Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 3: It's Gia's Birthday Party!

We open on Thereser bustin' her ass - literally - at the gym with her gym rat friend Linda. She's telling Linda that she's excited for Gia's 12th BD party. Thereser's little clone has invited 65 of her closest friends to her first co-ed party but Thereser don't want her tawkin to boys. Thereser sent an invite to her bruthas house 'cause after her tawk with Dirty C she's feeling cautiously optimistic. Dirty C who has willfully inserted herself between Thereser and Joey Still The Ape, bemoans that she has to act as go between for the Gorga/Guidice vortex of dysfunction. I'm just going to make my standard response to Dirty C. Dirty C: STFU.

Gia and Juicy Joe are out getting some frozen yogurt and Gia says that she can't stand being with Milania because Milania insulted her body. She said Gia's got "a hairy grill". Shit where do these kids get this crap? JJ don't understand and all confused says: "she said you got hairy teeth?" Now, JJ, even I got the reference. Gia is clearly disgusted having to explain the real meaning to her father - IN A YOGURT SHOP WITH A CUTE YOGURT SERVER GUY RIGHT THERE- but dimwit finally gets it and reassures her that its just part of puberty. Gia is all ewwwwwwwwwww. We're right with you girl. Truly though they seem to have a sweet relationship. Oh, and Thereser tells us that they had to get right on the sex talk with Gia 'cause she walked in on them bumpin' uglies. But at least they were done. Again, and all together now: ewwwwwwwwww.

Back at Stately Laurita Manor, Dirty C is laying on the guilt to JSTA with a backhoe. "IFGAWFABID something should happen to your fatha I don't want you to have any regrets." Oh, and Dirty C confesses that she lied to JSTA, because Thereser didn't say she wanted to sit down an tawk with her brutha, she said she was willing to accept an apology from him. Uh, that's kind of a major discrepancy there, Dirts McGirts. Which brings me to my standard response to Dirty C: STFU.

Next we join up with Kathy's son Joseph and her sister Rosie tooling around in King Douchebag's new Ferrari. Aunt Rosie is egging the kid to goose the Ferraris accelerator in spite of the rain and heavy, fast moving traffic that is everywhere. He maybe has a learners permit. Maybe. But being the lunkhead offspring of King Douchebag he's totes up for the joyride. Dumbass Rosie tells us that she's "not the mother, she's the Aunt and she wants to be the FUN AUNT!" Huh...actually she maybe wants to be The Vehicular Homicide Aunt.

Back home, they pull into the driveway and Kathy and King Douchebag are mad as hell that they took the car out. At least Kathy is. Turns out KD out-douches himself by taking the kid aside ostensibly to chastise him but as soon as they're out of earshot KD is all: "so how was the car did you drive it good was it fun?" Basically sandbagging his wife to make "cool Dad" points with Joseph. He is the biggest asshole in a show ear-deep in assholes. The scene ends with The Three Cretins mocking Kathy for being a nagging grouch. Oh, Kath...please take this fish-lipped, slack-jawed, rap-mogul-glasses-wearing freak of nature to divorce court for every penny he has. Plus one bright red Ferrari.

Back at Chez Gorga we learn from JSTA that he's so sick that he ate a bowl of soup and it came right out his ass. Also we learn that in spite of telling Dirty C that he's up for a chat with Thereser, he changed his mind and doesn't want to see T or JJ. and as for that invite to Gia's BD party, he ain't going. Right about now Melissa's Voice Over is annoyed that Dirty C is having these convos with her husband without calling her. Back off Dirty C, says Melissa. Uh, yeah. At the gym Melissa has brought Kathy to "the easiest workout she does" and Kath's about to croak. Afterward the gals go for smoothies and even though Melissa says she's got a sore throat that "comes and goes" and therefore can't go to visit her father in law, Kath ain't buyin' and to the camera calls BS on Melissa. The gals are starting to eat each other folks.

Meanwhile, Linda, who we saw in the opening sequence working Thereser like a muthafucka at the gym is actually a spy planted by Thereser to report on ANYONE who dares to come into Thereser's gym. Thereser, having a coffee with Crack Hoe Kim D, gets a call from Linda, who reports, in scathing detail, about how Kathy, Melissa and Jacqueline are hanging out at Thereser's gym! The three women have a good laugh wondering how "Kathy could get her fat ass through the door" and how "Jacqueline's fat ass hasn't seen the inside of a gym in months" and on and on. Thereser tells us that her gym is "at least 45 minutes from Jacqueline's house" which proves she's there trespassing on Thereser's territory. To be strong on her.

