Monday, October 26, 2015

The Last Word Emailer

The Last Word Emailer. You know them; hell you might be one. Everyone knows at least one of them and they are So. Fucking. Annoying. The moniker says it all; they have to, absolutely HAVE to, have the last word in an email thread. No matter how short, how final, how conversation fucking ending your email is, the LWE has to have, well, the last word. To wit: LWE: That was a very nice gesture; made my day! You: Cool; glad I could be of assistance. LWE: If there’s anything you need just let me know. You: Will do. LWE: OK OK? Really, LWE? Was that even meaningful? Sometimes it’s just an emoji, if even they are forced to admit that they’ve run out of words to use in the endless continuation of the email thread. LWE: Good to hear from you! Have a nice day! You: Same here; you too! LWE: :-) It’s a sickness, folks; a need to get the last word in no matter how ridiculous, desperate and batshit crazy it makes them look. In my daily dealings I’ve learned who the LWEs are in my world and, I’m not proud to admit this, folks, but I’ve been known to fuck with them every now and then. Yeah, not proud but boy does it feel good when it goes right! Me: Hey thanks for the info; I’ll keep that in mind when I write the paper. LWE: Excellent! Let me know how it goes! Me: Will do; I’ll keep you right in the loop! Have a good one! (BIG HINT: For a normal person this would be the concluding transmission) LWE: You, too! Me: Thanks! LWE: No problem! Me: Here either! :-) (Here I upped the ante with MY OWN smiley face emoji - HAH! At this point I can almost hear them sweating as they, beginning to be panic-stricken, cast about for something else to say. Here’s where it gets fun.) LWE: OK then, later gator! (The lame attempt at levity can’t begin to hide their growing confusion - WHO IS THIS FUCKER - they think) Me: Later! (The tension is palpable; the LWE is almost crazed with the need to FUCKING CONCLUDE THIS CHARADE! I AM THE EMAIL ENDER! WHO IS THIS INTERLOPER!?) LWE: ;-) (A WINKY FACE?! HAH! Pathetic. I declare victory and let them off the hook just because I’m getting bored with this game.) No response forthcoming from me, the LWE’s breathing begins to return to normal and the flop sweat my outstanding challenge created drips onto their still steaming keyboard. I, on the other hand, relax at my end with a delicious chocolate bar as reward for giving that annoying asshole a reminder that sometimes, not always, but sometimes, the last word isn’t what it seems. I give it a few minutes of false relief and then, wait for it...wait for it...


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