Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Donkey Booty Videos and Back End Percentages: This Stuff Writes Itself - Welcome Back to the RHOA Recaps!

Just now emerging from the miasmic carb haze that is the holidays, The ABIB here to bring you up to speed on what's happening on The Real Housewives of Atlanta with the first recap of 2013. As they say on the show, Previously, on The Real Housewives of Atlanta:
1. Personnel Changes:
We got two new housewives this season, one named for a country the other a car: ladies and germs, without further ado, may I present Kenya Moore and Porsha Stewart!

Two housewives left the nuthouse, one sadly to The ABIB: Sheree, and one back to the padded cell from which she had been extricated by Bravo as an experiment in the ultra-crazy: Marlo, although as we learn more about Kenya it is becoming increasingly clear that she's even more batshit crazy than Marlo ever was. More on that later.

2. Action You've Missed To Date:

Kenya to her boyfriend Walter in the most insufferable whine imaginable: Walter why don't you love me? Walter are we getting married? Walter are we going to elope? Walter why don't you want to have sex with me? Walter we need to TALK this out, right? Walter what is wrong with you? Walter I want to have a baby, we're getting married, right? Walter I'm in the shower waiting for you why don't you want to have sex with me? Walter? Walter? Walter? Now you're up to speed on Kenya "I get mistaken continuously for Beyonce and I am a former Miss USA" Moore.

Kim Zolciak done QUIT, bitches! Hand to the camera, baller husband cussing a blue streak while advancing on the camera menacingly, I'm SO OUT OF HERE quit. So, yeah, Kim and her wig dynasty are gone, baby.

My girl NeNe has made the big-time and moved to Hollywood to appear in TWO scripted series, namely Glee and The New Normal. You GO, girl! According to Nene, she is now bi-coastal, with homes in both Hollywood and Atlanta. Not a geographer, our Ms. Leakes. Oh, and Grigg and Nene are back together.

Porsha and her retired pro football player husband are trying to get pregnant and she's eating lots of yams with an eye toward facilitating that goal. And she wants to conceive twins. She hails from some historically significant family in Atlanta. And she thinks that there are 265 days in a year.

You are now officially up to date on what's been taking place down in Peachville with our bevvy of Louboutin-wearing whackos. This past Sunday the action focused on the growing business difficulties between Phaedra and her former client and now husband, the felon, Apollo and Kenya who has returned to Atlanta from Los Angeles where she tells us, she was a very successful producer. Of what we have yet to learn as not even a shitty direct-to-video title can be successfully linked to her vast production empire. BUT SHE WAS MISS USA! There's always that. So anyhoo...Phaedra, who has apparently grown weary of the funeral business that she found so gripping last season when she mentored under noted Atlanta funeral impresario Willy Watkins, has instead decided to shake her money maker fo rill and make an exercise video showing (presumably) women, how to achieve a DONKEY BOOTY! Wisely Phaedra understands that her one claim to fame, as she has told us ad nauseum EVERY. SINGLE. SEASON. is her gigantic ass. OK, so what's the best way to earn a living off that big thing she asks us? Well, make a video of course, wherein she and her buff husband (clearly lots of time in the prison exercise yard for our Apollo) show others how to achieve their own DONKEY BOOTY!

In this era of fascination with fitness and a slimmer physique what exactly is the number of folks who want to lay down their hard-earned money to find out how to make their asses BIGGER? Phaedra and Apollo believe that it's in the millions and they aim to cash in on this previously untapped market by, well, tappin' that booty. So with an eye toward the big time (and because Bravo scripted it that way) Phaedra and Apollo enlist the expert services of producer extraordinaire: Kenya! Kenya tells the starry eyed exercise fanatics that she has secured a distribution deal for their video and that she's set a budget, which, she assures them, is amongst the smallest she's every worked with, at $100K. Camera cut to Phaedra, who had been happily demonstrating the apparently ONE booty-building move she and Apollo have invented, namely some kind of crab-walk maneuver. Phaedra's smile evaporates to be replaced by her narrow-eyed "I AM a lawyer" face and we know she does NOT like what she hears. Cut to Phaedra's law office the next day where she is waiting, in her black boob-squeezing cocktail dress (who comes to work dressed like that?) and conferring with her own "business advisor" and they are clearly conspiring to undercut Ms. Kenya Moore and her fancy L.A. producer ways. They basically gonna low ball the bitch right outta the picture.

