), but this girly, hair dye-shilling person doesn't appear in your best selling book, either, and presumably that IS you. And surely its not for the money; you're financially set into the grandchildren generation. So what, Tina? Are you telling us that all of your second gen feminist grrrrl power crap is just that, crap? Well this disappointed fan has one thing to say to that: BLERG!
A new commercial for peanut butter Pop tarts is disturbing on multiple levels. First of all, food that is alive is ALWAYS fucked up and in this commercial a live Pop Tart is trapped in what appears to be quicksand, but there is some kind of makeshift sign posted next to the body of...whatever...labeled "Spa". So clearly the Pop Tart was lured to this sticky death trap through craven false pretense. It struggles mightily, its creepy anthropomorphic "face" twisted in terror. Suddenly a random breeze dislodges the "Spa" sign to reveal another sign beneath that reads: "Peanut Butter". The Tart realizes that it is actually trapped in a pool of peanut butter. Whew! The Tart eats its way out in three huge gulps, happy to be free and full of gooey, delicious peanut butter. Unfortunately just outside of the frame a freakish stick figure "human" is reclining on a pool-side chaise lounge tying a bib around its stick neck and eyeing the now peanut butter-filled Pop Tart hungrily. Oddly, the predator is less well defined artistically than its soon-to-be prey. When the Tart catches sight of the fork and knife wielding "human" his "face" collapses into utter despair as he realizes his life is about to end in slow, gory fashion. We also simultaneously realize that this monstrous human-ish thing is the one who has created the fake "Spa" to lure the unsuspecting Pop Tart to it's ultimate demise-through-being eaten. Reminds me of Shelob from The Lord of the Rings. Absolutely chilling. Human as ultimate predator of breakfast pastry with a particularly sadistic twist. So, let's see what we've learned here:
1. A formerly trapped and terrified item of living toaster pastry with a human face, has managed to cheat death by asphyxiation only to be confronted almost immediately by its imminent death by being eaten alive.
2. The salivating, "Spa" poolside stick figure "human" is about to eat the body of a living entity BECAUSE its digestive system is filled with peanut butter that has already begun to decompose as consumed food is wont to do.
There you have it! Who fucking writes this ghoulish shit, Stephen King? Nietzsche through a Ouija board? I mean maybe at 3:00 AM this is the kind of surreal weirdness that makes stoned college kids trek out to the nearest 7/11 in the hunt for a must-have peanut butter Pop Tart. But its airing in July. On a Saturday afternoon. Hell, the story alone in this macabre 15 seconds - that hope is fleeting and struggle leads ultimately to dire destruction - makes me wonder for our species because this dark message is, after all, selling something as innocent as a breakfast/snack food. What's next? Talking cows? Oh wait! They already did that in a series of talking Valley Girl cow commercials shilling dairy products. In one she's trash talking while in the shower wearing a pink shower cap. At least her human TV "family" doesnt ultimately carve her into steaks for the freezer. Also, not to be counted out: the commercial for Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal wherein the little cereal pieces actually EAT EACH OTHER WHILE FLOATING IN A BOWL OF MILK! Again, with faces...cereal with faces eating each other as proof to us of how irresistable they are. "Look gullible human food consumers! We are so desirable and tasty that even WE can't resist eating our fellow cereal comrades in the fight-to-the-death pool of milk that is your morning breakfast cereal!" I don't know about you, but I'm gonna think twice before I bite into another fucking Pop Tart.
Loreal has officially run out of product names with the emergence of something called Miracle Blur. Honestly, Loreal...Miracle Blur? It doesn't even sound like a cosmetic. It sounds like some household cleaning agent: SENSATIONAL NEW MIRACLE BLUR WILL GET RID OF ANY TOUGH STAIN YOUR FAMILY CAN THINK OF! WITH OUR AMAZING NEW BLUR TECHNOLOGY STAINS APPEAR TO DISAPPEAR RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES! Cue to woman gazing with adoring wonder as MIRACLE BLUR in a convenient spray bottle causes her kids' muddy hand prints to disappear. So yeah, I'm thinking, does any woman, of any age, want her makeup to blur her face? And miraculously, no less. Wouldnt it be better if the product blurred the view of those LOOKING at your face? Back to the Loreal Name-O-Changer, guys.
Tina Fey is shilling hair dye. WTF? Tina, babe, your comedic/feminist/all round kick-ass broad cred is in serious jeopardy. Garnier Nutrisse. Again with the Loreal. You know who did this before you? Sarah Jessica Parker. Now from her we expect this kind of shallow, trifling money-grab-at-all-costs-to-my-image. Because, let's face it, HER image, built on Carrie Bradshaw, likely THE most insufferable, narcissistic, annoying bitch ever broadcast into peoples homes, was already fucked. But you, Tina? Liz Lemon? The everywoman heroine to every single lady who had to wear a bathing suit as underwear because she had no clean ones left? For Liz Lemon to resort to this kind of wholesale rejection of the natural aging process...a shanda! Now I'm not so stupid as to be unable to disentangle Tina Fey from Liz Lemon (even though by your own admission she was built largely on YOU), but this girly, hair dye-shilling person doesn't appear in your best selling book, either, and presumably that IS you. And surely its not for the money; you're financially set into the grandchildren generation. So what, Tina? Are you telling us that all of your second gen feminist grrrrl power crap is just that, crap? Well this disappointed fan has one thing to say to that: BLERG!
A new commercial for peanut butter Pop tarts is disturbing on multiple levels. First of all, food that is alive is ALWAYS fucked up and in this commercial a live Pop Tart is trapped in what appears to be quicksand, but there is some kind of makeshift sign posted next to the body of...whatever...labeled "Spa". So clearly the Pop Tart was lured to this sticky death trap through craven false pretense. It struggles mightily, its creepy anthropomorphic "face" twisted in terror. Suddenly a random breeze dislodges the "Spa" sign to reveal another sign beneath that reads: "Peanut Butter". The Tart realizes that it is actually trapped in a pool of peanut butter. Whew! The Tart eats its way out in three huge gulps, happy to be free and full of gooey, delicious peanut butter. Unfortunately just outside of the frame a freakish stick figure "human" is reclining on a pool-side chaise lounge tying a bib around its stick neck and eyeing the now peanut butter-filled Pop Tart hungrily. Oddly, the predator is less well defined artistically than its soon-to-be prey. When the Tart catches sight of the fork and knife wielding "human" his "face" collapses into utter despair as he realizes his life is about to end in slow, gory fashion. We also simultaneously realize that this monstrous human-ish thing is the one who has created the fake "Spa" to lure the unsuspecting Pop Tart to it's ultimate demise-through-being eaten. Reminds me of Shelob from The Lord of the Rings. Absolutely chilling. Human as ultimate predator of breakfast pastry with a particularly sadistic twist. So, let's see what we've learned here:
1. A formerly trapped and terrified item of living toaster pastry with a human face, has managed to cheat death by asphyxiation only to be confronted almost immediately by its imminent death by being eaten alive.
2. The salivating, "Spa" poolside stick figure "human" is about to eat the body of a living entity BECAUSE its digestive system is filled with peanut butter that has already begun to decompose as consumed food is wont to do.
