You're Not Funny. Really.

You know that book that came out a few years ago: "He's Just Not That Into You"? It was aimed at lame-o retards who just couldn't get those obvious social signals that scream: "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU ANNOYING ASSHOLE!" Anyway, I've got a similar problem where I work except instead of not getting that some guy really, really doesn't like you, I'm saddled with, actually fucking SURROUNDED by, people who mistake cheesy popular "office sarcasm" for actual humor.

Let me give an example. Every day I have to walk past a cubicle that is papered on all vertical surfaces, with "office humor". You know, those pseudo-witty observations that the rest of us are supposed to "resonate" with (HATE THAT WORD), as we go about our work-a-day activities. Designed to give the average dolt a little lighthearted chuckle in his otherwise drab day, they (what a surprise!) PISS ME OFF!!

"I can please one person a day and today's not your day. Tomorrow's not looking too good, either!"

"I was down to my last good nerve and now you've plucked it!!!"

"I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?!"

"I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me!"

"Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it!!!!!"

Always ending in at least one exclamation point and often accompanied by a crudely drawn "cartoon" of someone fuming or screaming or jumping up and down or having a stroke or vomiting blood, or WHATEVER, these abominations, these freakish and twisted attempts at "humor" are one of the banes of my existence. See, they start in a good place: the ongoing expressions of impotent rage at the moronic automatons and idiotic situations that the average office worker encounters on any given day. But then they drop the ball by concluding with a "witty", "sarcastic" retort that defuses the perfectly wonderful little venom dart that they could have, that they all SHOULD have become. Here's some suggestions for how they could be vastly improved.

"I can please one person a day and today's not your day. Come back tomorrow you rat-faced, vile little turd so that I can insult you again with your own insignifcance!"

"I was down to my last good nerve and now you've plucked it. Isn't it time I killed you?!"

"I'm busy now, can I ignore you some other time? If not, can I slowly choke the life out of you with my bare hands?!"

"I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me. So now it's time for me to pretend to flatten the complex!"

"Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it. NOW GET OUT OF HERE YOU FUCKING INSECT BEFORE I GO MEDIEVAL ON YOUR SKANKY ASS!!!!

See how much better, how much more authentic, how much more GENUINE I've made those pale, lame attempts at bitterness. Being bitter isn't some homespun, halfway-there gesture that almost makes the other person feel awful. Being bitter is a full-on assault, it's gumption times a thousand, it's owning up to that dark well of desperation that lurks just below the surface of us all, it's the red pill that takes you down the rabbit hole!! What? Random Matrix references are my specialty.

"Is it crazy in here or is it just me?"

Yes, ABIB, it's always just you.