Monday, October 1, 2012

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Recap Part One: Damn the Torpedoes Full Speed Ahead!

OK, what was THAT? Only the most awesome, full-blown THROW DOWN RHONJ Reunion show in...EVER! Amirite? Going full-out gangsta, the Housewives were at their profanity-laden, finger-pointing, bitch-slap-sniping insane best. Can I get an "amen" here, people? Thereser has finally, FINALLY assumed the role to which she is uniquely best suited: dressed in snakelike green shimmery scales, she made Cruella DeVille look like The Tooth Fairy. Her black hair coiled around her head like some kind of fucking Medusa, she was spoiling for a fight the minute Cross-Eyed Andy welcomed us to the Borgata for this little refresher course in why the NJ Housewives are without peer in crazy amongst the Bravo franchise. Oh, I know there are some stand-outs like Ramona in NY and in Atlanta Nene and Sheree are always good for a cray-cray display or two each season, but for straight-up, wholesale, balls-to-the-wall, melt-your-brain NUTS, there's nobody can hold a candle to my goils in Joisey.

So lets start at the beginning, shall we? The girls are arrayed alla famiglia on two couches to either side of CEA, with Thereser, Melissa and Kathy on one couch and Caroline and Jacqueline across from them on the other couch. Melissa was noticeably scrunched to her left, closer to Kathy and farther from the toxic waste dump of a sista-in-law to her right. CEA began the night asking Jacqueline to address, now that we've all seen the evidence, why she didn't make it to LAST season's reunion. It didn't take but two hot seconds before Weepy Jac and Thereser were screaming accusations at each other about who betrayed who and which one of them was guilty of "breaking up da family". Tre: it's a bad sign when your two blood relatives are providing the opposing side with evidence to support THEIR position against you, which is how it went down ASAP. Caroline, unable to contain herself for even 15 seconds, began to bellow over Jacqueline, hurling incoherent accusations at Thereser, who, certainly never, EVER to be outdone by ANYONE in the shouting department, threw them right back at her. At one point Thereser pointed to Caroline's torso, shouting: "You've got three rolls there: blubber, blubber and blubber!" To which Caroline shrieks: "AND I'M PROUD OF EVERY ONE OF THEM!" Uh, really, CM? Is anyone really, truly PROUD of fat rolls? I'm thinking "no" here; just sayin'. Oh, and T called Caroline "an old hag". Love it.

Before we know it, Thereser is aiming at the true trajectory of her vitriol, Melissa "The Stripper". For the record, Melissa is still totes denying ever having been a stripper, K? In one of the most out there hilarious Thereser moments, she proceeds to accuse Melissa of "stealing her sparkly eye shadow look from last year." Uh, what? At first everyone, including CEA, seems to think that T's making some kind of an attempt at humor, which as we all know from her cookbook inscriptions, is something she cultivates like the Juicy Joe homemade sausage (ick) that infuses all of her Skinny Italian recipes. But....NOPE, bitch be serious, ya'll; she wants to know why Melissa stole her eye shadow look from last year's reunion EP. Melissa is unable to reply only stutters out something like: "Uh, yeah, Theresa, I copied your eyeshadow look from last year." Such drollery, such deep subtext from these gals as we begin the descent into sixth grade. Thereser won't let it go, though and I think we were all spared by a commercial break, but even CEA was starting to look annoyed at that point. Can I just say here and now that Thereser's fake boobs looked particularly creepy with that icky gold glitter that her make-up person dusted onto her chest. She ended up looking like Rumplestiltskin from Once Upon A Time which, come to think of it, is pretty much correct!

Commercial break over, we now get the back-back story of what contributed to Jacqueline's breakdown of last season. A little video montage follows as Jacqueline and Caroline (SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY IT'S NOT EVEN YOUR FUCKING KID) clue us all in on Jacqueline's son's diagnosis of autism. I guess this was supposed to explain why Jacqueline was so ragged-out and to clear up any misconceptions that, in fact it WASN'T just Thereser being a total asshat, J was dealing with some real-life drama. OK, trust me I know how heartless this is going to sound but I am, after all, The ABIB, OK? But I had a moment where I felt really bad for J but then I was like: OK, total buzzkill here, folks; can we get back to the reason we actually watch this crazy house of nutjobs? Which we did...finally.

Thereser played sympathetic ex-friend for approximately 10 seconds following the end of the video montage before she directed the focus back to herself by stating that "Audriana lost her boyfriend",intimating that Jacqueline's little boy and her daughter used to be a kid item before J's son's diagnosis. OMG, no she DID NOT just say that. OMG, yes she did. This is when all hell broke loose on the Borgata stage. Everyone and I mean, everyone, started screaming at Thereser and within three seconds she was screaming back in what was immediately total and complete mayhem. More commercials, more boob glitter application and lo and behold who does CEA bring out but THE NEW AND IMPROVED Lauren Manzo! Lauren comes strutting out from backstage looking like a fucking drag queen (who does these bitches' makeup?) and we can all see that she's lost weight, which as we know was ruining her life for the entirety of the season. Can I just say here and now that I can't fucking STAND Lauren Manzo? I find her to be the most insufferable pimple-on-the-ass of humanity I have ever had the misfortune to become acquainted with. Even if it's just through the TV. Whenever she's on screen I truly have to hold back from throwing something at it. Cannot abide the bitch.