There you have it! Who fucking writes this ghoulish shit, Stephen King? Nietzsche through a Ouija board? I mean maybe at 3:00 AM this is the kind of surreal weirdness that makes stoned college kids trek out to the nearest 7/11 in the hunt for a must-have peanut butter Pop Tart. But its airing in July. On a Saturday afternoon. Hell, the story alone in this macabre 15 seconds - that hope is fleeting and struggle leads ultimately to dire destruction - makes me wonder for our species because this dark message is, after all, selling something as innocent as a breakfast/snack food. What's next? Talking cows? Oh wait! They already did that in a series of talking Valley Girl cow commercials shilling dairy products. In one she's trash talking while in the shower wearing a pink shower cap. At least her human TV "family" doesnt ultimately carve her into steaks for the freezer. Also, not to be counted out: the commercial for Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal wherein the little cereal pieces actually EAT EACH OTHER WHILE FLOATING IN A BOWL OF MILK! Again, with faces...cereal with faces eating each other as proof to us of how irresistable they are. "Look gullible human food consumers! We are so desirable and tasty that even WE can't resist eating our fellow cereal comrades in the fight-to-the-death pool of milk that is your morning breakfast cereal!" I don't know about you, but I'm gonna think twice before I bite into another fucking Pop Tart.
Those Goofy-Ass Boy Scouts Just Keep Getting Shittier
So there was this in the news today: some 30,000 boy scouts and 7,000 adults have descended on southern West Virginia for the annual Boy Scouts Jamboree. A wild week of hiking, riding the rapids and zip lining out in wild, wonderful West Virginia with several thousand of your closest paramilitary buddies. Unless you don't make the cut-off for body mass index, or BMI. Yep; fatties need not apply. At least those deemed such by the Boy Scouts "rigorous guidelines". Yeah, you chubby scouts can sing Kumbaya around your own segregated fatty campfires. What a bunch of fucked up morons the BSA are. It wasn't enough to exclude gays from their little, all-manly-men-all-the-time knot-tying club, now they're getting into the shame business for those who don't fit their Hitler Youth physical specifications. Any parent who enrolls their kid in this horrible organization should be visited by child social services. Oh, and BSA? Have a Twinkie and chill the hell out. Better yet: Go fuck yourselves.
The Wrassle At The Castle: Part One
Frankly, folks, there's not much to report on this, the first EP up at the Healing/Meditation/Confrontation Junction Castle at Lake George in the Adirondyke Mount-ins. Here's what went down: first we visit Chez Gorga where Melissa and JSTA are packing for the confrontational/healing-da-family weekend. But first we watch as Melissa and JSTA urge their three children with the cry: "strippers in da house!". This is directly followed by Melissa demonstrating to her kids exactly how that's done and them following closely in Mommy's hip-swaying footsteps. OK, Melissa, now you're just fucking with us. It's actually kind of icky, especially the look on the little girl's face which is a cross between "I want to please Mommy and Daddy but this makes me feel bad inside". Yeah, honey; makes us feel bad to watch. So that's all that happens: packing and faux stripping. A typical day at Chez Gorga! Of course, we're also treated to the two adults pre-bashing Thereser and JJ, clearly voicing their expectations that nothing of any value is going to come of this weekend, basically because T's a sociopathic troublemaker unable to take responsibility for anything deemed trouble. Yeah, we kinda knew that, too. Soooo....
Over to the Guidice residence where packing is also underway and T's daughter Milania appears to be having some kind of spell. Gia is on the couch, all 12 years of her, trying to text and her younger sister is going all cray-cray and...I'm increasingly feeling sorry for Gia who is having to go through her adolescence and teen years in this over-exposed lunatic asylum. Hang in there, girl; college is only six years away if you're lucky. JJ gets home from wherever he's been (but it's made him "really tired") and Thereser starts in on the upcoming healing weekend with her typical Thereser bloviation about her "brotha" and how she wants to "be a family again" and OMG I CANNOT BE THE ONLY PERSON WATCHING THIS THAT HAS SAID ENOUGH WITH THE GORGA/GUIDICE FAMILY DRAMA!. I mean, Bravo's been hoofing this story for like three seasons now and it's offically worn out. Who really gives a flying fuck if Thereser and JSTA ever reconcile? I don't think THEY even care at this point. But Bravo keeps trotting out this plotline and sucker that I am, I keep tuning in. Anyway that's all that happened at the Guidices: packing and talking shit. Oh, and at Thereser's urging, JJ played "monster" with his kids. Christ you need a wake up alarm for this crap.
Next the Wakile's and....packing! Alrighty, then!
Blessedly neither Jacqueline nor Dirty C and their respective spouses are attending this weekend at the lake. But! It's in their contracts that they do have to get a minimum amount of screen time each week so we have to check in on them both. First to Dirty C and Al SR who are all bundled up and visiting some park in North Jersey that Al SR's Dad had something to do with. Frankly, in spite of Al SR's clunky exposition about what exactly that was, I still don't know. And that's OK, because I couldn't give a rat's ass. Anyway, there's some big footbridge high over a ravine and Big Al SR insists that Dirty C walk across it with him. She is in no way happy about this for some unknown reason: the bridge looks pretty sound. Maybe she has a thing about heights. Whatever. He prods and prods and finally she makes a dash for it across the bridge, screaming in mock fear (or maybe real fear, ABIB can only hope) and makes it to the other side. Big Al SR gives her shit about it but then they cuddle in the lightly falling snow and Big AL SR promises to try and ratchet down his work schedule so that they can, as Dirty C insists, "enjoy their retirement". Uh, sorry, Dirty C, but what the fuck did YOU retire from? Bossing your children and mercilessly meddling in the lives of your friends and extended family is NOT a career, so...(per my usual Dirty C rejoinder) STFU.
Finally the Wrasslers are on their way to the Castle; the Gorgas, Wakiles and Drunk Ass Rosie in a big party bus and the Guidices being driven by...some unseen person in a big, black SUV. In the voice over we hear Thereser happily chirp that she can't wait to get to the Catskills. Hmmmmm....no surprise here, but our Thereser is not exactly a geography buff; Lake George, as WE all know by now, is in the Adirondyke Mount-ins. Thereser and JJ get there first but are shortly joined by the bus crew. It's already tense as each party adjourns to their own room to begin drinking and bitching about everyone else. I'm watching this and the thought occured to me: Hey! Maybe don't supply alcohol to this already unstable gang of maniacs? They're up there to get their consciousness raised; is getting hammered really the best approach? Anyway, they join in the dining room for lunch and silence ensues until someone...Thereser? JSTA? Melissa? starts in with some kind of verbal jab and within moments they're at each others' throats with the sniping and the accusations. Oy, so tiresome. Finally the "team builders" arrive, a young couple who ostensibly do this professionally but I'm with Kathy when she queries in her talking head segment: "Are you kidding me? How are Opie and Little Miss Sunshine going to help this group?" I hear you, sister and I totes agree.
The group adjourns to a ballroom where Opie and Little Miss Sunshine have set up a rope on the floor arrayed in a big circle. King Douchebag immediately asks who is getting hanged today. Always the kidder that KD. Fucking fish-lipped moron. Turns out the rope circle is a physical set up for some kind of trust/bonding exercise utilizing the principles of the game Twister. The group engages but nothing really changes (BIG FUCKING SURPRISE) and then something or other comes up and the angry accusations begin in earnest. Opie tries gamely to take back what little control he had of these nutjobs but, hey: Opes: wrap it up, brother and get the fuck out of there, these people are about to get all crazy up in here. Surriously. Little Miss Sunshine can only stare mutely at the escalating craziness, a strange half-smile on her face. Little Miss Sunshine has clearly checked out.
