Lord God, Ruler of Heaven and Earth, was heard to grumble aloud, “So, when is it going to be about ME for a change? I get it, being that I’m God there’s a certain responsibility to all living things on earth and their daily struggles and triumphs, but Holy Crap even I’ve got limits! I mean, just yesterday I was feeling kind of out of sorts, you know there’s lots going on that requires a certain level of attention on my part, I mean, the whole shitstorm in the Ukraine? Please. And don’t get me started on Boko Harum and Ebola and global warming and…well, I’m God, the list goes on…well…forever! Not to mention my ONLY BEGOTTEN SON…Jesus Christ is it so hard to pick up a PHONE and call your Heavenly Father every once in awhile?
So anyway, as I was saying, yesterday I was feeling kind of out of sorts and could have used a good bitch session where I got to just plain vent and not have to be The Heavenly Ear. For once! I was just about to dial up the Pope, asleep at the time - always easier to dial into a dream - when out of the blue I get this beseeching from Keith in Little Rock, praying to get his ball into the cup on the green of the eighth hole of some fucking golf course or other and then another one chimes in, someone named Josie and Josie was begging me to intervene so that she could buy a new house and before I could even THINK I get nineteen trillion others pouring in pleading for lottery wins, daily doubles at the track, snow, Grammy wins, new car financing…well, the list goes on and on.
By the time I got done with all of that noise the Pope was awake and up and having breakfast. So fuck, what the hell people, do you think I’m just an ASKING machine? Did you once, EVER, think about ME? I have feelings, too, you know? Just once I’d like to hear a voice, any voice, drift up here and say “Hey there, Lord God, Ruler of Heaven and Earth, how’s tricks? How you doing? Anything on your mind? Anything I can HELP with?” Shit, I’d probably fall off my throne. Which, by the way, could be a lot more comfortable; sitting on clouds for eternity only goes so far. A pillow would be nice. Something homemade, with a nice little message stitched on it, “God’s Ass Here”. Because I SIT here CONTINUOUSLY, listening to you all ASK FOR SHIT. Yes, a pillow would be very, very nice. And a box of Ring Dings. And an ice cold Dr. Pepper. As if you care.