The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Recap: Episode Three: So, Nu? Is She a Strippa or Not?

OK, to quote someone much funnier than me: "If Chris Laurita, who has a fully loaded gun closet in his basement, is the voice of reason you know it's fucked up." Yeah, the husbands showed up for this third and final episode of the RHONJ Reunion and, among other things, inarticulate shouting ensued.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Joey "The Ape" Gorga
"YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Joe "Snaggletooth" Guidice
"YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MY FUCKING WIFE!" Joey "The Ape" Gorga
"YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Joe "Snaggletooth" Guidice

So, yeah; that happened. Oddly arrayed, standing behind their respective wives, the RHONJ husbands looked pretty pissed off that they had to be there. Except for freak of nature Richie Wakile, that is, who just looked like the fish-lipped, dull-eyed douchebag that he is, sporting (again in the words of someone much funnier than me) "those ridiculous big-ass rap mogul glasses" with the tinted lenses that he wears. The stage was set for the final show-down of Strippergate and in order to bring the drahma, Bravo went all out and booked Old Crack Whore Kim D. But before that hag sashayed onto the Borgata stage, we were treated to further sniping from one couch to the other with cross-eyed Andy in between fielding the hate and upping the ante with every baleful glance. Can I just say that, considering that Andy Cohen is the Executive Vice President of Development and Talent at Bravo, basically the network executive responsible for the Housewives franchise, he does a great job making HIMSELF the centerpiece of each Reunion show. Not to mention he's put himself on TV literally every day of the year as the host of his own "Watch What Happens Live", thus making him perhaps the MOST egotistical TV executive alive. Which is saying something.

So, the heat went way up on this, the last reunion EP, with more open-faced lies, more crocodile tears and more shrill accusations of eye shadow theft reaching a fever pitch. At one point, sporting her ugliest fake crying face EVER, Thereser screamed at Melissa? Brother Joey "The Ape"? "I NEVER CALLED YOU A STRIPPER! I NEVER CALLED YOU A STRIPPER!" I'm thinking here that between the table flipping and the near assault and battery of Danielle Staub, the Bravo writing team is given the assignment to construct a high anxiety moment for Thereser to use as her "I'MGONNAGOCRAZEEEEEE" moment at the end of each season. Just sayin'. But you know it's what I tune in for, so...it works. At least for me.

I spent much of this EP wondering who the fuck even gives a shit if Melissa was ever a stripper or bag lady or a fucking secret agent for Lower Slobovia. I mean, to look at these hard-ass bitches, one could safely draw the conclusion that "stripper" might just be the tamest epithet you could lob at them. I'm thinking any one of them (and that includes YOU LAP BAND LAUREN and YOU ROSIEMODO) could easily be charged with anything ranging from kneecapping for the mob to grand theft auto to out-and-out street walking. So, yeah, stripper's pretty fucking tame. Be that as it may, Melissa and all the other HO-Wives were deeply, DEEPLY offended that one of their own was being tagged with such a dirty, sullying charge. For what it's worth, looking at Melissa, I frankly don't know how she could have AVOIDED having been a stripper at some point in her past. Or present. Or future.

The charge of "stripper" was also being slung at Jacqueline, as in "your husband told me that he met you in Vegas and that you were a stripper there." This from Joe "Snaggletooth" about a secret shared with him by Mr. Jacqueline, Chris Laurita. For the record, the corporate line from Mr. and Mrs. Laurita was "we met in Chicago at a trade show". A trade show? What was the trade that was being shown? Stripper poles? Anyway, they both repeated it rotely several times as if to convince themselves along with us: we met in Chicago at a trade show, we met in Chicago at a trade show, we met in...you get the picture. Chris Laurita must have been having second thoughts about lying on national TV because shortly after the Lauritas' mutually-agreed-upon origin story, he asked the assemblage: "even if someone WAS a stripper, what's the big deal?"

Atta boy, Chris; what's the big deal indeed. I also can't forget to mention the requisite "YOU'VE TURNED MOMMY AND DADDY AGAINST ME!!" shouting match that ensued between brother Joey "The Ape" and big sis Thereser, he accusing her of poisoning their parents against him. And, no that Mommy and Daddy was not my editorializing for comic value, those were the terms that THEY used. For the record: past, say, 10 years old, Mommy and Daddy is actually kind of icky. But that's just me and frankly, it's the least of their problems.

After the commercial break Andy announces the arrival of a "special guest" and here comes Old Crack Whore Kim D, she of the no lips and eyemakeup so dark that it looks like she has pupils and only pupils from lash line to lash line. Who knows, maybe she does. Or maybe she has the Black Oil virus from the X-Files. So she sits down and first we see a bizarre kabuki theater apology (I don't think he could have gotten his eyes open any wider) from Joey "The Ape" to Old Crack Whore Kim about how he cussed her out the night of "Operation Humiliate Melissa" on the street in front of Son Cubana. She stiffly accepted his apology, an evil smile on her lipless face. She really doesn't look entirely human.

Anyway, then Andy begins to "grill" her on the details of what exactly went down the night of the Posche fashion show and exactly how much of it Thereser knew in advance. I'm gonna confess right now that at this point the whole "scandal" of Thereser being in on some scheme to out Melissa's dirty past had grown so fucking boring to me that I might have dozed off for a few minutes. What I do know is that Old Crack Whore Kim basically busted Thereser and 'fessed up that, yes, Tre DID know in advance that Kim herself was planning the big "bring Melissa down" action (due to some past perceived slight from Melissa that Old Crack Whore Kim had turned into a grudge) and that it was set to take place at the Posche fashion show. Just like every fucking OTHER Posche fashion show which is where some kind of Bravo-scriped shit goes down and somebody or other gets toasted in public. ZZZZZZ. Plus, Posh spelled Posche is monumentally annoying to me. Camera shot of Melissa and Joey "The Ape" having their "AHA" moment and looking very self-satisfied. No more crying over moving away from evil Tre on this show. Old Crack Whore Kim looked pretty pleased with herself, too and then she was excused to head on back to her street corner and her pipe.

The show closed with Andy asking the RHONJ Grande Dame Caroline (aka The Old Hag) to intone some wise and pithy Bravo-writer-scripted shit about "family and togetherness and how someday we'll all sing Kumbaya and be in our happy place again" and blah, blah, blah. And that was it for this year with the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Next up: The Real Housewives of Atlanta beginning November 4. Amazingly Nene Leakes is still on the show despite being on an ACTUAL scripted TV show called "The New Normal". Don't know why she's bothering with the Atlanta Housewives, but I'm glad she is 'cause I love me some Nene, but I'm totally bummed to see that Sheree is not going to be back. Sheree really brought the crazy, to wit: "Who gonna check me, Boo? YOU?" Head on back over here for those recaps beginning the first week of November. Until then, later gators!