At one point Melissa is on her knees in front of Thereser begging "the queen" to PUHLEEEEEZE stop hurting her family. Prediction: next season Melissa will be trying her hand at acting as her bored housewife activity. Anyway, she's begging and pleading for Thereser to stop hurting her family and Thereser just keeps on shouting her epithets, the same, old crap we've heard from her for...well...forever. But then she challenges her brotha to "stick with your blood" and JSTA tells her, "I'm not sticking with scum like you." Ouch. Thereser storms out (OF COURSE) and, in her storming pathway stand JJ and Drunk Ass Rosie getting drunk on some kind of brown liquid, my money's on scotch, DAR's poison of choice. Thereser screams as she approaches that her brotha just called her scum and that's all it takes for a tanked-on-scotch-and-steriods JJ to storm into the ballroom with the intention of getting JSTA "to apologize". Hooooo boy! No surprise, that little encounter doesn't go too well and we see the scene that was teased at the beginning of the season, basically JJ and JSTA pounding on each other with everyone trying (RIGHT) to separate them. The EP ends with Thereser running outside screaming "CALL THE POLICE!"
So next week I'm guessing someone will be going to Lake George jail when Sheriff Andy of Mayberry and Barney Fife show up. Oh and I actually forgot to tell you about the quick visit this week to the Laurita's. Hubby stopped by for lunch and Jacqueline told him how glad she was that they were'nt invited to the retreat, he demanded and she made him "some sausage", he ate it, she said "no quickie?", he said "no" and got the fuck out of there. Tune in next week, folks for round two of the Wrassle At The Castle!
Over to the Guidice residence where packing is also underway and T's daughter Milania appears to be having some kind of spell. Gia is on the couch, all 12 years of her, trying to text and her younger sister is going all cray-cray and...I'm increasingly feeling sorry for Gia who is having to go through her adolescence and teen years in this over-exposed lunatic asylum. Hang in there, girl; college is only six years away if you're lucky. JJ gets home from wherever he's been (but it's made him "really tired") and Thereser starts in on the upcoming healing weekend with her typical Thereser bloviation about her "brotha" and how she wants to "be a family again" and OMG I CANNOT BE THE ONLY PERSON WATCHING THIS THAT HAS SAID ENOUGH WITH THE GORGA/GUIDICE FAMILY DRAMA!. I mean, Bravo's been hoofing this story for like three seasons now and it's offically worn out. Who really gives a flying fuck if Thereser and JSTA ever reconcile? I don't think THEY even care at this point. But Bravo keeps trotting out this plotline and sucker that I am, I keep tuning in. Anyway that's all that happened at the Guidices: packing and talking shit. Oh, and at Thereser's urging, JJ played "monster" with his kids. Christ you need a wake up alarm for this crap.
Next the Wakile's and....packing! Alrighty, then!
Blessedly neither Jacqueline nor Dirty C and their respective spouses are attending this weekend at the lake. But! It's in their contracts that they do have to get a minimum amount of screen time each week so we have to check in on them both. First to Dirty C and Al SR who are all bundled up and visiting some park in North Jersey that Al SR's Dad had something to do with. Frankly, in spite of Al SR's clunky exposition about what exactly that was, I still don't know. And that's OK, because I couldn't give a rat's ass. Anyway, there's some big footbridge high over a ravine and Big Al SR insists that Dirty C walk across it with him. She is in no way happy about this for some unknown reason: the bridge looks pretty sound. Maybe she has a thing about heights. Whatever. He prods and prods and finally she makes a dash for it across the bridge, screaming in mock fear (or maybe real fear, ABIB can only hope) and makes it to the other side. Big Al SR gives her shit about it but then they cuddle in the lightly falling snow and Big AL SR promises to try and ratchet down his work schedule so that they can, as Dirty C insists, "enjoy their retirement". Uh, sorry, Dirty C, but what the fuck did YOU retire from? Bossing your children and mercilessly meddling in the lives of your friends and extended family is NOT a career, so...(per my usual Dirty C rejoinder) STFU.
Finally the Wrasslers are on their way to the Castle; the Gorgas, Wakiles and Drunk Ass Rosie in a big party bus and the Guidices being driven by...some unseen person in a big, black SUV. In the voice over we hear Thereser happily chirp that she can't wait to get to the Catskills. Hmmmmm....no surprise here, but our Thereser is not exactly a geography buff; Lake George, as WE all know by now, is in the Adirondyke Mount-ins. Thereser and JJ get there first but are shortly joined by the bus crew. It's already tense as each party adjourns to their own room to begin drinking and bitching about everyone else. I'm watching this and the thought occured to me: Hey! Maybe don't supply alcohol to this already unstable gang of maniacs? They're up there to get their consciousness raised; is getting hammered really the best approach? Anyway, they join in the dining room for lunch and silence ensues until someone...Thereser? JSTA? Melissa? starts in with some kind of verbal jab and within moments they're at each others' throats with the sniping and the accusations. Oy, so tiresome. Finally the "team builders" arrive, a young couple who ostensibly do this professionally but I'm with Kathy when she queries in her talking head segment: "Are you kidding me? How are Opie and Little Miss Sunshine going to help this group?" I hear you, sister and I totes agree.
The group adjourns to a ballroom where Opie and Little Miss Sunshine have set up a rope on the floor arrayed in a big circle. King Douchebag immediately asks who is getting hanged today. Always the kidder that KD. Fucking fish-lipped moron. Turns out the rope circle is a physical set up for some kind of trust/bonding exercise utilizing the principles of the game Twister. The group engages but nothing really changes (BIG FUCKING SURPRISE) and then something or other comes up and the angry accusations begin in earnest. Opie tries gamely to take back what little control he had of these nutjobs but, hey: Opes: wrap it up, brother and get the fuck out of there, these people are about to get all crazy up in here. Surriously. Little Miss Sunshine can only stare mutely at the escalating craziness, a strange half-smile on her face. Little Miss Sunshine has clearly checked out.
At one point Melissa is on her knees in front of Thereser begging "the queen" to PUHLEEEEEZE stop hurting her family. Prediction: next season Melissa will be trying her hand at acting as her bored housewife activity. Anyway, she's begging and pleading for Thereser to stop hurting her family and Thereser just keeps on shouting her epithets, the same, old crap we've heard from her for...well...forever. But then she challenges her brotha to "stick with your blood" and JSTA tells her, "I'm not sticking with scum like you." Ouch. Thereser storms out (OF COURSE) and, in her storming pathway stand JJ and Drunk Ass Rosie getting drunk on some kind of brown liquid, my money's on scotch, DAR's poison of choice. Thereser screams as she approaches that her brotha just called her scum and that's all it takes for a tanked-on-scotch-and-steriods JJ to storm into the ballroom with the intention of getting JSTA "to apologize". Hooooo boy! No surprise, that little encounter doesn't go too well and we see the scene that was teased at the beginning of the season, basically JJ and JSTA pounding on each other with everyone trying (RIGHT) to separate them. The EP ends with Thereser running outside screaming "CALL THE POLICE!"
So next week I'm guessing someone will be going to Lake George jail when Sheriff Andy of Mayberry and Barney Fife show up. Oh and I actually forgot to tell you about the quick visit this week to the Laurita's. Hubby stopped by for lunch and Jacqueline told him how glad she was that they were'nt invited to the retreat, he demanded and she made him "some sausage", he ate it, she said "no quickie?", he said "no" and got the fuck out of there. Tune in next week, folks for round two of the Wrassle At The Castle!
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap Episode Six: Bitchy, Fake Friends Lie! The Guidices Make Sausage! Dirty C Contemplates Life As A Widow!
Opening thoughts i have to get out:
Rosie just called the Adirondack Mountains the Adirondyke Mount-ins. Unironically. I had to rewind and check. Yep, Adirondyke. Mount-ins. Moron.
Thereser's friend Jennifer looks frighteningly like a cat-monkey, some kind of freaky human/cat/monkey hybrid with the most pronounced underbite I've ever seen.