So after we have to hear about Lauren's miraculous weight loss (LAP BAND surgery folks and congrats to Bravo for the second successful product placement for a surgical procedure) she has to take questions from the Twitterverse asking her if she's ashamed of herself for taking the "easy way out" to weight loss? Um...I can't stand Lauren Manzo and even I was like, what? What kind of jackass asks a question like that? What's the fucking difference how she lost the fucking weight? She lost the weight, what do you care if she used LAP BAND surgery or magic fat-be-gone crystals? Although I do have to consider that the RHONJ Reunion producer maybe feels about Lauren Manzo like I do which is why she was faced with such a stupid question meant to shame her. HAH! (Again, folks...I AM The ABIB). With Lauren on the couch next to her mother we're now treated to a Manzo assault on Thereser and the incoherent shouting ensues pretty quickly after her slightly-less-fat ass is seated on the couch. It doesn't take long for the rest of the jackals to join in and attempt to bring Thereser down so soon we're listening to a completely unintelligable cacophany of noise until Lauren's foghorn voice rises above all the others with the word: "napalm". Apparently Thereser has a blog that is, according to all the other HWs, ghost written by a professional writer. OK, who does THAT and how do I apply for the fucking job? Tre: I could so kick their asses in me...

So Lauren keeps shouting the word "napalm", challenging Thereser to tell everyone what "napalm" means which apparently appeared in a recent blog post. The baiting reaches a feverish pitch with everyone, but mostly Lauren and Caroline, screeching for Thereser to tell them what "napalm" means, insisting that since she can't define it there's the proof that her blog is not written by her. Uh, Lauren? So the fuck what, bitch? I mean, is that REALLY where you want to draw the line in the sand with Thereser, Lauren? Over intelligence, dipshit? Cause I hate to be the one to break it to you, jackass, but I would strongly advise against. At best, at BEST, you would pull a draw on that little competition. Finally, BLESSEDLY, Lauren Manzo leaves the stage. Feh.

Next, inexplicably, Thereser and Kathy engage in a "whose husband is hotter" throw down. Um, ladies? I can clear this up right quick: both of them are sex kryptonite. They're not just ugly, they're fugly. I mean are you serious? Really? Anyway, at one point Thereser states that Juicy Joe would so beat Richie Wakile in his ability to pick up girls on the street. A thunderclap of silence slams down as the camera pans across the girls, each of whom has a shit eating grin that says: "Um, Tre: careful what you wish for." One of them (pretty sure it was Melissa) actually vocalizes that Thereser walked in on Juicy Joe fucking some ho on the desk of his office. His OFFICE? Is that like when my Dad used to go to take a crap and say he's gonna be in "his office" for awhile? Also, CEA in the preview is pressing JJ for the answer to the question: "who was on the phone?" in the vineyard at Caroline's 50th. Yeah, baby!

The show is reaching it's heady conclusion about now and Kathy is armed for bear and being less like the Kathy we've come to know and more like who you would think would be a blood relative to Thereser. In other words, she be goin' for the jugular. Oh, BTW, I forgot to mention that Kathy's got a new nose and some new lips. The jury's out in my mind on the nose job, probably because I care so little, and as for the lips, I couldn't tell any difference so, yeah. CEA in a funny aside, tells Kathy to "put the yellow light" on "that stuff". In other words: 'nuff with the face fixin', Kath. Agreed, CEA, agreed. So, back to Mean Kathy. She and Thereser begin to exchange words and suddenly Kathy barks out some serious shit about Thereser's MOTHA! What? What? To say "them's fightin' words" does not BEGIN to cover Thereser's reaction to this disrespect. I think Kathy called T's mother a bitch, which is like: whoah, ya'll, Kathy just took it up a notch; things about to get all kinda crazy up in here.

If human heads could literally explode, Thereser's head would have been in smithereens on the lovely brocade walls of the Borgata. She went APESHIT. And as if it wasn't enough, Kathy then starts shouting out some shit about T's FATHER, too. You know those little rubber stress dolls that you can buy that have vaguely humanoid features that, when you squeeze them, the eyes, nose and tongue pop out? That is exactly what happened to Thereser's face when Kathy aimed at T's father. She literally became incoherent with rage. Now seated next to Caroline on the OTHER couch, Thereser just kept repeating how Kathy had said shit about her FATHER! HER FATHER WHO KATHY WORSHIPPED! Then, at that moment my most favorite part of the whole EP went down. Thereser lobbed an insult at Kathy about HER father...her DECEASED father. Oh HELL'S NO, bitch. Now Kathy's eyes were bugged out and we all know how scary that looks considering Kathy's eyes are bugged out normally. Kathy starts to scream at Thereser about how she CANNOT disrespect the DEAD when out of nowhere comes the disembodied voice of Kathy's sister, the gal I like to call Rosiemodo and she is calling for Thereser's BLOOD! At this point even CEA looks like he's about to shit himself 'cause this place is getting all kinds of out of control. All we can hear (and see across the bottom of the screen in subtitles) is Rosiemodo screaming about how she's going to "FUCKING KILL THAT BITCH! SHE BETTER SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'M GONNA CUT HER FUCKING TONGUE OUT. I DON'T CARE IF I GO TO JAIL I'M GOING TO KILL THAT FUCKING BITCH!" Thereser looks at Kathy with her scrunched up, angry face and says: "Who the fuck is that?" Kathy looks back at Tre with HER angry face and says icily (thanks Danny): "You know who that is."

O.M.G. THIS. IS. AWESOME!!! We never see her except for a shadowy figure running around backstage that I'm guessing was Rosiemodo going bananas while she was screaming for Thereser's tongue. I refuse to wonder why she was miked, but, yeah,let's not spoil the allusion that this ia all somehow unrehearsed and unscripted.

I literally could not have asked for a more kick-ass Reunion Part One especially since there are TWO more Reunion episodes to come and in the previews for next week we see not only a beet-faced Rosiemodo out on the stage but Joey "The Ape" Gorga and Juicy Joe "Snaggletooth" Guidice facing off, shouting threats and obscenities at each other. Dag. Join me, won't you? Tune back here next week for the recap of The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part Two. Later gators.


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