We've Been Here Before, People...LISTEN UP!

Several years ago when The ABIB first started this blog, she wrote a post about how being funny was about as rare as a...oh, I don't know...Obama-loving Republican. Apparently the message didn't get disseminated widely enough because I find myself back here again having to school you folks on the whole "most people are SOOOO not funny" rule.  Here we go, PUHLEEZE listen up as I'm going to start with a question:

Having a better sense of humor than everyone else: blessing or curse? Tawk amongst yourselves…OK enough talking; the answer is: CURSE!

Why, you may ask would it be a curse to have a better sense of humor than everyone else? Surely that means that everyone turns to YOU for a good laugh, they seek our YOUR advice when they want to know what’s currently funny on TV, they know that YOU will be able to bring the party wherever you go. All true, all true, however, those reasons are all out-weighed by something you’re forgetting: the other side of that hilarious coin is that SO MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT THEY ARE FUNNY, TOO! Which to a truly comedically gifted person is anathema. OMG, how many times a day do I hear some inanity masquerading as “humor” followed by the guffaws of some dipshits who, for whatever personal reason, wish to encourage this moron. Comedy isn’t for everyone, comedy is HARD, please people, leave the heavy lifting to someone who fucking knows what they’re doing, would you? As George Costanza said about teaching someone else to lie like him: “It’s like asking Pavarotti: teach me to sing like you.” I’m constantly amazed at what passes for “funny” amongst the throngs of average idiots one encounters on a daily basis. At work, at social gatherings, in line at the supermarket. To wit:

Jackass One: Hey, how you feeling today?

Jackass Two: Not so great…getting old sucks.

Jackass One: Yeah, but it’s better than the alternative…amirite?

Jackass Two: You sure are! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Silently gritting my teeth I aggressively flip the pages of the glossy magazine that I’m clearly not reading (or buying) hoping that someone, ANYONE, will rescue me from this reprehensible, fucking asshat and the immensely lowered comedic expectations of his conversational partner. It’s only been made worse by Jackass One’s generational appropriation of the term “amirite”, a classically millennial sentence-ending question that, coming from Methusela’s older brother sounds beyond preposterous. Uh, Jackass One: you’re not fooling anyone, motherfucker, you’re OLD SO STOP SAYING SHIT YOU HEARD FROM YOUR GRANDCHILDREN! I have found that there is no moronic riposte (Brrrrr…you call this SPRING?), no hackneyed, overused bon mot (Hey Dude: WHAZZZZUPPP), no thinly veiled attempt at cracking wise (anything that begins with [insert a name, time period] called they want their [item, clothing, hairdo…what the fuck ever] back) that is below the average unfunny shithead’s radar and outside of his/her repertoire and which will, astonishingly, MAKE OTHERS LAUGH. Here’s ME calling YOU, MOTHERFUCKER and I want those last 15 IQ points I lost just overhearing your crappy “jokes” back. Folks, here’s a tip: if you find yourself quoting Sheldon Cooper, fuck, ANYTHING from The Big Bang Theory (itself the height, or depth, of hackneyed “comedy”), know that there is, or has been, or will be a truly funny, witty, clever person that is mentally aiming the Death Star at your ass. Truly funny people, on a regular basis, lament the demise of The Gong Show or just a vaudeville hook because then, at least, we knew that we weren’t alone, that others (even if it was Chuck Barriss) embraced that same fantasy of being able to make the untalented buffoons among us shut the fuck up and go the fuck away. And if they didn’t we got to lower a loud-ass GONG on their mediocrity [sigh]. Those were the days…

So seriously people, as someone who knows what’s-what in the glorious world of funny, from the bottom of my heart, I seriously wish you would stop the insanity and SHUT THE FUCK UP! Trust me; we can handle it from here.