Sunday, September 30, 2012

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Season Finale Recap - Uncle Poodle Brings the Sass

Hey ya'll, it looks like HCHBB (or just HBB for short) has been given an extension by TLC, the Victorian freak show network that hosts it. TLC also hosts fan favorites like Hoarders: Buried Alive and Breaking Amish. Anyway, TLC has bought more EPs extending into next year and will be airing spayshals themed around Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Could we be lucky enough to get a "roadkill" Christmas? I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

The EP starts with a family photo shoot which is, like just about every other outdoor activity in HCHBB, sweaty and plagued by trillions of gnats. And sneezing. Mama June is positively unable to stop sneezing in this EP. So, yeah, they hire a pro to take some family photos and everyone, save Mama June, is clamoring over some dirty-ass rocks to get down to the edge of some body of water since the lady with the camera says it's the best backdrop. What seems like two and a half hours later they all get down and cop a squat, each one on their own rock. Except for Mama June who is no way gonna climb down that slope. I'm thinking that's a good call, Mama June. Know thyself, sister, know thyself. So, again, everyone's super hot and sweaty, the bugs are eating them alive and the photographer looks about ready to jump into the nearby body of water because, honestly the look on her face says, "no money's worth this". They finally get some snaps with Smoochie grimacing her way to a "smile" (isn't smiling on cue pretty much the bread and butter of beauty pageant contestants? Just sayin'...) and then, back up the rocky slope, they take a bunch more with Mama June in 'em. So there was that.

One piece of news in this mid-season finale is that the pregnant sister finally had BABY KAITLYN amid much hoohah and drama. She had it pretty fast, though for a first baby. Must be those spayshal biscuits ("they just look like a Hardee's breakfast biscuit") that Mama June and all her girls have. Baby Kaitlyn came out and she's got an extra thumb on one hand so one of her 79 aunties proudly gave her her very first "high six". OK, then. Mama June was quick to turn that could-be lemon into lemonade by unequivocally stating that Baby Kaitlyn was perfect just as she was and then went on to get all philosophical on our asses what with the whole "beauty comes from inside" shtick. Uh, Mama June? You do know that you have immersed your seven-year-old daughter into a world whose sole currency is physical beauty, right? Yeah, well, lets just let that one go. So they brought the baby home and Alana was positively in triple orbit, considering she's usually in some level of orbit just from the residual effects of the Go-Go Juice. What exactly IS the half-life of Red Bull and Mountain Dew in the body of a seven-year-old? Discuss and get back to me.

So the baby's home and everyone's clamoring to feed her and change her and get up in the middle of the night with her. Enjoy it while you can, sister number 79, 'cause pretty soon now the novelty of that shit's gonna wear off and then she's all yours, babe! But now it's time to FOCUS because Mama June has entered HBB in the Miss Sparkle and Shine pageant in just TWO DAYS! So Smoochie's gotta get packed and ready but most importantly she's gotta get herself a routine with which to wow the judge's table. Who better to call in for this SASS emergency than Sugar Bear's youngest brother Lee, who HBB calls "Uncle Poodle". Why does she call him Uncle Poodle? Because Lee is gay and HBB calls all gay men Poodles. Alana fondly tells the camera: Ain't nothin' wrong with being a little gay, everyone's a little gay. And Mama June's blase take on the whole thing: He's got a little fruit in his tank, what can I say? Refreshingly it's a non-issue with Smoochie and the fam.

Uncle Poodle and HBB head on outside to work up some super sassy moves and Uncle Poodle tries to get HBB to add a cartwheel to the mix but HBB just can't manage it. So what we end up seeing is a routine much like all the others in which HBB basically swaggers back and forth shaking her booty, wagging her finger saucily and tilting her head to maximize the sassified quotient. Hell, in the preview we saw one Miss Sparkle and Shine pageanteer contorting into a pretzel and sticking her tongue out at the judges. Shit, Smoochie's tarted up swagger's gotta be better than THAT! Redneckognize!

Next day they all pile into some SUV or other but are delayed while sister 78 scrapes dogshit off her shoe which she stepped in and the cameraman makes sure we see exactly where it still is. Yay! Over at the pageant there's a slight problem when, come to find out, HBB's been chowin' down on too many of them chicken nuggets and now her pageant dress won't close. Uh-oh. We see a frantic search for a "safety pin...a BIG one!" and a closeup of someone lacing HBB into her dress like some kind of little corset. Well...not so little. Finally, laced and pinned and glued into her dress, with her first big-ass wig and her glitzy make-up and her FALSE TEETH, Smoochie's ready to go out there and WIN! Step back with me if you will to the whole FALSE TEETH part. I was like: Oh, hells no; you do NOT make this child wear prosthetic teeth out there! But sho nuff they do. And upon closer inspection it looks like all the little pageant princesses are sportin' major grill work. I know...I know...Hey ABIB: considering there are elementary school girls prancing around in wigs and make-up elaborate enough to make your average drag queen jealous, and who are wearing everything from full-on ball gowns to a mini-Gypsy Rose Lee costume, you draw the line at false teeth? I hear you.

Anyway, finally tressed and fake-tanned and made-up within an inch of her life with her chubby little bod cinched into her pink show gown, Smoochie makes her debut onto the Miss Sparkle and Shine stage. She shakes her booty for all it's worth and all those extra chicken nuggets are forgotten as we watch HBB become...well...Honey Boo Boo. Mama June is trying to keep her vocalizations on the down low at the advice of the LAST pageant judges, but nobody said nothin' about her face. She grimaces and grins and positively mimes for Alana exactly what her own little face is supposed to be doing every moment she's struttin' the stage. Next is the swimsuit portion of the competition (YES! they do have a swimsuit portion of the competition in this CHILD'S beauty pageant). Alana gets to cavort around in her brand new, super sparkly, super blue bathing suit and yet ANOTHER wig from the Tammy Faye Bakker collection, but with the same fake teeth. OK, OK, I'll let the teeth thing go.

The judges seemed entertained by Smoochie but we never really know if that's for the benefit of the TLC cameras that are following her every move or if they really do like our little sparkplug. Finally, after a typically agonizing wait, the Miss Sparkle and Shine crown goes to...someone else! But wait! There's a People's Choice Award yet to be crowned. We'll never know if this People's Choice Award is something that the Miss Sparkle and Shine pageant organizers ginned up at the last minute because, well, it's the season finale pageant and TLC is paying a decent sum of money for this show and Honey Boo Boo has to win SOMETHING, right? Again: ABIB THIS is where you draw the line? Whether or not there's a People's Choice Award in a CHILD'S BEAUTY PAGEANT? I hear you.

HBB is over the moon and Mama June and the 80 sisters rush the stage to congratulate her, but the camera is more interested in what's approaching from the BACK of the room. Sugar Bear and Uncle Poodle are bringing up a "big surprise" for Alana to include in the glow of her win. None other than Glitzy the Pig arrives to share in HBB's glory and everyone is so excited to see Glitzy again! Well, HBB and her 800 family members, that is; everyone else appears to be kind of grossed out, truth be told.

The last few moments of the EP are devoted to everyone rehashing how great the summer's been and recounting all of the wonderful moments that we've shared, from The Redneck Olympics to the big fireworks display to Christmas in July to Glitzy "ooooing herself" on the kitchen table. TLC, I'm seeing this show as super-ripe for a Clorox Wipes endorsement! You don't have to thank me.

Well that's it for this portion of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo! Now that TLC has announced the show's extension, I'll be back recapping as soon as they're back on the air. Until then: you better Redneckognize!

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