Wednesday, March 4, 2015

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: The One Where Cynthia Cements Her Status As Bumbler-In-Chief

Holla! My DVR fucked up last week so I wasn’t able to get my regular dose of Atlanta’s best showin’ their asses, but have no fear I tweaked a few things and all’s well again. So here I am with my weekly recap of the world’s craziest wimmin, namely those gals in Hotlanta. In spite of this post’s title I have to start this recap with Phaedra, or wait, APOLLO! At the top of the hour we get an Instagram video from Apollo presumably as he’s about to relinquish that iPhone to the warden at the check-in to his eight year stay in lovely rural Kentucky. Apollo signs off with this last blast that looks oddly and creepily, like some kind of lost (or chucked) footage from The Blair Witch Project VIII – Penitentiary. Apollo tells us that he’s “about to go asunder”. Well, look on the bright side, dude, maybe you can finally get that HS equivalency in jail. And hopefully learn what “asunder” means. So bye-bye Mr. Nida, no more drilling for you. Well, wait…maybe not.

After we watch Apollo get LOCKED UP we join Phaedra and her entourage checking out of yet another deluxe hotel where she’s been holed up with her security detail, her assistant, her kids and her luggage waiting for the ex to finally report to the Island of Incarceration. Once back home Phaedra’s first order of business is to invite over her most trusted exorcist to cleanse her house of “demons”. Demons presumably left in the wake of the man she married to whom she bore two children. How quickly they forget…So this holy roller husband and wife team of spirit frighteners arrive at Chez Phaedra and immediately get to work, scurrying through room after room, praying, shaking some kind of organic weed (a lulav?) and invoking the name of Jaysus in an effort to exorcise the house, including the back gate. They complete their task to Phaedra’s approval and exit, leaving the older kid to proclaim “our house is changed!” What must having two strangers traipsing through your house scaring away unseen evil spirits do to a five-year-old? Phaedra tells us that she’s going to enroll her oldest in therapy to “deal with the situation with his father”. Yeah, well, maybe there’ll also be a little bit of chat around your demon-infested house, Phay-Phay. Phaedra is the worst kind of “Christian”, hiding her snide and petty little snipes behind a veil of “holiness”. Still can’t stand her.

Kandi, meanwhile, is worrying that her marriage is in trouble (already?) because she and Todd don’t do the dirty deed nearly often enough. I suppose if you’re a sexy-time entrepreneur having a boring bedroom doesn’t really help the business much. Anyway, Todd’s back from LA and meets the wife over at her Kandi Koated Nights set where Kandi’s assistants “were just leaving” but not before they fling yet another short person insult at Todd. This time it’s something about his approach to sex being like a cocker spaniel. Todd is the most cuckolded of all the husbands on the Real Housewives franchise and with Grigg hanging out as chief Nene-complimenter/chauffeur, that’s saying someting. But wait, he DID grow an Afro while out in LA, it’s just hiding under his baseball cap. Anyway, Kandi wants them to go to counseling and after an initial moment of hesitation, Todd agrees that counseling might not be a good idea. Kandi also makes the supreme mistake of asking her husband if he had it to do all over again would be marry her? Giiiirrrrlllllll…NEVER ask a question unless you are ready to hear the answer, ANY answer. When Todd hesitates, Kandi exclaims her dismay, but he was just messing around…OF COURSE he’d marry her again. Kandi also stopped by Phaedra’s place to sit on her room-sized purple wrap-around couch and get snide passive aggressive digs thrown at her about how “Nene has called me every day during this difficult period…SHE’S been such a GOOD friend!” Subtext of course being: in comparison to you. Phaedra is THE WORST.