Here's what happened this week:
Al Sr and Dirty C went out to dinner and he bitched about their "retreat" being a few blocks from their kids. Which is not, in his mind, a retreat at all. Inexplicably Dirty C turned the rest of the conversation to discussing how much she does not want to be a widow. Yikes. Watch your, back, Al Sr; bitch be crazy!
Jacqueline despises Thereser and every convo between them becomes a shrill fifth grade playground name calling scream-a-thon. Monumentally boring. They're both fucking crazy. But we already knew that.
Melissa has lunch with her "best friends" Jan and some other boring person, and spends the whole time bragging about her book deal and how she's going to help other wives to super-please their husbands like she does. The friends spend the lunch exchanging evil glances that say: this pain in the ass is an insufferable boor who needs to be taken down a few pegs. And we're the ones to do it.
Melissa and JSTA writhe around each other at some pole dancing/striptease class. Jeez, for someone who spent the entirety of last season screaming in righteous indignation about how she had NEVER BEEN A STRIPPER, Melissa sure knows her way around a pole. These two really are disgusting. They try and wrangle Kathy and King Douchebag to join in but King Douchebag only has horny eyes for Melissa. And tells her so. In front of his wife. Week after week King Douchebag earns his name.
Thereser calls JSTA to convince him to come to the Lake George castle retreat while he's angrily whacking golf balls at the driving range. He agrees but only for the sake of their fucking sainted father. Speaking of whom, he and the other grandparents show up to Thereser and JJs house to make 80 pounds of homemade sausage. Yes, its exactly as disgusting to witness as it sounds.
Finally Jennifer the Realtor and escapee from The Island of Dr Moreau invites Melissa to lunch to rat out Melissa's supposed bestie Jan - she of the exchange of evil looks - who, at the instigation of Crack Hoe Kim D, has shared that Melissa has been giving blow jobs to her (Melissa's) ex boyfriend, thereby cheating on JSTA. Thereser is there listening but says nothing. Silence is concurrence, T, silence is concurrence. Melissa is devastated to hear of this betrayal and, with JSTA, confronts Crack Hoe Kim at a bar basically by macking on JSTA to the point of just about fucking him in public to demonstrate just how solid and un-cheatworthy their marriage is. All of these people are developmentally arrested at age 15. Crack Hoe Kim D tells Melissa that according to Jan, she (Jan) doesn't like Melissa anymore. Which explains the "Melissa is blowing her ex boyfriend" vicious rumor that she's spreading. Melissa keeps reminding us that Jan was in her wedding, which is, I guess, the ultimate deep bond in this three ring circus of bimbos and mimbos. So, at this point I'm thinking Melissa kinda does need to get over herself.
Nothing else happened because this week was just filler lead-up to the Wrassle At The Castle (made that one up myself; pretty good, amiright?), which starts NEXT WEEK! The crazies head up to Lake George in the Adirondyke Mount-ins, to some holistic retreat in a castle, and straight off we see in the preview that JSTA is calling Thereser "scum" and then he and JJ start pounding each other as a result. with Thereser offscreen doing her best Thereser screech. Schweet.
Rosie just called the Adirondack Mountains the Adirondyke Mount-ins. Unironically. I had to rewind and check. Yep, Adirondyke. Mount-ins. Moron.
Thereser's friend Jennifer looks frighteningly like a cat-monkey, some kind of freaky human/cat/monkey hybrid with the most pronounced underbite I've ever seen.
Here's what happened this week:
Al Sr and Dirty C went out to dinner and he bitched about their "retreat" being a few blocks from their kids. Which is not, in his mind, a retreat at all. Inexplicably Dirty C turned the rest of the conversation to discussing how much she does not want to be a widow. Yikes. Watch your, back, Al Sr; bitch be crazy!
Jacqueline despises Thereser and every convo between them becomes a shrill fifth grade playground name calling scream-a-thon. Monumentally boring. They're both fucking crazy. But we already knew that.
Melissa has lunch with her "best friends" Jan and some other boring person, and spends the whole time bragging about her book deal and how she's going to help other wives to super-please their husbands like she does. The friends spend the lunch exchanging evil glances that say: this pain in the ass is an insufferable boor who needs to be taken down a few pegs. And we're the ones to do it.
Melissa and JSTA writhe around each other at some pole dancing/striptease class. Jeez, for someone who spent the entirety of last season screaming in righteous indignation about how she had NEVER BEEN A STRIPPER, Melissa sure knows her way around a pole. These two really are disgusting. They try and wrangle Kathy and King Douchebag to join in but King Douchebag only has horny eyes for Melissa. And tells her so. In front of his wife. Week after week King Douchebag earns his name.
Thereser calls JSTA to convince him to come to the Lake George castle retreat while he's angrily whacking golf balls at the driving range. He agrees but only for the sake of their fucking sainted father. Speaking of whom, he and the other grandparents show up to Thereser and JJs house to make 80 pounds of homemade sausage. Yes, its exactly as disgusting to witness as it sounds.
Finally Jennifer the Realtor and escapee from The Island of Dr Moreau invites Melissa to lunch to rat out Melissa's supposed bestie Jan - she of the exchange of evil looks - who, at the instigation of Crack Hoe Kim D, has shared that Melissa has been giving blow jobs to her (Melissa's) ex boyfriend, thereby cheating on JSTA. Thereser is there listening but says nothing. Silence is concurrence, T, silence is concurrence. Melissa is devastated to hear of this betrayal and, with JSTA, confronts Crack Hoe Kim at a bar basically by macking on JSTA to the point of just about fucking him in public to demonstrate just how solid and un-cheatworthy their marriage is. All of these people are developmentally arrested at age 15. Crack Hoe Kim D tells Melissa that according to Jan, she (Jan) doesn't like Melissa anymore. Which explains the "Melissa is blowing her ex boyfriend" vicious rumor that she's spreading. Melissa keeps reminding us that Jan was in her wedding, which is, I guess, the ultimate deep bond in this three ring circus of bimbos and mimbos. So, at this point I'm thinking Melissa kinda does need to get over herself.
Nothing else happened because this week was just filler lead-up to the Wrassle At The Castle (made that one up myself; pretty good, amiright?), which starts NEXT WEEK! The crazies head up to Lake George in the Adirondyke Mount-ins, to some holistic retreat in a castle, and straight off we see in the preview that JSTA is calling Thereser "scum" and then he and JJ start pounding each other as a result. with Thereser offscreen doing her best Thereser screech. Schweet.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap Episode Five: Thereser Calls For Holistic Healing...No, Really!
We rejoin the RHONJ first with Melissa, who is folding laundry and working on her book, which is a cross between a memoir and a how-to guide for keeping a husband happy. Unlike her father, who, she tells us, used to leave the house to get milk and be gone for two days. Alrighty, then. Melissa is giving her daughter the Cliff's Notes version of what's going to be packed inside of this almighty tome when we see JSTA's big, black SUV pulling into the driveway and we hear him barking out the word "bitch" over and over again. It becomes clear that he's talking to himself and decompressing from the water-thrown-in-his-face encounter he just had with his big sis Thereser at the ever popular, generic neighborhood gym. He finds his wife and daughter upstairs and summarily dismisses the girl so that he can talk plainly to her mutha. At this point Melissa gets up off the bed where she was laundry folding/writing her memoirs, and we see that, not only is she wearing black stretch pants to fold laundry, she's also wearing black stilettos. WTF? Anyway, JSTA gets to bitching about the encounter with T and it comes out that T's accusation, some trifle about Melissa tweeting that she (Melisa) owns, doesn't rent, her Chanel bag, because she's not the one declaring bankruptcy. Hoo boy! When JSTA learns from Melissa that she did, in fact, tweet such, he gets all kinda cranked up at her and goes on a mini-rampage about how T is still his sister and YOU CAN'T SAY STUFF LIKE THAT! I'M YOUR HUSBAND AND I'M GONNA TEACH YOU RIGHT FROM WRONG and other such bullshit crap. Melissa looks kinda surprised, truth be told, cause she's not used to JSTA taking his sister's side on anything. Also, note to Bravo producers: find some other kind of shirt for these ladies to wear that doesn't so clearly show the outlines of their body mikes. Kinda spoils the mood, if you know what I mean.
