Saturday, June 29, 2013

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap Episode Four: The Showdown at the Gym K Corral

It's time for the RHONJ Recap from me, The ABIB! Here's the highlights, well, maybe the lowlights:

The Gorga/Guidice Interstellar World of Dysfunction is starting to coalesce. That is to say, Thereser and JSTA and their respective minions are starting to circle the wagons in earnest. Melissa tells JSTA about the disco party ambush and JSTA, not surprised, refers to Crack Hoe Kim D and Gym Spy Linda as Thereser's "soldiers". Yikes. Time to lay off The Soprano's there, JSTA. On the other side of the interstellar lunatic ride, Thereser, as per normal, is bitching out Melissa and her brotha to largely monosyllabic Juicy Joe. JJ seems even less interested than we are, if that's possible, and basically dismisses Melissa as a lying, scheming bitch. With a gigantic forehead. Really, JJ? You're married to the First Lady of the Planet of the Apes and you wanna go to foreheads?

Unfortunately Bravo did NOT hear my plea to get the fuck rid of the collossally annoying Manzo kids, so here we go to Hoboken where the brothers Manzo are about to open a new restaurant. In the clip montage leading up to this we are treated to past views of the epic failure that was BLK. Why did it fail you ask? Um, because it's fucking BLACK WATER. Duh. Anyway, in the clip we see the two losers trying mightily to shill this inexplicable swill - WHO THE FUCK NEEDS WATER TO BE BLACK - with a great shot of Uncle Chris Laurita, the erstwhile investor, looking on with an expression of mild annoyance coupled with bafflement. Probably was baffled with himself for having agreed to this meshuggana nonsense. We also get a much older shot of Little Al telling Dirty C that law school REJECTED HIM! Which prompts DC to admonish him to "NEVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU YOU CAN'T DO SOMETHING!". Then she bursts into very loud, kinda fake, weeping. Uh, well, truth be told, DC, law school CAN tell your precious prince that he can't do something: he can't be a fucking LAWYER! Anyway, DC's crying but Little Al seems pretty cool with the whole thing. So let's see...he's gotten rejected from: college, law school, police academy and failed miserably at trying to sell toxic waste as an appealing drink. So what's the next logical step? Opening a restaurant, that's what! They've hired an executive chef but DC barges in there anyway and tells him that he's making the meatballs all wrong. I found myself yelling at the TV: RUN EXECUTIVE CHEF! RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE! Oh, the place is called Little Town and it's going to feature all things Joisey. Yeah, 'cause there's no other places like that in...New Jersey. At this point I'm reminded of a bit from SNL wherein Amy Poehler, reporting the news, says that New Jersey is about to change their license plate motto to read: New Jersey: Who Farted? For anyone that's ever driven through Elizabeth, NJ, that makes a whole lotta sense.

Quick cut to Kathy and Rosie having dinner with their mother. The requisite bitch and moan fest about Thereser's father ensues. Kathy's mother and Thereser's father are siblings but have not spoken in many years. If they ever told us what the nature of that rift is I honestly can't recall. Clearly Mama does NOT want to talk about her brother but Big 'Ol Drunk Ass Rosie, in between slurps of Scotch, insists upon it. She blubbers endlessly about this that and the other, mostly how Thereser is a disrespectful whore, and through it all Mama remains silent. Kathy joins in at first but quickly gets it that her mother does NOT want to discuss it and clams up. Not so Drunk Ass Rosie, who, rather than getting her mother's very apparent non-verbal cues, presses on more loudly and with more angry rhetoric until Mama finally tells her to STOP! Thanks, Mama; it's always annoying to have to listen to a drunk-ass nutjob go on and on so we're right there with you.

Next up: Kathy has planned a co-birthday party for King Douchebag who is turning 49 and Victoria who is turning 19. So I guess it's a biggie since it's the last one before 50 and the last in the teens. One would think she'd just go ahead and wait for the big 5-0 and the big 2-0, but what the hell. Once again we're whisked to some classay eatery and the crowd's all there: the Manzos, the Lauritas, the Gorgas. Of course Thereser and JJ were not invited. Soon enough DC is seated amongst all her bitches and dispensing her sage advice with the same holier-than-thou blah, blah, blah demeanor. She predicts that Thereser is NEVA GONNA TAWK TO ANY OF YOUS. Duh, DC, what the fuck? Who on earth DIDN'T KNOW THAT? She is such a sanctimonious bitch. But I see cracks in the goodgals exteriors. Both Kathy and Melissa are starting to get annoyed with DC and, truth be told, with each other. We are again dragged through the detailed daily schedule of Thereser's father's recent hospital stay, as Melissa recounts to the gals her attack at the hands of T and her "soldiers" at Gia's birthday party. Kathy especially, is not 'pressed. Her face seems to imply that Melissa's story, no matter how heartfelt, doesn't hold water. This might get interesting as Team Gorga/Manzo/Wakile/Laurita begins to unravel. At this point I'm picturing Thereser, dressed as the Emperor from Star Wars, rubbing her hands together and intoning: Gooooood.....goooooood...