Moving right along to...Cynthia! Uncle Ben, in a car convo last week with the Boy Scout otherwise known as Apollo Nida, learned that...according to Apollo, who stole Phaedra’s phone...Phaedra was engaged in some serious sexting with a mysterious African prince with the codename Chocolate. Um, first of all, who the fuck are all of these African princes roaming the streets of Atlanta in search of over the hill matrons with seriously checkered pasts? First Kenya and her’s and now, allegedly, Phaedra and her’s. Anyway, Uncle Ben, dumbass that he is, and TOTALLY OVER IT with that hussy Phaedra (nobody plays his home-boy playas, especially when they’re about to report to prison for a long, long time) tells Cynthia the whole sordid story. He tells her how Apollo showed him the incriminating texts and how Apollo was so HURT and ANGRY and READY TO ANGRILY DRILL HOLES IN THE WALLS OF THEIR (BUT SOON TO BE ONLY PHAEDRA’S) HOME. Cynthia is learn this news and immediately invites Kenya and Claudia out to a wine and cheese tasting place to bring them up to speed on Phaedra’s newly revealed whorishness. Kenya, being Kenya, is OUTRAGED and immediately makes it about HER by bursting into tears of fury that Phaedra had dared to ruin HER LIFE for two years only to CHEAT ON HER OWN HUSBAND which is way worse than what she accused Kenya of doing...WHICH WE NOW KNOW SHE DIDN’T DO!! I actually have to say that, should this whole Phaedra is a cheating whore story pan out true, I’d kind of be on Team Kenya on this one. Both Cynthia and Claudia console the inconsolable Kenya and all three make their way out with the plan to use an upcoming all-RHOA dinner planned by Kandi, to shame Phaedra and make her CONFESS! Also to buy some of that seriously kick-ass fruit flavored cheese. Way to go, Cynthia. Have any of you learned anything about this goofball Apollo Nida? I mean, you all can't stand Phaedra, but seriously, this dude is a two-time felon who has ALREADY BEEN OUTED AS A SERIAL LIAR ON THIS SHOW! Whatevs. Luckily everyone accepts Kandi's dinner appointment, even Nene, in spite of the fact that she is BUSY, BUSY, BUSY “studying” for Broadway. Man, that girl knows how to work a shill. Plus, don’t you mean, learn your lines? Again, whatevs.

Dinner is at some Brazilian meat emporium where they apparently circle your table shaving off slices of a whole bunch of different cooked meats until you’re full or pass out or meat sweat through your clothes or maybe all three. All the ladies show up, starting with Kandi and Porsha, which is like: again, WTF are you doing here, Porsha? Why does she keep showing up? SHE’S NOT ON THE SHOW ANYMORE! Air kisses ensue in earnest as the two competing girl gangs show up, first Cynthia, Kenya and Claudia, followed by new besties Nene and Phaedra. Porsha of course immediately joins the Nene and Phaedra block and the sides are established with Kandi, as usual, stating how impartial she is. Which as we’ve learned over and over is never true; Kandi loves a good girl fight as much as the rest of them.

Earning the rep that gave her the title of this post, Cynthia, seated directly across from Phaedra, begins to haltingly explain that, well, you know, she wants to put it out on the table, that, well, you know it’s kind of like this, we need to all know and talk about and...and...and...Cynthia, unable to ever make eye contact with Phaedra simply cannot bring herself to state the obvious: WHAT’S UP WITH THIS PIECE OF ASS NAMED CHOCOLATE THAT YOU’RE FUCKING, PHAEDRA? APOLLO SAID SO! So rather than allow Cynthia to continue to stutter her way to J’ACCUSE! Kenya helpfully shouts across the table that Phaedra has been unfaithful to her husband with an African prince named Chocolate and now everyone knows it and by the way Kenya is still waiting for that apology, BITCH! Phaedra’s had a tough day, what with the moving back into the house with her retinue and having to immediately drive out a bunch of Apollo-hangover demons and she straight up goes bonkers. Phaedra jumps up from her seat and lunges across the table, handbag at the assault ready, and reaches for Kenya with clear intent to BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF HER. Pandemonium ensues and Nene and Porsha both successfully restrain Phaedra and drag her from the restaurant all the while cussing out Kenya and assuring Phaedra that all will be well. Kandi follows them out, being Kandi, not wanting to choose sides or anything. Yeah, right. Plus, nobody even got any meat!

Outside Nene, Porsha and Phaedra are inexplicably just hanging out in the parking lot which is like, shouldn’t you gals be on your way? Not what the producers had in mind, apparently. For one hot minute I was picturing a real, live rumble with wigs and nails and Jimmy Choos flying here, there and everywhere. Sadly not to be. Instead the two groups just stood around sniping at each other from a safe distance until Porsha loaded Phaedra into her car and they drove off into the night. Nene disappeared and so did Kandi. The three left behind walked away congratulating themselves on their triumphant stand-off and continuing to audibly trash Phaedra and her cheating, whorish ways. As Phaedra herself would say: Save Me Lord Jesus!

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