Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The End of January and it's Cold! What a Concept!

So, as Baltimore appears in The ABIB's name, and it's preceded by the word "in", dear readers you must know by now that I live in Baltimore. Baltimore is in Maryland and Maryland is in the mid-Atlantic region of the U.S. which is in the Temperate Zone of our great planet. Just to be sure that everyone reading this knows what that means:

Temperate Zone
noun Geography
The part of the earth surface lying between the Tropic of Cancer and the Arctic Circle in the Northern Hemisphere or between the Tropic of Capricorn and the Antarctic Circle in the Southern Hemisphere and characterized by having a climate that is warm in the summer, cold in the winter, and moderate in the spring and fall.

Without going all Bill Nye on you, let me draw your attention to the last sentence in that short description above. "Warm in the summer, cold in the winter and moderate in the spring and fall". Warm in summer: check! The heat in this bitch gets downright face-melting between May or June and the end of September at the earliest. Moderate in spring and fall: check! Mostly. Finally, cold in winter: check! Just in case you need to repeat that to yourselves the word is COLD. It's the end of January and guess what? It's fucking COLD outside EXACTLY LIKE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE! If I have to hear one more fucking person, be it some chipper little weather forecaster or any number of moronic coworkers complain about the COLD in JANUARY I'm going to flip my shit. What's the problem, people? Don't you get enough sweaty-ass weather from roughly April through the middle of October? Isn't it enough for you to have those WONDERFULLY BALMY December days when it's a freakish 60 degrees outside? You greedy-ass schmucks better shut the fuck up when, at the bitter end of January, it finally actually FEELS LIKE WINTER OUTSIDE!

The ABIB, as you may have guessed, is a cold weather aficionado. Hell, I straight up love the stuff. All bundled up in my big, fluffy hoodie and slippers, sipping a warm cup of something, my fat ass on the couch watching my favorite show. Because you know what? If you're cold you can ALWAYS put on another layer and surprise: GET WARMER! But when it's 95 in the shade with a humidity level just shy of the Black Hole of Calcutta, you can't get any less dressed than naked and frankly nobody needs to see that shit walking around. Ever. But it's like, around here people forget that winter is SUPPOSED to happen, that it's the natural progress of things, that cold temperatures mean that the Earth is still spinning and we're not getting ready to begin boiling the oceans. At least not just yet, anyway. So I have to assume that those people who act like it's a big surprise when the temperature falls to NORMAL levels deep in winter are very confused. And if they're confused about something as straightforward and repeatable as the seasons, what other scary-ass things are they confused about? Things that have the potential to affect ME? Picture, if you will, these confused scenarios:

Bus Driver: HEY! The air feels cold today! That sucks and I don't like it and it's not supposed to be cold out because, well, because I don't like it. What's this? Am I supposed to sit up in here and drive this thing? Is it supposed to pick people up or...hit them? This is a real head-scratcher. I'll just start driving and see if it comes to me.

Grocery Store Meat Department Worker: HEY! It's cold outside and the weatherman said that since it's the end of January it's going to keep up like this for...A FEW DAYS! I'm confused about that; why is it cold out? I don't like it! Hey, what's this package of chicken doing here next to a bottle of bleach and some laundry soap? Hmmm...maybe I'm supposed to pour the bleach and soap OVER the chicken and wrap it back up. Yeah, that must be it!

Bank Clerk: HEY! This cold weather is really getting on my nerves; what's up with that? Why isn't it 70 outside so I can wear shorts and flip flops like I want to. I supposed to clear out this account for Ms. ABIB? what's this button do? Wow...all the numbers just went away; is that a good thing or a bad thing? Who knows? I'm confused.

I think you get my drift. The imbecilic preoccupation with whining about why it's actually cold in January is a clear indication that, as usual, I'm surrounded by morons who don't know their ass from a hole in the ground. I'm going to try and help them out here. That big, bright object in the sky is called the Sun; it's a giant fiery ball of gas. The place where YOU live is called Earth. The Earth floats around the Sun and it takes a whole year! Sometimes the Earth is closer to the Sun, which - remember, now - is made of FIRE, and when the Earth is closer to the FIRE it feels hotter outside. But later on in the year, when the Earth is farther from the Sun and the FIRE, it's colder outside. Get it? I imagine lots of empty, drooling, confused faces right about now who are looking up wonderingly asking themselves:

Hey! What's that white stuff that's dropping from the sky? it cotton candy?


acrannymint said...

No silly, it is the white death from the sky

Cuz in St. Louis said...

Hey, good one, ABIB! And while I agree whole-heartedly that people should SHUT THE FUCK UP about how cold it is, (Good God people! Can't you find anything *more* boring to talk about?!?) I feel I'd be remiss if I didn't say that the earth is actually farthest from, uh, the fire in July. Seasons are all about the tilt of the earth's axis relative to its orbit about the, um, fire.

In the summer, the light from the fire hits the Earth straight on. In winter the light hits the earth at an oblique, or shallow, angle, causing it to spread out and lose energy. Also, longer days in the summer means that the light from the fire has more time to heat up that part of the earth.

You can do an experiment! Hold a piece of paper close to a light bulb (careful, not too close!) so the light hits it square on. After a few minutes feel how warm the paper is. Now hold the paper so that the light hits it at a shallow angle. After the same amount of time feel how much cooler the paper is! Tell that to the morons the next time they wonder about the cold of winter and they'll think that the ABIB is another fuckin' Bill Nye, the Science Guy!

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