Monday, June 3, 2013

The ABIB Recaps: The Real Housewives of New Jersey Season Opener!

Hello everyone! Here we go again, back in Joisey, back for another round of Eyetalian on Eyetalian family love/hate, otherwise known as The Real Housewives of New Jersey, which The ABIB has to admit is her very favorite of the Real Housewives crap-o-rama franchise. Let's not delay, shall we, but jump right in. The season opens with camera-in-the-back-seat-of-various-SUVs-view of the effects of Superstorm Sandy on our characters' beloved Joisey Shore. The first voice we hear is that of A-Numero Uno Douchebag, Richie Wakile, who tells his wife in her shotgun seat, that he "can't believe that this is the United States". Yeah, cause we don't usually have weather, here, Rich. Dipshit. In the Gorga vehicle, our little stripper Melissa is all agog as they approach Chez Gorga At The Shore. For what its worth, their beach house is pretty much wrecked and the Bravo producers have helpfully edited in stills of what each devastated room used to look like. Sorry, I really can't get into this fake drama POV; these are SECOND VACATION homes, folks. There were others' primary residences that were swept out to sea. Muck and mold and general water rot damage everywhere, but, as they stand in water in what had been the front foyer, Joey "Still The Ape" Gorga wants his beloved wife to "flip the switch; let's see if the lights work". Luckily, for their kids, Melissa has the semblance of a fucking brain and tells him in no uncertain terms that it's probably kind of dangerous to try and turn on the electricity right now. Joey Still the Ape finds that pretty funny. But he's still working on being able to count his fingers and toes.

Juicy Joe and Tereser are also surveying the damage to their place, and Juicy Joe's even got some of his guido bagmen hard at work with their nail guns and drills. Actually using them for the purpose for which they were created. Bada Bing! Juicy Joe is waxing philosophic as he scans the storm's wrath, telling Tereser that they're all just, as that Kansas song says: "Dust in the Air". Yeah, Juicy Joe's still a few bricks shy of even a half load. We get Melissa's recap of the whole Superstorm and it's bad-assery in a nutshell when she tells us "Sandy is a bitch". Nicely said, Meliss; nicely said.

Back in North Joisey at the Guidice compound, Tereser has marshalled her little princesses to comb through their many belongings to pull together a collection for those families who have been impacted by Sandy and don't also live in North Caldwell or Franklin Lakes. Now, I am not one to criticize the notion of introducing your children to the idea of charity and helping others, but leave it to Tereser to fuck up an otherwise nearly fuck-up proof concept by telling us that she knows that the storm's survivors are going to need "glamorous things" and since they have SO MUCH MORE glamour than they can possibly use, why not share the wealth? As it were. Yeah, T, maybe those shimmery little wispy nothing cocktail dresses can get in line behind, um, food? Shelter? Potable water? Just a guess.

Jacqueline is already crying on camera about one of her kids. Constantly. Lord.

Rosie is still a monosyllabic blockhead. So.

You heard it here first: Caroline's hair is inexplicable. Last season, during her "I think I'm in menopause but not nearly old enough so let me get every quack test on earth" story line/mid-life crisis, she let it grow out which was not a good look for her...not a good look at all. Apparently this year's approach is to let it get even longer and then stop washing it altogether, which prompts me to rename her already. From here on out Caroline will be known in this blog as Dirty C. Dirty C's daughter Lauren's shirt announces in big, bold letters: "Bad Mood". Great. As Lauren is the corporeal embodiment of something like a Bad Mood, it's actually helpful truth in advertising for this pain-in-the-ass hoebag. We learn that Dirty C and Albert "The Boss" SR are testing the "downsizing" waters for a year by moving from their Franklin Lakes estate to an apartment in Hoboken. Hoboken, you may recall, is the 'hood where Dirty C's two worshipped sons live. When challenged by the always viciously jealous Bad Mood herself, Dirty C announces, in a huff, that she is in no way "stalking" her sons by moving directly into their neighborhood. Down the street. Dirty C is quickly becoming kinda skeevy, and is already a monumental jackass who, predictably, never fucking shuts up about it. Also, Dirty C is no longer satisfied with endlessly meddling in the lives of her three children, well, at least the boys', she clearly couldn't give a shit about Bad Mood.

In what's shaping up to be one of the creepiest storylines of ANY RH franchise, Dirty C has decided that she and Joey Still The Ape share a special bond and that she is going to focus on his problems because, of course, her superior meddling skillz are what he needs to fix any and all fucked-up family issues that have plagued him forever. Oh, and one other thing: she don't need no fucking Melissa mixing her wifely shit into their special relationship, so she asks Joey Still The Ape out for coffee. Alone. As she's telling Jacqueline of these plans and bragging about she feels so protective of this much younger, married man, and how, by the way, she knows EXACTLY how to fix the Gorga/Guidice problems once and for all, Jacqueline stares mutely at her sis-in-law and then addresses us directly. She tells us that she is SO OVER the whole Guidice/Gorga drama train and that at this point, for her, it's right up there with "bleaching her asshole". Hey, thanks for sharing that, babe. Now we all have to bleach our ears.

Back at the Guidice compound, the main storyline of the EP is brewing, namely a playdate for two eight-year-olds, Melissa's daughter and Tereser's daughter who have not seen each other for a year and have, apparently, been desperately pining for one another. Letter writing and all. Juicy Joe announces, when he hears of this incipient juvenile reconciliation, that Melissa is a "stank ass beyotch". Yay! Juicy Joe has not lost one iota of his classy edge...LUCKILY!

Later in the EP, as Melissa is preparing to bring her child together with her arch-nemesis, Joey Still the Ape takes the opportunity to tell her that Dirty C has invited him out for coffee. Alone. What the WHAT? Melissa looks at him as if he's grown a third eye in the middle of his Neanderthal forehead and asks: "She doesn't want me to come?" Joey Still The Ape verifies that, no, Dirty C just wants coffee with him. Melissa asks the camera why an older woman would ask a younger married man out for coffee and specify that his wife is most def NOT invited. Hmmm...really? But she's clearly pretty skeeved out and frankly, me too. Especially when Joey Still The Ape dreamily tells us how he feels a special bond with Dirty C, and that she's the older sister he never had. But JSTA: you do have an older sister with whom you, until recently, had a borderline incestuous relationship. Yeah...This. Is. GREAT! I predict that this new storyline is going to be fucking awesome!

So the playdate went forward, Tereser and Melissa circled each other politely but basically stayed out of each other's way. A minor skirmish ensued when it was discovered that each of their kids had some kind of critical Catholic coming-of-age ceremony on THE SAME DAY! Hackles were raised, the dead rose, the spectre of the Gorga 'rents having to decide which ceremony to attend was hinted at, and super-surprisingly it was Tereser who backed down and agreed to postpone her kid's thing and book another date. Of course, as they were all leaving the beading store (which is where the play date from hell was hosted), we hear Tereser assassinating her sister-in-law with her typical venom. Ah, the RHONJ shit is like none other!

So there you have it. We got some previews of the season to end the EP: your standard Joe on Joe righteous pounding, some Melissa begging dramatically at Tereser's feet for peace from hostilities, and implied marital woes for both Kathy and Dirty C thrown in for good measure. Oh, and the requisite, annual Senior Gorga health crisis allusion. Shortness of breath? Chest pain? Too much rigatoni? Also, can I say that I'm loving that we now have subtitles? Stay tuned.

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