Next we join T and JJ at their kids' soccer game. Totes boring. Plus, Thereser has never heard of the expression Napoleon complex, which JJ tells her is what's ailing her brother. Also, she repeats her allegation, for the billionth time, that JSTA is brainwashed by Melissa. I honestly don't know why this segment made it to air.
Jacqueline, Kathy, Dirty C and Drunk Ass Rosie are playing the bridge and tunnel crowd over at some chi-chi salon in NYC. Midway Dirty C gets a call from Thereser who tells her that at the gym her brotha treated her "very aggressively" for no reason even though he told Dirty C he wanted to reconcile. Um, not exactly T. Dirty C told two big fat lies to get you both thinking the other wanted to make up. Dirty C suggests that maybe they need professional help. Um, didn't they do that already? Thereser says maybe we need to go for holistic healing. I'm still amazed that these two bimbos are speaking cordially to each other. At the last reunion Thereser referred to Dirty C's midsection as "blubber, blubber, blubber" and according to Dirty C, Thereser's green dress marked her as a snake and Lauren Manzo was two blood pressure points away from leveling an M16 in Thereser's face. Anyhoo, Dirty C is, she tells us officially, out of this loop and who should leap into the breach but Drunk Ass Rosie. Super great! Oh, and before we leave the salon Dirty C does what she does best - state the fucking obvious - by officiously telling the gals that: "they will never be whole if they don't get over this stuff." Jesus H. Christ, Dirty C: STFU. Also, why are you dragging all the girls to a salon in NYC for makeovers when Lauren has a perfectly good makeover place - Cafface - right there in Joisey. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: what does Cafface even mean? Nothing. It means nothing. Lauren Manzo is an idiot.
Kathy wants to go into the mail order cannoli business and she's stuck with King Douchebag as her biz partner. Here he comes like a sledgehammer and announces he's ordered like 10K plain white shipping boxes. But wait! Kathy had it all planned to ship her cannolis in these pretty blue boxes each one tied with a striped ribbon. King Douchebag blows her off with his obnoxious assurance that those dainty little things would never make it. Kathy is understandably pissed off - this is HER business venture and King Douchebag is steamrolling all these decisions without even so much as a conversation. King Douchebag closes out the scene by telling us "I have to be involved in the business side. I married a housewife not an entrepreneur". Seriously, Kath, do you need the names of some really good lawyers? Just say the word, babe; just say the word.
The Stupid As Fuck Manzo kids are having dinner with Dirty C at her Hoboken apartment. "Barely Able To Tie His Shoes Chris" announces that he doesn't want to have kids. Praise Jesus, intones every viewer who actually is concerned with the future of the human species. Especially, he doesn't want a girl. Then he proceeds to utter some of the most offensive shit that anyone has said on these shows and in this three-ring circus of moronic bottom-feeders that's saying something. Here's what he said:
"If I had a girl, straight to the church steps with her. Because from birth to age 10 I have to make sure it doesn't die. From 10 to 25 I have to make sure she doesn't turn into a whore. That is a lot of pressure!"
I had to turn off the TV for awhile so that I could plan his demise in earnest. That DNA must NEVER enter the world. EVER. Damn he's a pinworm. But wait! It gets SO MUCH WORSE! Deeply, deeply self-hating sister Lauren joins in with a self-immolating glee to rival Pagliacci:
"Mom, you had it easy 'cause I was fat in my whore years so you didn't have to worry."
Dirty C, not to be outdone, and in the fun house mirror that is her horrific relationship with her children, says, while smirking along with her two sons:
"Hold up, now, you know what they say about fat girls."
Chris the pinheaded pinworm helpfully adds:
"Fat girls are blow job queens, everybody knows that".
Dirty C shakes her fake red hair in triumph! Did she raise these boys right or what? Meg Griffin's got nothing on Lauren Manzo! Lap Band Surgery or no Lap Band Surgery, their little sis will always be the fat blow job queen of the Manzo family. It's like Lord of the Flies in there. Andy Cohen, shame on you for airing that evil garbage, you degenerate whoremonger! The man has zero shame. Zero. You almost need a decontamination shower after watching something like that. Feh.
Drunk Ass Rosie makes her first foray into the world of family fence mending (basically because she's the only one who HASN'T done it yet) by inviting JSTA out for a drink. Their ensuing conversation has been had by a nearly infinite combination of the jackasses on this show over the last several years, so just imagine any version of the "we've gotta mend the family" combo and you're there. Oh, and at this point I'm pretty sure that Drunk Ass Rosie is a hopeless alcoholic. Also, JSTA? The omnipresent tiny knit cap winter and summer went out of style like five years ago, bro.
Again with the Manzos, (senior this time) who are cooking in their Hoboken apartment and, even though Al SR has been (supposedly) a restaurant owner his entire adult life, he can't make scrambled eggs without setting off the smoke alarm. Oy.
King Douchebag has gone ahead and leased Kathy an industrial kitchen so she can test all her new recipes. Kathy is again pissed that King Douchebag just went ahead and did something without so much as a chat about his plans. He tells us he found a place that rents by the day, by the hour - its a test kitchen. What alternate universe do these goombas live in where industrial kitchens are rented by the fucking hour? And what exactly are they cooking there? Paging Walter White...Also, the guy who leased him the place? Way sketchy.
Theresers writing her blog. So? She gets a call from "Ro" inviting her out for a drink to...have the same...boring...repetitive conversation. Even Thereser says: "here we go again." We're right there with you T.
Drunk Ass Rosie and Thereser meet for drinks to tawk, and scream at each other, but really its just to set up the Bravo producers' plan for the families to head to some holistic healing retreat to get...healed? We know this because Thereser has a scripted line reading wherein she reaches the conclusion that a holistic retreat is the way to go. How do we know its scripted?
1. Thereser would never come up with such a plan and,
2. She can't even read the lines without almost bursting out laughing.
Also? During their staged frenzied screaming: YOU'RE THE PROBLEM! YOUR SISTAS THE PROBLEM! Drunk Ass Rosie, while pounding the table in righteous indignation, manages to break her highball glass, spill her 80th scotch, and slice the fuck out of her hand. Please Bravo? An intervention for Ro? She could even get her own spinoff: Rosie In Rehab: The Dry Drunk Years!
Next we join T and JJ at their kids' soccer game. Totes boring. Plus, Thereser has never heard of the expression Napoleon complex, which JJ tells her is what's ailing her brother. Also, she repeats her allegation, for the billionth time, that JSTA is brainwashed by Melissa. I honestly don't know why this segment made it to air.