Also at the birthday bash, JSTA tries to get a hooker for Little Joseph, who at 16, is seated at the big boy's bench and thus open to all kinds of bullshit. Joseph seems truly alarmed as the girl sits down next to him and leaps to his feet, stuttering: HEY I'M ONLY 16! Yeah, boy, but JSTA wants to watch. Yuck.

Back to the girls table and Drunk Ass Rosie is bellowing about some crap or other and screams at an attractive woman (with her HUSBAND) across the room that can't she get "JUST ONE KISS!?" I'm sensing an intervention is in store for Drunk Ass Rosie. Shockingly the woman grants the request and so we get to see THAT. Drunk Ass Rosie macking on some stranger while HER HUSBAND LOOKS ON, with a rather disturbed expression showing clearly through his strained smile. I mean, can you imagine this group of nutcases winding up on any random night in some bar or restaurant and just basically bull-in-a-china-shopping the whole place? Once kissed, Drunk Ass Rosie gets wind of the conversation at the ladies table, that Thereser doesn't want to see any of them. Well, that's all it takes; Drunk Ass Rosie goes full blast, screaming like a maniac (and drawing frightened looks from the other patrons) about how "SHE DON'T WANT TO SEE US? MAYBE WE DON'T WANT TO FUCKING SEE HER!" She makes various rude physical gestures and basically bombasts her way to the center of the conversation. I'm going to just say here that, as of this season, Drunk Ass Rosie is becoming as intolerable for me as Dirty C. Yeah, it's that bad. She's stopped being the pretty-stupid-but-really-kinda-harmless-cute sideline character and is now the pretty-stupid-angry-belligerent-drunk character. Who constantly uses her belligerence to horn into the center of every scene she's a part of. Nicht git.

So the final set piece of this week is the Showdown At The Gym K Corral between Thereser and JSTA. JSTA is there early in the AM, doing some serious lifting (again, JSTA, the loud grunting with every lift? Right out of The Sopranos. STOP IT!), when who should spot him but Thereser, who is getting one of Gym Soldier Linda's evil workouts. T decides she should bury the hatchet and approaches JSTA to say hello. Before that she AGAIN asks the question: why are they at MY GYM if they're not obsessed with me? Oy vey, T, where to begin? JSTA is flat on his back under the weights and T offers to spot him. JSTA says, not entirely jokingly, are you going to drop them on me? Assured that she won't JSTA proceeds to do one more press with T serving as his spotter and then gets up. Within like three seconds they are at each other, hurling accusations and pressin' charges! JSTA endures a few hollow volleys about Melissa's devotion to their father and blah, blah, blah and then he brings out the big guns. Hey, he flings at his sister: "I wouldn't call my wife a C..T" Yeowch. Didn't know you had it in you, JSTA. Of course what he's referring to is a scene from last year's trip to California, where JJ receives, and accepts, a call on his cell as they're all seated to dinner in celebration of DC's 50th. The camera followed him off screen and we hear him speaking quietly to someone, who we presume, is a girlfriend (but who later he tells us was a business partner) and to this person refers to his "wife the c..t". Again, yeowch. Thereser recoils from her brother's reminder of this fairly awful fact and, in true Thereser fashion, deflects the issue back to Melissa, how she controls JSTA and well, the same old Thereser same old. JSTA presses on asking T how JJ treats his daughters and that makes her get the Thereser crazy eye, that of the old table flipping variety, but instead she inarticulately growls at him. And then flings the contents of her water bottle at JSTA as she angrily stalks out of the gym. JSTA, not to be outdone, and probably pretty pissed off about the water throwing, follows after her shouting accusations and repeating the incriminating volley. To us JSTA in his voice-over, states that the biggest mistake his sister ever made was marrying JJ. Hmmm...could be true? But you know, JSTA, she's pretty wacko herself, so, there's that.

Tune in next time when we continue to follow the spiraling vortex of dysfunction that is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Oh, and the surely imminent demise of that fucking restaurant.

1 comment:

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