Thursday, September 20, 2012

Recap In A Flash X Two

Here's what you missed on "Mama June and Everyone Else" last Wednesday:

Mama June is a great cook according to Sugar Bear and on the show last week we got definitive proof that Sugar Bear is not fucking kidding, folks. Here's the 411 on MJ's mad magic skillz in the kitchen:

Mama June's Secret Family Recipe for Sketti

Put some pink slime-looking "meat" of some kind in a skillet.

Appear to fry pink slime-looking "meat".

Cook some sketti.

Throw some of that sketti at the wall to make sure it's done...throw as much as you want, in fact, just because it's fun to throw food.

Leave it there.

Remove double coupon-special size Country Crock margarine from fridge.

Scoop out approximately two heaping cups of Country Crock margarine and put it in a vaguely microwave safe looking container.

Remove double coupon-special size generic ketchup (likely catsup, actually) from fridge.

Squirt approximately two heaping cups of ketchup/catsup into the microwave safe container. On top of the Country Crock margarine. Stick container in microwave and turn it on.

Dump out cooked sketti into colander in sink; leave it there. Wait for microwave to ding.

Upon hearing microwave ding remove microwave container and stir together the now melted/separated/heated up Country Crock margarine/ketchup/catsup "sauce". Try your best to minimize the level of oil/solids separation that you'll encounter in the microwaved Country Crock margarine. Because it's...margarine.

Scream for the fam and let 'em serve themselves directly from the colander of sketti and, now I see it, old Country Crock container of Mama June's Secret Family Sauce.

Ignore the pink slime "meat" that had been frying in the skillet as it was clearly edited out of the EP.

Praise to the skies Sugar Bear's ability to shut out any prior experience of food that he has eaten as you watch him, and Honey Boo Boo and her 80 sisters scarf down something that most of us wouldn't feed to a homeless person.

It's Country Crock margarine and KETCHUP, people!

Here's what you missed on "Mama June and Everyone Else" yesterday:

Mama June decides to try to put on Honey Boo Boo's pageant make up but does a crappy job because she "can't see too good". Which makes me try to recall if I've ever seen Mama June drive on the show. Hmmm...TLC: the network that brings you vehicular homicide. Because Hoarders: Buried Alive is just not edgy enough.

Next we see that Miss Georgia 2011 is not too proud to appear with Honey Boo Boo and Mama June in a random boutique, appear to shop and watch HBB crash around the store and blow on things. Then sit down to a plate of several pieces of what? Cake? Anyway, one with pineapple. HBB doesn't like pineapple apparently so she takes it out of her mouth and puts it back on an uneaten piece of cake. Which will now remain uneaten, although, wait, Mama June is there so, maybe not. And then comment on Honey Boo Boo's poor table manners evidenced by HBB copping to a fart at the table. Of course, in her talking head segment Miss Georgia 2011 can't stop laughing about HBB's fart, proving that even prissy-ass Miss America contestants from Georgia are gross-out humor hicks at heart who "can't believe that I said fart on TV". Bitch, please.

Mama June takes the girls to the local Bingo parlor/old folks home for some of what she calls her favorite "sport", next to extreme couponing: a thrilling night of Bingo! There appear to be approximately eight other people at Bingo night which bodes well for Mama June's assertion that she's going to win the cool grand in the weekly Bingo jackpot. Because the "big pageant is next week" and they don't have enough money. Because, Mama June tells us, "pageants are expensive". Except it takes her a few tries to get it out. Whatevs. MJ and the girls play what looks to be about 30 Bingo cards and they still don't win. What's worse, the old lady way in the back who DOES win is declared by Honey Boo Boo to be a cheater. "She CHEATED Mama! She's a CHEATER!" Alrighty then!

At Honey Boo Boo's seventh birthday party extravaganza Mama June can't climb up a Slip N Slide because she "has no upper body strength". Huh. Sugar Bear thinks it's because she's scared. One of the 80 sisters thinks it's because of her forklift foot. That and gravity. That one gets my vote. Anyway, it drives poor Mama June directly back to the Sno Cone truck where she drowns her shame in another Coconut/Almond Sno Cone swearing that it's her last one and that she won't bother the anonymous Sno Cone vendor anymore that day. Girl I so get that. Can I just say again that I love me some Mama June? The 80 sisters raid Mama June's apocalypse bunker of foodstuffs to get some free shit for HBB's birthday gift because none of them have any money. So they wrap up what appears to be a five gallon plastic bottle of hot sauce and some fuzzed out stuff that looks vaguely like a Pop Tarts box. And liquid soap.

Finally Honey Boo Boo sneezes out two huge boogers, one from each nostril and appears to begin to dispose of them in a way that even I couldn't bear to watch but probably was right up there with Mama June's sketti recipe on the appetizing scale.

Ladies and gents, that's The ABIB's recap for this week. Tune back here next week for the recap of the Season One Finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo! Redneckognize!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm suddenly nauseated. Thanks! :)