Kenya shows up with some lackey in tow just in time for Phaedra's "business advisor" to disappear but inexplicably reappear just outside of view, behind the door leading to Phaedra's office, doing what? Spying? Eavesdropping? Um, so Kenya sits her own gigantic booty down and she and Phaedra begin giving each other the stink eye silent treatment. Clearly they've watched the 30 Rock episode where Liz learns all about power negotiations from Jack. NEVER SPEAK FIRST! But seriously, this is a one hour show and we've got to get to all the other drama so bitches, you gotta get going here. Phaedra drops the bomb on Kenya that she is not prepared to meet Kenya's demand of 10% off the back end. Can I get a WITNESS PEOPLE?! Donkey Booty Video drama about BACK END profits! High fives! What? No? OK, nevermind.

Well, of course Kenya is outraged that Phaedra expects her to provide her valuable services for free, which is basically what no BACK END (OK, I'll let it go) profits equates to. Nitter natter and pissiness ensues and Kenya huffs out of the meeting. Her talking head immediately following this scene actually made me laugh as Kenya looks at the camera and wonders aloud: "What kind of ass clowns am I working with?" What kind of ass clowns, indeed, my dear. Kenya also sniffs that Phaedra suffers from the disease, "full-of-shititis". Jury's still out on Ms. Moore; she could turn out to be kind of interesting in a crazy maniac kind of way. As soon as she leaves the sneaky eavesdropping "business advisor" slinks back in and assures Phaedra and Apollo that HE can get them a much better deal for like $15 and Kandi's new boyfriend is somehow a part of this nefarious secret deal. Done and done. Phaedra loves to quote the Bible and her Mother's some kind of ordained something-or-other but clearly she ain't above cuttin' a bitch if the money's right. Oh, and Phaedra has also managed to piss off Cynthia as well, who was poised to use her Bailey Modeling Agency as Central Casting for The Donkey Booty Video, but somehow Phaedra fucked up and it had something to do with a Tweet and frankly the rest of it was just too trifling and boring to sort out. So now Cynthia's joined the Phaedra/Apollo hater wagon. Yeah; love it.

Kandi has a new man in her life and they live together with Kandi's daughter in an Atlanta McMansion and Kandi is throwing him a surprise 40th birthday party. So Kandi and her daughter are making a homemade b-day cake for him which is actually kind of sweet, right? Kandi reveals that she's arranged for her and the boyfriend to take a helicopter ride over Atlanta that will land them right at the party. So not only is he hooked up with a sex toy entrepreneur, she makes him homemade baked goods, throws him surprise parties and takes him on helicopter rides. And wears the tightest dresses on earth. Every one of these ladies has a big ass fixation. As in big asses, not big fixations. BACK END DEAL!? No? OK, this time I'm letting it go, I promise.

Let's check in on Miss Nene and her move to Hollywood. Nene and Grigg are back together and the fam is moving to a cute little rental house in Hollywood with an awesome in-ground pool and fountains. Nene tells us that she's, "Livin' in a neighborhood with all kinds of celebrities. Like Larry Flynt." Say what? Someone needs to tell Ms. Nene that the former publisher of scummy, cummy "Hustler" magazine is not the kind of guy who's gonna raise your profile in a good way. Hmmmm...Nene's gonna have to work on her awareness of what exactly constitutes a "celebrity" now that she'll be rubbing elbows with some serious Hollywood types. I'm pretty sure that broken-down, has-been porn purveyors don't fit the mold. Anyway...Nene's all excited because she has a trailer on set with HER CHARACTER'S NAME ON IT which means that she can decorate it and get it all personalized and stuff. We get to see multiple shots of Nene entering her trailer, in her trailer, leaving her trailer and the name "Rocky" displayed on her trailer door. We also see Nene putting on her own makeup. Uh, girl? They have peeps that do that shit for you. Just slip on your fuzzy scuffs and a kimono and head over to the makeup table, girl. You a star now, baby! I'm loving Nene's new found fame 'cause, as I've said many times in this blog, I LOVE me some Nene!

Well, folks, that's the high points from this week's EP of RHOA. Join me next week when I recap what looks to be a blow-out EP featuring Kenya bringing the sass with her OWN fucking video, thank you very much. Stallion Booty! Woo Hoo!! The Bitch is Back, ya'll!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Excellent weblog here! Also your site a lot up very fast!
What web host are you the use of? Can I get your affiliate link in your
host? I want my web site loaded up as fast as yours lol
my page > Photography Tricks