Jacqueline, Kathy, Dirty C and Drunk Ass Rosie are playing the bridge and tunnel crowd over at some chi-chi salon in NYC. Midway Dirty C gets a call from Thereser who tells her that at the gym her brotha treated her "very aggressively" for no reason even though he told Dirty C he wanted to reconcile. Um, not exactly T. Dirty C told two big fat lies to get you both thinking the other wanted to make up. Dirty C suggests that maybe they need professional help. Um, didn't they do that already? Thereser says maybe we need to go for holistic healing. I'm still amazed that these two bimbos are speaking cordially to each other. At the last reunion Thereser referred to Dirty C's midsection as "blubber, blubber, blubber" and according to Dirty C, Thereser's green dress marked her as a snake and Lauren Manzo was two blood pressure points away from leveling an M16 in Thereser's face. Anyhoo, Dirty C is, she tells us officially, out of this loop and who should leap into the breach but Drunk Ass Rosie. Super great! Oh, and before we leave the salon Dirty C does what she does best - state the fucking obvious - by officiously telling the gals that: "they will never be whole if they don't get over this stuff." Jesus H. Christ, Dirty C: STFU. Also, why are you dragging all the girls to a salon in NYC for makeovers when Lauren has a perfectly good makeover place - Cafface - right there in Joisey. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: what does Cafface even mean? Nothing. It means nothing. Lauren Manzo is an idiot.
Kathy wants to go into the mail order cannoli business and she's stuck with King Douchebag as her biz partner. Here he comes like a sledgehammer and announces he's ordered like 10K plain white shipping boxes. But wait! Kathy had it all planned to ship her cannolis in these pretty blue boxes each one tied with a striped ribbon. King Douchebag blows her off with his obnoxious assurance that those dainty little things would never make it. Kathy is understandably pissed off - this is HER business venture and King Douchebag is steamrolling all these decisions without even so much as a conversation. King Douchebag closes out the scene by telling us "I have to be involved in the business side. I married a housewife not an entrepreneur". Seriously, Kath, do you need the names of some really good lawyers? Just say the word, babe; just say the word.
The Stupid As Fuck Manzo kids are having dinner with Dirty C at her Hoboken apartment. "Barely Able To Tie His Shoes Chris" announces that he doesn't want to have kids. Praise Jesus, intones every viewer who actually is concerned with the future of the human species. Especially, he doesn't want a girl. Then he proceeds to utter some of the most offensive shit that anyone has said on these shows and in this three-ring circus of moronic bottom-feeders that's saying something. Here's what he said:
"If I had a girl, straight to the church steps with her. Because from birth to age 10 I have to make sure it doesn't die. From 10 to 25 I have to make sure she doesn't turn into a whore. That is a lot of pressure!"
I had to turn off the TV for awhile so that I could plan his demise in earnest. That DNA must NEVER enter the world. EVER. Damn he's a pinworm. But wait! It gets SO MUCH WORSE! Deeply, deeply self-hating sister Lauren joins in with a self-immolating glee to rival Pagliacci:
"Mom, you had it easy 'cause I was fat in my whore years so you didn't have to worry."
Dirty C, not to be outdone, and in the fun house mirror that is her horrific relationship with her children, says, while smirking along with her two sons:
"Hold up, now, you know what they say about fat girls."
Chris the pinheaded pinworm helpfully adds:
"Fat girls are blow job queens, everybody knows that".
Dirty C shakes her fake red hair in triumph! Did she raise these boys right or what? Meg Griffin's got nothing on Lauren Manzo! Lap Band Surgery or no Lap Band Surgery, their little sis will always be the fat blow job queen of the Manzo family. It's like Lord of the Flies in there. Andy Cohen, shame on you for airing that evil garbage, you degenerate whoremonger! The man has zero shame. Zero. You almost need a decontamination shower after watching something like that. Feh.
Drunk Ass Rosie makes her first foray into the world of family fence mending (basically because she's the only one who HASN'T done it yet) by inviting JSTA out for a drink. Their ensuing conversation has been had by a nearly infinite combination of the jackasses on this show over the last several years, so just imagine any version of the "we've gotta mend the family" combo and you're there. Oh, and at this point I'm pretty sure that Drunk Ass Rosie is a hopeless alcoholic. Also, JSTA? The omnipresent tiny knit cap winter and summer went out of style like five years ago, bro.
Again with the Manzos, (senior this time) who are cooking in their Hoboken apartment and, even though Al SR has been (supposedly) a restaurant owner his entire adult life, he can't make scrambled eggs without setting off the smoke alarm. Oy.
King Douchebag has gone ahead and leased Kathy an industrial kitchen so she can test all her new recipes. Kathy is again pissed that King Douchebag just went ahead and did something without so much as a chat about his plans. He tells us he found a place that rents by the day, by the hour - its a test kitchen. What alternate universe do these goombas live in where industrial kitchens are rented by the fucking hour? And what exactly are they cooking there? Paging Walter White...Also, the guy who leased him the place? Way sketchy.
Theresers writing her blog. So? She gets a call from "Ro" inviting her out for a drink to...have the same...boring...repetitive conversation. Even Thereser says: "here we go again." We're right there with you T.
Drunk Ass Rosie and Thereser meet for drinks to tawk, and scream at each other, but really its just to set up the Bravo producers' plan for the families to head to some holistic healing retreat to get...healed? We know this because Thereser has a scripted line reading wherein she reaches the conclusion that a holistic retreat is the way to go. How do we know its scripted?
1. Thereser would never come up with such a plan and,
2. She can't even read the lines without almost bursting out laughing.
Also? During their staged frenzied screaming: YOU'RE THE PROBLEM! YOUR SISTAS THE PROBLEM! Drunk Ass Rosie, while pounding the table in righteous indignation, manages to break her highball glass, spill her 80th scotch, and slice the fuck out of her hand. Please Bravo? An intervention for Ro? She could even get her own spinoff: Rosie In Rehab: The Dry Drunk Years!
Saturday, June 29, 2013
The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap Episode Four: The Showdown at the Gym K Corral
It's time for the RHONJ Recap from me, The ABIB! Here's the highlights, well, maybe the lowlights:
The Gorga/Guidice Interstellar World of Dysfunction is starting to coalesce. That is to say, Thereser and JSTA and their respective minions are starting to circle the wagons in earnest. Melissa tells JSTA about the disco party ambush and JSTA, not surprised, refers to Crack Hoe Kim D and Gym Spy Linda as Thereser's "soldiers". Yikes. Time to lay off The Soprano's there, JSTA. On the other side of the interstellar lunatic ride, Thereser, as per normal, is bitching out Melissa and her brotha to largely monosyllabic Juicy Joe. JJ seems even less interested than we are, if that's possible, and basically dismisses Melissa as a lying, scheming bitch. With a gigantic forehead. Really, JJ? You're married to the First Lady of the Planet of the Apes and you wanna go to foreheads?
Unfortunately Bravo did NOT hear my plea to get the fuck rid of the collossally annoying Manzo kids, so here we go to Hoboken where the brothers Manzo are about to open a new restaurant. In the clip montage leading up to this we are treated to past views of the epic failure that was BLK. Why did it fail you ask? Um, because it's fucking BLACK WATER. Duh. Anyway, in the clip we see the two losers trying mightily to shill this inexplicable swill - WHO THE FUCK NEEDS WATER TO BE BLACK - with a great shot of Uncle Chris Laurita, the erstwhile investor, looking on with an expression of mild annoyance coupled with bafflement. Probably was baffled with himself for having agreed to this meshuggana nonsense. We also get a much older shot of Little Al telling Dirty C that law school REJECTED HIM! Which prompts DC to admonish him to "NEVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU YOU CAN'T DO SOMETHING!". Then she bursts into very loud, kinda fake, weeping. Uh, well, truth be told, DC, law school CAN tell your precious prince that he can't do something: he can't be a fucking LAWYER! Anyway, DC's crying but Little Al seems pretty cool with the whole thing. So let's see...he's gotten rejected from: college, law school, police academy and failed miserably at trying to sell toxic waste as an appealing drink. So what's the next logical step? Opening a restaurant, that's what! They've hired an executive chef but DC barges in there anyway and tells him that he's making the meatballs all wrong. I found myself yelling at the TV: RUN EXECUTIVE CHEF! RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE! Oh, the place is called Little Town and it's going to feature all things Joisey. Yeah, 'cause there's no other places like that in...New Jersey. At this point I'm reminded of a bit from SNL wherein Amy Poehler, reporting the news, says that New Jersey is about to change their license plate motto to read: New Jersey: Who Farted? For anyone that's ever driven through Elizabeth, NJ, that makes a whole lotta sense.
