Sunday, September 15, 2013

The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Two! Two! Two Recaps In One!

So I'm gonna kinda punk out on this week's recap by adding in - at no additional charge to you - LAST WEEK'S recap! How about that? We begin - still - at Miraval, that healing camp for bored, rich first-worlders who just need to fucking HEAL PEOPLE! Well, our little rowdy band of revelers wrapped up their Heal-A-Palooza with the lamest "trust fall" I've ever seen. And that includes the drunken trust falls they did on their last night, in their last healing adventure, at the Adirondyke Mount-Ins. Yeah, this time they had to get all harnessed up, don their "don't crush your tiny skulls" helmets, and climb what looked to be a telephone pole circa 1945, with the tiny iron footholds and everything. Two at a time they scaled the heights (about 30 feet we are told) and hold on to each other as they take teeney-tiny steps along a wire. Clasped at the shoulders they are forced to lean into each other and slide along, usually no more than four or five steps before they step off and hang, harnessed, in mid-air only to be lowered to the dusty ground and congratulated by all the other trusters-in-waiting. Psssht. It was pretty stupid and I'm sure did nothing to actually build trust, which these silly exercises never do, anyway. So after the trust suspension bridge demonstration, everyone just headed back to their rooms to get ready to leave, but not before an evening of food and drank wherein everyone decided that the Guidices and the Gorgas needed to seriously bond together as a FAMILY to shut down all of the evil chatter, Twitter and otherwise, about Melissa's alleged blow jobs with her old boyfriend. Done and done. But not before JSTA flew into a completely unprovoked rage and threw his champagne glass smashing into the stone fireplace to the open astonishment of everyone. Melissa yanked him off screen but we can hear (and see in subtitles) the tongue lashing that she gives him offstage, several times calling him an idiot. Yeah, I'm predicting that Thereser will eventually be proved correct in that it's just a matter of time before Golddigger Melissa dumps her brotha for a richer dude. Really, really, really not feeling the love for Melissa these days.

Back in Joisey, the gang disperses into their respective lives: Thereser and Jacqueline are back in love, Katy has struck a deal with an event planner to help kick-start her cannolli biz, and Melissa is alternately reinvigorating her singing "career" and continuing to hunt down the source of the blow job rumors. Ahem...even though she pledged to stop doing that back at the Miraval final night Kumbaya "we're all one fambly" close out. Turns out the blk storyline is still alive - amazingly - since last we heard about it two of the three super loser Manzo kids, namely the boys Little Albie and Chris the Barely Cognizant, had seemingly washed their hands of the whole blk schtick and were focusing their monumentally loser-y business acumen on opening a New Jersey themed restaurant. Anyhoo, their Uncle The Bankroller - Chris Laurita - tells JSTA over a glass or 10 of vino, that blk is still alive and well but that it's "alot of work". In fact, it's SO alive and well that they're getting ready to have the blk imprimatur host some kind of sports themed charity event for autism. Basketball will be played! Blk will be shilled! Jacqueline Laurita will sob annoyingly as she struggles to deliver the keynote speech! Yeah, that last one really did happen and it was, as Jacqueline's appearances on screen always are, majorly B-O-R-I-N-G. FF button is my friend when it comes to Jacqueline. But you already knew that.

Kathy and her crew, laden with about 1,000 business cards, a big ol' poster and tons of cannollis, head into the Big Apple to make a sales pitch appearance at Dylan's Candy Bar a NYC biz owned by none other than Dylan Lauren, daughter of Ralph Lauren. Of course neither Dylan nor her father are anywhere in sight, but drama ensues anyway, as the Wakile family struggle to get their shit together and get the fuck out of Jersey and across the bridge. Once there, Kathy pitches a fit when none of her "personally invited" family or friends appear at the store to support her in this, the launch of her business. Not a one. King Douchebag calls them - ironically - "douchebags" and he lamely tells Kathy: "I'm here". Yeah you are KD, you are. Being the good egg that she is, Kath soldiers on and they all finally show the fuck up, but pretty late. No problem, Kathy the Doormat greets them with open arms and big smiles, thanking them profusely for coming out to support her. Poor Kathy.

Melissa and JSTA also make their way across the river into the big city to meet with Johnny Wright, music producer extraordinaire, to pitch him on repping Melissa. Yeah, Melissa who fucking can't sing her way out of a paper bag but who, nonetheless, is convinced that stardom is def in her future. I don't know who Bravo had to pay off to get this guy on the show but it's just as likely that, being the fame whore that he is - according to his Wikipedia entry - Mr. Wright was just looking for the free face time on air to pimp out his vast music production compound in Orlando. He proceeds to tell the Gorgas that if Melissa wants to be in the biz she's gonna have to jettison her family and COMMIT BITCH! He agrees to stop by Chez Gorga with some of his posse to check out her in-house studio and hear her attempt to sing one of his stable of writers' new songs. So, with the song writer and an A&R girl in tow, Mr. Wright appears at da Gorga crib and downstairs they all go. I don't think I need to tell you but I will: MELISSA CAN'T SING!!! She makes all kinds of fucked up excuses and insists that she hears distracting static in her headphones which nobody else can hear, but basically the bitch can't hit a single note straight. It's embarrassingly bad and everyone from the Wright Production House is clearly uncomfortable. Nevertheless, Mr. Johnny tells Melissa that she needs to come down to HIS production world in Orlando and let the Wright team work her over. Melisa looks way queasy but nods "yes". Enough of that storyline and for any of you that follow the Atlanta housewives, this plot line is exactly like Kim's foray into "singing".

Finally we get Melissa and JSTA - AGAIN - out for a date night dinner ("I love you in leather" JSTA purrs creepily) when who should Melissa spy with her little eye but the infamous PENNY up at the bar! Now Penny is the vehicle through which the blow job rumors have been surfacing but Melissa and JSTA want to know: WHO IS FEEDING YOU THIS INFORMATION PENNY? Three fucking guesses. Lovey dovey "we've all made up and are moving forward as a fambly" Thereser. DUN DUN DUN...! Um, is anyone ON EARTH suprised by this yawn-inducing "dramatic reveal"? Who DIDN'T see this coming? So next week's preview shows an outraged Thereser being confronted by Penny with Melissa and JSTA listening on avidly. Should be good, right? RIGHT? Anyway, it should be...well...something. See you next week!

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