Sunday, June 16, 2013

The Long Island Princesses, Episode 2: Wherein Casey Proves She Can Hold A Grudge...and Draw...Well, Kind Of

We join Amanda (she of the gay boyfriend Jeff) and her Mom Babs at the ritzy boutique where Babs works. So, correction, Amanda IS Jewish. So the two of them are pawing their way through all the new clothes that have come in and Babs is beyond delighted to see so much in the way of animal print, because, as she tells us, "Animal prints are so me!". OK, Babs; why are we not surprised?Amanda, its dawning on me, is probably the most slow-witted of all the LI princesses and that's saying something because this crowd is not solving any Rubick's Cubes anytime soon. Or ever. Amanda takes Valley Girl speech to a whole new level and draws out every word as she introduces Joey, who has just wandered into the store, to Babs: "Thiz Joeeeeeeyyyyyy..Thiz my Mooooooooom..."

Joey has come by to apologize to Amanda about her drunk-ass friend at Erica's pool party crashing around and throwing shade at Amanda and her manly-man, Jeff. Joey is totes..."Sorry but it's not my fault. I didn't condone the words my drunk friend used and I just want you to know that I support you." Support her in what? Is this going to be some kind of Showdown at the Fendi Corral? Amanda and her seemingly-barely-aware-heavy-lidded eyes are not impressed. We know this because the camera lingers on her long enough for her to pull a farbissine face that would choke an ox. Since she's not much to look at to begin with: all googly eyes, original nose, zero chin, one would advise her against ever doing that on camera again. Nicht git, babe; nicht git.

Chanel comes to collect Ashlee to take her to meet her "guy magnet" friend Casey so they can hopefully sloppy-seconds their way into eligible Jewish men. BTDubs, Ashlee's Dad, he of the mani-pedi, LOVES Chanel's outfit and tells her so the moment she walks in the front door. Are there any non-gay men on this show? After a brief confab with Mr. and Mrs. Ashlee's Parents, wherein the mother basically tells Chanel to help her daughter to find a male who isn't crippled or a felon, the girls start to giggle excitedly about the prospects of heading into the city. Before they can head out, though, Ashlee needs to brush her hair so she dispatches her Daddy to her bathroom to fetch her her hairbrush. He obediently does this, after asking her from the balcony which of the four different brushes does his little (non-ironic; the bitch is 4'9", she told us herself) princess want, she directs him to the correct brush and the hot gals are ready to rumble. Before they go, though, Ashlee tells everyone that she'd like to find a man who is forty-ish but not "all wrinkly". Oy.

After much squealing and screaming in the car as we see them whiz down the LI Expwy, the girls get to the city and hit a club and it is, indeed, filled with men! Casey is a GODDESS! Quickly, though, they and we notice that lots of the men are dancing with...each other? Hey! Its GAY night! Ashlee says she's not going to find anyone here. Hey, Ash, your Mom did! Burn! Also, Chanel's man-magnet buddy Casey is nowhere to be found. But wait! Here she comes! Striding down the street in a bare midriff dress and a smile. We hear in a Chanel voice-over that Casey grew up on LI but now lives in the city. Chanel says Casey is one of her best friends. Turns out that 10 years ago Erica The Drunk stole Casey's boyfriend on the eave of prom! She already had a dress! Oy such a shanda! So there's totes bad blood between them.