Meanwhile, at the Manzo compound, Dirty C and her kid Stupid Ass Chris drive up to find her sis Fran out front with a giant pig named, we are told, Moo Shu. Stupid Ass Chris stupidly announces that he "just ate Chinese, like five minutes ago but now he wants more." OMG can't someone at Bravo just get rid of these monumentally moronic Manzo kids? Andy Cohen, help us out here would you? Dirty C needs to concoct a plan so that Al SR doesn't see Moo Shu so she figures she'll whisk him off to Hoboken until Moo Shu the rescue pig finds a better home. Or until Stupid Ass Chris fucking eats him. Oh and in the house we get a shot of a doggie peeing in the Manzo foyer. Why? Who the hell knows why?

The Guidice girls are all getting haircuts in prep for Gia's upcoming BD party. Gia heard from her Tia Joe, aka JSTA and...drum roll...he's not coming. Gia tells Thereser that he has pneumonia and that she's OK with him not coming but Thereser is determined to egg her directly into angry disappointment with the helpful reminder: "but he's your godfather". Gia is having none of it and tells Thereser to drop it! You go girl, way to shut down the Mama Drama. I'd give Gia a high five if I could but I can't so I lamely give one to the TV.

Melissa is getting her two older kids ready for the party by spraying enough lacquer on the boy's head to ignite an ICBM. Here's a tip kid: stay clear of the BD candles. In walks the ailing JSTA and promptly announces "I gotta put a plug in my ass". OMG, where do I begin with that set-up line? With sooooo many rejoinders to choose from I'll just let it be.

A butt plug? Really?


Sorry, I just had to.

JSTA gives Melissa her fighting orders. "Don't take no lip from nobody. If that Kim D's there you spit in her face."

The fabulous party is in full fabulous force when we join. Not surprisingly it's at some ultra-glitzy neon palace and the place is swarming with kids. Gia is surrounded by a gaggle of girls, and one boy, and they are all busily engaged with their smart phones. We learn that the boy, Christopher, is Gia's BFFL - Best Friend For Life. I actually found this kind of endearing, that Gia is BFFs with presumably a gay boy. I think Gia's going to be OK in spite of the fact that her mother and father are crazy. Speaking of which, JJ approaches the boy and, with a strange smile on his face, demands to know: "do you got a crush on my daughter?" Except since its so loud in there he has to shout it at the kid. Twice. Poor Little Christopher looks stricken. His face is filled with worry, confusion and fear but mostly he just looks terrified 'cause let's face it: its JJ doing the asking and he probably garrotes people for a living. Poor Christopher, who is likely thinking: crush? I want her outfit!

Now here comes Crack Hoe Kim D into the party just about the time Melissa arrives with her three kids. Also Gym Spy Linda is there so we've got the setup for the three witches bringing down the curse onto Melissa. They're already getting Thereser all righteously worked up because Melissa didn't visit Thereser's father in the hospital until after he'd already been there for four days. What a putan! Well it only takes a hot NJ minute for the three harpies to start, as Thereser so wonderfully puts it "interrogizing" Melissa, demanding that she exactly state to them when she visited Threser's father. Can I just state the obvious here and point out that these ladies live at a whole new level of pettiness. It has now become a fifth grade gang up sitch and Melissa is being barked at by three bejeweled attack dogs.


Not surprisingly Melissa gathers up her kids, before they can even have cake, and gets the fuck out of there. And the episode ends with Thereser, the original Mean Girl, bitching out Melissa The Wuss to JJ for being such a BIG SENSITIVE BABY, who's off to cry to JSTA and alienate him further. So what else is new? In the "coming next week" clip, Dirty C, sporting a breathtakingly unflattering pair of hipster specs, intones the obvious (par for the course) by telling Melissa? Jacqueline? Kathy? that Thereser will NEVER speak to them. Oh, and Crazy Sister Rosie's back doing her best Fred Flintstone In An Inarticulate Rage. Oh, and Dirty C? STFU.

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