Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: A Penny For Your Tweets!

So in this, the penultimate episode of the season, we were treated to three story threads. I will categorize them as "maximally predictable and therefore boring", "most boring" and finally, "most spectacularly ridiculous". Let's begin with the one called boring, shall we?

Maximally Predictable and Therefore Boring Story Thread (and the only one that will presumably conclude in next week's season finale). All season we've been guided, by the Gorga/Guidice cavalcade of turmoil from Haterville at the start of the season, up to Happyville now that we're approaching season's end. Throughout that ride we've had to watch not one, but two, healing-our-problems-through-various-Bravo-sponsored-drek-disguised-as-legitimate-therapy getaways that finally resulted in the lovefest that was the Miraval Heal-A-Palooza. Yeah, everyone's happy and back in love with everyone else, but suspicious Melissa never quite gave up on the whole "I smell a rat and her name is Theresa" mess that started us out. Be that as it may, Melissa's been trying mightily to keep up appearances with the fambly and in so doing, has been dishing out lots of two-cheek air kisses and fake love for her in-laws and their offspring. Well this week her secret sleuthing has finally paid off because now she's got JSTA on board and honing in on some wierdo named Penny and her insistent trash-talking about Melissa's ongoing blowjob status with her ex-boyfriend. Penny's been a busy gal, what with her paid chats to every lowbrow rag that will listen to her. In fact, she's been so busy gossiping about the Gorgas that she's had to enlist the aid of a shadowy conspirator, namely her husband, who's been Tweeting overtime with every 140 character snippet he's fed by the vast Melissa-hating universe residing in North Jersey. Presumably this haterverse is presided over by none other than the sister-in-law from Hell, our little Thereser. Who is back in galpal love with boring-ass Jacqueline, also, oddly, the recent recipient of hate Tweets about her public appearances (can I get an amen!) and the validity of her kid's disability. Shit, up until that last part I was totes on board since, as you all know, I find Jacqueline a barely tolerable little ninny. Hells I could write some Tweets of my own. But the stuff with the kid, not so much. Just as an aside: Chris Laurita, he the owner of an entire cabinet of firearms of every conceiveable caliber, is pretty pissed off by this development and I gotta say: he's not the guy I'd want pissed off at me. Just sayin'. buds again, T and Jacqueline stumble into Posche and Crack Hoe Kim D, the evil playa in all things Melissa-hating (and proprietor of Posche) greets them with the news that she's opening POSCHE 2!! WooooHoooo!!! More face time for Crack Hoe Kim, whose face is getting scarier and scarier and I'm now wondering if Bravo's makeup team have been instructed to kinda make her look like The Emperor from Star Wars on purpose just so we dummies don't miss that: SHE'S THE BAD GUY!!

Crack Hoe Kim tells the duo that she's inviting "all the girls" to the splashy opening of POSCHE 2, so, T should beware that Penny's gonna be there. Uh, that the Guidices and Gorgas are all lovey-dovey again this could present some uncomfortable problems for Thereser because, lets face it, who on earth doesn't know that she's been behind all the evil Tweeting and dirty deets on Melissa the Blow Job Queen. Of course, that was before she saw the light of fambly love get rekindled and all that. Thereser, being the behind the scenes troublemaker that she is, launches right in on distancing herself from Penny. "We aren't even FRIENDS!" Crack Hoe Kim can't even keep a straight face for the camera on that one so she just silently nods...yeah, Tre...everyone knows that! The night of the big POSCHE 2! opening party the shit starts to hit the fan when Penny comes stumbling in with, again Bravo must have done this to her on purpose, THE WORST hair extensions EVER! Also, super sweaty makeup. The whole gang, brought together by the drinking-drumming-horseshoe cleaning-zip line riding Heal-A-Palooza at Miraval, advances on Penny as a group. Dirty C actually looks like she's about to slug someone. Melissa straightaway demands "da troot" from Penny who immediately fingers Thereser as the "feeder of damning information in Chief" going so far as to show her texts from T directing Penny to be her third party Melissa attack dog. Thereser, sputtering, her eyes taking up half her face in faux astonishment, of couse denies EVERYTHING! What is it about these Posche events? You'd think that Melissa, at least would know by now that they're just going to turn into a drive-by assassination of her sterling integrity. Oh, wait! My bad. Bravo writes all this shit this way so...yeah. Accusations get flung! Denials result! And then Penny's shadowy partner in crime, her mystery Tweeter husband walks in and that's this ep's end of the storyline. But of course, we see in previews for next weeks finale the inevitable JSTA on everyone giant punches and wrestle moves and general mayhem...just like last year. Which leads us to the next storyline, THe Boringest.