Meanwhile, back on the Island, Amanda and Jeff are out to dinner with Erica the Drunk and Rob. Erica the Drunk tells us that she's known Rob since high school, but back then she basically wouldn't have been caught dead with him. But her current age and with her current prospects, basically bupkes, he's looking pretty good. Erica the Drunk, I'm discovering, is a bit of a sociopath. And really stupid. The waiter drops by to announce the evening's specials and one of them is some kind of dish with octopus. Amanda, while the waiter stands by patiently, tells her friends about a story she read (we can only guess where, but my money's on The Weekly World News) about a woman who ate octopus that, unknown to her, had eggs in it and then she "had like baby octopuses coming out of her mouth". The waiter politely excuses himself, planning to spit in her drink, we can only hope. Next we hear how Jeff stalked Amanda for two weeks at the train station on LI and simultaneously shopped madly to find himself just the right outfit for when he planned to introduce himself to her. He SO wanted to go with the heckle feather boa, but the color just didn't work with his eyes. Pssht. (The ABIB made that part up). Once appropriately clothed, he sat directly in front of her on the train and asked about her white iPhone and she complimented him on his awesome outfit and just like that it was a match! A match made in Beard Heaven! Not to be outdone by this saccharine, gushing bullshit, Erica the Drunk, starts to slobber all over poor Rob announcing in bad acting 101 voice how "she LOVES HIM SO MUCH" and is "SO HAPPY THEY'RE TOGETHER". They start to kiss, at the table. Jeff enthuses with a forceful wave, "if you're kissing, we're kissing!" Then starts to "kiss" Amanda unbelievably actually making an overt mmmmmmmmmmmmm noise. Jesus he is SO FUCKING GAY!!So now we have two couples basically making out in the middle of what appears to be a decent restaurant. I'm reminded of the "Schmoopy" episode on Seinfeld where Jerry and his "Schmoopy" have a kissing match across the coffee shop table from George and Susan. Except that was played for intentional laughs. These people are just freakish buffoons and pretty much the lowest form of human life. Amazingly I keep watching.

Blessedly we leave that freak show behind and end up at...Casey's childhood home out on LI, where she is going through her artwork from when she was 13 and tells us that she's a cocktail waitress in NYC but art is her life. Um, from the looks of this "art" I have to say: "Don't quit your day job babe". Chanel drops by and immediately begins the expository dig into the old fight between Casey and Erica in high school. Bravo at its most clunky. So, Erica stole Casey's boyfriend, the love of her life, just because she could. Casey already had a prom dress! Ten years later the memory still haunts her and she just can't let it go. Um, didn't the dude have something to do with it, Case? Nevermind. Chanel has come by to issue an invite to Casey to come out to the Hamptons for a fab Shabbat weekend. Chanel, ostensibly the most observant Jew in the bunch, is going to show these gals how Shabbat is DONE. She's got a party bus and a chef and she's good to go. Oh, and Erica will be there. That part has Casey kinda spooked so Chanel says she can sleep in her room with her but that she has to come.

Next we learn from Joey that in high school Erica was deemed the hottest girl on LI. Hmmmm, really? In a wine-drinking scene at Erica's parents' house, Joey also tells Erica that she (Erica) slept with Joey's boyfriend in high school, too. So, now the count is up to stealing Casey's boyfriend and ruining prom for her (and to hear Casey tell it, the rest of her life to date) and fucking Joeys boyfriend. A reveal that Erica has barely any memory of. Joey has to intone the boy's name and give Erica a few moments to try and remember before the light bulb goes off over her head and she IDs him. Erica's kind of an aggressive slutty hoebag, no? Casey tells us she's still freaked out about what Erica did 10 years ago because her Dad left her Mom when Casey was two for another woman. She can't remember the last time she saw him. For what it's worth, Casey's Mom seems fine with it. Classic Bravo bullshit.

The party bus comes, it picks up everyone but Casey, who is driving out herself and the girls are deep into the Pinot Grigio within fifteen seconds. Especially Erica the Drunk. I observe that Erica the Drunk's drinking seems to really trouble itty bitty Ashlee. But she's a nervous chalaria about everything, so...Out in the Hamptons Chanel brings the Hebrew with what I can say from personal experience, is the MOST sacrelilgious lighting of Shabbat candles ever. I'm asking the TV: why are the fucking candles burned down nearly to the candlestick when she lights them? What the fuck is up with that? If this is how the Shabbat prayer is introduced to non-Jewish viewers I have to say: shame on you, Andy Cohen! You're a MOT, asshole! Anyway, the manufactured drama ensues as the girls sit down to dinner and Erica starts to drunkenly run her mouth and Casey tells her to shut up and Erica runs crying from the table and calls Rob and all the girls basically start to run around and wring their hands and get all fahrklempt. And that's it for the episode. Can I also say: what's the deal with the retro-70s hippy headbands that these girls are wearing? Did not see that on Fashion Police, girls. I may have to nominate you for FashHole of the Week!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

thanks for such a great recap, you said every single thing I was thinking about this hideous show...