Quick cut to Kathy and Rosie having dinner with their mother. The requisite bitch and moan fest about Thereser's father ensues. Kathy's mother and Thereser's father are siblings but have not spoken in many years. If they ever told us what the nature of that rift is I honestly can't recall. Clearly Mama does NOT want to talk about her brother but Big 'Ol Drunk Ass Rosie, in between slurps of Scotch, insists upon it. She blubbers endlessly about this that and the other, mostly how Thereser is a disrespectful whore, and through it all Mama remains silent. Kathy joins in at first but quickly gets it that her mother does NOT want to discuss it and clams up. Not so Drunk Ass Rosie, who, rather than getting her mother's very apparent non-verbal cues, presses on more loudly and with more angry rhetoric until Mama finally tells her to STOP! Thanks, Mama; it's always annoying to have to listen to a drunk-ass nutjob go on and on so we're right there with you.
Next up: Kathy has planned a co-birthday party for King Douchebag who is turning 49 and Victoria who is turning 19. So I guess it's a biggie since it's the last one before 50 and the last in the teens. One would think she'd just go ahead and wait for the big 5-0 and the big 2-0, but what the hell. Once again we're whisked to some classay eatery and the crowd's all there: the Manzos, the Lauritas, the Gorgas. Of course Thereser and JJ were not invited. Soon enough DC is seated amongst all her bitches and dispensing her sage advice with the same holier-than-thou blah, blah, blah demeanor. She predicts that Thereser is NEVA GONNA TAWK TO ANY OF YOUS. Duh, DC, what the fuck? Who on earth DIDN'T KNOW THAT? She is such a sanctimonious bitch. But I see cracks in the goodgals exteriors. Both Kathy and Melissa are starting to get annoyed with DC and, truth be told, with each other. We are again dragged through the detailed daily schedule of Thereser's father's recent hospital stay, as Melissa recounts to the gals her attack at the hands of T and her "soldiers" at Gia's birthday party. Kathy especially, is not 'pressed. Her face seems to imply that Melissa's story, no matter how heartfelt, doesn't hold water. This might get interesting as Team Gorga/Manzo/Wakile/Laurita begins to unravel. At this point I'm picturing Thereser, dressed as the Emperor from Star Wars, rubbing her hands together and intoning: Gooooood.....goooooood...
Also at the birthday bash, JSTA tries to get a hooker for Little Joseph, who at 16, is seated at the big boy's bench and thus open to all kinds of bullshit. Joseph seems truly alarmed as the girl sits down next to him and leaps to his feet, stuttering: HEY I'M ONLY 16! Yeah, boy, but JSTA wants to watch. Yuck.
Back to the girls table and Drunk Ass Rosie is bellowing about some crap or other and screams at an attractive woman (with her HUSBAND) across the room that can't she get "JUST ONE KISS!?" I'm sensing an intervention is in store for Drunk Ass Rosie. Shockingly the woman grants the request and so we get to see THAT. Drunk Ass Rosie macking on some stranger while HER HUSBAND LOOKS ON, with a rather disturbed expression showing clearly through his strained smile. I mean, can you imagine this group of nutcases winding up on any random night in some bar or restaurant and just basically bull-in-a-china-shopping the whole place? Once kissed, Drunk Ass Rosie gets wind of the conversation at the ladies table, that Thereser doesn't want to see any of them. Well, that's all it takes; Drunk Ass Rosie goes full blast, screaming like a maniac (and drawing frightened looks from the other patrons) about how "SHE DON'T WANT TO SEE US? MAYBE WE DON'T WANT TO FUCKING SEE HER!" She makes various rude physical gestures and basically bombasts her way to the center of the conversation. I'm going to just say here that, as of this season, Drunk Ass Rosie is becoming as intolerable for me as Dirty C. Yeah, it's that bad. She's stopped being the pretty-stupid-but-really-kinda-harmless-cute sideline character and is now the pretty-stupid-angry-belligerent-drunk character. Who constantly uses her belligerence to horn into the center of every scene she's a part of. Nicht git.
So the final set piece of this week is the Showdown At The Gym K Corral between Thereser and JSTA. JSTA is there early in the AM, doing some serious lifting (again, JSTA, the loud grunting with every lift? Right out of The Sopranos. STOP IT!), when who should spot him but Thereser, who is getting one of Gym Soldier Linda's evil workouts. T decides she should bury the hatchet and approaches JSTA to say hello. Before that she AGAIN asks the question: why are they at MY GYM if they're not obsessed with me? Oy vey, T, where to begin? JSTA is flat on his back under the weights and T offers to spot him. JSTA says, not entirely jokingly, are you going to drop them on me? Assured that she won't JSTA proceeds to do one more press with T serving as his spotter and then gets up. Within like three seconds they are at each other, hurling accusations and pressin' charges! JSTA endures a few hollow volleys about Melissa's devotion to their father and blah, blah, blah and then he brings out the big guns. Hey, he flings at his sister: "I wouldn't call my wife a C..T" Yeowch. Didn't know you had it in you, JSTA. Of course what he's referring to is a scene from last year's trip to California, where JJ receives, and accepts, a call on his cell as they're all seated to dinner in celebration of DC's 50th. The camera followed him off screen and we hear him speaking quietly to someone, who we presume, is a girlfriend (but who later he tells us was a business partner) and to this person refers to his "wife the c..t". Again, yeowch. Thereser recoils from her brother's reminder of this fairly awful fact and, in true Thereser fashion, deflects the issue back to Melissa, how she controls JSTA and well, the same old Thereser same old. JSTA presses on asking T how JJ treats his daughters and that makes her get the Thereser crazy eye, that of the old table flipping variety, but instead she inarticulately growls at him. And then flings the contents of her water bottle at JSTA as she angrily stalks out of the gym. JSTA, not to be outdone, and probably pretty pissed off about the water throwing, follows after her shouting accusations and repeating the incriminating volley. To us JSTA in his voice-over, states that the biggest mistake his sister ever made was marrying JJ. Hmmm...could be true? But you know, JSTA, she's pretty wacko herself, so, there's that.
Tune in next time when we continue to follow the spiraling vortex of dysfunction that is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Oh, and the surely imminent demise of that fucking restaurant.
The Gorga/Guidice Interstellar World of Dysfunction is starting to coalesce. That is to say, Thereser and JSTA and their respective minions are starting to circle the wagons in earnest. Melissa tells JSTA about the disco party ambush and JSTA, not surprised, refers to Crack Hoe Kim D and Gym Spy Linda as Thereser's "soldiers". Yikes. Time to lay off The Soprano's there, JSTA. On the other side of the interstellar lunatic ride, Thereser, as per normal, is bitching out Melissa and her brotha to largely monosyllabic Juicy Joe. JJ seems even less interested than we are, if that's possible, and basically dismisses Melissa as a lying, scheming bitch. With a gigantic forehead. Really, JJ? You're married to the First Lady of the Planet of the Apes and you wanna go to foreheads?
