Thursday, June 2, 2011

Ripped From The Headlines!

Hi all: read this headline today in my local Baltimore paper and immediately went to the porcelain altar, so of course I figured: why not write about it, ABIB? Here goes: "STDs and seniors: Aging baby boomers help lead to a rise in rate of diseases. From 2005 to 2009 the number of reported cases of syphilis and chlamydia among those 55 and older increased 43 percent according to an Orlando Sentinel analysis of data." All together now: EWWWWWWWWWW!! How many things are wrong with that string of words? Let me try and point them out:

1. The words "STD" and "seniors" should never, ever, ever appear in a sentence together unless it's about the most recent "Senior Week at the Beach" event.

2. "Aging baby boomers". Helluva nerve on the (probably) young whippersnapper that wrote that copy. Don't they know that the words "aging" and "baby boomers" should NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BE UTTERED IN THE SAME SENTENCE? Modern science invented Restalyn, Botox and all manner of cosmetic surgical enhancements specifically so that- LISTEN UP FUCKING WHIPPERSNAPPERS - baby boomers NEVER! FUCKING! AGE!!

3. Finally the expression "help to lead a rise in rate of diseases". Is it just me or does the phrasing "help to lead..." kind of affix a somewhat positive connotation to what is to follow, namely that we old fuckers (apparently LITERALLY) are "helping to lead" to a rise in FUCK BUGS (Oh Lord I hope crabs isn't on the list!). Um...not to put too fine a point on it, but stuff like: syphilis, herpes, chlamydia and genital warts and...well I just can't go on it's too....GROSS!!

So this is a whole, entire article about Gran and Gramps (or the guy she's blowing since Gramps died last year) hanging out in the retirement community and doing the nasty way too much with way too little attention to the minor detail of NOT SPREADING AROUND GRODY SEXUAL SHIT!

So help me out here...what this incredibly informative article is telling me is that all of us old-ass "boomer/seniors" are somewhat sadly, nay, pathetically, fucking around without a care in the world not to mention a fucking CONDOM and in so doing are "helping" to bring about a resurgence in all of these ICKY...conditions. Sorry but that's just DIGUSTING. The article goes on to explain how as we age and our immune systems begin to not work so great, we NATURALLY begin to become more susceptible to all manner of bodily affronts, including those transmitted through a good, old fashioned blowjob when you've just had gum surgery and your sutures aren't done...suturing. Really? Is that what we've come to? When did worrying about a broken hip become worrying about a broken dental dam and some seriously messed-up Grampa jizz? It's all too horrifying to think about.

The only saving grace is that, judging by the fact that this data was collected in Orlando, this epidemic shouldn't spread. After all, as any uncomfortable conversation with your Bubbe about her "Sexy Seniors" class will tell you, old fuckers in Florida only fuck other old fuckers in Florida so hopefully this cesspool will be self-contained. Other than that I figure it's every person for themselves. I recommend a rule of thumb as follows (and to co-opt a baby boomer trope from days gone by): don't trust anyone that can take out their teeth.

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