Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season Finale: They Go Out With A Whimper Not A Bang

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...Huh? Wha? Gosh, I'm sorry, I must have dozed off there. MOST. BORING. FINALE. EVER. As in EVER. What did I just watch? That was an hour of...nothing! For the first 20 minutes or so they just recapped the season. But I fast forwarded through that because I...watched it? OK, I thought, now we get to the good, fist pumping, punch-throwing, JSTA getting his little beanie ripped off and then hauled off to jail ACTION. But, uh, we didn't. Back we go to the Posche 2 opening party and everyone, and I mean everyone, is surrounding Penny and her oddball husband 'cause they got some 'splainin' to do and Melissa and JSTA are prodding them to do just that. Well, actually JSTA did make some googly-eyed, half-assed lunges at Penny's hubster while screaming, as he is normally wont to do, "SHE'S MY WIFE!! MY WIFE!!!" Yeah, JSTA, uh, we've all got that and since he's been tweeting up a fucking blow-job shitstorm about your little songbird, I'm pretty sure he knows that, too. Anyway, there's Melissa, demanding, DEMANDING, an explanation from Penny who prompty throws Thereser directly under the bus because, well, because it WAS Thereser who was the little devil whispering all the secret Melissa dirt into Penny's wired-to-In-Touch-magazine ear. All T could do was widen her eyes incredulously, which considering T has about a quarter inch of forehead to begin with, kinda put her big, black eyebrows in direct contact with her simian hairline. Melissa was surrounded by her posse, which is to say, the entire cast of RHONJ because thanks to the Adirondyke Mount-ins and Miraval, everyone is singing Kumbaya from the same sheet of Bravo music. Hilariously, Dirty C kinda went apeshit even more than JSTA, "ARE YOU HAPPY? ARE YOU? ARE YOU? YOU RUINED A FAMILY ARE YOU HAPPY?" which is saying something. Hey DC: ease down...ease down. Here's a suggestion: try ramping up your estrogen, babe, cause not only do you shave (which you've told us already in a previous season and that Big Al SR absolutely LOVES it) but you're kinda verging into Manlyville. In fact, maybe you're already kinda there. For real. So anyway, the crew is all around, backing up their girl Melissa and Penny shouts out for some help from Crack Hoe Kim D. Crack Hoe Kim D joins the fray, apparently still in full makeup from her audition for The Walking Dead. DAMN! That is one hard looking bitch, people. You do NOT want to cross Crack Hoe Kim D in a dark alley, my friends; she WILL cut a bitch. And likely has. Anyhow, Crack Hoe Kim joins the outer ring around Penny and her tweeting hubby but kinda just stares her scary-ass stare. So yeah, there was that. Then up comes that whiny-ass dipshit Jacqueline, who, now that she's safely surrounded by her husband, friends and sister-in-law DC (again who is just a chromosome away from growing a pair for real) she takes off on Penny and her man, snarling about how they tweeted nasty shit about her kid and what kind of monsters are they and blah, blah, blah. Jacqueline is human Valium, she really, really is. The fast forward button is SO my friend when it comes to that mealy-mouthed little idiot.

All at once everyone huffed out of the Posche 2 party in various states of outrage and that was it. End of THAT storyline, which need I remind RHONJ regular viewers, is pretty much the EXACT SAME END AS LAST FUCKING SEASON. Next day T and Jacqueline, over some giant goblets of vino, have a heart-to-heart and Jacqueline advises T to come clean with JSTA and Melissa. We see Thereser wrapping her mind around that notion and trying to remember her script as she considers that this might be the only way to "move forward" with JSTA. Comically she never mentions Melissa's name. Telling. But then again, I kinda can't stand Melissa so, I get it, T, I get it. Jacqueline suggests that Thereser should plan to make her confession to JSTA the next day at the BLK flavor tasting. WTF? So now it's not just going to be black water, it's going to FLAVORED black water. These morons are the limit. We get to see Dirty C in her talking head brag on and on and on about her AMAZINGLY successful and independent children and we are treated to some of the best clips from her loser kids' past, namely the one where she tells Little Al JR to never let anyone tell him that he can't do something. Um, OK. Dirty C is on a big-ass stroll down memory lane, walking through her giant house and revisiting some of the more wonderful memories of life in their heavily fortified compound. This is all just a big lead up to Dirty C's epiphany that, hell, she doesn't want the apartment in Hoboken, she wants to stay right here, because, well, there's no place like home. Cue the Wizard or Glinda or whoever Big Al SR is the stand-in for in this gag-worthy, "touching" shot who assures Dirty C that she can stay there as long as she likes. Big fucking whoop. Honestly, it's amazing I kept watching this bore-fest of a finale.

Next day everyone gathers at the BLK "office" to taste-test the potential new flavors of their sludge water and, well, who fucking cares about BLK anyway? Thereser drags JSTA over to a private spot and spills the beans to him about how she befriended the wrong people and that since she was "so mad at Melissa" she didn't speak up when the ladies started to trash M in earnest. She never owned up to being the dirt source, but rather took responsibility for being a silent witness to Melissa's downfall at the hands of other, more vicious and vindictive North Jersey trollops. And you know what? I kinda found myself nodding along with T 'cause lets fact it peeps, we've all been there, amirite? You're hatin' on someone and it's just plain old delicious FUN to hear others crap on that person. So they cried (again) and they hugged (again) and all is right in the Gorga/Guidice swirling inferno of drama as the season ends.

Our last shots are back at the Jersey shore, where the season began, in the aftermath of Superstorm Sandy and Thereser and JJ's beach house, which had been ruined by the storm. But! It's been rebuilt by JJ and now everyone's coming down-a shore for a cookout/hugathon/what-I-learned-this-season confessional epilogue. I'm thinking, "way to go, T, you got that good-for-nothing husband to at least make himself useful and fix up the beach house before his lying ass is deported. Our last talking head segment is Dirty C, pontificating as usual, the old, wise grand dame of the crew, jabbering on about how even when they hated each other they really loved each other and how even in their most spiteful phases any one of them would have come running at the drop of a hat if any of the others were in need. And I called BULLSHIT at the TV at that point because, honestly Dirty C, who the FUCK is going to believe that load of crap-ola? Your own expression tells me that YOU sure don't fucking believe it. So, yeah. And that's where we ended up, with a peek at the latest Guidice legal woes brewing and a hint that by next week's Reunion episode, some of the lovey-dovey glow has kind of worn off. So The ABIB will be back next week to recap the Reunion party, which if past seasons are any indication, should be kinda fun. Especially if that nitwit Lauren Manzo shows up. Stay tuned!

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