Unfortunately Bravo did NOT hear my plea to get the fuck rid of the collossally annoying Manzo kids, so here we go to Hoboken where the brothers Manzo are about to open a new restaurant. In the clip montage leading up to this we are treated to past views of the epic failure that was BLK. Why did it fail you ask? Um, because it's fucking BLACK WATER. Duh. Anyway, in the clip we see the two losers trying mightily to shill this inexplicable swill - WHO THE FUCK NEEDS WATER TO BE BLACK - with a great shot of Uncle Chris Laurita, the erstwhile investor, looking on with an expression of mild annoyance coupled with bafflement. Probably was baffled with himself for having agreed to this meshuggana nonsense. We also get a much older shot of Little Al telling Dirty C that law school REJECTED HIM! Which prompts DC to admonish him to "NEVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU YOU CAN'T DO SOMETHING!". Then she bursts into very loud, kinda fake, weeping. Uh, well, truth be told, DC, law school CAN tell your precious prince that he can't do something: he can't be a fucking LAWYER! Anyway, DC's crying but Little Al seems pretty cool with the whole thing. So let's see...he's gotten rejected from: college, law school, police academy and failed miserably at trying to sell toxic waste as an appealing drink. So what's the next logical step? Opening a restaurant, that's what! They've hired an executive chef but DC barges in there anyway and tells him that he's making the meatballs all wrong. I found myself yelling at the TV: RUN EXECUTIVE CHEF! RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE! Oh, the place is called Little Town and it's going to feature all things Joisey. Yeah, 'cause there's no other places like that in...New Jersey. At this point I'm reminded of a bit from SNL wherein Amy Poehler, reporting the news, says that New Jersey is about to change their license plate motto to read: New Jersey: Who Farted? For anyone that's ever driven through Elizabeth, NJ, that makes a whole lotta sense.
Quick cut to Kathy and Rosie having dinner with their mother. The requisite bitch and moan fest about Thereser's father ensues. Kathy's mother and Thereser's father are siblings but have not spoken in many years. If they ever told us what the nature of that rift is I honestly can't recall. Clearly Mama does NOT want to talk about her brother but Big 'Ol Drunk Ass Rosie, in between slurps of Scotch, insists upon it. She blubbers endlessly about this that and the other, mostly how Thereser is a disrespectful whore, and through it all Mama remains silent. Kathy joins in at first but quickly gets it that her mother does NOT want to discuss it and clams up. Not so Drunk Ass Rosie, who, rather than getting her mother's very apparent non-verbal cues, presses on more loudly and with more angry rhetoric until Mama finally tells her to STOP! Thanks, Mama; it's always annoying to have to listen to a drunk-ass nutjob go on and on so we're right there with you.
Next up: Kathy has planned a co-birthday party for King Douchebag who is turning 49 and Victoria who is turning 19. So I guess it's a biggie since it's the last one before 50 and the last in the teens. One would think she'd just go ahead and wait for the big 5-0 and the big 2-0, but what the hell. Once again we're whisked to some classay eatery and the crowd's all there: the Manzos, the Lauritas, the Gorgas. Of course Thereser and JJ were not invited. Soon enough DC is seated amongst all her bitches and dispensing her sage advice with the same holier-than-thou blah, blah, blah demeanor. She predicts that Thereser is NEVA GONNA TAWK TO ANY OF YOUS. Duh, DC, what the fuck? Who on earth DIDN'T KNOW THAT? She is such a sanctimonious bitch. But I see cracks in the goodgals exteriors. Both Kathy and Melissa are starting to get annoyed with DC and, truth be told, with each other. We are again dragged through the detailed daily schedule of Thereser's father's recent hospital stay, as Melissa recounts to the gals her attack at the hands of T and her "soldiers" at Gia's birthday party. Kathy especially, is not 'pressed. Her face seems to imply that Melissa's story, no matter how heartfelt, doesn't hold water. This might get interesting as Team Gorga/Manzo/Wakile/Laurita begins to unravel. At this point I'm picturing Thereser, dressed as the Emperor from Star Wars, rubbing her hands together and intoning: Gooooood.....goooooood...
Also at the birthday bash, JSTA tries to get a hooker for Little Joseph, who at 16, is seated at the big boy's bench and thus open to all kinds of bullshit. Joseph seems truly alarmed as the girl sits down next to him and leaps to his feet, stuttering: HEY I'M ONLY 16! Yeah, boy, but JSTA wants to watch. Yuck.
Back to the girls table and Drunk Ass Rosie is bellowing about some crap or other and screams at an attractive woman (with her HUSBAND) across the room that can't she get "JUST ONE KISS!?" I'm sensing an intervention is in store for Drunk Ass Rosie. Shockingly the woman grants the request and so we get to see THAT. Drunk Ass Rosie macking on some stranger while HER HUSBAND LOOKS ON, with a rather disturbed expression showing clearly through his strained smile. I mean, can you imagine this group of nutcases winding up on any random night in some bar or restaurant and just basically bull-in-a-china-shopping the whole place? Once kissed, Drunk Ass Rosie gets wind of the conversation at the ladies table, that Thereser doesn't want to see any of them. Well, that's all it takes; Drunk Ass Rosie goes full blast, screaming like a maniac (and drawing frightened looks from the other patrons) about how "SHE DON'T WANT TO SEE US? MAYBE WE DON'T WANT TO FUCKING SEE HER!" She makes various rude physical gestures and basically bombasts her way to the center of the conversation. I'm going to just say here that, as of this season, Drunk Ass Rosie is becoming as intolerable for me as Dirty C. Yeah, it's that bad. She's stopped being the pretty-stupid-but-really-kinda-harmless-cute sideline character and is now the pretty-stupid-angry-belligerent-drunk character. Who constantly uses her belligerence to horn into the center of every scene she's a part of. Nicht git.
So the final set piece of this week is the Showdown At The Gym K Corral between Thereser and JSTA. JSTA is there early in the AM, doing some serious lifting (again, JSTA, the loud grunting with every lift? Right out of The Sopranos. STOP IT!), when who should spot him but Thereser, who is getting one of Gym Soldier Linda's evil workouts. T decides she should bury the hatchet and approaches JSTA to say hello. Before that she AGAIN asks the question: why are they at MY GYM if they're not obsessed with me? Oy vey, T, where to begin? JSTA is flat on his back under the weights and T offers to spot him. JSTA says, not entirely jokingly, are you going to drop them on me? Assured that she won't JSTA proceeds to do one more press with T serving as his spotter and then gets up. Within like three seconds they are at each other, hurling accusations and pressin' charges! JSTA endures a few hollow volleys about Melissa's devotion to their father and blah, blah, blah and then he brings out the big guns. Hey, he flings at his sister: "I wouldn't call my wife a C..T" Yeowch. Didn't know you had it in you, JSTA. Of course what he's referring to is a scene from last year's trip to California, where JJ receives, and accepts, a call on his cell as they're all seated to dinner in celebration of DC's 50th. The camera followed him off screen and we hear him speaking quietly to someone, who we presume, is a girlfriend (but who later he tells us was a business partner) and to this person refers to his "wife the c..t". Again, yeowch. Thereser recoils from her brother's reminder of this fairly awful fact and, in true Thereser fashion, deflects the issue back to Melissa, how she controls JSTA and well, the same old Thereser same old. JSTA presses on asking T how JJ treats his daughters and that makes her get the Thereser crazy eye, that of the old table flipping variety, but instead she inarticulately growls at him. And then flings the contents of her water bottle at JSTA as she angrily stalks out of the gym. JSTA, not to be outdone, and probably pretty pissed off about the water throwing, follows after her shouting accusations and repeating the incriminating volley. To us JSTA in his voice-over, states that the biggest mistake his sister ever made was marrying JJ. Hmmm...could be true? But you know, JSTA, she's pretty wacko herself, so, there's that.
Tune in next time when we continue to follow the spiraling vortex of dysfunction that is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Oh, and the surely imminent demise of that fucking restaurant.
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