Monday, October 8, 2012

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part Two Recap: Juicy Joe Needs A Red Bull

Well, part two of the RHONJ Reunion brought Juicy Joe "Snaggletooth" Guidice onto the Borgata stage where Andy asked him the question that has been plaguing a nation: "Who do you support in the election, Juicy Joe?" Not really, Andy asked him who was on the infamous call in the California vineyard. Am I the only one that thinks, hey, no way is JJ going to 'fess up about receiving a call from his down-low ho and in fact he did not. Some kind of cock and bull story about it being a friend (male) who then handed the phone to a Spanish-speaking somebody-or-other and JJ had to speak Spanish? Um, OK, JJ, whatever you say, man. Oh, and then he burped Red Bull. On camera. Exsqueeze me, JJ. Straight up classy dude, that Snaggletooth Joe.

Prior to JJ joining the Housewives, "Hey, what am I doing here?" he asks at one point, to no-one in particular. Fulfilling your part of the Bravo contract, JJ; just sit there and STFU. Anyway, prior to JJ joining the Housewives, Rosiemodo makes her presence officially known and joins the Pazzotown Crew on the sofa, alla HER famiglia. A moment before, we're shown the backstage view of last week's tongue-knifing threat session and see that Lauren Manzo, of all people (she of the bellowing "SPELL NAPALM! SPELL NAPALM! SPELL NAPALM!" appearance of last week) is talking Rosiemodo down from her murderous ledge just before she's due to join the ladies on stage, by invoking the respect of Rosie's dead father. Rosie does a verbal genuflect to the memory of her dearly departed Dad and calms down enough to appear on stage.

Where we are treated to a recap of her heartfelt and tear-inducing coming out scene with the Wakile kids. OK, OK...I admit it...even me, THE ABIB, got kinda choked up during that scene. I'm The ABIB ya'll, I'm not made of stone. Back on stage Rosie addresses the difficulties of being gay during her childhood and how she felt alone and that, no, she never thought that Kathy rejected her because she was gay as the evil, scheming Thereser alleged. Cut to Thereser shows the trademark Thereser sidelip lick (so as not to spoil her lipstick) and a "no" shake of the head to signify that Rosie just doesn't remember her own life correctly. What Rosie DOES admit is that Kathy successfully intervened when Rosie was "headed down the wrong path" with some other woman who was going to "ruin her life". So, yeah, Rosie has her sister Kathy to THANK for saving her from the trap of the wrong love (thanks "Moonstruck"). I gotta tell you folks, this whole lovey-dovey scene smacked big time of famiglia wagon-circling to me. I'm thinking that the truth of the Kathy-Rosie relationship is somewhere in the middle of Rosie's "my sister SAVED me" and Thereser's "Kathy was ASHAMED of you which is why she always excluded you" mantras. 'Cause I gotta tell you, I would never put Kathy Wakile and Rosiemodo in a friendly relationship, sisters or no; they literally could not be more different. And once married to that freak of nature Richie Wakile who actually said ON CAMERA that his wife "tasted like fish but gets the job done" (O.M.G.), Kathy was steered even further from her sister's orbit. No matter; Rosie wasn't on the couch long before Andy excused her to return backstage with Lap Band Lauren.

At one point Thereser and Melissa got into it over Melissa's singing because Thereser accused Melissa of lip-synching (which Melissa totally copped to, when, as she said, she was dancing: fair enough). We see footage from the season of the Guidices in some vehicle with their kids, and Tre and Juicy Joe are laughing as their daughters mock Tia Melissa's singing of "On Display". Then Thereser actually bullied Melissa into singing right there on the couch. Awkwaaaaard. Melissa sang a bar or two of her new song but that wasn't enough "proof" for Tre who insisted that she wouldn't be convinced that Melissa could actually sing until she made it through the whole song. Well, Melissa basically told her to go fuck herself (for about the 800th time), so Thereser refocused her attack on the notion that Melissa was always autotuned. Well, shit, Tre if that's all you got you really should dig a little deeper; I mean, EVERYONE is fucking autotuned any more. Leah fucking Michelle is autotuned on Glee for Christ sake. Admit it, Tre, you got nothin'; move on.

Nearing the end of this middle of three hours worth of recappage, Andy tells us that Melissa and Joey "The Ape" Gorga have put their custom-built mansion on the market and are seeking to move. Andy asks Melissa why they want to leave their "dream house" and, after some hesitation (I'm guessing to give herself a couple of moments to think of something sad enough to make herself cry on cue) Melissa tearfully admits that she doesn't want her children to go to school with Thereser's daughters. Um, OK? Is there like one school in this McMansion enclave that EVERY child must attend? Have you ever considered, oh, I don't know, Meliss: private school? No matter; whatever the REAL reason (for the record my guess has something more to do with Joey "The Ape" maybe not doing so well in his BIZNEZ) the Gorgas' story is that they want their kids away from the toxic presence of evil Tia Thereser and her equally evil spawn. Actually Tre's oldest kid ("who is in show business" HAH!) is pretty fucking scary. At one point Thereser gets up and begins to bow repeatedly to the coffee table between the two couches, thanking Jesus for something and I literally cannot recall what. Maybe the fact that ALL the other women have carved her totally out of their lives? That sounds about right.

Also, Caroline Manzo has repeated over the last two hours of this reunion, how much she dislikes herself from this past season and how much she never wants to "be that person ever again". Caroline, I guarantee you, how much you dislike yourself from this season cannot even BEGIN to hold a candle to how fucking annoying I FOUND YOU TO BE EVERY SEASON! Shrill, belligerent, know-it-all who NEVER, EVER, EVER admits when she's wrong. EVER. I'm sure she would not want to consider this but I think the reason she and Tre clash so violently is BECAUSE THEY'RE EXACTLY THE SAME!! Apparently I'm not alone in my distaste for Mrs. Manzo. Throughout the night Andy kept reading emails and Tweets from people blasting Caroline for being a bossy, bullying control freak. A barometer on how much Caroline must be disliked amongst vocal Bravo viewers is the fact that Andy read a few comments where Thereser was cast as Caroline's VICTIM! So, yeah, Caroline; maybe dial it down a notch next time you consider opening your big fucking mouth to tell everyone what the right thing to do is. Oh, and another thing: Caroline crowed with glee that "her numbers are perfect" and that she apparently is NOT in menopause. So the fuck what Caroline; its not like you're NEVER going to go through menopause. It's on its way, hon; trust me. Annoying fucking bitch.

Well, with that ladies and germs, I will conclude this second episode recap and entreat you to return for next week's third installment. In the previews we see that ALL the husbands have now joined their wives and there is, as always, some serious roid-rage throw down set to happen between the two Joes. Caroline, invoking Thereser's funeral service, is once again, attempting to force her take on life on EVERYONE, including sworn enemy Thereser. Should be awesome; join me won't you? Until then, later gators!


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