Friday, June 14, 2013
The Wendy's Girl: Giving Gingers Everywhere A Bad Name
You've seen her. On TV, in print, online, she's everywhere and she's giving every honest redheaded person on earth a black eye with her superior, know-it-all, "hey you fucking slob, you're lucky I showed up to prove to you what a clueless loser you are" vibe. It never fails, some hapless schmuck is getting ready to bite into some crap or other and along comes this evil little bitch to cheerfully tell him that he has chosen...poorly, as she makes to bite into HER far superior, much more tasty and much more fiscally sound food choice: a Wendy's whatever. Poor schmuck gets all embarrassed and pretends for a half second that his original choice is still viable...he's cool with it...he's not the least bit shamed by her fake cheery bombast. But that false bravado only lasts a moment more because everyone who comes face-to-face with the blistering wrath that is The Wendy's Girl knows it's only a matter of time before they're going to give in. To her better judgement, her far more appealing offering, because her cheerful "Now That's Better!" chirp is a very thinly veiled threat to eat HER Wendy's crap or face HER Wendy's judging wrath. Every dude who owns a TV knows the drill and dares not to question the Pavlovian command when she barks it:
"Feet Up! Game On! Face deep in a Baconater!"
She's a cross between Nurse Wratchet and every fast food eating, can't get a date, online gaming nerd's wet dream. She's Mommy and the hot intern all rolled into one: YOU'LL EAT WHAT I TELL YOU AND YOU'LL LIKE IT, MISTER! Me? I'd like to see her get her comeuppance and being The ABIB, I've thought it through and here's how I see it going down.
After a day's worth of shaming non-Wendy's eating losers, our evil, red-headed know-it-all is headed home to her meticulously decorated apartment, where even a misplaced paper doily is straightened immediately lest it ruin the perfect neatness that is "home". Because you know her place is a just-so girly cave whose museum-like cleanliness is a reflection of her self-righteousness. She's even bossy to her belongings. Anyway, halfway there she senses that she's not alone and turns about to find herself face-to-face with Ronald McDonald and The Burger King.
Hello, Wendy, Ronald purrs malevolently, how's tricks?
Yeah, Red, The King chimes in, how's every little thing?
What do you two losers want? I'm in a hurry here...to check out your falling sales numbers among the key demographics that don't want toys with their lunches, cheap paper crowns or anything cooked in a greasy flame.
The King recoils slightly from that one and she knows she's struck a blow. But Ronald advances closer and leans in.
In a million years you'll never get the kind of numbers that I'll be able to take for granted into the next decade, you poser bitch.
This one hits home and Wendy's Girl staggers back slightly, but just as quickly recovers her composure and advances.
Bring it you clown-faced freak! I'll take your sorry-ass Big Macs on any day of the fucking week. Just try me! I'll bring the Baconater AND some Chili Cheese Fries AND Asiago Ranch Chicken AND a chocolate/vanilla swirled Frosty down on your sorry ass so hard you'll wish you'd never been hatched out of whatever ad man's head you came from. Whatever sick fuck that was.
Now The King has recovered and, side-by-side with Ronald McDonald, they begin to slowly advance on The Wendy's Girl, who stands her ground, feet firmly planted, hands on her hips in defiance of their menace. She actually starts to laugh, shaking her head back and forth in derisive amusement.
You old fuckers don't even have a clue, do you? They eat my shit BECAUSE of ME! ME! The Wendy's Girl! They do what I tell them to do so buzz the fuck off!
The King and Ronald stop short and look at each other warily. A bead of sweat trickles slowly down The King's forehead. Ronald steps forward and whistles shrilly. Stepping out from around the corner are Mayor McCheese, The Hamburgler, Grimace, Birdy the Early Bird, and The Fry Kids. The Wendy's Girl is now surrounded but is still defiant, her eyes ablaze.
We've got you now, says Ronald, and we're gonna have a little "discussion", aren't we fellas?
The other characters chuckle as they close in.
With that, The Wendy's Girl, unleashes a high-pitched, venomous cackle and as she disappears into a cloud of red smoke her voice echos eerily all around them.
"Now that's better!"
An icy wind howls down the street. The other characters all scatter, except for The Burger King, who straightens his paper crown and strides purposefully into the setting sun.
The Carolina BBQ Tendercrisp Sandwich, he whispers into the gathering darkness as he smiles to himself, yes, I think that will do just fine.