Friday, September 21, 2012

Recap: The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Here's the latest shit going down on RHONJ:

Thereser is still yapping about "moving forward" with her brother, the little monkey aka Joe Gorga. I'd put money down on one of Thereser and Joe's parents being an ape. She's clearly got the simian hairline as evidence and Joe Gorga actually IS an ape for real. They've done a good job teaching him to talk, though. Some day, if he practices really hard, he might be able to talk as good as Koko. He's still got a problem with exposing his genitals in public but at least he's stopped throwing his own feces.

Anyhooooo....Joe Guidice, Thereser's "husband" is still skulking around their foreclosed McMansion, alternately phone-fucking his mistress while on vacation with his wife and an entire Bravo TV film crew and ironing his own guido silk shirts in his upstairs bedroom. Also doing drunken somersaults on their marble floor and cracking one of his fucking teeth off. Of course, Thereser's response to catching him outright mid-phone fuck is to Hop On Pop right there in the grape arbor. Again, while on vacation with the 300 others that trail around after them 24/7. As Sheree would say: "Classy."

Speaking of Joey the Ape Gorga, his wife and Thereser's hated sis-in-law Melissa is hot on the heels of a fabulous career as a lip-synching poser. And for a former pole dancer from South Jersey that's pretty good. I love how these Bravo shows dig up some obscure "celebrity" personalities and trot them out as if we won't notice and say: "the fuck?" Case in point: Melissa Gorga's singing impresario and voice coach, some guy who has his own music promotion/production gig called "Soul Diggaz". Again, the fuck? I'm thinking that this schmo and his "Soul Diggaz" beats were emptying ashtrays and scrubbing out the portable toilets on some D lister's used-ass tour bus. Like Boyz 2 Men circa 1998's luggage dude. Anyway, he's now got a deal with Bravo to act the part of Melissa's promoter and be in the direct glare of Joey the Ape's stink eye every time he arrives at Castle Gorga for a music session. Hey Soul Diggaz: 1999 called, it wants its hip hop slang back.

Speaking of Melissa Gorga, I've considered the possibility that she and Thereser, like the evil turban-wearing dude in the first Harry Potter movie, actually share a head with each of them getting to look out of one side. Case in point: Thereser's hairline nearly touches the bridge of her nose, while Melissa's is waaaaayyy back near the top of her big ass ears. So I'm thinking that when it's Thereser's turn to have the head she shimmies the hairline down too far so that when she turns around and we see Melissa, too much forehead is exposed. Just a thought...discuss amongst yourselves.

Moving on to the Manzo/Laurita households. Caroline, whose tagline is "life is short, I have no time for drama", continues to stir the pot feverishly, getting everyone, but mostly herself, in a state of perpetual agitation about Thereser's bitchy zingers in her latest cookbook while using all of her talking head opportunities to bitch out Thereser with every epithet short of calling her the anti-Christ. Caroline, you have no time for anything BUT drama, my darling. Speaking of drama: can we PUHLEEEEZE be done with the Albie/Christopher/Lauren "Meg Griffin" Manzo filler shit? Every time one of Caroline's kids is on the screen I want to throw my TV out the window. WHO GIVES A FUCK!? Albie is making headway in his career with BLK (he and his Uncle Chris have decided to market black water...yes, you read that right: black water, which they call BLK, tagline: BLK is the new Black) and now the dead-eyed, non-speaking cheerleader girlfriend is going to get him all fahrklempt and make him forget his career and Lauren is getting fatter and fatter and trying the raw egg diet and throwing shit fits and slamming doors and crying when her brothers and her mother laugh their asses off about what an annoying fattie she is...and Gregg Bennett the gay roommate who is Albie's ACTUAL love interest so Mama Caroline: stop worrying your dyed red head about the beard "girlfriend" derailing your genius' career, he's doing fine, thank you very much with Gregg and his pink tutu-clad teacup Yorkie living large in Hoboken, NJ. Did I get it all with the Manzo kids? Because I'm fucking SICK of them and their boring little non-HOUSEWIFE lives! Sheesh...where's some crazy Danielle when we need her?

Kathy Wakile and her Lebanese, gas station mogul husband are touring college campuses with their daughter who wants to go to...drumroll, please...the University of Maryland at College Park! So there was a little hometown shout-out in the last EP where we were treated to some footage of the UMD campus and their tiny dorms and Kathy's freakishly huge eyes getting all glassy at the thought of her baby moving so far away. I wanted to tell her: not to worry, Kath...there's no way your kid is getting into UMD, at least not the one we've been watching on RHONJ this season. Relax, she'll be lucky to get into the local community college so you'll have her safe and sound in her giant, professionally decorated bedroom for years to come. And this week again I breathe a sigh of relief that we had another RHONJ EP without an appearance by Kathy's bizarro sister Quasimodo. Whew!

Chris and Jacqueline Laurita update: Jacqueline is still crying. About everything. Nuff said and zzzzzzzzzzzz. In the run-up to the season finale (a season which seems to have gone on for eight years) we see Thereser hyperventilating when she hears the news that her sis-in-law used to be an exotic dancer at some guy's club who her evil frenemy Kim G or D or Z...I can't remember except that she owns a store that she named Posche, as in Posh but with a "c" and an "e"....introduced her to. Thereser telling everyone that she can't talk about her FAMILY! That she doesn't want to hear bad things about her FAMILY! That her heart is pounding at the thought of hearing bad things about her FAMILY! All lies, BTW. Thereser positively LIVES to get this kind of juicy dirt on the evil little whore who stole her ape brother from her. Stay tuned, kiddies; it's about to get all kinds of pazzesco up in here.


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