The Most Boring Story Thread. The gigantic loser Manzo brothers finally manage to open their restaurant "Little Town" in Hoboken. Of course BLK, that genius business plan of selling bottled water that is...wait for it: BLACK...didn't quite pan out. In fact its tanked. Wow! Surprise there, right? Dirty C even fesses up on a voiceover that she's got high hopes for Little Town because BLK has become "a challenge". Yeah, Mama...way to cover.'s opening night and the whole gang shows up to support Little Al Jr and his barely aware brother Chris. In fact from the camera shots it appears that they're the only people who show up. And the meatballs are still not right. Mom and Dad taste 'em and immediately pronounce them not ready for prime time. In her talking head immediately following, Dirty C takes it up a notch by stating that, her meatballs and gravy (NJ Italianese for tomato sauce) are way better. This little band of assholes start to eat each other when no one else is around to destroy. Chilling little family dynamic there at Chez Manzo. Yeah, also? The last couple of eps have given us exterior shots of the Manzo compound and those giant German Shepards are housed in a wire enclosure where they are constantly on screen barking ferociosly. Mob ties looking pretty locked in to this viewer. Bada Bing! So that was actually it for this segment which is why I've deemed it the most boring story thread of the night. Which brings us to the last and I've saved the best for last: The Most Spectacularly Ridiculous storyline of the night.

The Most Spectacularly Ridiculous Story Thread, wherein we are to believe that Melissa Gorga is going to launch a career as a pop singer well into her 30s, married and the mother of three small children. Well, maybe Biebs needs a babysitter for the road. Anyway, surely with Bravo's help, Meliss gets a sit-down with Johnny Wright, he of the Orlando-based boy band making fame, who promptly whisks her and JSTA off to his "compound" in Orlando wherein they will turn this way too old, piss poor "singer" into a recording artist. I'm talking Kim Zolciak piss-poor singer level. Even Johnny has an undisguisded smirk of derision, but Bravo's fronting the bill and he can use the publicity or something like that. So whenever Melissa is asked to sing acappella and on the spur of the moment she always comes up with some lame ass excuse like she's got a cold or her throat hurts or it's springtime on the planet Jupiter, but it doesn't matter what the fuck she SAYS is keeping her from being able to sing, fact of the matter is the bitch can't fucking sing, people. Like can't carry a tune can't sing, like misses notes all over the fucking place can't sing, like DOESN'T REALIZE SHE'S WAY OFF KEY can't sing. Which she shows us again, down in the Orlando studio when her vocal coach asks her to sing. Her own song. That she wrote. Just show me what you can do, he reasonably asks: sing for me. Don't need to tell you what came next but I will: epic fail. Oh, and Johnny and she met and he's got her set up for some performance at a local Top 40 radio station...the next day. Live in front of an audience. Almost certainly a Bravo-paid for shill audience, but an audience nonetheless. Right away she starts clearing her throat. Melissa is a major ass tool. Team Theresa looks better every week.

So the bitch utterly bombs with her vocal coach, can't stay on pitch on her own song and is making all kinds of excuses as to why. Um, Melissa? YOU CAN'T FUCKING SING, BITCH, THAT'S WHY! The vocal coach looks thoroughly disgusted but nuts up and plays his part anyway. Of course JSTA, ever in attendance when his angel is performing, is the only one in the whole fucking place that thinks he's married to the next big thing. Honestly, I know they say that love is blind but in the case of this 'roid case it's deaf and dumb, too. Next day, at the radio station, the shill crowd files in, oddly without a single smiling face. Until she gets up to sing, that is, and then, nearly in choreographed unison, everyone raises their phone to record this history-making performance. The launch of Melisa Gorga! Theresa hits it straight on in her talking head when she cattily smirks, "I'm proud of Melissa going after her dream to be a pop singer at her age, married and with three kids. I guess there's always a first time." Yeah, every now and then Tre gets a good zinger and hits the bullseye. Especially about Melissa. These two still so clearly hate each other's guts, all the big old fambly shit notwithstanding. So the performance goes forward, with backup dancers and all, and of course she sucks balls. I mean really sucks balls. She screeches, she misses note after note and she stomps around the stage like a fucking rhinoceros. But JSTA, standing his nearly-a-little-person self on a chair, screams and hoots and hollers in appreciation of his untalented darling. Poor, clueless JSTA. Johnny Wright says he can get her a slot on some bill for a concert next summer. The number 150,000 is repeated about a half dozen times. As in, there will be 150,000 in attendance. can't ever buy back your reputation, no matter how much Bravo is paying you for this shit. Plus, she's gonna totes break your autotune equipment so I'd bill Bravo for that stuff up front.

Anyway, that little nugget concluded the episode but not before we see a sneak peak of next week's season finale. It's about what you'd expect from a RHONJ finale, especially one that takes place at a Posche event: punches will be thrown, screams will shatter glass and everybody's hair's gonna get messed up. Hopefully this time JSTA will have put some spray fix on that black shoe polish he uses on his little billiard ball noggin so at least all those posh Posche clothes don't get messed up. See you next week!

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